Things have been a bit quiet here at the blog as of late.
Not so much in real life. Which is why I’ve been so silent. I have had about 500 things I would have liked to blog about. But I was probably cleaning up vomit.
Life has bewildered me lately. I can think of no better word than weary to describe the state of my soul two days ago.
For some reason, I began to let all of the ups and downs, ins and outs (of partially digested food, that is), and free-falls of Bella’s case to wear me out. I think I began to allow them to wear me out much earlier than I would like to admit, and it all just piled up in my soul, just leaving me feeling incapable of dealing with it.
It was a mixture of the puke, the lice (again, and again), the increase, decrease, and sometimes cancellation of visits, the treatments and appointments for Bella’s disease, the searing pain that I see ravaging my little girl’s heart, and all of the behaviors that go along with said pain (which have only increased.). And the puke. Did I already mention that? The puke?
Weary.
I was not in a good place. I was struggling with blaming Bella for behaviors, feelings, and vomit that were not her fault.
But, the Lord give rest to the weary. (amen!)
And it came to this Mama through a wonderful, blessed little think we around here like to call R.E.S.P.I.T.E. (sung to the tune of Respect, of course.) Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, Bella is spending the day with another foster mom I know (Brian takes her in the morning and picks her up on his way home.). We knew that spending the night away would be traumatic for her, so this was our compromise. Now it’s just like she gets to go play at a friend’s house for the day.
Can I tell you that I feel like a whole new person today from two days ago? I just needed a little mental reprieve. A chance to reframe my thoughts. A chance to relax (now you know I was wound when I say taking care of a two year old and a one year old is relaxing). And a chance to go somewhere without fear that my backseat would be covered in vomit! The freedom!
Already I am better able to love Bella, and able to remind myself just why I love her so much!
I’ve actually gotten to spend time in prayer today and be reminded that my King is the King of redemption, unyielding love, and infinite strength! The same God who shut the mouths of the lions and took down Goliath will not leave me alone to fight in my own strength. He will armor my heart with love and grace.
I’ve also gotten to spend some good, not stressed out, special time with Sylvia and Naomi which has been wonderful. wonderful.
I’m not usually a big respite advocate. Mostly because I’ve seen it used in hurtful ways. But I am seriously considering doing a day of daytime respite once every couple of weeks. It helps me to be a better Mama.
That is all. Off to actually get some cleaning done that is not the mopping of puke.
I've got my kids signed up for a day care that takes drop-ins. I absolutely HATE using it as the daycare is rather sub-standard. They don't play enough. They treat it like a horrible preschool. And my littlest one freaks out every single time I have to send him.
ReplyDeleteHowever, on a day when I've got an appointment (ie: doctor for me, court for my other foster daughter, etc.) I've been known to go ahead and leave the little cherubs all day long. I figure...I'm already spending the money. They're already freaked out whether I leave them for 2 hours or 7. So I might as well take advantage of a little relaxation for me.
I'm glad you found a solution that will help you continue to bear the frustration that is foster care.
YES! I'm so happy for you, we SO need to remember to take care of US so that we can take care of THEM! It's so hard to not feel guilty about it, I know...but once we get to that logical place, we need to be sure to use logic instead of emotion more often:)
ReplyDeleteWe have only used respite twice in the (almost) year that we have had the kids. Both times I felt guilty leaving them, both times I was not ready to pick them up when it was time and wished it was longer. You gotta get a break from the insanity.
ReplyDeleteWe have only used respite twice in the (almost) year that we have had the kids. Both times I felt guilty leaving them, both times I was not ready to pick them up when it was time and wished it was longer. You gotta get a break from the insanity.
ReplyDeleteHooray for respite! Glad you are taking time to look after yourself, you'll be a better mama to all your girls because of it.
ReplyDeleteI'd been doing some thinking - if you can't get in touch with Make A Wish contact Give Kids the World. Look them up online. They have an entire village with activities for kids like Bella. She would still do Disney too!!!
ReplyDeleteI was thinking - if you still haven't heard from Make A Wish - contact Give Kids The World. Look them up. They do amazing work.
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