Things have been a bit quiet here at the blog as of late.
Not so much in real life. Which is why I’ve been so silent. I have had about 500 things I would have liked to blog about. But I was probably cleaning up vomit.
Life has bewildered me lately. I can think of no better word than weary to describe the state of my soul two days ago.
For some reason, I began to let all of the ups and downs, ins and outs (of partially digested food, that is), and free-falls of Bella’s case to wear me out. I think I began to allow them to wear me out much earlier than I would like to admit, and it all just piled up in my soul, just leaving me feeling incapable of dealing with it.
It was a mixture of the puke, the lice (again, and again), the increase, decrease, and sometimes cancellation of visits, the treatments and appointments for Bella’s disease, the searing pain that I see ravaging my little girl’s heart, and all of the behaviors that go along with said pain (which have only increased.). And the puke. Did I already mention that? The puke?
I was not in a good place. I was struggling with blaming Bella for behaviors, feelings, and vomit that were not her fault.
But, the Lord give rest to the weary. (amen!)
And it came to this Mama through a wonderful, blessed little think we around here like to call R.E.S.P.I.T.E. (sung to the tune of Respect, of course.) Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, Bella is spending the day with another foster mom I know (Brian takes her in the morning and picks her up on his way home.). We knew that spending the night away would be traumatic for her, so this was our compromise. Now it’s just like she gets to go play at a friend’s house for the day.
Can I tell you that I feel like a whole new person today from two days ago? I just needed a little mental reprieve. A chance to reframe my thoughts. A chance to relax (now you know I was wound when I say taking care of a two year old and a one year old is relaxing). And a chance to go somewhere without fear that my backseat would be covered in vomit! The freedom!
Already I am better able to love Bella, and able to remind myself just why I love her so much!
I’ve actually gotten to spend time in prayer today and be reminded that my King is the King of redemption, unyielding love, and infinite strength! The same God who shut the mouths of the lions and took down Goliath will not leave me alone to fight in my own strength. He will armor my heart with love and grace.
I’ve also gotten to spend some good, not stressed out, special time with Sylvia and Naomi which has been wonderful. wonderful.
I’m not usually a big respite advocate. Mostly because I’ve seen it used in hurtful ways. But I am seriously considering doing a day of daytime respite once every couple of weeks. It helps me to be a better Mama.
That is all. Off to actually get some cleaning done that is not the mopping of puke.