We have 5 kids in the house tonight. Jae and Zee’s brother (6) and sister (11) are here to spend the night.
We almost had to cancel the visit. The boys had a terrible morning. Screaming, yelling threats, calling names, opening and slamming doors, defiance, and throwing things. I really didn’t want to cancel the visit, but I was beginning to think it was inevitable.
Finally, it was like something snapped, and Jae actually started trying to be civil. Zee is a follower, and was only acting that way because of Jae – so when he started to make the turnaround so did Zee.
The visit is going really well so far. I assumed it would – they’re all excited to see each other and we’ve only just met their siblings, so the honeymoon is on in full force.
They want to know whether or not we can take their siblings after the visit.
Right now I really feel like we need to say no. The boys are still struggling so much with behaviors – there are days I feel like we’ve made no progress at all. It’s possible that their siblings would move in and it would alleviate some of their stress and therefore improve morale around here. But it’s also possible that things wouldn’t improve at all, and we’d have twice as many kids who don’t know how to express their anger. I’m not sure we’d be very effective (or sane) if that were the case.
So anyway. More of an update after the visit. We’re having a good time right now – good memories.
yea for the honeymoon phase :) I hope it last for the whole visit
ReplyDeleteOoo I can't wait to see pictures!
ReplyDeleteSiblings should be together.
ReplyDeleteStop thinking of yourself.
I believe siblings should be together. If you have the room, bring them together. It will do a world of good for all of the kids. I bet it improves their behaviors too. They seem to be acting out because no one understands them or listens to them.
ReplyDeleteMy mom is demented in so many ways she's a child. I found that when I communicate with her she's pleasant. People, big or small, all want to be heard.
Maybe the visiting siblings will help the 2 wild boys?
Just my 2 cents for what it's worth to you.
Remember, you are human angels for children.
LK - First, I would like to say, that if you are going to be mean or rude, I would rather you not comment on my blog. It doesn't do anyone any good.
ReplyDeleteSecond, if Brian and I are overwhelmed by having the other kids here, we are not doing any of them any good. If we don't feel like we can effectively parent four children who are having a lot of anger issues, then what good is it for them to be here? I agree that it is good for siblings to be together, but right now if there is not a home that feels they can handle all of their behaviors, it may not be possible. Brian and I are not making this decision based on ourselves, we are making this decision based on the kids, and where they will get the care they need.
Susan- We will bring them into our house if we feel like we can give them the care that they need. We do have the room, but if we do not feel like they will get the attention and the one on one care that each of them needs here, then we cannot responsibly ask them to live with us.
Every night before bed, and at any chance we get during the day we try to prompt the boys to talk to us, and we listen to what they are struggling with. Right now neither of them is much for discussing their feelings - which is why they are in therapy. We're trying to listen and to get them to talk - sometimes they just aren't ready.
Maggie, I was about to respond with what you said. So I'll just say AMEN!
ReplyDelete...And that you're awesome!
Maggie,
ReplyDeleteAnyone who has read your blog long enough, knows you do not do this for yourselves!! All of the love and affection you have laid out on these boys and you are honest even about the many, many ways they are a challenge. I think bringing two more in with similar background would open it up to more chaos, more tantrums, more grief that needs healing. It is not enough for them to be together, as you well know. They have to be able to thrive in their home environment.
I honestly do not know too many people with a 9 month old child who would continue to foster all the children you have. So many couples in your shoes would have thrown in the towel when their daughter was born...but here you are still going at it because of your deep, deep LOVE for children in foster care.
I think you have all of the children's best interests in mind by not taking in more placements simply because you have the room. Orphanages and institutions have room, but can they necessarily provide the same kind of individualized attention that you and Brian have given to Jae & Zee?
ReplyDeleteLK- Since you believe that Maggie is only thinking of herself why don't YOU open your home to a child with anger issues- better yet two (as Maggie has) or three or four? I'm not as brave or selfless as Maggie, but perhaps you are.
I think some people have no life anad try to stir stuff up online just for some excitement in their otherwise boring day. Take the CYBER-BULLYING elsewhere, please.
ReplyDeleteThat said, you all are doing great thing, especially by taking kids who are labeled "hard to place." At my work, I see dozens of these kids coming to our group home because no one will take them. :/