Isn't it beautiful how God gives us small reminders of our ugly hearts just when we need them, only to fill them with beauty for his glory? I need them so often. I hate the ugliness that creeps up in my heart when I'm not paying close enough attention. This morning I was reminded by a devotion out of My Utmost For His Highest by Oswald Chambers:
After sanctification, it is difficult to state what you purpose in life is, because God has moved you into His purpose through the Holy Spirit. He is using you now for His purposes throughout the world as He used His Son for the purpose of our salvation. If you seek great things for yourself, thinking, "God has called me for this and for that," you barricade God from using you. As long as you maintain your own personal interests and ambitions, you cannot be completely aligned or identified with God's interests. This can only be accomplished by giving up all of your personal plans once and for all, and by allowing God to take you directly into His purpose for the world. Your understanding of your ways must also be surrendered, because they are now the ways of the Lord.
I must learn that the purpose of my life belongs to God, not me. God is using me from His great personal perspective, and all he asks of me is that I trust Him. I should never say "Lord, this causes me such heartache." To talk that way makes me a stumbling block. When I stop telling God what I want, He can freely work His will in me without any hindrance. He can crush me, exalt me, or do anything else He chooses. He simply asks me to have absolute faith in Him and His goodness. Self-pity is of the devil, and if I wallow in it I cannot be used by God for His purpose in the world. Doing this creates for me my own cozy "world within the world," and God will not be allowed to move me from it because of my fear of being "frost-bitten."
November 10, 2009
November 9, 2009
The X-man, the Sylvie girl, and the Popp home.
Our home is so full of joy. I can't really imagine anything else I'd rather be doing that being a mama to these two. Motherhood was something I had to grow into with Mena and Cassandra. It wasn't something that felt so natural, or completely fulfilling to begin with. But as God has worked in my heart, and opened my eyes, I can see there is nothing else more important than loving these kids. And I love it.
The X- man had court at the end of last week. The boys will start having visits with their mom (not a huge fan of this...) and dad is still out of the picture (thank goodness.). The state brought out pictures of X when they first picked him up from his home. Our caseworker said that they were so disturbing that she refused to look at them. I'm so glad we didn't have to see. Several things happened at court, but most importantly the court ordered that X-man be moved into his brother's foster home as quickly as possible. They stated that with the progress he's made that there is no reason for them not to be living together anymore. This is such a huge blessing for him. With that said, we are severely going to miss this little guy. He has brought light and joy to our home, and we love him so very much. We're hoping that we will be able to provide respite for his new foster home occasionally, so we will still get to see him. He has such a beautiful soul, and I know God has something huge planned for his life, his life that really only started a couple of months ago.
Sylvia had her one month doctor's appointment. She is a whopping 9 pounds and is 22 1/4 inches long! She's growing so fast! She's smiling a lot now, and has just started making noises other than crying - which always earns an 'awww' or an 'ooooh' around here. We're pretty much in love with her.
With X-man getting ready to leave, we are in prayer about what God would have for us next. We are considering only doing respite and emergency placements for a couple of months before taking another long term placement. However, I also want us to search our hearts on our motivation to do so. It would be nice to have a little bit of a quiet break, some more time for just Brian and I....but with the wrong motivation, these are very selfish reasons to take a break. I don't want to place our own wants before what God has put before us. So, we will keep praying - and if I have any guesses on God's plan for our family, we will have another little one shortly.
Prayer would be greatly appreciated right now.
-For X-man, his heart, the move, his transition, the case, and the wisdom of the caseworkers involved.
-For God to continue to refresh mine and Brian's hearts even when it hurts to say goodbye to our kids. That we would be prepared to love the next little one that will come to us just as much as we have loved before.
-For wisdom to know where to go from here - what is best for our family, but more importantly what is best for God's family.
The X- man had court at the end of last week. The boys will start having visits with their mom (not a huge fan of this...) and dad is still out of the picture (thank goodness.). The state brought out pictures of X when they first picked him up from his home. Our caseworker said that they were so disturbing that she refused to look at them. I'm so glad we didn't have to see. Several things happened at court, but most importantly the court ordered that X-man be moved into his brother's foster home as quickly as possible. They stated that with the progress he's made that there is no reason for them not to be living together anymore. This is such a huge blessing for him. With that said, we are severely going to miss this little guy. He has brought light and joy to our home, and we love him so very much. We're hoping that we will be able to provide respite for his new foster home occasionally, so we will still get to see him. He has such a beautiful soul, and I know God has something huge planned for his life, his life that really only started a couple of months ago.
Sylvia had her one month doctor's appointment. She is a whopping 9 pounds and is 22 1/4 inches long! She's growing so fast! She's smiling a lot now, and has just started making noises other than crying - which always earns an 'awww' or an 'ooooh' around here. We're pretty much in love with her.
With X-man getting ready to leave, we are in prayer about what God would have for us next. We are considering only doing respite and emergency placements for a couple of months before taking another long term placement. However, I also want us to search our hearts on our motivation to do so. It would be nice to have a little bit of a quiet break, some more time for just Brian and I....but with the wrong motivation, these are very selfish reasons to take a break. I don't want to place our own wants before what God has put before us. So, we will keep praying - and if I have any guesses on God's plan for our family, we will have another little one shortly.
Prayer would be greatly appreciated right now.
-For X-man, his heart, the move, his transition, the case, and the wisdom of the caseworkers involved.
-For God to continue to refresh mine and Brian's hearts even when it hurts to say goodbye to our kids. That we would be prepared to love the next little one that will come to us just as much as we have loved before.
-For wisdom to know where to go from here - what is best for our family, but more importantly what is best for God's family.
October 31, 2009
Moms should all automatically be prescribed muscle relaxers.
What. a. day.
For those of you who don't know, the X-man started daycare on Monday as a kind of respite until our little family is back on their feet. He did so well - on Monday and Tuesday. Apparently someone at daycare was carrying a virus though, and he managed to catch it his very first day. Wednesday morning Brian came in and asked if I thought he was running a fever. I really thought he must be joking. What was I going to do with a sick Xavier and a 3 week old Sylvia???
This is what I would do....
In general, the last three days either Xavier has been unattended and getting into whatever he could, or Sylvia has been in her crib screaming. This was due to my attempt to keep them in completely separate rooms at all times to keep Sylvia from catching this Swine-ish kind of virus. Yesterday afternoon Sylvia was, as she had been for the last two days, crying in her crib. So I went upstairs, took off my outer layer of clothing (I had grown accustomed to wearing two layers - the Xavier layer, and the Sylvia layer.), and scrubbed my hands and arms up to my elbows so that I could pick up my baby girl. I had just gotten her quieted down when Xavier crawled into the room. I put Sylvia down and got Xavier out before he could wipe his snot covered face all over the room. I went halfway down the stairs and called for Xavier, trying to get him convinced that it was more exciting downstairs. Well, he sure did get excited, so excited that he crawled toward me and right off the top stair. Luckily I caught him, but not in time to avoid the fat lip that came next. With Sylvia screaming in the next room again, I rocked Xavier until he calmed down. He was getting hungry, so I put him in his high chair and buckled him in with his pediasure and some snacks, changed my clothes (back to my Sylvia clothes), scrubbed down again, and went to calm Sylvia again.
Deep breath, but it only gets better!
She was hungry, so I fed her, thinking Xavier was safe and strapped in his chair. About three quarters of the way through the feeding though, I hear the ceramic bowls that we keep on the kitchen table clanging together. So I prematurely end the feeding and put Sylvia back in her crib (that made her very happy. I'm pretty sure I would have been disowned as a mother yesterday if she could talk.). I went downstairs to find Xavier laying on his belly on the table, with UNO cards strewn across the dining room, playing with all the fun little trinkets that had gathered in the bowls on the table. I walked in, and he just smiled a cute little smile that said, "I know this is not what you want me to be doing, but I sure am cute doing it." I went over to assess the damage and was bombarded by the smell of his diaper. ughhh. So I decided to ignore the mess all over the kitchen, and just to change his diaper and put him down for a nap. Then I'd have some time to comfort Sylvia, who was still screaming in her crib. I took him up and unbuttoned his pajamas to change his diaper, but upon pulling his foot out of the pj's, I found it covered in, what is that?, oh, that's POOP! Somehow, his diaper had come halfway off, he had pooped, and both the feet of his pj's were full of his previous two meals. In the feet of the pj's he had been walking around in, and crawling across the kitchen table in. Not knowing what to do, I took him down to the kitchen and laid him on the floor, while singing loudly across the house to Sylvia. I cleaned off his feet and threw away the pj's, and took him to the bathroom. I ran his bath and got him in, when I heard a THUMP from the room where Sylvia was. Minor heart attack in play, I scrubbed myself down and ran into the room. She was fine (screaming, but fine), but just as I got into her room, Xavier slipped and fell in the tub. So I run back into the bathroom to an inconsolable, poop covered little boy in the bath. I finished his bath in a hurry, got him dressed, and put him down for a nap - at which time I got Sylvia and was able to calm her to sleep.
AAAHHHHH, quiet.
All I could do was sit on the couch and laugh. Hilarious. I love being a mom.
For those of you who don't know, the X-man started daycare on Monday as a kind of respite until our little family is back on their feet. He did so well - on Monday and Tuesday. Apparently someone at daycare was carrying a virus though, and he managed to catch it his very first day. Wednesday morning Brian came in and asked if I thought he was running a fever. I really thought he must be joking. What was I going to do with a sick Xavier and a 3 week old Sylvia???
This is what I would do....
In general, the last three days either Xavier has been unattended and getting into whatever he could, or Sylvia has been in her crib screaming. This was due to my attempt to keep them in completely separate rooms at all times to keep Sylvia from catching this Swine-ish kind of virus. Yesterday afternoon Sylvia was, as she had been for the last two days, crying in her crib. So I went upstairs, took off my outer layer of clothing (I had grown accustomed to wearing two layers - the Xavier layer, and the Sylvia layer.), and scrubbed my hands and arms up to my elbows so that I could pick up my baby girl. I had just gotten her quieted down when Xavier crawled into the room. I put Sylvia down and got Xavier out before he could wipe his snot covered face all over the room. I went halfway down the stairs and called for Xavier, trying to get him convinced that it was more exciting downstairs. Well, he sure did get excited, so excited that he crawled toward me and right off the top stair. Luckily I caught him, but not in time to avoid the fat lip that came next. With Sylvia screaming in the next room again, I rocked Xavier until he calmed down. He was getting hungry, so I put him in his high chair and buckled him in with his pediasure and some snacks, changed my clothes (back to my Sylvia clothes), scrubbed down again, and went to calm Sylvia again.
Deep breath, but it only gets better!
She was hungry, so I fed her, thinking Xavier was safe and strapped in his chair. About three quarters of the way through the feeding though, I hear the ceramic bowls that we keep on the kitchen table clanging together. So I prematurely end the feeding and put Sylvia back in her crib (that made her very happy. I'm pretty sure I would have been disowned as a mother yesterday if she could talk.). I went downstairs to find Xavier laying on his belly on the table, with UNO cards strewn across the dining room, playing with all the fun little trinkets that had gathered in the bowls on the table. I walked in, and he just smiled a cute little smile that said, "I know this is not what you want me to be doing, but I sure am cute doing it." I went over to assess the damage and was bombarded by the smell of his diaper. ughhh. So I decided to ignore the mess all over the kitchen, and just to change his diaper and put him down for a nap. Then I'd have some time to comfort Sylvia, who was still screaming in her crib. I took him up and unbuttoned his pajamas to change his diaper, but upon pulling his foot out of the pj's, I found it covered in, what is that?, oh, that's POOP! Somehow, his diaper had come halfway off, he had pooped, and both the feet of his pj's were full of his previous two meals. In the feet of the pj's he had been walking around in, and crawling across the kitchen table in. Not knowing what to do, I took him down to the kitchen and laid him on the floor, while singing loudly across the house to Sylvia. I cleaned off his feet and threw away the pj's, and took him to the bathroom. I ran his bath and got him in, when I heard a THUMP from the room where Sylvia was. Minor heart attack in play, I scrubbed myself down and ran into the room. She was fine (screaming, but fine), but just as I got into her room, Xavier slipped and fell in the tub. So I run back into the bathroom to an inconsolable, poop covered little boy in the bath. I finished his bath in a hurry, got him dressed, and put him down for a nap - at which time I got Sylvia and was able to calm her to sleep.
AAAHHHHH, quiet.
All I could do was sit on the couch and laugh. Hilarious. I love being a mom.
October 27, 2009
Support
I just wanted to take a moment to say thank you to my wonderful husband and my beautiful mom. They were most definitely the best labor coaches I could have ever asked for, and I would not have made it through my labor naturally without them. (And I wasn't even nice to them the whole time, but they've forgiven me.) With that said, I so look forward to the day that I get to help coach my baby girl through her own labor experience.
Love you Bri.
Love you mom.
October 18, 2009
Can't believe you're here now...
Tiny dream come true...
Sylvia Esther Popp joined our family on October 6 at 9:26 p.m. She was 7lbs. 12oz. and 19 3/4 inches long. Her daddy and I could not be more in love with this wonderful little baby that was formed inside of me. After a long wait, and a long labor, she's here and (in my unbiased opinion) she's perfect. :)
I still find myself saying to Brian, "I can't believe she's really here.", "I can't believe she's OUR daughter.", "I can't believe she grew inside of me.", or "I can't believe she came out of me, check out the size of her head!". It's a pretty surreal experience, but definitely the most exciting and blessed thing I have ever experienced.
At 4:30 in the morning on October 6, I woke up to contractions that seemed stronger than those I had previously had. However, for anyone who read my two previous blogs (which I deleted, due to the nonsense I was spouting!), you know that I had previously had around 60 hours of contractions already that lead no where. I wasn't going to get too excited. However, at 5:30 after a trip to the bathroom and realizing that the contractions were in fact getting stronger, I woke Brian up just to give him a heads up. It was not long after that when I told Brian to go ahead and call his mom and my mom, that this was the real thing. I got up and took a shower, and by the time I got out the contractions were strong. They were consistently 4-5 minutes apart and at least 1 minute long from the very beginning. Brian called the midwife just to let them know, and to get some advice as to when to come in. She said to give it a while and to call her back. Brian coached me through contraction after contraction, and made sure I was eating as much as I could, while I could. Our friend Amber came down and got Xzavier and watched him until Brian's mom got to our house around 10:00 and took over with Xzavier, so that we could really focus on the labor. My mom ran into three accidents on her way here, so she showed up rather anxious at around 1:30. At that point the contractions were very strong, and some were even reaching 2 minutes in length. We called our midwife, and she said to go ahead and come in. We got to the birthing center (which I would recommend to ANYONE!) around 2:15 and I was 7 centimeters dialated. I used their bathtub, and their expertise on labor positions, and by 5:00 I was fully dialated. This is when the fun began.
I started pushing at 5:30, and by 7:30, had not really made much progress on her grand entrance. I was getting very discouraged, and VERY worn out. I kept pushing and pushing, changing positions and the whole deal - and while she did come down some, she wasn't even crowning by 8:30. At this point I was exhausted. Completely. I've never worked so hard in my life as I did in labor. A call had to be made, she wasn't coming down, and she couldn't stay in there forever. To the hospital we went.
Unfortunately I opted for the ambulance instead of taking our car. The EMT in the ambulance had obviously never seen a woman in labor or something, because he just sat there and stared at me. And two or three times in the middle of contractions (that I was still pushing through) he asked if he could check to "make sure I wasn't having the baby." Wow. That was not the right thing for him to ask me in the middle of third stage, un-coached contractions.
In the back of my mind, I was thinking, I'll get to the hospital, and they'll make it stop! They'll make it go away!! Now! But, to my surprise, I got to the hospital, and they told me to push. I tried to explain to them that I was done, there was no more pushing in me - this baby was coming out without my assistance at this point. They didn't listen. And I'm glad now. I ended up with an episiotomy and she needed a little help coming down, but then there she was. Perfect.
Brian imediately took off his shirt so that she could be skin on skin when they handed her to him, and he brought her to me and laid her on my chest. That was the best, most relieving moment of my entire life. They stiched me up and got me taken care of - which I didn't even notice, because I was holding my baby girl! At that point I asked what I could take for pain, since she was out, and I hadn't had any medication for the labor.
It was the best day of my life. And while I haven't forgotten the labor, as some women say you do, I would do it all over again. She's incredible. And I can't believe she's here now.
Can’t believe you’re here now
Tiny dream come true
The answer to a prayer now
I’m so in love with you
Couldn’t wait to meet you
Hope you like your name
I get the funny feeling
Life will never be the same
Safe and sound
You’re here with me now
Like I hoped you’d be
Safe and sound
You’re here with me now
And that’s all I’ll ever need
The world’s a scary place here
But baby it’s alright
I’ll make sure the coast is clear
So you can just sleep tight
But if you’re afraid of monsters
Like everybody is
I’ll be right beside you
Closer than a kiss
Safe and sound
I’m here with you now
And you will always be
Safe and sound
I’m here with you now
And that’s all you’ll ever need
Someday I’m gonna teach you
The reason why we pray
So that heaven’s love may reach you
Every single day
So, baby close your eyes now
And say a prayer with me
Lord, I lay me down to sleep now
But I know I will be
Safe and sound
You’re here with us now
And we will always be
Safe and sound You’re here with us now
And that’s all we’ll ever, all we’ll ever need
You’re all we’ll ever need
-Matthew West
Sylvia Esther Popp joined our family on October 6 at 9:26 p.m. She was 7lbs. 12oz. and 19 3/4 inches long. Her daddy and I could not be more in love with this wonderful little baby that was formed inside of me. After a long wait, and a long labor, she's here and (in my unbiased opinion) she's perfect. :)
I still find myself saying to Brian, "I can't believe she's really here.", "I can't believe she's OUR daughter.", "I can't believe she grew inside of me.", or "I can't believe she came out of me, check out the size of her head!". It's a pretty surreal experience, but definitely the most exciting and blessed thing I have ever experienced.
At 4:30 in the morning on October 6, I woke up to contractions that seemed stronger than those I had previously had. However, for anyone who read my two previous blogs (which I deleted, due to the nonsense I was spouting!), you know that I had previously had around 60 hours of contractions already that lead no where. I wasn't going to get too excited. However, at 5:30 after a trip to the bathroom and realizing that the contractions were in fact getting stronger, I woke Brian up just to give him a heads up. It was not long after that when I told Brian to go ahead and call his mom and my mom, that this was the real thing. I got up and took a shower, and by the time I got out the contractions were strong. They were consistently 4-5 minutes apart and at least 1 minute long from the very beginning. Brian called the midwife just to let them know, and to get some advice as to when to come in. She said to give it a while and to call her back. Brian coached me through contraction after contraction, and made sure I was eating as much as I could, while I could. Our friend Amber came down and got Xzavier and watched him until Brian's mom got to our house around 10:00 and took over with Xzavier, so that we could really focus on the labor. My mom ran into three accidents on her way here, so she showed up rather anxious at around 1:30. At that point the contractions were very strong, and some were even reaching 2 minutes in length. We called our midwife, and she said to go ahead and come in. We got to the birthing center (which I would recommend to ANYONE!) around 2:15 and I was 7 centimeters dialated. I used their bathtub, and their expertise on labor positions, and by 5:00 I was fully dialated. This is when the fun began.
I started pushing at 5:30, and by 7:30, had not really made much progress on her grand entrance. I was getting very discouraged, and VERY worn out. I kept pushing and pushing, changing positions and the whole deal - and while she did come down some, she wasn't even crowning by 8:30. At this point I was exhausted. Completely. I've never worked so hard in my life as I did in labor. A call had to be made, she wasn't coming down, and she couldn't stay in there forever. To the hospital we went.
Unfortunately I opted for the ambulance instead of taking our car. The EMT in the ambulance had obviously never seen a woman in labor or something, because he just sat there and stared at me. And two or three times in the middle of contractions (that I was still pushing through) he asked if he could check to "make sure I wasn't having the baby." Wow. That was not the right thing for him to ask me in the middle of third stage, un-coached contractions.
In the back of my mind, I was thinking, I'll get to the hospital, and they'll make it stop! They'll make it go away!! Now! But, to my surprise, I got to the hospital, and they told me to push. I tried to explain to them that I was done, there was no more pushing in me - this baby was coming out without my assistance at this point. They didn't listen. And I'm glad now. I ended up with an episiotomy and she needed a little help coming down, but then there she was. Perfect.
Brian imediately took off his shirt so that she could be skin on skin when they handed her to him, and he brought her to me and laid her on my chest. That was the best, most relieving moment of my entire life. They stiched me up and got me taken care of - which I didn't even notice, because I was holding my baby girl! At that point I asked what I could take for pain, since she was out, and I hadn't had any medication for the labor.
It was the best day of my life. And while I haven't forgotten the labor, as some women say you do, I would do it all over again. She's incredible. And I can't believe she's here now.
Can’t believe you’re here now
Tiny dream come true
The answer to a prayer now
I’m so in love with you
Couldn’t wait to meet you
Hope you like your name
I get the funny feeling
Life will never be the same
Safe and sound
You’re here with me now
Like I hoped you’d be
Safe and sound
You’re here with me now
And that’s all I’ll ever need
The world’s a scary place here
But baby it’s alright
I’ll make sure the coast is clear
So you can just sleep tight
But if you’re afraid of monsters
Like everybody is
I’ll be right beside you
Closer than a kiss
Safe and sound
I’m here with you now
And you will always be
Safe and sound
I’m here with you now
And that’s all you’ll ever need
Someday I’m gonna teach you
The reason why we pray
So that heaven’s love may reach you
Every single day
So, baby close your eyes now
And say a prayer with me
Lord, I lay me down to sleep now
But I know I will be
Safe and sound
You’re here with us now
And we will always be
Safe and sound You’re here with us now
And that’s all we’ll ever, all we’ll ever need
You’re all we’ll ever need
-Matthew West
October 5, 2009
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