Moving.

 

So, as is typical, we have to keep things interesting around here.  We wouldn’t want to go more than six months or so without a major life change – that would be so, you know, normal.

We are moving.  This Saturday.  To be clear: all seven of us are going.

We’ve known for a long time that long term we wanted to be closer to family.  Currently we travel about two weekends out of every six so that our kids get to see all of their grandparents frequently.  We want our kids growing up really knowing their grandparents, so we made it a priority.  Well, Brian finally got a job offer near my hometown, and so we’re going.  We’ll live very near my parents, and it will make traveling to see Brian’s parents much easier and more frequent!”"
We’ve planned this for so long – it was always a future thing – always something we planned for, never something we did.  Well, now we’re doing it.  And it’s so much harder than we anticipated.

God placed us here seven years ago – newlyweds with no kids.  (Yes. Seven short years ago we had no children.  Now we have five.)

In those seven years he has worked in our lives in ways we couldn’t have imagined.  Not only has he blessed us with our children, but he has shown us more grace than we could have asked for.  And as the conductor for the grace he has shown us, he has used the people he has surrounded us with.

Truly we have developed a community here such that it feels like a family.  Through everything we have been through, both good and bad (and there has been a lot…of both) he has brought up around us a chorus of grace as we have watched him intertwine our lives and the lives of others.  We have, quite literally, seen an Acts church lift us, carry us, and sharpen us as iron sharpens iron through valleys and celebrations.

I could not be more grateful for the time he has given us here, and for the people he has given us to love and be loved by.

 

All that to say, it is difficult going.

 

However, God’s grace and his faithfulness is not dependent on our location, and we are also looking forward to seeing how he will choose to use us somewhere else.  We are looking forward to living near family, we are looking forward to where he takes us from here, we are looking forward to visits from our dear friends from here (ahem.). 

 

More on the logistics…

Brian interviewed (for three months) and was (finally) offered a job at the Build a Bear Workshop Corporate Headquarters!  I know, right?  How could there be a more fitting job for a guy with five little girls, eh?  And his offer letter?  ….it came like this:

 

Yes.  Really.

 

On the adoption – no, it’s not been finalized.  We pursued this job opportunity because as recently as September they told us it would be finalized in December.  But, clearly that didn’t happen.  Actually, as of the new year they hadn’t even sent someone to our house to do our homestudy.  So.
We are moving with the girls as a pre-adoptive placement, and they will complete the adoption via ICPC.  It might take a little longer that way – but then again, at the pace they were moving anyway, maybe not.

 

SO.  Lots of change here.  I need to go so that I can pack.  Here’s to moving and trying to sell a house with five children ages six and under.  Prayers appreciated.

Positive Transition?

In our time in foster care, I had come to believe that the term ‘positive transition’ was a bit of an oxymoron.  ….But maybe not always?

 

Tootaw has been with us since Saturday.

And so far so good!

Although those who say that adding children to your family after you have three is of no consequence?  I say ppppssshhhhh, you are full of it!  Of course, I guess most people who add a fourth child, add a very little baby whose siblings are probably more than three years different in age.  But still.

 

 

Instantly having two year old twins, along with a five year old and a one year old, definitely makes you reconsider what kind of outings are actually in the realm of possibility.  That, or it just makes you completely reconsider your expectations for said outings. 

Although I’ve already been to two doctors appointments with all the children, and they weren’t the most chaotic experiences of my life, just close.

 

 

 

Mostly, so far, I am filled with joy through this transition.  It feels completely like where our family needs to be, and I love it. 

I have rarely experienced greater joy than I do watching my daughters playing well together, caring for each other, and looking out for each other.

Tootaw and Sylvia seem to be naturals at this sister thing, and they are doing so well together.  It is such a blessing, as I am fully aware that it could have been completely different.  Naomi is figuring out what playing with her sisters is all about, and for the most part her older sisters are obliging.

 

 

 

 

I can’t describe it, really, only to say that adding Tootaw to our family seems almost to have evened us out or changed the dynamic here in a totally unexpected way.  I’m sure in large part this is Bella being more at peace with her sister here, and also Sylvia having a perfect playmate all the time.

I’m also sure that we will run into more bumps along the way.

But for now it’s going really well.  You know, outside of that whole adjusting to having 4 under 5 thing…

3.5 + 1 = 4.5

= Chaos!!!

 

Tootaw is officially moving in with us on Saturday.  Our foster agency has a retreat all day Saturday for it’s foster parents, and so we will pick her up from there (which doesn’t seem like the best possible transition plan, but hey, no one asked me.).

 

We spent most of last weekend getting Bella’s room ready to share with Tootaw – read: we ended up completely redoing her room.  It looks very cute, and we are excited for the girls to have a room that actually looks put together. 

I’ve been cleaning and organizing in the 5 minutes I have each day in my body’s effort to nest before this transition.

 

 

I’ve also been soaking up this week with just Sylvie and Naomi home, since Bella started Kindergarten last week.  We’ve gone to the Children’s Farmstead, the nature center, the park, a kids concert, the children’s museum, read lots of books, played lots of make-believe, and had lots of snuggle time.  I have absolutely loved having a little bit of special time to spend really taking in my two youngest baby girls.

Sylvia, on the other hand, will be very excited and ready for Tootaw to get here.  Not that she hasn’t had fun with Mommy this week – she has – but she’s used to having a playmate home with her, and she has missed Bella while she’s at school.  I think she’ll be happy to have another sister to play with all day.

 

So, all that to say, I’m not really sure how to be “ready” to add another daughter to your household, magically turning your two year old into twins.  Of course, that is the story of fostering.  But, God has always provided for us in our obedience to Him, and he will continue to do so, I can say with confidence. 

 

…..Here we go!  (prayers appreciated.)

Deep breath, neigh, neigh, neigh.

  Bella left for her visit yesterday……again.

I haven’t gotten to post, but she was supposed to go home (like, HOME.  permanently.) on March 1 – obviously that didn’t happen.

We had heard rumors that they were thinking about pushing the date back a little, but no one had talked to us about it.  No big deal.  She only lives with us.  Why would we want to know when she’s moving anyway?

As I’m constantly reminded  -  We are just the foster parents.

So, a week before she was supposed to go home Brian called the caseworker to get an idea of what was going on.  “Oh, I thought we had this conversation.”  was how it started.

 

They’ve pushed the move back to the beginning of May-ish.

This is frustrating to me for a couple reasons.

1. She’s been having visits at home Wednesday through Sunday for three months now.  THREE MONTHS.  She comes back to our house on Sunday evening, and leaves Wednesday afternoon.  Talk about jerking her around.  I’m just confused, if she can be at home for 4 1/2 days a week for three months, why is she not home?
2. I’m sure there are things they aren’t telling me.  After all, we’re just the foster parents.  But nothing that I’ve heard sounds like a safety issue to me.  Of course, there are risk factors.  There always are.  It just doesn’t sound, to me, like there is anything worth dragging her around for.

 

I appreciate that they’re being careful.  Goodness knows we’ve seen the repercussions of sending kids home too early.  But this seems extreme.  When Bella goes home it will be on a thirty-day trial home placement, and after that they will have in home services for three months.  That’s four months of making sure things are going well, which makes me feel like another two months of back and forth is a little much.

I guess mostly I just see how much this is all effecting her.  When all is said and done (assuming they don’t extend it again.) she will have had SIX months of visits Wednesday through Sunday.  I want it to be over for her.  Of the last six days she’s been with us, she’s thrown up four of them over anxiety and stress.  This is not healthy for her.

The good news though, is that Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, Bella didn’t throw up!  I’ve tried different relaxation techniques to help her overcome the anxiety and keep her lunch.  This week we did deep breathing, in through our noses, and then when we let it out we made animal noises.  I know it sounds silly, but she thinks it’s hilarious and it distracts her from her anxiety.  Although it probably raises the anxiety level of people who are driving next to me and see the crazy lady in the next car taking deep breaths and neighing.  Whatevs.

 

In through your nose, now neigh, neigh, neigh.

Caseplan.

Bella's case plan meeting was two and a half weeks ago - I just suck at getting updates posted in any timely manner.

I think it has something to do with the children who have, in the last 24 hours, squeezed all of my lotion out onto the floor and practically bathed in it, covered the kitchen floor in thousands of tiny pieces of paper bag confetti, and opened every card game that we own and mixed all of the cards together into one big mixed up pile - all in the name of having fun.

The case plan meeting went very well.

Dad is still very motivated and doing everything he is asked. Mom (more recently) has really gotten on board and is seeming much more excited to get the girls home.

The plan is to officially, 100% transition Bella home at the very beginning of March. Her next court date is March 1, and they will move her in the days following. Between now and then, they will continue to do weekend visits and possibly start extending them into the week.

They've done a very thorough job at planning this transition. They have slowly increased visits, and will continue to do so, while monitoring how things are going. They have put family therapy in place that will help the family with nutrition and family interaction. And after Bella transitions home, they will continue to monitor how everything is going in the home for three months. I have to say, I am impressed. This is the best we've seen the system work thus far.

It is also helpful that we have had the opportunity to develop a good relationship with Bella's parents. I see them at every doctor's appointment, which is very frequent. They also call every night to talk to Bella, which keeps communication open between us. Bella's Dad has always been very excited to tell us about his progress, and we've been happy to provide support and encouragement along the way.

The only thing that concerns me is the emotional toll it is taking on Bella to go back and forth between our house and her parent's house. Every weekend she goes there for 2-3 days (soon to be more) and then has to leave again and come back to our house. It has been extraordinarily difficult for her to process.

In her attempt to process the back and forth, trauma related behaviors have snuck up and attacked. Huge, long, irrational tantrums are our norm these days. We've also seen a lot more defiance and disrespect. We've also seen a handful of behaviors tossed in that, "I get to do at my Mom and Dad's house." Pleasant things like spitting at us when she gets an unfavorable answer. It breaks my heart to see all of it. It isn't her, it's her pain. She's like a completely different child.

I'm just concerned because she will continue to be put through the proverbial wringer for another two months before she can finally find a resting place and consistency. I'm not sure there is a better answer though.

 

Anyway, we are officially transitioning her home.

Random. Very.

My thoughts are completely scrambled right now.  Perfect time to write a blog post, yeah?  Stream of consciousness…..GO:

 

  We are steadily working toward Africa, and working with Samaritan Village from here as we go.  Right now this mostly looks like getting our house ready to sell and trying to get it on the market for some short period of time before the baby gets here.  After that I figure it will be  a couple months (or years.  seriously.)  before I can keep the house remotely clean enough for showings.

  We’re having a bathroom put in – which became an obviously mandatory step in selling our house.  It should be done mid-March and then we’ll list the house for a month or so.  We’ll call our agent when I go into labor to let him know to pull the house.  Not really – we’ll pull it before then, but every second counts, right?

  So we are moving steadily.  Slowly, but steadily.  Which is a good thing.  Have I mentioned that God has given me the heart of a doer?  When I’m passionate about something, I have enough get up and go to force a freight train into motion.  God is teaching me about waiting and patience.  This is a good lesson for me.

 

 

  It’s very easy for me to get discouraged and down (i.e. overly emotional) when we run into speed bumps with Samaritan Village.  It actually just occurred to me that it could have something to do with pregnancy hormones.  I like to act like they don’t exist, but evidence definitely leans to the contrary.  Post pregnancy I get reallly whacked out on hormones, so it’s not likely to get better any time soon.  Of course post pregnancy I’m a much more ‘random happy tears’ version of myself – which usually can only be a good thing.

  God is teaching me a lot about the difference between finding my peace in my emotions vs. finding my peace in Him.  He’s much more stable.  Definitely the way to go.

 

  God has been faithful to continue to smooth said speed bumps and open doors for our work with Samaritan Village.  Brian is working diligently right now on the organization’s structure to prepare if for growth and better efficiency.  He insists I’m needed in this – something about balancing him out – but he has a great business mind (bragging on my husband.  that’s allowed.)  and right now I’m mostly just cheering him on.  I feel like I will be of most use once we get to Africa.

  Which is another thing God is teaching me.  I am a micro-level person.  I am very hands on.  I am a social worker through and through.  I cannot wait to get to Arusha and wrap my arms around those kiddos.

 

  God is teaching me so much through this journey.  SO much.  Unfortunately I have baby brain to the max, and I cannot verbalize or put into text anything that flows for more than two paragraphs.  I’ll try to do a better job in the future though.  Till then, God is good.  All the time.

How we got here.

Errrrr, how did we get here?
Well, let's see, I guess we should go back to somewhere around one year ago right now.

Coincidence 1:
Brian was joining me in my hometown via train.  When he got in, his ride was running a little bit late, as was the ride of the woman waiting next to him.  In completely typical Brian fashion, he easily struck up a conversation, and after some small talk, come to find out, Mrs. M (I don't have permission to share her name on the blog.) is the president of the board of directors for a small not for profit.  As you could guess, the not for profit was named Samaritan Village, responsible for an orphanage in Tanzania, Africa. 
Before leaving the station, Brian asked what needs Samaritan Village had, to see if there was any way he could help.  At the time they needed help developing a website (which Brian thoroughly enjoys doing), and so he got her contact information just in case he was able to help.  After we discussed it, we decided that we didn't really have the resources to help in that way at the time.  So, we never called Mrs. M, and never really thought about Samaritan Village again.

Fast forward to just a couple of months ago.

Coincidence 2:
  It was becoming clear to Brian and I that God was getting us ready for a transition.  Brian's job is going to be coming to a natural end point sometime early to mid 2011.  We also had not received any calls for foster placements that we could take in 3 months+.  (For the other foster parents that read, you know how crazy that is.  A house licensed for four kids, sitting open for months at a time?  Doesn't happen.)  We had been planning, since moving here, to eventually move back toward my hometown.  
  So, we took advantage of the upcoming transition opportunity, and started planning for moving to my hometown.  (Started getting the house ready to sell, looking at houses there, planning for birth of baby #2 both here and there, etc.)

Coincidence 3:
  Simultaneously, God was planting a burden in my heart that I could not shake.  Through many, many avenues including, but not limited to:
-This blog - a family that up and moved to Haiti, blogging their experience.  It is incredible.  Seriously.  Read  it.
-This blog - a girl not much older than myself who moved to Africa at age 19, and has 13 children that she takes care of while also running an incredible ministry.  Incredible.  Incredible.
-More recently this sermon series has been wrecking us.  I seriously recommend listening.  But you've been warned.  I mean it is wrecking us.
-This post

...I think you get the idea.  Everywhere I looked I was bombarded.  And it hasn't stopped.  It got to the point that I was praying, 'God, I get it, I get this burden you're giving me.  But what do I do with it??  If there is nothing I can do, please take it away.'  But he didn't.
This was about the time of this post and this one.

Because of all this burden, about three weeks before we found out about the overseas opportunity, I actually asked Brian over lunch one day, "Bri, have you ever thought about if God asked us to move overseas?"  To which he promptly replied, "No."  To be honest, I was relieved, there was my answer - U.S.A. home sweet home!
But then he kept bringing it up.

Coincidence 4:
  While we were preparing to move to my hometown, we had several conversations that were all pretty similar.  We wanted to make sure that we were not so focused on moving where we wanted to move, that if God had something different for us, we ignored it.
  But, every convo ended the same way.  If God has something else for us, he'll show us, the end.

Coincidence 5:  (When we realized they weren't coincidences at all.)
  Do you remember Mrs. M?  Well several weeks ago, Brian could not get her off his heart.  He couldn't even remember her name, but God had placed her on his heart, and she was there to stay.  After a couple of days Brian looked at me and said, "Maggie, I have to call her.  We really need to call her."  He describes it as - as sure as he was that the sun would be up tomorrow, he was sure he needed to call her.  We got home, and he got out his journal and looked up her contact info, and I was all, "Oh, you mean you're going to call her right now?"
So he called her.
The conversation was exactly what you would expect.  'We just wanted to call to see how things are going with Samaritan Village and what the organization is doing.'  Mrs. M filled Brian in on how they are fundraising to drill a well so that they can really begin work on the second orphanage and how they are adding on to the first orphanage to make room for more babies.  All the while, running through my mind is 'phew.  This doesn't sound so much like something God is calling us to - this must not be what he's been preparing me for.'  Toward the end of the conversation Brian asked what service opportunities there are and how we might help Samaritan Village.

That's when God began to chuckle.

Mrs. M said, "You know, we've been praying that God would send us someone to go to Tanzania who has some administrative experience and who knows a little about the construction industry...."  She continued to describe the skills that they had been praying for, it was as if she were describing Brian himself.  (I'm in the background shaking my head thinking, "Oh no, God, oh no - I knew this was coming!")


 Moral of the story? (If anyone is even still reading at this point! Ha!)  There is no such thing as a coincidence.


So we've been praying about it, talking with people much smarter than ourselves, and trying to map out what this would mean for us.  And we haven't felt anything but confirmation that we should go (amid rampant bouts of fear and doubt). 
Not that we haven't talked to a few people who think we're totally insane - we have.  But God isn't backing off on this one, it seems - and we feel so blessed to be in this place, with this opportunity, with God giving such blatant purpose to our burden.

So...
  Brian is going to Arusha, Tanzania in December to check it all out. 
When he gets back, unless God points us in another direction, we will begin raising support and trying to make a plan out of all of this craziness!


God is good.  All the time.

Sudden changes.

Jae left last night.

Sudden, right?  Yeah, I know.

 

This week there have been about 20 different changes in the plan regarding the boys.  I’m pretty sure I’m not even exaggerating.  We were told he was leaving Friday, and then we were told he could stay with us up until the end of our upcoming vacation, then he couldn’t, then he was going to be with us for a couple more months while they got Zee stabilized…you get the picture.

Then Thursday night at 7:30 we got a call letting us know that the powers that be did not approve the plan for him to stay with us for a while, and that they wanted to move him the next day.  Friday morning I got a call saying they’d be here at 4:30 to pick him up.  So I got busy packing.

 

We are missing them.  It’s so quiet.

We gave them our address and phone number so that they can call us if they want to.  We’re going to get their new address and mail them things every so often.  I think that keeping some form of contact after a move generally helps kids out.

 

There is also a certain level of relief.  Relief from the unknown and decisions that are overwhelmingly draped with repercussions.  It’s a lot to carry, and I’d be lying if I didn’t say that this morning when I woke up I felt a certain level of release. 

 

But I feel like we did everything that we could for the boys.  In the end it was out of our hands.  We will continue to do everything we can to let them know that we love them and to support them.  Yesterday, in the midst of changes to the case plan that we had no control over, I was talking to our family worker, and she reminded me that this is our job.  We do what we can, we try our very hardest, we give our all, and when the children move on we have to accept it and do the same.  Because, she reminded me, there will be more children who need our help, who are hurting, who will come so that we can help each other through this hard life.

We are leaving for vacation soon – which is really very good timing.  It forces us to take a hiatus from fostering (short, but a break none the less).  We cannot take any children before we leave, so it won’t be until we return that we can start taking phone calls, and we may choose to wait even a bit longer.  It will be time of renewal and rejuvenation that our home is in sore need of.  Thank God for parents who take us on vacation with them (can I get an amen?) (Thanks Mom and Dad!) (I really have the best parents in the universe.)!!!!!!

 

So today we’ve been relaxing.  I’ve done some sewing {=therapeutic outlet.} and some reading.  We’ve hung out and loved on our Sylvie girl.  Brian and I actually had time to talk (gasp!), spend time together (incredulous!), and we did no housework (I guess not so uncommon…).  It is a bitter sweet relief. 

We miss the boys – the worst will be tomorrow when we dismantle their room.  Countless times today I have turned to tell one of them something.  I received paperwork today to register them for school.  And we keep finding socks and legos in every nook and cranny.

But I also recognize this time as a time of rest.  A blessing.  Refreshment like cold water running down a parched throat or a nap in the middle of exhaustion.  The Lord knows what we need.

nausea.

The last couple of days I’ve really been feeling pretty buried by all the hurt.

The hurt of Jae in all of this, the hurt of Zee causing his physical aggression, the hurt of them being temporarily separated, the hurt of not having Zee here, the hurt of the boys’ fear of the future, the hurt of knowing Jae will be leaving, the hurt of the unknown.

The hurt of feeling so helpless.  I just want to make it better.  There is a clawing at my heart that makes me feel physically ill.

I was wracking my brain all day yesterday trying to come up with some service to implement, some intervention that would help Zee’s physical aggression.  Something that would make it possible for him to stay here.  That would ensure that his physical aggression would not get even worse.

And I just keep coming back to the same thing -

It’s just not safe.  It is not safe for him to be here while he is struggling with the physical aggression that has brought us to this hard place.  I don’t feel that it would be safe for me to be home alone with him and Sylvia when he was really angry.  And I think it is going to escalate.

 

They’ve found a home that is only 30 minutes away from their hometown, where their siblings are placed.  I don’t think that they will try to put them all four together for the time being – it’s just asking for disruption.  The boys will go for a pre-placement visit Friday through Saturday, and if it goes well, will probably move next week.

We’ve always said that we wouldn’t ask a child to leave our home unless it wasn’t safe for them to be there.  We know the effects that disruption has on kids – so we decided that we wouldn’t do it unless there were really no choice.  I just never really thought we’d get there  - where there was no choice, where it wasn’t safe.

 

Please pray for the boys.  Pray for their angry hearts.  Pray for their healing.  Pray for their caseworker (whew, that’s almost hard for me to type.  terrible of me.). 

Pray for their parents.  Maybe a miraculous turnaround – cause goodness knows that if it is safe – we pray that they go home.

Hard, hard decisions.

So tired of the serious posts.  But that’s been life lately.  Back to our normal program soon.    {Pause}    Did I just say normal, oh, I’m sorry.  I didn’t mean to confuse anyone by making them think that anything is ever normal around here.  You know, just less “writing about things that make you say, ‘foster care? me? Why in the world would I do that?’”

 

Brian and I have made a decision regarding the kids.

We’ve decided that we should not take the boys’ siblings.  I can not tell you how much thought and prayer went into this decision.  And we really feel at peace with it, now that we’ve decided.

Both of us wanted to take them so badly.  It was our natural inclination to immediately say, “Of course!  Why not?  We’d LOVE to.”  We tried to consider all the variables – and when we were done, we considered all of them again.  Really it just came down to one simple fact:

We weren’t sure that with four children who were very high need, and one under the age of 1 year, that we could really, fully provide everything that all five of them needs.  Primarily in the stage of life that we are currently in.

 

There were so many ‘if’s’.  If we lived near our family who would provide support.  If we knew how the kids do when they live together.  If we thought it was shorter term.  If we knew the boys’ behaviors would ever really improve.  If, if, if.

We struggled with whether or not these questions were just our lack of trust that God would provide, and we came to a couple of conclusions:

He has not given us a peace about adopting these children, even though we have literally begged for it.  We do know that he has called us to foster – which we would have to stop doing if we were to adopt right now – and we don’t feel like fostering is something He is asking us to stop doing.  He has given us hearts for adoption, and I am confident that at some point we will do just that, but not now.  Saying yes to taking the kids would have been the easier decision for us (I know, that sounds insane.  I never claimed we were sane.).  This is such a hard decision, but because it was so hard and we still feel that it is necessary, and we feel peace about it, tells me that it is the right decision regardless.

 

I’m not sure that any of that made sense.  If not, I’ll work on my next post being coherent.

 

We made a couple of suggestions to the caseworker.  *(Joke, right?  Cause who ever listens to the foster parents?  ….I digress.)*  We said, “What’s the huge rush?  Why don’t you give it six months to see if you just happen to find a family looking to adopt four kids?  If not, then move them somewhere else together, but if so, then it is only one more move for the kids instead of two.”

The caseworker responded, “thank you for your thoughtful consideration and your honesty, but we would really like to move the kids as soon as possible.”  I can see where she’s coming from.  But kind of not.

So the boys will be moving sooner than later.  And it makes me want to vomit.

If you are in the habit of praying for our boys, please pray for their hearts.  Pray for their future.  Pray for their caseworker.  Pray for the family they will go to.

 

*I should say, that before you think I’m all anti-caseworker, that I was a caseworker prior to fostering.  Some of them are great, and try really hard.  I should also say, that while we’ve had some bad experiences with our kids’ caseworkers – OUR caseworker (the one that works with us, the foster families) is fabulous.  She is supportive and helpful and we love her.  So don’t go getting scared off from fostering because of my caseworker talk.*

Where We’re At.

We are here:

• Still praying over and discussing the possibility of the boys’ siblings moving in.  Trying to consider all of the factors, which would be a whole different post.
• If we decide that we do not feel we can take their siblings, the caseworker wants to look for another home, closer to where the boys are from, that can take all four kids.
• If we cannot take their siblings, they want to move the boys before the beginning of the school year.
• If we do take their siblings, we are, in essence, adopting them. (Hence this being such a huge decision.)  Unless by some chance they quickly find an adoptive home for an older sibling set of four (unlikely) then they would be with us for a long time.  If they are with us for a long time – adoption just makes sense.
• We feel like we could do it.  We just aren’t sure it is best for all of the kids.
• Maybe I will try to write a post explaining our thinking and reasoning thus far.  But it would take forever, and I’m not sure it would make any sense to anyone but me, so we’ll see.

 

All of this brings me to tears. 

Contrary to what one may think, deciding that we will take their siblings would be the easier choice for us to make.  We don’t want the boys to have to move, we want them all to be together, we want to be able to serve them in every way possible.  It would be much, much harder for us to decide that we cannot do it – but we also want to be responsible in this decision – and in the end it may not be best.

 

Prayers for discernment and for the kids’ hearts is so appreciated.  I wish all this were easier.

Why Foster?

 

Get Involved/

Good Info to Have.

A Walk in Their Shoes.

 

A few months ago I completed a training to be certified as a teacher for licensing classes. (To train people to be foster parents.)  During the classes, one of the exercises that we do is an ‘imaginary journey.’  The purpose is to help the potential foster parents to start to understand the emotions that the children coming to their home may be experiencing.  I think this is a good exercise for potential foster parents, as well as a good refresher for people currently fostering.  I realize this is long.  But if you have time, read through it.

Anyway, normally I would tell you to relax and close your eyes as I read this to you, and for you to pay particular attention to the emotions you experience.  But since you have to read it – just try to imagine the journey in your mind’s eye.

 

 

All of us have a place that we call home.  A place that, hopefully, makes us feel secure, is familiar, and even though it isn’t always perfect, it is what we know.  Picture the place that you call home.  Picture the people that live in your home with you, or spend a lot of time in your home.  Maybe your spouse.  Maybe your children.  Maybe close friends or extended family.  Picture any pets that you have.  Your dog, your cat, your fish.  Perhaps there is a particular place in your home that is especially comfortable or inviting.  A place that you can relax, a place you like to snuggle up in, a place that has a lot of sentimental value.  Picture that special place.  Picture those special possessions that make your home uniquely yours.  Smell the aromas of your home – perhaps the lingering smells of your favorite foods, or a loved one’s perfume.  Listen to sounds you often hear in your home.  The ticking of a clock, the notes of music.  The sound of television.  The sound of children.  Hear the voices of the people in your home.

Now that you have your home and people and things clearly in your mind, I need to tell you who I am and what I do.  I am a person with many responsibilities and much authority.  My job is to move people.  I move people to live in new homes, to live with new people.  That is what I will be doing with your right now.  I am going to move you to a new home, to a new family.  In the new home will be new people who have been waiting for someone like you for a long time.  There are children who want to call you mom or dad.

 

How does this make you feel?

 

Now, picture me at your front door.  Knock.  Knock.  Knock.

We do not have a lot of time.  We do not have a lot of space.  So you will need to quickly pack up only a few things that you really need.  Only enough to fill a cardboard box, or a small trash bag.  Look around your home.  What will you pack?  You are only allowed to bring things, no people, children, or pets.  The new family does not have room for pets. 

 

So what are you packing?

 

Now we need to leave.  Sorry there hasn’t been more notice, but there isn’t time – it’s been decided that you have to leave.  We walk out your front door and get into my car.  If you want to, you may look back.  Picture your house, with the faces of any people who may be there looking out the window to watch you leave.  We get into the car and begin to leave, but you’re not sure where we are going.  We drive through the area around your home – this all looks familiar to you – but soon we are in a different neighborhood, town, even county, and things are not familiar anymore. 

If you look around you will see that this neighborhood is much nicer than yours.  The homes are all bigger and much more fashionable, and the cars in the driveways are much nicer than any you’ve ever ridden in.  The house where you will live is much nicer than your own.  You will have all the things in your new home that you always wanted but could not afford.

Let me tell you about the family with whom you will be living.  They are so excited to meet you and that you will be living with them.  They have been waiting for a mom or dad to come live with them for so long, and they have lots of plans for what you can do together.  I have told them all about you and they have wanted someone like you for a very long time.  Just think, there is an adult in this home that wants to call you a husband, wife, or partner.  There are children who will call you mom or dad, and they are so excited for you to be a real part of their family. 

 

How are you feeling as we near the house?

Do you have any questions about the family?  Any concerns?  Any reservations?  Yes?  Those are all very good questions.  Unfortunately, I’m so busy moving people that I don’t quite have the time to find out the answers.

 

We drive up in front of the house and pull into the driveway.  You seem tentative to get out, but it’s getting late, and we need to get inside.  We walk up to the front door and knock.  The door opens and there is a family, all smiling and very excited to meet you.  Just look at all the smiling faces. 

 

How do you feel about the people at the door?

How soon do you want to see the family and friends that you left behind?

How do you think your new family will feel about you wanting to see your old family?

How long will it take for you to feel like you fit in with this new family?  Will you ever fit in?  Feel the same way as you did with your old family?

 

 

Despite the fact that you thought you couldn’t ever fit in, or that it would take a long time, you have done so.  The family members have helped you meet your needs and attach to them.  Think about your strengths and coping skills, and using these to live successfully with this new family.  Remember that this family has helped you attach to them by helping you meet your needs.  You have learned to trust them.  It has not been easy, and it has taken time.  In fact, it has been 12 months.

I know that you wanted to see your old family and friends immediately, but I forgot to mention that the only way that could happen is if I arrange it for you.  You cannot have contact other than through me.  And I have been too busy to make arrangements.  So, you have not had a chance to see your people.  In fact, it has been a full 12 months since you came to live with this family and you have not seen your old family.

 

Despite the fact that you have not seen your old family, you have done a wonderful job fitting in.  In fact, you have done such a wonderful job, that I have good news for you.  You get to go home.  We will not have a lot of time or space, but you may pack anything you want to take back home with you.

 

How do you feel about this news?  Are you ready to go home?  Do you want to go home?  Do you want the family that you are living with to want you to go home?  Do you want the family you are living with to help you to go home?  How do you want the new family to feel when you leave?

 

There have undoubtedly been some changes in the year since you left.  What sort of changes do you think have been made?  If you have children, how old are they now?  If you have a spouse, how has that person managed without you?  If you live alone, how are your friends spending their time now?  How do your children feel about you now that you are returning home?

Will your relationships be like they were before you left?  Will there be problems adjusting back in with your old family?  Would you come to me for help with those problems?

 

In just a few minutes of imagining this journey, how are you feeling emotionally?

 

This is why we need good foster parents.  People who can consider these things.  How would the story have been different if you went to a home who was only taking you for the money?  A family who did not try to help you fit in?  A family who could not help you go back home?  It happens.  All the time.

A Surprise Visit.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from X-man’s foster mom to see if we wanted to hang out with him!  Of Course!  I was thrilled.  I was beginning to think we may not actually get to keep in contact with him, so this was more than exciting.  We hadn’t seen him in a month, so I wasn’t sure how it would go – little ones forget more quickly (enter: knife into my heart) and get confused.

We took him to the park.  He really has already grown so much, and he’s looking older.  We played and played, and barbequed burgers for a picnic dinner. 

 

Check out that big boy hair cut – and I believe the fat lip makes him look older too.  Ha!  And that belly!  Can you believe that seven short months ago this child weighed 12 pounds?!?!  

He did seem a little confused at first, which broke my heart.  But as soon as we played a short ice-breaker – throwing grass in each other’s hair – he was his spunky self.

 

 

 

Sylvie decided she wanted to see what X’s shoe tasted like – of course.  Who could pass up all that tasty dirt?

He decided it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

 

Hello?  Who is it?

 

 

We were so excited to see our sweet boy.  I feel so blessed that we get to stay in contact with so many of our kids.  I had forgotten how difficult the first couple of visits are after a move, though.  When X-man left our house one month ago, in his mind, we were his parents.  He was excited to see us when we had been away.  He preferred us to other people.  We knew all the ways to make him laugh.  Only we could make it better when he was sad.

Yesterday when I went to pick him up, I was none of these things.  I was no longer his mamma.  He recognized me, but there was no laughing and running to the door as if to say, “Momma, finally!  You’ve come to pick me up!”  like there always was before. 

I’m happy for him that he is not still so attached.  It would be horrible for him if he was not able to let us go and adjust to his new home.  But it is heart wrenching for me.  I was his mamma.  And now I’m not.  It hurts.  But like I’ve said before, it only hurts because we loved each other well.  I do love this little boy.  I can not wait to see him again.

Good Lovin'

I got a phone call yesterday afternoon letting me know that the court has ordered for X-man to move. I was expecting this - what I wasn't expecting was the IMMEDIATELY that followed up that order. When I asked what immediately meant, my worker, in the nicest possible way let me know that they wanted him moved yesterday evening. My mind really started working, "That's not fair! Brian won't even be able to say goodbye! He's supposed to go out of town with us this weekend! I can't even get his stuff packed up by then! This is not ok!"
After a lot of tears and some superman-strength pulling of strings by our worker, she still said we only had until today (friday) in the afternoon. But then she called a little later and said we could keep him until Sunday evening, so he could go out of town with us. Praise God!
I've been mentally preparing myself for his move - but I was not prepared to say goodbye in under 24 hours.

I will miss him so, so much. This is the worst part of being a foster parent. Saying goodbye. I think no matter how many kids we say goodbye to, it will always hurt. But that is good. It means we loved each other well. Good lovin' makes it hard to say goodbye. I really just have to keep in mind the blessing that it has been for him to be a part of our family for this time. Even with the hurt, I would not trade it for anything. God placed him in our arms for a reason, and he is moving on for a reason. I just pray he remembers our love.

Because we love that sweet boy so much.

More of an update soon. Please pray for his little heart during this transition.