And it continues.

  I’ve been a little quiet since the hearing last week and all that has happened since then.  Thank you to all who e-mailed, texted, called, and prayed.  I think I just needed a little time to frame my mind around all of it and be sure that I was at least within throwing distance of the right attitude before I talked about it much.

 

  I feel like we all (everyone on the case plan team) went into the hearing rather confident of what would happen.  The caseworker had already changed the case plan goal to adoption at the previous case plan meeting, an adoption worker was assigned, etc. 

  At this point, seven years into my experience in child welfare, I am convinced that if there is something that the court can do to throw you for a loop and/or neglect very important issues brought up in court reports, they will.

 

  Basically what happened was this:

The county attorney still had not filed the motion for severance.  This is why court was postponed for four weeks at the previous hearing.  All so that this attorney could file one piece of paperwork.

  Because the motion had not been filed, they could not legally set a hearing for termination of parental rights.  So this time, I guess to make sure they gave Mr. county attorney plenty of time to file his paperwork, they set the hearing out until January 13th. 

  In the meantime, the court ordered that the girls continue to have weekly visits with Mom and that her ‘progress’ be tracked.  This makes so much sense, since just in the last four weeks that she’s been in the picture, after being MIA for over 6 months, she has missed a visit, failed to be at Bella’s hospital appointment, and did not bring dinner for the girls at the visit that she did show up to.

 

  I wish that Bella and Tootaw would be able to go home.  I prayed for it incessantly for the first 12 months of the case.  We did everything we could to support mom and dad toward reunification.  I will forever mourn the hurt that the girls will experience for the rest of their lives due to not being able to be with their birth parents.

  But it is clearly not going to happen.  So at this point we are only picking scabs on two little girls’ devastated hearts.

 

 

Since resuming visits, Bella has started throwing up again and we are seeing the first traces of the same food issues that we had previously.  Tootaw completely regresses in potty training after every visit, and by the time we make any progress it is time for another visit.  They are so confused.

 

 

With that said, I am at a place where I am at peace with where God has us.  This is not His first intention for the girls.  This is a result of brokenness and sin and hurt.  But He will not leave them here alone.  He will use all of this – His scope reaches infinitely farther than mine.

And I know He will heal them in time.  I see it in Bella’s giggle, in how she is choosing to call us Mommy and Daddy now, in her gorgeous hair (which is now down past her shoulders!).  I see it in Tootaw’s attachment to Brian’s daddy love, in her smile and innocence, and in the easy way she has become a part of our family.  He will heal them.  He is healing them.  And no postponed court hearing is going to get in the way of that.

Bossing our hearts.

As we come up on the girls hearing this Thursday, and with all that has popped up in the case in the last three weeks, I find myself struggling with so many emotions.  In the up and down and back and forth it is so easy for me, in my mind, to exchange emotion for truth, and lies for what I know to be true.

 

I have had to constantly center myself with what I know is true.

With what I have been promised.

With the love that has been lavished on me.

 

I feel angry at Bella and Tootaw’s Mom for the continued trauma, the seeming lack of judgment for the girls’ good.  And while I think that unjust things that hurt His children make God angry too, I have to remind myself,

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.  [Proverbs 16:32]

and to

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every from of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  [Ephesians 4:31-32]

 

 

I feel afraid of what will happen at the hearing on Thursday.  That they will extend this hell for my children instead of allowing us to heal.  But then I remember,

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.       [Joshua 1:9]

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  [Isaiah 41:13]

 

 

I question why my girls have to go through this.  Why it has to hurt before it gets better.  But He reminds me,

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.     [Zephaniah 3:17]

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  [1 John 4:16]

 

 

I think, what good could come from this?  Why not just restore this now?  Why not just redeem what is broken here?  And lovingly, but firmly, He rebukes,

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off it's dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it?  On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?  …Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?  Have the gates of death been shown to you?  Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?  Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?  Tell me, if you know all this.  [Job 38:4-6, 16-18]

 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  [Romans 8:28]

 

 

 

 

So, we will go into Thursday trusting – bossing our hearts and our emotions that are so unreliable.  Knowing that He loves us, and that He has a very different, infinitely more wise, perspective on all that is happening.  I will be praying that they set a hearing for TPR, but will rest in knowing that whatever happens, He will use it all for His glory, which is our good.

Honestly weary, but still singing.

Oh my.  What a week. What’s that you say?  It’s only Tuesday?  Yes, yes, this candy bar in my hand is helping me process that.

 

Sunday afternoon my eldest was not quite acting like herself.  She was super crabby, and she actually chose to take a nap over helping clean up the playroom.  (And she’s actually usually quite helpful.)

This is the part where I should have said to myself, “Hey Maggie, maybe Bella is sick?”  But instead I chose the higher road, and said to myself, “Grumble, grumble, kids refusing to help pick up any messes, grumble grumble, what do they think I do all day, grumble grumble.”

Cause, you know, I want to teach my kids to be Christ-like.

 

Anyway, she got up from her nap, and sure enough, her temperature was 101.7.  Because of her disease, any time that she has a fever over 101.4 we have to be to the Emergency Room within 45 minutes.

So that’s where we went.

We got to the E.R. and they poked and prodded Ms. Bella and ran about 30 different tests.  They told us the workup, recommended a strong antibiotic, and told us that we needed to check in with the HemOnc unit first thing in the morning.

We got home at 11:30, wiped out.

The next morning I checked in with HemOnc – they said not to do the antibiotic just yet, and just to let them know if anything changed.  Bella slept in, so I snuck up to her room a few times that morning to check her temp, and it was holding right about 101. 

 

As soon as Bella got up, she complained of her neck hurting.  I took a look, and her entire neck, jaw, and ear area was swollen and she immediately started dry heaving.

This is when I start to panic.  These things aren’t the end of the world with an otherwise healthy kid – but with Bella’s disease everything is a big deal.  I called and of course they wanted us in the E.R. as soon as we could get there.

We went to the E.R. where they ran about 30 new and different tests and poked and prodded lots more.

 

Can you see her behind that belly?  Just barely?

 

In the end, they ruled out just about every possible thing other than a virus, which is what they have to do with her, prescribed us an antibiotic just in case, and told us to follow up with HemOnc today.  Somewhere in there I called in to participate in her case-plan meeting.

That was a long two days.

Very long.  And I was worried about my girl.

 

Also, it was the day of the girls’ visit with Mom. When I called the caseworker and let her know Bella was still sick, she said they would pick up Tootaw and just leave Bella here.

Which made me furious.

But, with us ending up at the hospital, it actually ended up being a good thing. I think Tootaw was too confused to be overly traumatized by the whole thing, and Bella was distracted enough that she didn’t even remember that she was not at a visit.

 

It was such a blessing to see how God provided through it though.  Brian’s cousins took dinner to our kids while we weren’t there and our friend Chris (who the girls now lovingly refer to as Grandma Chris) came and stayed with the little girls so I could be at the hospital, and Brian could take care of everything else. 

Our daughter is on the mend.  She has been well taken care of. 

He is our provider, and He is just so faithful.

 

 

With all that said, I am feeling weary.

The last two and a half weeks have included Tootaw and Sylvia being sick with fevers, Naomi ending up in the hospital for some unknown medical problems, the hearing, the girls’ first visit back with Mom, Bella being in the hospital for two days, a case plan meeting, and two children who haven’t been sleeping.  Amidst caring for our four kids, ushering in 3rd trimester, and general life, this has left us with a worn out Mama.  That’s just honesty.

 

But I also know that things will improve, they will not always be this crazy.  And I am so thankful for the ways that God has provided through it all, worked through it all, and given us strength.

 

The sun comes up, it's a new day dawning
It's time to sing Your song again
Whatever may pass, and whatever lies before me
Let me be singing when the evening comes.

Trading what is best for what is good.

 

I think that all too often, we have figured out what would make our lives good (or let society and others do it for us), and maybe without even noticing it, we decide to trade what God has for us for what we have deemed good.

When really, what could be better than what God has for us?

Why would we want to trade what must be best for what we have deemed as good?

 

What God has for us may not be easy, it may not seem ideal, it probably won’t look a whole lot like the “American Dream”,  it may not be what the world would say is best, and it may not be what we had in mind.

But I would imagine that neither did the gospel when it was being lived out by the Son of God.

 

 

Since we have decided to be open to the adoption of Bella and her sister, if it should come to that, I have heard a lot about what I will miss, what won’t be possible, and what I’ll be giving up.

About how busy I’ll be, running myself ragged.  About how I’ll miss one on one time with my kids.  About how I’m going to lose my mind when they’re all teenagers.  What if my kids miss out on __________ fill in the blank.

 

I’m not convinced that we’ll give up anything close to what we’ll gain.

And if this is what God has for our family, those things are all good things, but I cling to the promise that what he has is best. 

 

I could cling to those things, those ideals.  And to be honest, many of those things are things I would love to cling to.

My life looks very different than I ever planned for it to – if it were up to ME Bella wouldn’t even be in our home.  Because when she first came, and her medical/hospital schedule was much more rigorous than we were initially told – I did cling to those things.  I told them she had to leave because, how would I ever have enough “one on one” time with Sylvia and Naomi if I was taking care of such a sick child?  I wanted to cling to those things.

But thank God that through prayer and the support of our worker, God made it work.  And I had to loosen my grip on some of those ideals.

 

And now I have a third daughter that I love incredibly.  That I wouldn’t trade for the world.  And it is because God knew what was best even when I knew what was good.  My family, and how we work looks a lot different than most of the world – but quite frankly, it should.

 

This road he has us on will be hard.  I will fail.  I will face more difficulty than if I just kept things simple.  My life will look different on the outside than most people my age, or at all for that matter.  But I pray that because of the adversity, because it will keep my eyes and my dependence on Him, that it will look different on the inside too.

 

And what He has will be best.

So I will, against the traditional grain, risk giving up what I see as good.

Weary.

 

Things have been a bit quiet here at the blog as of late.

Not so much in real life.  Which is why I’ve been so silent.  I have had about 500 things I would have liked to blog about.  But I was probably cleaning up vomit.

 

Life has bewildered me lately.  I can think of no better word than weary to describe the state of my soul two days ago.

 

For some reason, I began to let all of the ups and downs, ins and outs (of partially digested food, that is), and free-falls of Bella’s case to wear me out.  I think I began to allow them to wear me out much earlier than I would like to admit, and it all just piled up in my soul, just leaving me feeling incapable of dealing with it.

 

It was a mixture of the puke, the lice (again, and again), the increase, decrease, and sometimes cancellation of visits, the treatments and appointments for Bella’s disease,  the searing pain that I see ravaging my little girl’s heart, and all of the behaviors that go along with said pain (which have only increased.).  And the puke.  Did I already mention that?  The puke?

 

Weary.

 

I was not in a good place.  I was struggling with blaming Bella for behaviors, feelings, and vomit that were not her fault.

 

But, the Lord give rest to the weary.  (amen!)

And it came to this Mama through a wonderful, blessed little think we around here like to call R.E.S.P.I.T.E.  (sung to the tune of Respect, of course.)  Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, Bella is spending the day with another foster mom I know (Brian takes her in the morning and picks her up on his way home.).  We knew that spending the night away would be traumatic for her, so this was our compromise.  Now it’s just like she gets to go play at a friend’s house for the day.

 

Can I tell you that I feel like a whole new person today from two days ago?  I just needed a little mental reprieve.  A chance to reframe my thoughts.  A chance to relax (now you know I was wound when I say taking care of a two year old and a one year old is relaxing).  And a chance to go somewhere without fear that my backseat would be covered in vomit!  The freedom!

 

Already I am better able to love Bella, and able to remind myself just why I love her so much! 

I’ve actually gotten to spend time in prayer today and be reminded that my King is the King of redemption, unyielding love, and infinite strength!  The same God who shut the mouths of the lions and took down Goliath will not leave me alone to fight in my own strength.  He will armor my heart with love and grace.

I’ve also gotten to spend some good, not stressed out, special time with Sylvia and Naomi which has been wonderful.  wonderful.

 

I’m not usually a big respite advocate.  Mostly because I’ve seen it used in hurtful ways.  But I am seriously considering doing a day of daytime respite once every couple of weeks.  It helps me to be a better Mama.

 

That is all.  Off to actually get some cleaning done that is not the mopping of puke.

And then your life changes.

This is going to come out disorganized and a little like word vomit.  That’s how my thoughts are right now, but I wanted to get this all down for memory’s sake.

 

To start at the beginning…

Brian and I have always had a heart for fostering and adoption, but we’ve always just pursued fostering to foster, with the idea that if the opportunity to adopt came up with one of our kids that we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.  In four years of fostering, that opportunity has never presented itself (which I think is pretty rare, really.) and God has grown in us the desire to adopt.  More specifically to adopt a child or children who would otherwise be difficult to find a home for (sibling groups, “older children”, etc.).

There are a number of things regarding our plans, life stage, etc, that lead us to a place where we feel like now(ish) would be a good time for us to adopt.  So, back in August of last year, we casually talked to our worker about our interest in actually pursuing adoption (while still fostering) (obviously.).

Here we are, seven months later, not having heard anything, I was beginning to think that maybe fostering is just what God has for us, and that would be ok.

 

Then…

 

On February 28th our family worker texted me…

“Would four be too many?”

Quickly followed up by…

“If three are school aged and there are no significant behaviors?”

 

Our immediate response was something similar to, “Are you nuts?”  Followed by prayer and conversation.  We decided to look into it.  Our hearts long to be obedient to Jesus.  We’ve been praying to adopt.  This is where we find ourselves. 

 

I should throw in there that we trust our worker very much.  She is even more protective of our family than we are, and I know she wouldn’t have asked us if she didn’t think it was a good match.

 

 

We really hadn’t heard anything about the kids since the initial question from our worker.  They were still looking into one last relative possibility, and nothing was for sure.

Fast forward to Monday, when I got a call from our family worker.

The last relative is being denied an ICPC.  The caseworker is petitioning to get a court hearing sooner than later for a permanency hearing (upon which they could officially start working on an adoption.).

 

 

 

She wanted to know if we want to meet the kids on Sunday.

 

 

 

Ummm…yes.  (?!?!?!)

It will be very casual.  Their foster parents will just introduce us as some of their friends, we’ll hang out for a while and play, and then we’ll leave.

Having maybe just met our children.

our children.

They are ages 3, 4, 8, and 11.  Girl, girl, girl, boy.

 

Holy. Cow.

We would really covet your prayers.  For discernment, for trust, for courage.  But most importantly for hearts like Jesus’ and for Him to plant love in our hearts for our children before we have even met them. 

 

My last thoughts are only,

Wow.  What a beautiful life that God has allowed us.  What a privilege to follow Him.  What an adventure he has us on.  Thank you Jesus.

A listening heart.

As parents, we really try our best not to parent behaviors, but to parent hearts.  No matter the background of a child, their behaviors spill out of their little hearts that are broken, trying to navigate through this life.  Life in a world that is as broken as their hearts, broken but not beyond repair.  Broken in selfishness, broken in greed, broken in anger.  The first signs that this is not our home, this is not where we belong.

 

When our kids are struggling to share, or to be kind, or to be loving, we talk to them about what their hearts are saying.

A selfish heart says ‘mine, mine, mine’ but a generous heart says ‘here, you have a turn.’     You get the idea.

 

At night we pray with them before bed – we pray about how our day went, give thanks for our blessings, and pray for our friends.

 

The last couple days have been hard.  Pull-my-hair out frustrating.  Behaviors from the back and forth of visits are in hyperdrive.

 

As I started to pray with Bella last night, I didn’t even know where to start, what to say.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted.  So I just started out really honest.

“God, some days we have a lot of trouble listening.  We just don’t have listening hearts.”

 

As the words came out of my mouth, mostly intended for the kind of day that Bella had just had, my prayer hit my heart.

 

I had a lot of trouble listening.  I didn’t have a listening heart.

All I could hear all day was our struggles, when God was speaking to me something completely different.

 

This tantrum, this is your opportunity to love her.  Go.  Love her.  Do it well.

Your little two year old that is so stubbornly (frustratingly) strong willed?  She will do great things someday because she doesn’t. give. up.

The mess that you see when you look at your house?  There is beauty in it.  It is the sign of a day full of life.  It is the beauty of having my children under your roof.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times (he chuckles), slow. down.

But I didn’t hear these things in the moment, because I was focused on how my children just weren’t listening.

The irony.

Some days I think God just shakes his head at me.  Out of love, of course.

 

For all the times I pray that my children would have listening hearts, I pray the same for myself.

Answered prayer, aching heart.

It’s been really busy?

 

I guess that’s my excuse for telling you that Bella had a hearing, and then not updating.

But you all let me know.

So here’s an update, for all the e-mails and questions! 

(I feel very blessed that there are so many people who care to stay updated!)

 

All reports at court were good!

I knew that Dad was doing well – he’s been very motivated since day one.  Mom I was a little more concerned about – but apparently she’s come around and is doing very well also.

They have planned for Bella to start doing overnight visits every Saturday beginning in a week and a half.  These overnights will culminate in a four day visit over Christmas (hard not to have mixed emotions over that!).

Also, the court approved for them to have a 30 day trial home visit some time in the next 90 days.  I’m guessing it will start some time in January.

 

Honestly – this is what foster care should look like.

Motivated parents, progress, teamwork to overcome barriers to reunification.  I am so thankful for progress that is cautious.  Progress that includes the agency still keeping tabs on how things are going, and setting the parents up for success.  Progress that is not overwhelming for Bella, her parents, us – but is still working toward home.

 

 

With that said, we are headed into a transition back home.

None of our kids in the past have had a proper transition, for several different reasons.  I think a well played transition is more the exception than the rule. 

But even now, being given notice in months instead of days or hours, it seems so fast.  It’s just that gripping realization that before this season has even had it’s last snow, it is likely that our beautiful Bella will no longer be here with us.

 

 

That is mixed with an intense joy for her and her parents.  This is what I have prayed and prayed and prayed for them.  Through long nights rocking her to sleep through the tears, this is what I have begged for.

Fix the brokenness, mend the hearts, graft this family back together.  Redemption.

 

I am so happy for Bella, and so happy for her parents.  I pray the next couple of months are smooth and healing.

And although my heart aches at the thought of her leaving, I know that He gives and takes away for our good, and for His glory.  I will cherish the time we have with her, while championing her family’s new beginning.

Thinspiration.

Hi, my name is Maggie, and I am addicted to Pinterest.

Pinterest gives me the little creativity outlet that sustains me when I don’t have time to sew in between diapers.  It also supplies me with a list of cool crafts and sewing ideas that I will never complete in this lifetime.  But I can dream.

 

The last few weeks, though, I’ve noticed something on Pinterest that really bothers me.  A lot.

There are a lot of women who have boards solely devoted to pictures of women who are skinnier than they are.  They label them clever things like ‘thinspiration’ and ‘20 pounds from now’.  This is bothersome.  What is even worse, is that they pin pictures of women who are clearly not healthy.  Women who are not ‘in shape’ but are ill in the way they view their bodies.  There are enough women pinning these pictures that they are aggregating on the list of popular pins.

 

As a mother of daughters, this scares me more than any words I can contrive.

 

My daughters,

  Know that I am on my knees, pleading for your understanding of worth.  By all means, I want to teach you how to be healthy and care for your bodies, but health is not what you see in the mirror.  I pray that you never look into a mirror and find your worth in what you see.

  God made you.  Let me pause there.

God made you.

And when he made you, he looked at you and saw His beautiful daughter.  He made you to be beautiful from the inside out.  As I pray for you, I pray that you find your purpose in growing in love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, and self control.  I pray that you find your worth in being a child of God.

 

The world will tell you that you have to look different – no matter how you look.  The advertisements will tell you that what you are is not good enough. (One of the primary reasons we don’t have a t.v. – which I’m sure you’ll hate me for at some point.)  There is no end to striving after what they tell you to be – because they will always tell you to be something else.

And  they.  are.  wrong.

Your beauty is not a number on a scale, or a tube of makeup, or a special cleanser that makes your pores smaller and your zits disappear, or a different outfit that makes you more acceptable to them.  It’s not even defined by your ‘failures’ – because that is how we learn.

Your true beauty will be defined in your character.  In your generosity.  How you won’t think twice about giving all you’ve got because someone else needs it.  Your true beauty will be defined by your selflessness and humility.  Your true beauty will be defined by how you display love that is not of this world.  Really it’s only when you stop focusing only on what you see in the mirror that you can show anyone your true beauty.

Right now you are so confident.  You do something (like spin in circles) and then yell, “Look, Daddy!”, so sure that what you are doing is wonderful.  You are confident because they haven’t gotten to you yet – they haven’t been able to tell you that your spinning just isn’t up to par, it’s not twirly enough, or that your butt looks big when you spin.  You don’t know, yet, that the whole world is waiting to tell you that your spinning just isn’t good enough, and that the quality of your spinning should define who you are.

I plead that you will not get caught up in this world.  It’s just not worth it. 

When I look at you, I see beauty because of who God created you to be.  You are beautiful because you were created in His image. 

Please don’t listen to them.  Please.  Keep spinning.  It’s beautiful.

Rogaine Shmogaine.

I love this little girl.

 

One week ago today Ms. Bella had the last of her third round of treatment.  She is so brave, and I could not be more proud of her.  The joy while leaving that hospital on Tuesday was so thick you could taste it (and we did.  via an ice cream treat.  that’s the same as joy, isn’t it?). 

We’re not done yet.  Now she goes on maintenance for the next year and a half.  But on maintenance we only have to go to the hospital once a month (!!) and most of her treatment is home administered.  It adds to our ridiculous collection of medication under our sink, but I am so excited that she won’t have to be pricked and prodded for every round of treatment now.

Her body has responded very well to treatment so far.  Since she came to us her counts (which basically tell you how well her body can fight off infection) have only risen, and for several weeks have been at the same level as someone without her disease.  Amazing.  God is good.  (Thank you for your prayers.)

 

And did you catch it?  In that picture up there?

 

 

Hair. And those eyelashes?  I’ve never seen such eyelashes before.

She is a perfectly beautiful little girl without it.  From the inside out.  And if you know her for more than five minutes, you don’t even notice anymore.

But it means more than beauty.  It means health. growth. improvement. 

When she’s in the tub and I reach down to wash it (because it’s long enough to wash now!) it’s like seeing God’s rainbow in the sky.  A promise.  Things are getting better.  She is getting better.

Every blessing you pour out I’ll turn back to praise.

Always an adventure.

  Sylvia’s had quite the crash course in sharing these past few weeks – but I think that she’s getting the hang of it, and I think we’re all settling into a new normal.  Which is good, because it seems Bella will be with us for a while.

 

She really enjoys stealing my iPhone and taking pictures.

 

  Brian and I had no peace about asking her to move, but we just weren’t sure what to do.  The situation really seemed pretty impossible given our family’s life stage right now.  The medical side of things is just so intense, and we couldn’t figure out how to make it work with two other little ones.  But like I said, we had no peace. 

 

  We prayed about it.  A lot.  We weren’t sure how we were going to do it, but we were pretty sure that saying no was not the right answer.  We decided to try to make it work, and see what God had in mind in telling us not to give up.

 

I find pictures like this on it all. the. time.

 

  The very next day we got a call from the hospital telling us that they could set us up with a home health nurse who could come to our house to do all of her labs.

  We also have a resource family worker that is willing to do almost anything to provide us with support.  She’s really great.

  On top of all of that we were (finally) given a solid outline of her treatment schedule from here on out.  She has treatment every ten days until the beginning of September – and then she only has it once per month!  Doable.  She has one or two labs between each treatment, but those can be done at our house.

  Last, but not least, the caseworker set up visits for treatment days, so a family member will be there for her treatments – I take her and pick her up.

 

Obedience.  Provision.  God is good.

 

 

  So, little Bella is a part of our family for some unknown amount of time.  Things have been crazy, but also very blessed.  For every challenge there is a blessing, and we will only linger on the latter.

 

  I pray so intensely that she can go home safely and in a timely manner.  She is homesick like no child I’ve ever seen – which is probably significant.

 

Until then, a family of five we will be.

 

Because the Church has no pinch hitter.

We must force ourselves to step to the plate.

A family member forwarded me this article, ‘My Take: On Adoption, Christians Should Put Up or Shut Up.’  A lot of what is posted on the Belief Blog I don’t agree with, but this gets a resounding Amen.

 

Soapbox, please.

 

  When people hear you’re a foster parent, it can spark some interesting conversations.  Lots of people give me their two cents on foster care – having no real background – and that’s ok, I like to talk about it, love it actually.

 

  But there are some comments that I think this article responds to very well.

 

Sometimes I get the:

  “You know, there are a lot of people who think that the government shouldn’t even run programs like foster care – that it is the responsibility of the church and therefore should be left to the church.”

 

  I agree.  Wholeheartedly.  Just one thing.  A small detail.

I am ‘the church’.  You are ‘the church’.

You are ‘the church’.

  So where does that leave us?

 

Or there is the inevitable conversation about abortion.  Outlawing.  Picketing.  Cutting funds.  I can only think of one thing – “So you’re licensing to adopt then?  Foster, maybe?  For all of those children who have nowhere to go?”  There will be thousands, and

I am ‘the church’.  You are ‘the church’.

You are ‘the church’.

  So where does that leave us?

 

There are lots of reasons not to foster.  There are lots of reasons not to adopt.  I am not saying that everyone should do either.  But I don’t say that to let anyone off the hook either.  Because the reality is that

 

I am the church.  You are the church.

We are ‘the church’.

 

  What’s crazy is that Jesus meant what he said.  We’re talking the Son of GOD here, there are no suggestions.  And the repercussion of true belief is action.  Let’s step up to the plate.  Following through on what we believe is not always easy, but it is always a blessing.

  I don’t post this out of a heart that thinks I’ve got no hypocritical blind spots.  I know that I do, and I pray that if my brothers and sisters in Christ see a blind spot of mine, that they would show me, and encourage me to live what I say I believe.

Because we are ‘the church’.

Rahab.

Most people with knowledge of the bible hear the name Rahab and instantly think, "the Prostitute."  It only makes sense.  Every time she is mentioned in the Bible she is referred to as 'Rahab the Prostitute.'

So.

Why did we name our daughter after a woman only referred to as a harlot?

  First, I have to say, that I think Rahab gets a pretty bad rap.  What if we were all always called by our very worst sin, our greatest weakness, our biggest failure?  Maggie the judgmental.  Maggie the doubter.  Maggie the selfish.  I'm not entirely sure why Rahab gets pinned with this, there were plenty of women in the Bible who did some shady stuff.  If David were only known as 'David the adulterous murderer' then there probably wouldn't be as many Davids in our world today, yeah?

Let's look past her label.  God obviously did.

It is likely that Rahab was a prostitute by necessity.  Women in that time were frequently 'called by the king' with no say in the matter.  The king would bring them to his palace to determine if he wanted them to be among his many queens and concubines.  If the woman he called was not to his liking, she was then considered 'used' and did not have other options.  Starve or be a prostitute?  

Rahab lived in Jericho, a city that did not know God.  They worshiped idols made of clay and stone and chose not to acknowledge the God of the Israelites.  But now the Israelites were coming to take the city.  They were on their way, and God had given them victory over every army they had come against on their way.  The king of the Jericho was convinced that if they built walls high enough, thick enough, well manned enough, that they could fend off the Israelites without cause for worry.

But Rahab thought otherwise.  She had grown up hearing stories about their God, how he parted the Red Sea, sent plagues to Egypt, and handed kingdoms over to the Israelites.  This was no clay idol.  Their God had power.  So when two Israelite spies entered the gates of the city she welcomed them in, gave them the information they needed, hid them from the king's soldiers, and sent them away in a direction opposite that she sent the soldiers coming to capture them.  

She knew their God was all powerful.  She wished to know Him.  She would serve Him in the ways she was able.  

In return for saving their lives, the Israelite spies promised Rahab that she and anyone else in her house would be safe when they took the city.  Sure enough, when the walls fell and they took the city, Rahab and her family were spared.  Rahab wanted to join the Israelites in following their God, and because of her faith, God blessed her by grafting her into his people through marriage.

Only later would we find out that he had also grafted her into the lineage of Jesus.

Rahab is one of two women listed in Hebrews 11 - the hall of faith.  She was commended for having 'confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see' along with Abraham, Enoch, and Noah.
Regardless of her past, Rahab recognized God for who he was.  She had faith in the midst of a city and a family that told her she was crazy.  She came to God as she was, and he took her in, made her His, redeemed her, and used her life to glorify Himself.

Naomi will mess up.  She will make mistakes and she will make choices she regrets.  I pray that she has the faith of Rahab.  I pray she will have faith in God in the midst of a world that often turns away.  I pray she will come to God regardless of where life takes her so that he can take her under his wing, make her His, adopt her into His family, redeem her, and use her life to glorify Himself.

And that is why she is Naomi Rahab.

Back in the Saddle.

  Ahhh, twists and turns, the story of our lives.

I think that some of our twists are a result of a Father who loves us enough to want to teach us to be dependent on Him.  He knows that given the opportunity, I will plan our next two years out down to the letter, even if I don’t realize I’m doing it – and he loves me enough not to let me do it.  He knows there is more beauty in full dependence on Him than there is in a carefully planned out life.

I’m also fairly certain that some of our twists are the result of our fight against dependence, our attempt to plan.  I’ve found that without a very concerted effort to listen, to wait, to follow, I end up trying to take steps that he hasn’t yet led me to, only to find myself doing a little backtracking and learning to wait patiently on God to do the leading.

 

Either way, twists and turns can be a good thing.  As long as we allow them to draw us closer to Christ instead of just into disappointment when plans shift from the blueprints our hard heads have concocted.

 

We continue to work with Samaritan Village – although as we do, it is clear that there is a great need for someone to be here working with the organization on structure and sustainability.  There is just work that needs to be done to ensure that the organization can continue to grow and serve in the long term.  Really, in order for us to be able to serve in that way, we need to be here – going to board meetings and being available for phone communication.  Things we cannot do from Africa, essentially.

So, we will continue to work with Samaritan Village from here until God shows us otherwise.  (I can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from our children’s grandparents. :) )

 

 

Other news?  This means we will be able to continue to foster right now!  I am joyful over this.  Although, God leading, I’d be happy to go to Tanzania, my heart was mourning having to leave fostering.  It is something I am so passionate about, and God has given me such a burden for.  So, praise God, we’re back in the saddle!! 

 

We actually have a respite placement coming this evening – and since accepting the respite placement have had no fewer than 4 phone calls for other children in need of placement.  (Have I mentioned we need more foster parents?)  So, here we go.

And I’m going to try to be better about blogging again.  I plan to make an effort to blog more about Samaritan Village, the fam, pictures, fostering, and this journey of refinement God’s got us on.

 

I so pray that God can be glorified in all of this.  In the twists and turns, in the refining of my heart, in whatever ways he chooses to use us.  That is my prayer.

The Inbetween.

I’m pretty sure I’ve linked this blog before.  And if I haven’t, it is sorely overdue.  It’s full of honest reflections of a family that up and moved to Haiti to serve Jesus. 

Anyway, she recently posted this quote, which spoke to me exactly where we are.  It also has such application to the journey of foster parenting, for my foster parent blog friends.  Always Inbetween.

There's a place between here and there.  A piece of ground in the middle of take-off and landing.  A section of the unknown within beginning and ending.  You probably find yourself there from time to time.  It's the land known as Inbetween.


Inbetween is one of the most rugged places in life.  You aren't fully here, and you aren't fully there.  Your emotions and hopes are strewn across an endless list of possibilities.  Door knobs of wood, brass, and silver line the path, but which will open?  In the land of Inbetween, the paths are lined with sealed envelopes and foggy dreams.  Excitement runs forward and fears hold back.  And if you stay long enough, you feel the tremors of  your soul.


The land of Inbetween is downright scary.  It's a place of blind trust.  It's where the pedals of faith meet the narrow road of fortitude and where movement is demanded though there's no place to go.  The worst part of this land isn't the uncertainty or frustration that accompany it - it's that God likes it when you're there.


While He's no sadist, God loves the land of Inbetween.  He loves what it does to us.  He loves the humility and dependence it creates in our hearts, so He creates innumerable forks in life's road that swerve us into the land of Inbetween.  The unknowns of job, marriage, children, and home are the signs of this uncertain land.  At times, people are thrust into Inbetween by mishaps, accidents, sudden deaths, and even unexpected fortune.  Some people visit so many times they begin to wonder if it's life.  And they aren't far off.


So what will hold you steady when you walk through the terrain of Inbetween?  A recognition that Inbetween is God's design.  In one miraculous moment, the Creator of the universe placed you in the greatest Inbetween of all time - the place between the earthly creation and eternity.  Life's smaller lunges forward and backward are merely postcard reminders that there's something greater than this place we're visiting.


If you're in your own land of Inbetween, remember that God was the original designer of this journey.  You can get mad, scream, and even pout if you want. But it doesn't change the fact that you're merely passing through.  Everything else is Inbetween.  (from Deeper Walk, a Relevant Devotional Series)

 

  This is such a good reminder that this longing that I feel in my soul while we are preparing, waiting, planning, mapping, trusting, is only a picture of my soul’s real longing.  A longing to get where we’re really headed.  A longing to be home and done and settled.  A longing to know that where I am is where I will be.

  A picture comes to mind of Fred Flinstone.  (Of course, the me version of Fred is well, uh, less Fred-ish.  And less covered in animal skins.)  My feet are moving.  Very quickly.  The dust is gathering behind me.  Eventually my feet will hit the ground, and we’ll be moving.  I guess this revving up of sorts is just as important as the moment our feet hit the ground.  (Although, I don’t envision myself yelling Yabadabadoo.) 

  (Come to think of it, lets forget about the Fred Flinstone thing.  It’s the baby brain I tell you.)

 

  Anyway.  This was refreshing for my soul.  We are inbetween, but we won’t be forever.  And God is using this time just as much as he will use our time in our perceived destination.  And it’s only when we get to our real destination that we will truly be out of The Inbetween.

Random. Very.

My thoughts are completely scrambled right now.  Perfect time to write a blog post, yeah?  Stream of consciousness…..GO:

 

  We are steadily working toward Africa, and working with Samaritan Village from here as we go.  Right now this mostly looks like getting our house ready to sell and trying to get it on the market for some short period of time before the baby gets here.  After that I figure it will be  a couple months (or years.  seriously.)  before I can keep the house remotely clean enough for showings.

  We’re having a bathroom put in – which became an obviously mandatory step in selling our house.  It should be done mid-March and then we’ll list the house for a month or so.  We’ll call our agent when I go into labor to let him know to pull the house.  Not really – we’ll pull it before then, but every second counts, right?

  So we are moving steadily.  Slowly, but steadily.  Which is a good thing.  Have I mentioned that God has given me the heart of a doer?  When I’m passionate about something, I have enough get up and go to force a freight train into motion.  God is teaching me about waiting and patience.  This is a good lesson for me.

 

 

  It’s very easy for me to get discouraged and down (i.e. overly emotional) when we run into speed bumps with Samaritan Village.  It actually just occurred to me that it could have something to do with pregnancy hormones.  I like to act like they don’t exist, but evidence definitely leans to the contrary.  Post pregnancy I get reallly whacked out on hormones, so it’s not likely to get better any time soon.  Of course post pregnancy I’m a much more ‘random happy tears’ version of myself – which usually can only be a good thing.

  God is teaching me a lot about the difference between finding my peace in my emotions vs. finding my peace in Him.  He’s much more stable.  Definitely the way to go.

 

  God has been faithful to continue to smooth said speed bumps and open doors for our work with Samaritan Village.  Brian is working diligently right now on the organization’s structure to prepare if for growth and better efficiency.  He insists I’m needed in this – something about balancing him out – but he has a great business mind (bragging on my husband.  that’s allowed.)  and right now I’m mostly just cheering him on.  I feel like I will be of most use once we get to Africa.

  Which is another thing God is teaching me.  I am a micro-level person.  I am very hands on.  I am a social worker through and through.  I cannot wait to get to Arusha and wrap my arms around those kiddos.

 

  God is teaching me so much through this journey.  SO much.  Unfortunately I have baby brain to the max, and I cannot verbalize or put into text anything that flows for more than two paragraphs.  I’ll try to do a better job in the future though.  Till then, God is good.  All the time.

Fitting.

I just heard this song today for the first time, and thought that it was fitting for the post yesterday.  Cool video too.

Just one.

  Since starting this journey toward Africa (eventually we’ll be able to say ‘in Africa’!!)  I have heard several times, “Well, you can’t save them all.”

 

Oh goodness.  Don’t get me started.  But you already have.

Of all the reasons various people may think we shouldn’t go, please, please don’t use this one.

 

When did just one become so insignificant to us?  I know that we can’t save them all.  (In fact, I know that we can’t save any children at all – we’ll leave that one to the Big Guy.)  I am aware of the vastness of the problem, and it’s one of the very reasons that we are going. 

When we hear that nearly 30,000 children will die from preventable causes before we lay our heads on our pillows tonight, it seems like too much.  If you live in a large town – really anything short of a city – it is like waking up tomorrow morning to find that all of the children in your town are dead.  And that they all died of something that could have been prevented. 

If that happened, we would expect it to be international news.  For weeks.  We would expect someone to look into the matter until it had been solved.  Until we had answers.  Until we knew it wouldn’t happen again.

But it will happen today.  And it will happen again tomorrow.  And NBC, CNN, and FOX will find better things to report on.  Yet I keep hearing,

“You know, you can’t save them all.”

 

I sure am glad I’m on this side of the equation.  Because if it were me, if I were living in a third world country and had no means to support my family, no clean water to give my children – If it were me, and I was sitting there rocking my Sylvia in my arms knowing that she was starving and there was nothing I could do about it,  I would be on my knees begging that someone would think it was worth it to save

just one.

That someone could see the beauty and worth, the woman that God created her to be, that I see when I look into her eyes.  When God looks into her eyes.

In eyes like

this, and

this, and

 

these.

 

And I praise God that we serve a savior that would do anything for just one.

“Suppose one of you has a hundred sheep and loses one of them.  Does he not leave the ninety-nine in the open country and go after the lost sheep until he finds it?  And when he finds it, he joyfully puts it on his shoulders and goes home…..I tell you that in the same way there will be more rejoicing in heaven over one sinner who repents  than over ninety-nine righteous persons who do not need to repent.”

                                                             -Jesus

I am so thankful that I serve a God who finds it all worth it for  just one.

Hi, my name is Maggie, and I am a planner.

Admitting you have a problem is the first step, right? 

  One step forward, two steps back.  That’s what life has been lately. It’s also probably what life will look like a lot in the future as well – it’s just the name of the game working with an organization at the stage of life that Samaritan Village is in.

 

  Our current forward/backward motion, though, is in trying to follow God where he is leading us in this crazy journey.  The steps backward are due to us taking too many steps forward at a time – trying to walk in front of God doesn’t seem to be a great idea.

 

  Really it’s just my human nature wanting to have it all planned.  Wanting to have it all laid out like a map that already has the trail marked.  It’s funny how walking by faith doesn’t generally work like that.  God is the lamp unto our feet – not necessarily the streetlights to our highway – and feet move much more slowly than cars.

 

  Currently we are running into this minor issue called selling a house.  Lots of us have been there – you’re gung hoe and ready to  move where God might take you and then find out that, well, you probably paid a little too much for that house you call home.  We are right there (due to the circumstance, it was worth every penny!), and we’re trying to figure out what we need to do to said house to get what we need out of it.  You know, cause it’s hard to move to Africa when you still have a mortgage.

*Update:  after some more research, it looks like getting what we need out of the house isn’t crazy.  Yeah!

 

  Of course to God these are small issues.  Not in an insensitive, get over it kind of way.  In a ‘I’m the creator of the universe, I can handle things like selling houses’ kind of way.  I just need to let go and know that even the bumps in this path are in fact part of the path.

 

  Some of the ways that we will be serving Samaritan Village, we can do from here.  The organizational, how things flow, best practices kind of stuff.  It is also abundantly clear that they need a couple of people from here to go do a lot of work from Tanzania as well.  It’s difficult to see that need and know that we might not be able to go right now – that God may have us wait a bit.

  So, maybe we’ll end up working for Samaritan Village for a while from the States until God says it’s time to go, or maybe things will work out one bump at a time and we will end up leaving sooner than later. 

  Either way, as long as we are serving Him in the way that He wants us to, we need to be good with that.

 

Of course, it naturally raises all kinds of questions.  Do we continue to foster in the meantime?  How aggressive of a timeline do we shoot for?  Should we even have a timeline?  Oh, and, why can’t I stop planning???

I feel a tap on my shoulder.  “Maggie, I am the lamp unto your feet.  I am the light to your path.”

 

  Right now, one of the keys for me is to see His purpose and His hand in all of this.  These trials that we face en route are just as much a part of where He has us as reaching the perceived ‘end’ will be.  This is not all about the end, but also about allowing Him to grow us in the journey as he lights one footstep at a time.

 

 

Psalm 46:10

             Stop striving and know that I am God.

Endings and Beginnings.

  We’ve officially told our family worker that we won’t be renewing our foster care license this year.  We also can’t take any long term placements from here on – only the occasional respite.

  Part of me is very sad.

I am so passionate about fostering and advocating for it (which I will continue to do!).

I will miss having the opportunity to welcome kids who need a temporary place to call home. 

I will miss falling in love with them.

I will miss working with our agency.  (I’m not kidding – we’ve loved our agency!)

I’ll miss the excitement of meeting a new little one who’s life we hope to impact, and who will most definitely impact ours.

 

But with the end of one journey is the beginning of another.

 

  I am filled with joy at the journey God has us on.  I am filled with excitement, nervousness, and wonder.  I am excited to meet a new challenge.  I am excited to see what God will do.  I am excited to continue to rely on Him through every new twist and turn.

I am so excited to meet 27 (or more by the time we get there!) new faces.

New little ones that will look to us to help maintain what they call home. 

Children I will most certainly fall in love with. 

A whole new team of people to work with and serve God with. 

Always hoping to be able to take in another little one who’s life we hope to impact, and who will most definitely impact ours.

 

 

I think fostering will likely something we do again in the future.  But I guess we will see.  For now we will say goodbye with sadness, and hello with expectant joy.