I’ll try to make sense.

I’ve been hesitant to post much about my thoughts and experiences thus far about going to Tanzania.  Mostly because there has just been so much going through my mind and heart that it is hard to sit down and put any of it into much of a discernable post.  But, while part of my motivation to blog is to have memories to look back on, I also don’t want to blog in vain – so a lot of my motivation is in hopes God would use it to be helpful or encouraging, or even a warning of what not to do!  That’s been my motivation blogging through our fostering experience, and it’s my motivation now.  Looking at blogging through fostering, I think it’s been the most helpful or encouraging when I’ve been completely honest.  So I’ll try.

And God will use it if he wants.  And if not, well, that’s His prerogative.

Brian is leaving in just ten days to go to Arusha, Tanzania.  Possibly the place we will call home in just a few months.  Maybe not home.  Not right away.  Home is here, and we will be there, and for quite some time after we arrive, we would just be travelers.

My feelings about it continue to fluctuate between excitement, nervousness, and full blown fear.
The excitement and passion is from God.
The fear is from my flesh.

But Lord, what about my children?  There are so many risks there, so many diseases that I don’t know.  So many unknowns.  Lord, this love you’ve given me for them, it’s unrelenting.  Even for this one in my belly that I’ve never met.  It is a savage, intense, raw love.  I just need to know that I can protect them.  What if, what if, what if.  How do I let go of this?  I know you won’t take us anywhere that is not best for us, and for your glory, but, BUT…
I hear it in my heart – what I’m really saying.  What I’m really saying is that I need
control.

But there is a quiet whisper back, ‘Maggie, are not two sparrows sold for a penny? Yet not one of them will fall to the ground outside of my care.   Even the very hairs of their heads are all numbered. So don’t be afraid; they are worth much more to me than many sparrows.  I love them more than you can understand, with a love much more fierce than your own.  Remember, they are my daughters too.

You  can  trust  me.

You have placed your trust in other things.  You have placed your trust in yourself.  You have placed your trust in your insurance card.  You have placed your trust in Brian’s job.  These securities are only an illusion.  They are all from my hand.

I am their protector.  I am their provider.  I am their shelter, health, and breath.

And I love them even more than you do.

And, I am God.

You  can  trust  me.

He has been consistent to calm my fears and to remind me that what the world may see as crazy, He sees as obedience. 

The reasons we would go are pretty well summarized in this book and also in this one. (Both very good.)

Also here:

  I guess lastly, to finish up this completely indiscernible post (I warned you.) I just want to say that I really, sincerely hope that nothing I post about Tanzania (or about fostering in the past) comes off sounding self righteous.  If anything, I want to post to show that God uses people who are otherwise useless.  People who do “radical” things for Christ are not to be held up.  If any of this has taught me anything it is just more about how incapable I am without Him.
I am scared.
I am untrusting.
I am cold.
I am selfish.
And anything good is His work.
Just wanted to put that out there.