nausea.

The last couple of days I’ve really been feeling pretty buried by all the hurt.

The hurt of Jae in all of this, the hurt of Zee causing his physical aggression, the hurt of them being temporarily separated, the hurt of not having Zee here, the hurt of the boys’ fear of the future, the hurt of knowing Jae will be leaving, the hurt of the unknown.

The hurt of feeling so helpless.  I just want to make it better.  There is a clawing at my heart that makes me feel physically ill.

I was wracking my brain all day yesterday trying to come up with some service to implement, some intervention that would help Zee’s physical aggression.  Something that would make it possible for him to stay here.  That would ensure that his physical aggression would not get even worse.

And I just keep coming back to the same thing -

It’s just not safe.  It is not safe for him to be here while he is struggling with the physical aggression that has brought us to this hard place.  I don’t feel that it would be safe for me to be home alone with him and Sylvia when he was really angry.  And I think it is going to escalate.

 

They’ve found a home that is only 30 minutes away from their hometown, where their siblings are placed.  I don’t think that they will try to put them all four together for the time being – it’s just asking for disruption.  The boys will go for a pre-placement visit Friday through Saturday, and if it goes well, will probably move next week.

We’ve always said that we wouldn’t ask a child to leave our home unless it wasn’t safe for them to be there.  We know the effects that disruption has on kids – so we decided that we wouldn’t do it unless there were really no choice.  I just never really thought we’d get there  - where there was no choice, where it wasn’t safe.

 

Please pray for the boys.  Pray for their angry hearts.  Pray for their healing.  Pray for their caseworker (whew, that’s almost hard for me to type.  terrible of me.). 

Pray for their parents.  Maybe a miraculous turnaround – cause goodness knows that if it is safe – we pray that they go home.

I don’t even know what to title this post.

Really I’m not even sure what to write.  Where to start.

 

Since my last post, Zee has become increasingly physically aggressive.  Somewhere in the last couple of weeks, this has all become too much for him. 

Night before last he was extremely physically aggressive.  He also seemed to be showing some signs of PTSD – almost like flashbacks.  He was talking about things that have happened in the past, and was looking at us like we were strangers.  We got through that night.

The next morning (yesterday) Brian had to leave early for work.  I had the boys on my own for the morning until their Rocket Camp.  Zee woke up just as aggitated as he fell asleep, and was rearing to go.  Luckily Sylvia was still asleep.  He was becoming increasingly physically agressive as the morning went on and was completely out of control.  Jae, thankfully, was having a good morning.

I ended up having to call Brian to come home from work.  Sylvia was about to wake up, and I knew I couldn’t handle her and Zee the way he was behaving – and that it wasn’t safe.  Brian came home, and Zee continued to escalate.  He was hitting, kicking, biting, and throwing things.  We did our best to calm him down, to talk him through it, but he was only getting worse.

We ended up having to call the police again.  This time the police said they thought it would be best for him to go with them for a while.  They took him down to the detention center. 

Brian and I knew that a decision had to be made.  We had to know when to call it – when it wasn’t safe for him to be with us anymore.  The fact that it only seems to be getting worse, and the fact that I cannot safely be home with him and Sylvia by myself led us to decide that our home was no longer a safe place for him to live.

 

Right now he is in a respite home.  The caseworker is out of town (although she never told us this – and has her cell phone off – and when I called and left two urgent messages at her office, no one cared to tell me she was gone.) and no major decisions will be made until she gets back Monday.

Zee is (obviously) not thinking clearly right now.  But is currently saying that he wants to be moved from our home, and that he does not want to live with Jae.  I know that in time this is not what he will want.  He is so confused.  So lost in all of this.

At this point I am sincerely hoping that they decide to move Jae in with Zee.  Jae has been an emotional wreck ever since Zee left and he bawled himself to sleep last night.

 

 

I can’t really even describe what all of this is like.

My heart hurts for those boys so badly – in such a way that I don’t even know how to explain it.  I hate all of this.  I hate their situation.  I hate that they can’t understand what is happening – even the way they are feeling.  I hate that I don’t think things are going to get better for them any time soon.  I hate that we can’t fix it.  I hate that there is nothing I can do.  I hate that they can’t be here.  I hate that they may not remember that we love them.

I cannot fathom their pain.

I am pleading with God for things to get better for them.  Pleading that their hearts make it through all of this without becoming void of feeling, emotion, love.  Pleading that He would carry them.  Please, Lord.