July 23, 2010

I don’t even know what to title this post.

Really I’m not even sure what to write.  Where to start.


Since my last post, Zee has become increasingly physically aggressive.  Somewhere in the last couple of weeks, this has all become too much for him. 

Night before last he was extremely physically aggressive.  He also seemed to be showing some signs of PTSD – almost like flashbacks.  He was talking about things that have happened in the past, and was looking at us like we were strangers.  We got through that night.

The next morning (yesterday) Brian had to leave early for work.  I had the boys on my own for the morning until their Rocket Camp.  Zee woke up just as aggitated as he fell asleep, and was rearing to go.  Luckily Sylvia was still asleep.  He was becoming increasingly physically agressive as the morning went on and was completely out of control.  Jae, thankfully, was having a good morning.

I ended up having to call Brian to come home from work.  Sylvia was about to wake up, and I knew I couldn’t handle her and Zee the way he was behaving – and that it wasn’t safe.  Brian came home, and Zee continued to escalate.  He was hitting, kicking, biting, and throwing things.  We did our best to calm him down, to talk him through it, but he was only getting worse.

We ended up having to call the police again.  This time the police said they thought it would be best for him to go with them for a while.  They took him down to the detention center. 

Brian and I knew that a decision had to be made.  We had to know when to call it – when it wasn’t safe for him to be with us anymore.  The fact that it only seems to be getting worse, and the fact that I cannot safely be home with him and Sylvia by myself led us to decide that our home was no longer a safe place for him to live.


Right now he is in a respite home.  The caseworker is out of town (although she never told us this – and has her cell phone off – and when I called and left two urgent messages at her office, no one cared to tell me she was gone.) and no major decisions will be made until she gets back Monday.

Zee is (obviously) not thinking clearly right now.  But is currently saying that he wants to be moved from our home, and that he does not want to live with Jae.  I know that in time this is not what he will want.  He is so confused.  So lost in all of this.

At this point I am sincerely hoping that they decide to move Jae in with Zee.  Jae has been an emotional wreck ever since Zee left and he bawled himself to sleep last night.



I can’t really even describe what all of this is like.

My heart hurts for those boys so badly – in such a way that I don’t even know how to explain it.  I hate all of this.  I hate their situation.  I hate that they can’t understand what is happening – even the way they are feeling.  I hate that I don’t think things are going to get better for them any time soon.  I hate that we can’t fix it.  I hate that there is nothing I can do.  I hate that they can’t be here.  I hate that they may not remember that we love them.

I cannot fathom their pain.

I am pleading with God for things to get better for them.  Pleading that their hearts make it through all of this without becoming void of feeling, emotion, love.  Pleading that He would carry them.  Please, Lord.


  1. They will remember your love.
    I am sorry for your pain.
    May God hold all of you in His loving arms during this time.

  2. I hope your family can find more support than judgment at this difficult time. Bless you, the boys, and all you've done for them!

  3. Oh Maggie. I'm so sorry. I'm sorry for the boys' pain and for your own as well. I pray that the Lord will give your hearts peace as you trust in Him.

  4. Maggie, you are doing your best and that is all you can do. And I doubt they'll forget how much you love them. Praying for you guys.

  5. Words cannot even express what I want to say at this moment! I am so sorry the boys are having to experience this right now. God has a special plan for them...even though we might be able to see it right now. Praying for you and Brian as well...I can't even imagine. Thank you for being so open and honest with your thoughts. God is using you all in mighty mighty ways! Praying!

  6. Maggie,
    All of that sounds just awful. I have dealt with boys in their age bracket who behave irratically and it is nothing short of scary. You made the best call you could make both to Brian and the police. I pray these boys will get the healing they so deserve. It will only get worse for them as they get older if they don't and it may end up with one or both in jail long term. So sad. They did not ask to be born into a family that would not give them what they need to succeed in life and they did not ask to be moved around. But one day they will have to take accountability for their actions in a big way....hopefully this is a defining moment for Zee.

  7. Oh Maggie, I'm so sorry for all of it. I'm sorry for the boys, for all their hurt and that because of the way their hurt comes out they are hurting you and then they are hurt more so everyone can stay safe. The hurt is so pervasive. I know you will turn to God in your hurt, I hope the boys learned enough about God while with you that they eventually will too.

    There are no easy answers.

    Someone I know who was a sibling of a foster child said that everything about the fostering experience was good for her until she saw her mom take physical abuse from one of their foster kids. I hope that gives you a little peace about your decision - that violence is never OK, not even when someone is hurting as badly as Zee. You've done the right thing in keeping your home a safe place.

    Best wishes, prayers, and love!

  8. Praying for everyone involved in Zee's life right now. So saddened by all the hurt these boys have inside. Praying that God heals their broken hearts over time and that they are placed in a safe, God loving home soon. Keep on trusting Him, that's all you can do. How could someone foster without knowing Him?! Wow, it would be hard! Praying for peace in your hearts as well.

    Katie Huff

  9. hang in there. I hope that they can keep the boys togheter, all they have right now is one another.

  10. Prayers. Hope. Love.

  11. Someone referred me to your blog. I worked at a shelter for children/youth, so I remember a lot of the phys. agression, acting out, etc. I also have a 9 1/2 month old. I can't imagine juggling all that you do. I know your heart breaks for the boys! Praying for you and your fam. And the boys, too, of course.

  12. oh maggie...we all hate it.

    you did what had to be done.

  13. I am so sorry for all of this. You gave them lots of love to hold on to and now they have two people that will always care about them and will always keep them uplifted in prayer.


Thanks for commenting!!


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