Three Years.

 

  I’ve not blogged in a bit.  Thank you for all of the kind e-mails checking to make sure that we’re all alright and that the adoption is progressing.  We’ve been buried-under-busy since moving in January, but I’d like to get back to posting.

 

  I’ve wanted to start blogging again for a while, but today I felt like I had the proper motivation.  Our sweet Bella has been with us for three years now.  Three years. 

 

Bella,

  I cannot remember life without you.  Although I can remember the day you came to us down to the smallest details – the nausea in my stomach on the way to the hospital, the fear and despair written over every inch of your cancer ravaged little body, the panic that set in when I realized that your illness was much more than the intake worker had implied, the sadness that overtook your being as you realized you were going home with us, strangers.
 
  Yes.  I remember it all.  How is it that I can remember it so well, but simultaneously I cannot remember life without you?  I think it is grace – God had begun to prepare my heart for you before you came – I think I cannot remember life without you because you were there in my heart long before I ever knew it.

 

  We’ve been through the ringer these last three years, eh?  The darkest night of your soul.  Your agony.  Cancer.  Food issues.  Sleep issues.  Rage.  More cancer.  Then pinpricks of light – when I think you began to feel like even though it had been completely taken apart, the puzzle of your life was beginning to come back together – in a different way.
  We are not in the light just yet.  There is still pain, fear, challenges.  But now we work through them together instead of them dividing us.

 

  You, Bella, are my daughter.  I love you.

I am not your first Mama.  I will never, ever be your only Mama.  But God has knitted us together in a way that only adoption can produce – in a way you can only experience by watching God heal brokenness and create family from nothing.

 

  Soon you will be seven.  Before we know it you will be 16.  In the blink of an eye your Daddy will be walking you down the aisle.  And I feel so blessed to get to experience it all with you.

 

  Right now you and your sisters are singing your own rendition of “Let It Go” and we are getting ready to eat dinner which will assuredly be a chaotic, loud, and incredibly messy event.  Yes, event.  I will cherish each minute of it – when you are so helpful with your sisters, when you complain because I put veggies in the sauce, and when your eyes light up because your Daddy decides to make cookies with you tonight. 

  I praise God for you, little one. 

 

Love you, love you, love you,

                    Mama

Popps….postponed.

 

Well, last week, on Thursday to be exact, Bella and Tootaw were supposed to become Popps.  Way back in May at the TPR trial, the judge set a hearing for December 5th stating that should give the agency plenty of time to complete the adoption.  (Especially since TPR had already been handled and they didn’t have to do a best interest staffing.)

But, here we are.

Not only did we not get to finalize the adoption last week, but the agency has not even started our homestudy.  We’re on our third set of caseworkers since July.  In July, the state switched the agency that is carrying the girls case and we’ve been less than impressed and frankly pretty underwhelmed at their competency.

Needless to say, I’m frustrated.  Annoyed.  If I knew who I could be calling (who seemed to care or have any control over the situation), I’d be on the phone.

 

…This is nothing that any of you who have fostered or fostered to adopt don’t understand.  The reality of working as part of a system that is utterly broken.

 

 

BUT…

Someday soon it will be official.

Someday soon we will walk out of a court building holding hands and imagining our forever future together.

Someday soon.  Just postponed.

 

As Bella said to me the other night,

“Mommy, I wonder what it will feel like when we really are here forever?”

I don’t have to wonder long sweet girl.  It will be one of the very best days of my life.

always there.

 

My kids love listening to Adele.  That’s normal for four year olds, right?

The other day, Bella asked me to put on Adele 21.

“Mommy, can you play that song, the remembering song?  The first one?”

Not at all sure what she was talking about, I put the cd in.  I put the cd in and started playing the first track.

“Mommy, this song is like adoption, isn’t it.  I think this song is about adoption.”

The song started, and I was caught off guard.  Immediately tears welled in my eyes.  The kind of hurt sprung in my heart that is so strong your not sure how to hold it in.  The kind of hurt that feels like your heart is about to explode with the rising of confusing pain.  How do I process this feeling in time to turn it around and help my daughter process what must feel even worse – her every day grief.

 

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any sins,
I had no idea of the state we were in,
I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,
But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

 

Adoption is beautiful, and Jesus orchestrates families through it.  But let’s not forget that every adoption begins with loss.  That our children have a grief so deep that as an adult it feels impossible even for me to carry.  There is no adoption without loss.  Let’s meet our children where they are, where they are coming from.  Let’s meet them in their loss, and if we need to, lets dwell there for a bit.

Around.

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve been around here.

I think I just needed a break.  Mostly, I think I just needed to step away long enough as to give myself permission for this not to be a priority.  I was letting it stress me out when I couldn’t stay updated on everything, or when I couldn’t answer every e-mail that came in – so, I’m back-ish, but maybe not as consistently.

I do wholeheartedly appreciate the comments and the e-mails making sure that everything was alright and saying you were still checking just in case.  It really did bless my heart.

So, a very abbreviated update of what is going on around the Popp house:

 

adoption.

  We are working forward on the adoption.  At least that’s what they are telling us.  We had two caseworkers in a row that didn’t do a single. thing. on the adoption while they were on the case.  Essentially we are still at square one, when we were supposed to be finalizing in December.  I’m irked.  Two and a half years.  That’s how long my babies have been in the system.  Let’s get it together DCFS.  Once the adoption is completed there will be no shortage of ‘constructive criticism’ directed toward the agency in charge.  State, consider yourself warned.

 

homeschooling.

  I started homeschooling this year.  I can’t homeschool Bella yet, because in our state you cannot homeschool children that are in the state’s custody.  The plan is for her to start staying home after the adoption.  So, right now I’m doing preschool with Tootaw and Sylvia, with a very eager Naomi at their heels and a very curious Vi pulling everything out of every drawer she can find while we work.  It’s busy, but it is so fun. 

 

extra services.

  Tootaw still has the early childhood special ed teachers coming to the house twice a week – but after coming out to our house for seven months they have basically concluded that they aren’t doing anything that we aren’t already doing at home.  So, I think they’ll be ending services soon – which is actually a little bit of a relief. 
  Homeschooling seems to be the route for Tootaw for sure – we have seen SO MUCH progress just in the last three months.  SO MUCH.  She’s doing great, and as I continue to learn more and more how to cater to her sensory needs it will be even better.  Praise Jesus.  Progress we weren’t sure we’d ever see.

 

empowered to connect.

  This summer we were trained to be Empowered to Connect trainers.  We didn’t waste any time, and we’re actually already finishing up our first class.  It has been such a blessing to share this curriculum.  We can’t wait to see where God takes it, and how he is going to use us in this amazing ministry.
  Brian and I are also co-developing a foster and adoption care ministry at our church.  Still in the grass roots stages – but so excited for where it’s headed!

 

kiddos.

  They’re all getting so big.  Now I can say we have five kids ages 6 and under, which gets a lot fewer crazy faces than five ages 5 and under.  Of course, we’re always anticipating DCFS calling us with the girls’ baby sister.  I think about her all the time.

Vi.  So big.

 

Sylvie at her fourth birthday breakfast.

 

Naomi, very quick to remind you that she is two and a half.

 

…I can’t wait to get to share pictures of Tootaw and Bella.  Soon.  So soon.

 

Until next time.

Goodbye and forever.

 

Last Wednesday the girls had their ‘goodbye visit’ with their mother.  Ever since the hearing we’ve been debating how to go about all of this.  Do we prepare them ahead of time?  Do we wait until after the visit so that we can be the comforters vs. the bearers of bad news?  How do we talk about something so traumatic?

Well, it turned out we didn’t have much say in the matter, because they called us Tuesday night to let us know the visit was on Wednesday.  Well then.  So much for preparation. 

Brian took the girls to the visit (an hour and a half away) so that one of us could be there for them afterward.  Also, I had recently e-mailed their birth mom a bunch of pictures from Disney and never heard back, so I wanted him to ask and make sure I had the right e-mail. 

 

The visit actually went relatively well.  Mom didn’t even discuss it being the final visit, but did give the girls some pictures of the family before leaving.  I have a lot of respect for her ability to not make it an emotional blood bath – because, really?  I can’t even imagine.  The only thing that could have gone better is if Mom would have taken some time to verbally give the girls permission for us to be their family, for them to love us and move on.  But, having been in this field for a while, none of us were really expecting that.

 

When they got home from the visit, we went ahead with bedtime.  Bella was clearly contemplative and a little quiet.  Then she asked it,

“Was that my very last visit with my Mom ever?”

I’ve been thinking about, praying about, preparing for this conversation for so long, and still it was like a punch in the gut.

“Yes sweetheart.  Yes, it was.”

Knowing that if at any point it is appropriate for the girls to have contact with their mom that we would be all for it – it was difficult not to want to comfort her with that.  But, from what we’ve learned (purvis, purvis, purvis) it is better to be straightforward and not give hope for what might not happen, at the risk of implanting a hope in a child that they could hang on to for years without any resolution.

She went on to ask all the questions.  Why?  How long is forever?  What is adoption?  Will I ever see them again?  Are they dead? 

Tootaw doesn’t understand what is happening at all.  Not at all.

Lots and lots of questions.  Lots of tears.  Some obvious relief for having some concrete answers.  Some relief that she does not have to say goodbye to us.  Lots of heartbreak. 

 

Since then we’ve seen a huge resurgence of trauma behaviors.  Trauma tantrums with hitting, kicking, spitting, biting.  The difference between a year and a half ago and now is that she trusts us, so with lots of help from Empowered to Connect, we are able to work through it.  We are able to provide comfort.  We can love her through it and connect through the pain.

But jeez, what I wouldn’t give to not have to go through all this trauma again.  We had worked through so much.  So. Much.  And now here we go again.  But this time around we are investing in forever. 

Forever. 

Thank you Lord.

 

Prayers for the hearts of our sweet girls are coveted.  Healing will come.  It will.

Can’t give up.

 

 

  Tomorrow is a big day. 

We’ve had a lot of those lately.  Bella had her last chemo appointment on Monday, and will officially be off all chemo meds as of the 22nd!  Very.  Very.  Exciting.

  But tomorrow is even bigger.

  Tomorrow we will go to court and listen to everyone on the case testify.  We will see the good and the bad, and we will listen as a judge determines whether or not to terminate the parental rights of Bella and Tootaw’s mom and dad.

  When I think about it, I feel like vomiting. 

I know in my mind what, at this point, is best for the girls.  I know they need closure.  I know they need to be able to heal.  I know that they need their childhoods released from the anxiety of being in foster care.  But no matter what happens tomorrow, there is pain, there is loss, there is brokenness.  It is possible, and likely, that we will go to the court hearing tomorrow and sit with the mother and father of our sweet girls – and that when we leave they will no longer have any of the rights associated with being parents. 

  They won’t get to decide what their kids have for dinner.

  They won’t get to watch Bella graduate from Kindergarten.

  He won’t walk them down the isle. 

  She won’t sing them to sleep.

  There is hurt.  There is pain.  There is loss.  Loss that is at the start of every adoption.  Loss that will never be erased.  I hurt so much for our girls and for the pain they will have to work through.  For the loss that will follow them through life no matter how well we love them.

 

  We took their mom out to lunch with us on Monday to give her some more time with the girls.  It’s so easy to detach ourselves from the situation and to talk ad nauseum about all the things they aren’t doing, all the times they let them down, how there is no way it could ever work.

  But when I am with her, when I identify with her as a person, as a mother, as a person broken and in need of a savior -

I want so badly for it to work.

  I want it to get better.  I want to paint smiles on all of their faces and mend their broken hearts.  I want to fix the brokenness that this world has to offer and for goodness sake, see us all as we will be on the other side of this life.

  I think of how I have been changed by unrelenting love.  None of us is perfect, none of us get it all right, we are all broken, and we all mess up.  I think of how my heart has been redeemed by a savior that loves me no matter what – an unlikely redemption, a heart changed forever.

And I just can’t let myself give up.

  I can’t give up on her.  Not until the judge has declared it final.  Even if, and probably when, her rights are terminated tomorrow, I won’t give up.  I will still pray for her heart to find it’s way out of the brokenness and wreckage that it is in.  Out of the hard places that life has taken her.  Out of difficult circumstances that poor choices have left her in.

  I hope we will be able to maintain contact to some degree at least.  Because I can’t give it up.

 

  Simultaneously I am so looking forward to it being over.  I am looking forward to working toward healing with the girls without anything to take us backwards.  I can’t wait to finally work toward being a true and legal forever family that nothing can erase.  I’m looking forward to the redemption that adoption implicitly brings.  To kiss the girls goodnight knowing that I will kiss them goodnight every night until they are grown, and that then I will worry about them every day until I die.

 

If you could be praying for tomorrow, I would so appreciate it.  That whatever is truly in the best interest of the girls is what happens and that we would trust no matter what happens.  And also that we are able to figure out some way to maintain contact with their parents if rights are terminated.  Pray.  pray.  pray.

Update, waiting, trusting.

 

 

I couldn’t possibly update you on everything that’s been happening, because even just the past week has been insane – lots of scary unknown illness, lots of case plan craziness, lots of drama that I don’t even like to think about in my own head – so I won’t share it with yours.

 

So anyway,  things that are pertinent and need prayer.

 

Bella and Tootaw have a hearing this Thursday. 

 

Brake.  Rewind.  I don’t think I’ve let you in on the fact that Dad has been MIA for the last 8 weeks.  Don’t know where he is, can’t get a hold of him, no contact with the agency – poof.

 

So, like I said, a hearing this Thursday, and although I think it’s where we’d be anyway, due to Mom and Dad’s disappearances and other shenanigans as of late, she is definitely recommending that the case goal be changed to adoption.

Shivers.

This means lots of pain and processing for my girls.  This means that we may become forever sooner than later.  This means that my daughters will finally be able to work toward some healing.  This means that my four girls would officially and legally be sisters (ya know, after like, three more court hearings.)

 

 

Overall I think that at this point this is what is best for the girls – but it is still heartbreaking.  I get easily overwhelmed at the thought of all that they will have to process, the hurdles they must cross, and the hurt they will encounter.  But, God is good, and he will walk us through this marathon one step at a time until we reach the end.  I do pray that at this point they go ahead and change the goal.  For the goal to remain reunification seems an act of futility with the direction the case has taken in the last 6-8 months.

 

If you could pray for the hearing, I would be so grateful.  It seems like we are waiting anxiously for something so momentous, but equally as devastating.

 

 

And, of course, foster care could not be so obliging as to make for an easy decision…

So two weeks before the hearing, who shows up out of nowhere? 

Mom.

Requesting a visit.

After 6 months of being MIA.

This post would quickly be much too long if I went into how infuriating that is to me.  BUT, praise God, the caseworker sees things the same way that we do and acknowledges how traumatic it would be for the girls to have a visit at this point.  She has decided no visit prior to the hearing, and only afterward if it is court ordered.  That was a blessing for us, for the girls, and for Bella’s health.

 

 

So, that is a (very) quick recap of where we are in the girls’ case right now.  Thursday couldn’t be over fast enough.  We will see what happens, for now, just trying to trust.

Trading what is best for what is good.

 

I think that all too often, we have figured out what would make our lives good (or let society and others do it for us), and maybe without even noticing it, we decide to trade what God has for us for what we have deemed good.

When really, what could be better than what God has for us?

Why would we want to trade what must be best for what we have deemed as good?

 

What God has for us may not be easy, it may not seem ideal, it probably won’t look a whole lot like the “American Dream”,  it may not be what the world would say is best, and it may not be what we had in mind.

But I would imagine that neither did the gospel when it was being lived out by the Son of God.

 

 

Since we have decided to be open to the adoption of Bella and her sister, if it should come to that, I have heard a lot about what I will miss, what won’t be possible, and what I’ll be giving up.

About how busy I’ll be, running myself ragged.  About how I’ll miss one on one time with my kids.  About how I’m going to lose my mind when they’re all teenagers.  What if my kids miss out on __________ fill in the blank.

 

I’m not convinced that we’ll give up anything close to what we’ll gain.

And if this is what God has for our family, those things are all good things, but I cling to the promise that what he has is best. 

 

I could cling to those things, those ideals.  And to be honest, many of those things are things I would love to cling to.

My life looks very different than I ever planned for it to – if it were up to ME Bella wouldn’t even be in our home.  Because when she first came, and her medical/hospital schedule was much more rigorous than we were initially told – I did cling to those things.  I told them she had to leave because, how would I ever have enough “one on one” time with Sylvia and Naomi if I was taking care of such a sick child?  I wanted to cling to those things.

But thank God that through prayer and the support of our worker, God made it work.  And I had to loosen my grip on some of those ideals.

 

And now I have a third daughter that I love incredibly.  That I wouldn’t trade for the world.  And it is because God knew what was best even when I knew what was good.  My family, and how we work looks a lot different than most of the world – but quite frankly, it should.

 

This road he has us on will be hard.  I will fail.  I will face more difficulty than if I just kept things simple.  My life will look different on the outside than most people my age, or at all for that matter.  But I pray that because of the adversity, because it will keep my eyes and my dependence on Him, that it will look different on the inside too.

 

And what He has will be best.

So I will, against the traditional grain, risk giving up what I see as good.

Disappointment.

 

  Like I said last post, Bella’s case isn’t going so hot these days….or for the last four months.

 

AGAIN on Monday, Dad missed Bella’s hospital appointment.  I think that makes 9 out of 19 or so – that they have actually attended.  This is not missing her yearly cleaning at the dentist.  This is a big deal.  And one of the symptoms of the primary reasons she first came into care.

 

Two weeks ago he was given a very sobering (in my opinion, very merciful) come to Jesus talk by the caseworker on why it’s so important – ya know, life and death – that he show he can be at every appointment. 

This is combined with several other things that are, well, not going well, for lack of a better description. 

 

It’s hard for me not to feel disappointed.

 

I go back and read posts like this one, and this one and I am reminded how well things were going – or seemed to be.  She was doing visits four days per week, a 30 day home trial was impending, we had two different dates she was supposed to go home.

 

I guess I should just lower my expectations?  Then when no one shows up at the hospital, or we get a call with more bad news, it will just be like I was expecting it?

 

But somehow, lowering my expectations feels like giving up hope.

Hope they’ll get it together.  Hope their family could be healed.  Hope that Bella won’t forever have to live with the loss of her birth family.

 

In some ways I am though.  I don’t know how to tangibly support reunification anymore.  I don’t know when to believe what Dad is telling me.  I don’t know what to tell Bella when she talks about her future.

 

15 out of 22 months is up in October.**  The caseworkers haven’t given us a clue one way or the other how they think things might go.  Do we plan and prepare our hearts for adoption?  Do we continue to root for reintegration when things seem so scattered and broken?  We are open to adoption, and would of course be excited and love that Bella and her sister would join our family.  But it just feels a little disappointing.  This isn’t what I have wanted for her.

 

We can only pray that God would prepare our hearts for where we are headed, and help us to prepare Bella’s in the same way.

 

 

**Legally, in the foster care system, when a child is in state custody for 15 out of any 22 months, the court has to reassess the situation, and unless reintegration is imminent or seems absolute, they are supposed to change the goal (either to adoption, kinship,or independent living.  In theory, this keeps kids from drowning in foster care for years on end.

Always Change.

 

  I’ve been a little bogged down as of late with the constant change inherent in this journey we’re on.  It’s part of being a foster parent, but sometimes it weighs on my soul.

 

Bella’s going home in six weeks.

Bella’s not going home.

Up for adopting four kids?

Bella’s going home in eight weeks.

Setting up visits for the four kids we’re adopting.

Crap hits the fan in Bella’s case.

Bella’s not going home.

Relative surfaced.  Have to wait to hear before knowing if we can adopt.

Bella’s visits are drastically shortened.

Just Joking.  You’re not adopting four kids.

Bella’s visit is cancelled.

Can Bella’s sister move in with you?

Mental prep for the possibility of Bella’s case going to adoption.

Throw in visits.  She’s here, she’s gone, she’s here, she’s gone.

Trying to figure out when we’re going to move.  Yes.  MOVE.

 

This is a sampling, just a sampling.

 

To be honest, sometimes I just want to quit it all.  Have a normal life (whatever that means) where we just parent our kids, volunteer some at church, go to work, have a ten year plan (heck, a five year plan would be nice).  Because it wears on me, and it’s hard. 

But, I really, truly believe that most anything worth doing is hard.

And I’m not convinced that in light of eternity, that a ten year plan is really what God has in mind for us, His children.

 

Then, this morning, as I was doing my quiet time, I read this out of My Utmost for His Highest:

“Our natural inclination is to be so precise – trying always to forecast accurately what will happen next – that we look upon uncertainty as a bad thing.  We think that we must reach some predetermined goal, but that is not the nature of the spiritual life.  The nature of the spiritual life is that we are certain in our uncertainty.  Consequently, we do not put down roots.  Our common sense says, “Well, what if I were in that circumstance?”  We cannot presume to see ourselves in any circumstance in which we have never been.

  Certainty is the mark of the commonsense life – gracious uncertainty is the mark of the spiritual life.  To be certain of God means that we are uncertain in all our ways, not knowing what tomorrow may bring.  This is generally expressed with a sigh of sadness, but it should be an expression of breathless expectation.  We are uncertain of the next step, but we are certain of God.  As soon as we abandon ourselves to God and do the task he has placed closest to us, He begins to fill our lives with surprises. 

….We are not uncertain of God, just uncertain of what He is going to do next.  When we have the right relationship with God, life is full of spontaneous, joyful uncertainty and expectancy.  Leave everything to Him and it will be gloriously and graciously uncertain how He will come in – but you can be certain that He will come.  Remain faithful to Him.”

 

 

 

Normal is not his calling on our lives.  Unknown is inherent in a life following hard after Christ.  Lord, help me to live in gracious uncertainty, with joyful expectancy. And thank you for being certain.

Hope in something bigger.

We found out that a couple of relatives have come forward for the kids.  We knew this was a possibility, but frankly, it just didn’t seem likely.

 

We are disappointed to say the least.  Frustrated.  Hurting, to be honest.  We have spent every free moment for the last month picturing life with six kids.  Figuring out room arrangements.  Test driving vehicles.  Figuring out vacation plans for the summer.  Preparing our hearts to have six children.

 

Of course, we are praying for and ultimately hoping for whatever is in the best interest of the kids.

 

Initially, it was hard not to be angry.  Still, that would be the easy response.  Why would God present this opportunity only for it to fall through?  Why can’t something just work out?  What does this mean?  What next?

 

But I was reading this morning and was reminded that God does not dangle good things in front of us just to criticize us for wanting it, and then to take it away as some kind of discipline.  This was not in any way, just a tease.

I choose to trust in knowing that he never tells us ‘no’ out of spite or malice, He tells me no only in love, for my best interest, and for His glory.  He tells me ‘no’ because He knows me better than any other, and only He knows what is truly best for me.  He tells me ‘no’ because he has something else in mind that I am too short-sighted to see.

 

I also rest in knowing that I don’t have to figure out ‘what this means’.  Because, quite simply, it just means that he is saying, “not right now, not this, something else.”

I follow Him through disappointment because He is the only one who knows what is on the other side.

 

I am also aware that it is our hearts and our obedience that God wants, not an outcome and not ‘success’.  Whatever I view as the ‘end’ is skewed unless it is simply following Jesus faithfully.  HE is the end.  And he asks me to follow Him through a journey, not to a destination.

 

It is still possible that the kids end up with us if the relatives don’t pan out (like the last three didn’t).  I don’t know, we’ll see.  I pray that whatever is in their best interest is what happens, whether that includes us or not.

 

More learning.  More refining.

I will wait on Him. 

I will find peace in His will.

I don’t want my children to be happy.

I read this post at It’s Almost Naptime around two years ago.  I loved it then.  I love it now.  It is something that I wanted to have for my girls to read in five years, and ten, and twenty, so I thought I’d repost it.  It covers so much of what I have struggled with regarding fostering – and the same conclusions I have come to.  What is it that we really, truly want to be teaching our children, and are we teaching them with words, or with our lifestyles?

 

Amen.

I don't want my children to be happy.

Dear Shepherd, Sissy, Maggie and Ikey,
Recently we were told by people whom we love and respect why they oppose our plans to adopt. One of the reasons given was that we would not be able to pay for your college education.
It's true.
You all have college funds - college funds which recently took a terrible hit - but "they" say that by the time you're 18, college will cost anywhere between $200,000 to half a million dollars each. You might as well know now, we won't be covering that. I'm telling you now, babies.
The people said that the day would come when you would look at us with resentment because you had to apply for school loans while many of your friends got a free ride from their parents.
Maybe you will. Maybe you'll resent us. I really hope not. But maybe I should tell y'all now why your dad and I have decided to do what we are doing.
I know you're going to think I am going off topic (I do that a lot) but several years I saw a story on a TV show about how the latest trend was for parents to give their daughters boob jobs for high school graduation (I don't know what they gave their sons.) When interviewing one of the moms, she said, "I just want my daughter to be happy." And as I tossed a throw pillow at the television, this really huge thought occurred to me: I don't want my children to be happy.
My goal as your mom is not your happiness, sugars. In fact, I spend at least half my day making you unhappy. If I had a nickel for every tear that falls in this home on a daily basis, we wouldn't need to worry about college tuition at all.
Happiness is fleeting, sweet babies. That means it doesn't last. It's a quick feeling that comes from a funny movie or a heart shaped lollipop or a really good birthday present. It's great. I love to be happy. But happiness is a reaction that is based on our surroundings. And our surroundings are so very rarely under our control. Even when - especially when - we think they are.
So no, I absolutely don't want you to spend your life chasing something that has so little to do with your own abilities. You'll just be constantly frustrated.
There are two things I desire for you, precious loves. There are two things that I spend most of my time as a mother trying cultivate in you. Happiness ain't one of them. (This means, sorry, no boob jobs for you.)
The first is, I want you to be content.
Being content is so much different from being happy. Being content is not based on your surroundings. Being content comes from within. Contentment is a spirit of gratitude. It's the choice you make to either be thankful for the things you do have, or to whine about the things you don't have.
Being content and grateful leads to consistent joy.
As you know, because I've told you lots of times, Paul talked about being content. Paul said that he had "learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." And Paul was in some rotten situations, kiddos, really rotten.
How could Paul be content whether he was in prison or if his life was literally a shipwreck? Because Paul was constantly seeking to be in the will of God instead of his own, was constantly sacrificing his own comfort for the sake of the gospel, and was constantly being confirmed, strengthened, and blessed by God because of his obedience. He was given a supernatural power - that means something kind of like magic, God magic - to do things that most other humans could not do. And guess what? The bible tells us (in Ephesians 1) that God will give you the exact same power! If you want it!
Which leads me to my second desire for y'all.
I don't want you to be happy. I want you to be holy. That means, I want you to seek that God-power to make you content. I want you to want the Kingdom of God more than your own kingdom. And that's hard, babies, that is so hard. And that usually means passing up a lot of what the world considers happiness. But it means that you will achieve blessings directly from God that most of the world never dreams of because they are too occupied with the achieving the perfect birthday present!
This means you may be poor, 'in want' as Paul said, and that's okay. It will never, ever be okay with the world for you to be poor. So you'll be up against the world. But not your dad and me, loves, because it was never our goal for you to be wealthy - at least not in the way that the world considers wealthy.
Darlings, we love you so much. You will never even grasp how much we love you until you have children of your own, and then you'll get it, and then you'll apologize for the ways you treated us ;) But our goal is not to please you. Our goal is to please our Heavenly Father. And nowhere in the bible does the Lord command that we save our money to send our kids to college.
But the Lord does command us to care for the orphan around fifty times. He does tell us to care for the poor around 300 times. He does tell us that when we care for the neediest, we are caring for Jesus Himself. And in chapter six of the book of Matthew, He tells us to seek His kingdom first, and let Him worry about the rest, like college tuition. Because it's all His anyway.
They said that one day y'all would resent us for using 'your' college money to go and get your sister out of an orphanage in Ethiopia and bring her home to you.
But I know my babies. Even at your tender ages, I know your hearts, and I have already seen you weep for the least of these. I know the prayers I offer up to God that He and not the world would shape the desires of your hearts. I am trusting Him to answer those prayers.
So, sugarbears - I just don't believe those people.
Love,
Mommy

That would make six, right?

Well, we went and met the kids on Sunday.

(I don’t even know how to refer to these beautiful children.  Certainly not yet my kids, not their kids….hmmm.)

We took a few candid photos, but unfortunately nothing that is faceless enough that I feel comfortable posting.  Just take my word for it.  They are beautiful.

Their ages are slightly (?) different than we were originally told, which will not surprise any of you who are seasoned in ‘the system.’  As of next month, they will actually be 7, 6, 5, and 3.  Which would mean that as of October we would have kids ages 7, 6, 5, 3, 3, and 1.  I can’t believe I even just typed that.  Someone should seriously either give me a strong slap or a strong drink.  Seriously.

 

I know what you want to know.  You want to know, did I look at them and say, “Yup, these are my kids.”

I’m hesitant to say that.  Only because I’m trying not to let my heart get ahead of the reality of where we are – there is a lot to consider. 

Did I fall in love with them?  Yes.  Would I have them move in tomorrow if the opportunity were there?  Probably.  But that doesn’t seem altogether wise.

 

They were all so sweet.  I know, I know, all you foster parents are saying, “Well, of course they were Maggie.”  But they’ve been in the same foster home for a year now, and have not exhibited any behaviors.  NONE.  How that’s possible coming from their circumstances, I’m not sure.  I’m not naïve enough to think we would never see any repercussions of their past, I would expect to, but seriously, a year and no behaviors?

Our worker, who has been doing this for 20 years, said that these are the sweetest kids she’s ever had on her caseload.

 

We went over and played for about an hour.  Sylvia was so enamored by all the new toys that I’m not sure she even interacted much.  We all sat down on the driveway and had popsicles and showed each other our funny colored tongues.  Sylvia squeezed her little tush in-between two of the kids to be sure she was a part of the circle too.  Naomi was passed between about four different laps.  It was fun.

I was also so surreal.  How do you go about meeting what may be your next four forever children?  I was like someone had just hit fast-forward, or is it rewind?  With a little pause in there too?  Surreal.

 

So, we have decided to move forward from here.

Next we will do an overnight visit sometime in the next couple of weeks.  Moving forward from there would be a couple of weekend visits, likely in May.  Moving forward from there would be the kids moving in with us near the end of May or beginning of June.

 

There hasn’t been a termination hearing yet.  It is scheduled for July.  Mom and Dad are absolutely not options at this point, so the only way it wouldn’t go to adoption is if another relative came up who was appropriate.  So far they’ve been through three relatives that were hands down no’s, with no appeals.  Even so, we have to be, and are, ready and willing to be foster parents for these kids.  If something comes up for them that isn’t us adopting them, we will give our support.

 

So, we’re looking at 8 passenger mini-vans, and shoot, 12 passenger vans too.

 

I’m so humbled to be here.

And then your life changes.

This is going to come out disorganized and a little like word vomit.  That’s how my thoughts are right now, but I wanted to get this all down for memory’s sake.

 

To start at the beginning…

Brian and I have always had a heart for fostering and adoption, but we’ve always just pursued fostering to foster, with the idea that if the opportunity to adopt came up with one of our kids that we’d cross that bridge when we came to it.  In four years of fostering, that opportunity has never presented itself (which I think is pretty rare, really.) and God has grown in us the desire to adopt.  More specifically to adopt a child or children who would otherwise be difficult to find a home for (sibling groups, “older children”, etc.).

There are a number of things regarding our plans, life stage, etc, that lead us to a place where we feel like now(ish) would be a good time for us to adopt.  So, back in August of last year, we casually talked to our worker about our interest in actually pursuing adoption (while still fostering) (obviously.).

Here we are, seven months later, not having heard anything, I was beginning to think that maybe fostering is just what God has for us, and that would be ok.

 

Then…

 

On February 28th our family worker texted me…

“Would four be too many?”

Quickly followed up by…

“If three are school aged and there are no significant behaviors?”

 

Our immediate response was something similar to, “Are you nuts?”  Followed by prayer and conversation.  We decided to look into it.  Our hearts long to be obedient to Jesus.  We’ve been praying to adopt.  This is where we find ourselves. 

 

I should throw in there that we trust our worker very much.  She is even more protective of our family than we are, and I know she wouldn’t have asked us if she didn’t think it was a good match.

 

 

We really hadn’t heard anything about the kids since the initial question from our worker.  They were still looking into one last relative possibility, and nothing was for sure.

Fast forward to Monday, when I got a call from our family worker.

The last relative is being denied an ICPC.  The caseworker is petitioning to get a court hearing sooner than later for a permanency hearing (upon which they could officially start working on an adoption.).

 

 

 

She wanted to know if we want to meet the kids on Sunday.

 

 

 

Ummm…yes.  (?!?!?!)

It will be very casual.  Their foster parents will just introduce us as some of their friends, we’ll hang out for a while and play, and then we’ll leave.

Having maybe just met our children.

our children.

They are ages 3, 4, 8, and 11.  Girl, girl, girl, boy.

 

Holy. Cow.

We would really covet your prayers.  For discernment, for trust, for courage.  But most importantly for hearts like Jesus’ and for Him to plant love in our hearts for our children before we have even met them. 

 

My last thoughts are only,

Wow.  What a beautiful life that God has allowed us.  What a privilege to follow Him.  What an adventure he has us on.  Thank you Jesus.

The part where Karyn Purvis is my hero.

 

  So we went to the Empowered to Connect conference last weekend – and apart from the 9 hours there and the 9 hours back, it was wonderful.  Wonderful.

 

  The girls (all three) hung out with Brian’s sister Jennifer while we were at the conference.  I was sure we were going to totally stress her out and ruin her weekend, but the girls did great and had a really good time.  In fact, on the way home Sylvia insisted that we turn around to go back to Aunt Jennifwews, and the following morning woke up crying for her.  I’d say that Aunt Jennifwew is well loved.

 

  We also got to hang out with friends who we met at Horn Creek last year during foster and adoptive family camp.  It was great to see them (how did we not take any pictures???) and to catch up. (We’re both going back this year.  It’s great too.  Check it out.)

  It was also wonderful to, for a whole weekend, be surrounded by other foster and adoptive parents who understand the experience.  Brian and I don’t really have a community of foster or adoptive parents here at all (which we are always hoping to change!) and so it was great to be with a lot of other people with the same heart.

 

Anyway, on to the conference.

 

  If you are a foster parent or an adoptive parent, and you’ve never heard Karyn Purvis speak – do anything in your power short of sell your home to do so.  She is incredible. She is so full of wisdom, not afraid to tell it like it is, and is funny to boot.

  Actually if you are even considering adopting, I would really, very highly, I’ll pay for you to go, recommend that you attend one of these conferences first.  She is very straight forward, not to scare you off (although she might), but so that you go into this huge decision with your eyes open, armed and ready with the tools you will need.   Go.  Really.  Go.

 

  They covered so many things.  Sensory Processing Disorder.  Brain Development.  Neurochemistry.  Fear.  Co-Regulation.  Straight forward ideas to put into practice.

  One of the things that I love about The Connected Child, and the conference, is that they give a very thorough background on why our children behave the way they do.  It’s so important to understand where these behaviors are coming from to really be able to understand why you should parent them a specific way.

  They also had a couple of adoptive mothers share their stories which is always moving, and gives so much hope. 

 

  I have a list of books that were recommended throughout the conference that I thought I’d share.  I haven’t read any of these, but I assume they’re good stuff.

Wounded Children, Healing Homes  by Jayne E. Schooler

Anatomy of the Soul  by Curt Thompson

I Love You Rituals by Becky Bailey

Parenting from the Inside Out  by Daniel Siegel

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray (She has several on attachment)

Parenting is Your Highest Calling and 8 other Myths that Trap us in Worry and Guilt  

             by Leslie Leyland Fields

 

  It’ll take me a while to get through these, but looking forward to them for sure.

 

I just want all foster and adoptive parents to have this information.  Typical parenting strategies are not for these broken little hearts that join our families.  Brian and I have decided to go back to the conference every year, just for a refresher.

Adoption Tax Credit.

Reposted from Foster Care, Our Love Story.

 

There is a tax credit available for people who adopt. It is intended to offset the cost of traditional adoption and provide incentive for perspective parents to adopt special needs children from Foster Care.
When adopting from foster care, almost all of our kids qualify as "special needs". Some of the qualifications for that are sibling groups, minority children, a child that has been in care over 1yr, or children with medical or developmental disabilities. If you adopt a special needs child, you are eligible for the entire adoption tax credit.
In years past, this credit could be used against your income tax. So you would get a bigger return, but the benefit was linked to your income and how much you pay in taxes. So for Middle class families, it could take years before you saw the full benefit of the tax credit. If you were a Grandma on Social Security who adopted 3 of your Grandbabies, you would never see this money because you don't owe taxes.
In 2010, however, President Obama signed the Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act which had some small print that made this Adoption Tax Credit a refund. This means that for every child adopted from foster care through 2011, their adoptive parents would a receive a $13,170 check regardless of their income or taxes owed. This was great news for people who got to adopt in these past 2 yrs. Granny gets the money she needs to move to a bigger apartment or start college fund for her kids.
Unfortunately, this refundable credit went away on December 31, 2011.
The plan for people adopting in 2012 is that you can get credit up to $12,170 for each adoption against your income tax. However, the remaining amount can not be used in following years. You'll get a bigger tax return for this year, but not the check for the credit amount and there is no benefit beyond 2012.
In 2013, the Adoption Tax Credit goes away all together.
There is a petition going around to try to get the Tax Credit extended. I signed it, and I hope you will too. The financial incentive shouldn't be the reason people adopt, but hopefully it helps keep siblings together or keep higher needs kids in stable homes.
Click here to sign the Adoption Tax Credit Petition
This is a form letter you can send to your State representative

Because the Church has no pinch hitter.

We must force ourselves to step to the plate.

A family member forwarded me this article, ‘My Take: On Adoption, Christians Should Put Up or Shut Up.’  A lot of what is posted on the Belief Blog I don’t agree with, but this gets a resounding Amen.

 

Soapbox, please.

 

  When people hear you’re a foster parent, it can spark some interesting conversations.  Lots of people give me their two cents on foster care – having no real background – and that’s ok, I like to talk about it, love it actually.

 

  But there are some comments that I think this article responds to very well.

 

Sometimes I get the:

  “You know, there are a lot of people who think that the government shouldn’t even run programs like foster care – that it is the responsibility of the church and therefore should be left to the church.”

 

  I agree.  Wholeheartedly.  Just one thing.  A small detail.

I am ‘the church’.  You are ‘the church’.

You are ‘the church’.

  So where does that leave us?

 

Or there is the inevitable conversation about abortion.  Outlawing.  Picketing.  Cutting funds.  I can only think of one thing – “So you’re licensing to adopt then?  Foster, maybe?  For all of those children who have nowhere to go?”  There will be thousands, and

I am ‘the church’.  You are ‘the church’.

You are ‘the church’.

  So where does that leave us?

 

There are lots of reasons not to foster.  There are lots of reasons not to adopt.  I am not saying that everyone should do either.  But I don’t say that to let anyone off the hook either.  Because the reality is that

 

I am the church.  You are the church.

We are ‘the church’.

 

  What’s crazy is that Jesus meant what he said.  We’re talking the Son of GOD here, there are no suggestions.  And the repercussion of true belief is action.  Let’s step up to the plate.  Following through on what we believe is not always easy, but it is always a blessing.

  I don’t post this out of a heart that thinks I’ve got no hypocritical blind spots.  I know that I do, and I pray that if my brothers and sisters in Christ see a blind spot of mine, that they would show me, and encourage me to live what I say I believe.

Because we are ‘the church’.

What better reason…

  to go get a frosty this weekend!!!!

 

 

…as if you needed a reason…

The Making of a Family.

  On Saturday Brian and I were so, so blessed to get to attend the final adoption hearing of Mena, Cassandra, Alondra, and Jose – children so precious to us. 

  When we got there the kids were so excited that we had come – and could not wait to say that they were part of a forever family.  Mena and Cassandra came to live with us over two years ago, and it was such a blessing to get to be a part of this day.

  Saturday was National Adoption Day, so we got to be a part of a celebratory balloon release with all the other families that were there to complete adoptions.  There were seven families there that day, adopting a total of 13 children.

 

 

 

 

 

   Sylvia loves being with the kids and was happy and squealing all day.  Her big brother (I guess we’ll call him a cousin now!) Jose carried her all over the whole time we were at the courthouse. 

 

 

 

I think that because it was the final adoption hearing, Cassandra was under the impression that she may not see us anymore.  We reassured her that we will see her again very soon, and that we will always be a part of her family!

 

 

 

After the hearing, their mom and dad had a large group of family, us, and a couple of the caseworkers from their case over for a fiesta!  We ate (really, very good) food, played with the kids, and celebrated their new family.  There was even another couple there that spoke fluent English, which was very exciting, and made things a little easier.

 

  We are so happy for their family.  We are so thankful for their mom and dad who we know will be a wonderful family for the kids.  Praise God for happy endings like this one!  There is nothing much more beautiful than to watch a family in the making, and to see the gospel lived out through adoption.

Politics. Adoption.

I hate politics.  Used to really like it.

Now, basically, I loathe it.  Probably makes my top ten of things I really wish could just not exist.

Hate, hate, hate.

 

Anyway.  So I don’t particularly like politics, but I do lllooovvveee adoption and fostering.

 

Presidential Proclamation–National Adoption Month

Giving a child a strong foundation — a home, a family to love, and a safe place to grow — is one of life’s greatest and most generous gifts.  Through adoption, both domestic and international, Americans from across our country have provided secure environments for children who need them, and these families have benefited from the joy an adopted child can bring.  Thanks to their nurturing and care, more young people have been able to realize their potential and lead full, happy lives.  This year, we celebrate National Adoption Month to recognize adoption as a positive and powerful force in countless American lives, and to encourage the adoption of children from foster care.

Currently, thousands of children await adoption or are in foster care, looking forward to permanent homes.  These children can thrive, reach their full potential, and spread their wings when given the loving and firm foundation of family.  Adoptive families come in many forms, and choose to adopt for different reasons:  a desire to grow their family when conceiving a child is not possible, an expression of compassion for a child who would otherwise not have a permanent family, or simply because adoption has personally touched their lives.  For many Americans, adoption has brought boundless purpose and joy to their lives.  We must do all we can to break down barriers to ensure that all qualified caregivers have the ability to serve as adoptive families.

This year, on November 20, families, adoption advocates, policymakers, judges, and volunteers will celebrate the 11th annual National Adoption Day in communities large and small.  National Adoption Day is a day of hope and happiness when courthouses finalize the adoptions of children out of foster care.  Last year, Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius was honored to preside over a ceremony celebrating two foster care adoptions as part of my Administration’s support for this important day.

Adoptive families are shining examples of the care and concern that define our great Nation.  To support adoption in our communities, my Administration is working with States to support families eager to provide for children in need of a place to call home.  The landmark Affordable Care Act increases and improves the Adoption Tax Credit, enabling adoption to be more affordable and accessible.  As part of the Adoption

Incentives program, States can also receive awards for increasing adoptions and the number of children adopted from foster care.  AdoptUsKids, a project of the Department of Health and Human Services, offers technical support to States, territories, and tribes to recruit and retain foster and adoptive families; provides information and assistance to families considering adoption; and supports parents already on that journey.  I encourage all Americans to visit AdoptUsKids.org or ChildWelfare.gov/Adoption for information and resources on adoption, including adoption from foster care.

As we observe National Adoption Month, we honor the loving embrace of adoptive families and the affirming role of adoption in the lives of American families and our country.  Let us all commit to supporting our children in any way that we are able — whether opening our hearts and homes through adoption, becoming foster parents to provide quality temporary care to children in crisis, supporting foster and adoptive families in our communities and places of worship, mentoring young people in need of guidance, or donating time to helping children in need.  Working together, we can shape a future of hope and promise for all of our Nation’s children.

NOW, THEREFORE, I, BARACK OBAMA, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and the laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim November 2010 as National Adoption Month.  I call upon all Americans to observe this month by answering the call to find homes for every child in America in need of a permanent and caring family, as well as to support the families who care for them.

IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of November, in the year of our Lord two thousand ten, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-fifth.

BARACK OBAMA

 

(can I get an ‘amen!’)