Update. But not from the caseworker.

Our family worker came to visit this week. (Not to be confused with the kids’ caseworker, whom I have never met, have only spoken to once on the phone for approximately 4 minutes, have left numerous messages for, and who has not visited the boys since they were placed with us a month and a half ago.  ahem.  that is all.)

Maybe I should start over.  sans rant.  I promise.

Our family worker came to visit this week.  She doesn’t have a ton more info than I do.  She did offer a couple of updates though:

~Mom has made no progress.  period.  since the case started.  Chances of going home?  Somewhere between zero and nil – of course that’s what they said with    X-man too.  So I’m not going to hold my breath, but we’ll see.

~She was very happy to hear that we have found a couple methods of discipline that seem to be effective.  Hallelujah! {More on that later?}  Not to say things around here aren’t still crazy – but even baby steps feel sooo good.

~The caseworker would like to know if we would be interested in doing some pre-placement visits with the boys’ siblings (5 and 10 years old).  Their sister is having the same behavioral issues that the boys are.  Their brother has some delays in speech, but doesn’t seem to display many behaviors. 

We told her that we’d be happy to do some pre-placement visits to see how things go.  It would obviously be in the best interest of the boys to be with their siblings.  This is not to say that if the visits end in me feeling like my house is imploding, we won’t decide that it is not a good idea.  It’s a big, fat we’ll see.

So, if the caseworker ever ends up calling me (no rants.  I promised.) then we’ll be back at five kids, if only temporarily.  I should start praying now.  In fact, that’s the best idea I’ve had all day.

Why Foster?

Foster Care Awareness Month

May is Foster Care Awareness Month.  I got this video off of another foster parent’s blog – she put it together with some friends of hers.  I love the video – it’s really well done, and it only serves to make me more passionate about fostering and loving these kids. (You didn’t think that was possible, did you?)  I pray that it moves hearts.

My posts the last couple of weeks have been honest.  The majority of the last two weeks have been rough.  But I don’t want to make you think for a second that this is not a blessing.  It is a blessing, and a privilege to get to be a part of these kids’ lives.  Even during the rough times, I would not hesitate to recommend fostering.  It will change your life, and will forever impact the kids you come to love.

 

 

The video lists some ways of helping other than licensing to foster, like:

• Becoming a CASA advocate.  As a CASA advocate you are assigned to kids in the system and help to advocate for them in the court system.  GREAT program.
• Becoming a respite provider in order to give foster parents needed breaks.  To be a licensed respite provider you take the same classes as a foster parent, but kids only come to stay with you for a few days at a time.  In some states you can babysit for foster parents simply by having a background check done.  To learn more, contact your local state agency.
• If you’re a Harley fan, you can join BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse).  The kids LOVE it when a bunch of bikers show up for their court hearings.  It also serves to make them feel safe if the perp is at the hearing.  This program was great – the kids on my caseload loved it.
• Donate clothes, bikes, stuffed animals, hygiene supplies, journals, schools supplies, or new toys to your local fostering agency.
• Adopt!
• Tutor a child, or sponsor a child through Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America.
• There are so many ways to help these kids!  What’s your gift?

 

{ If you have any questions about fostering, or the other programs that are listed, please let me know!  You can leave questions in the comments, or e-mail me.  I will do my best to answer or point you in the direction of someone who can!}

Beauty out of Ashes.

I just found this new blog, Profoundly Seth.  I love reading her thoughts, and her kids are stinkin’ cute!  The writer’s name is Ellyn, and she recently posted on God using challenges to refine us.  She is facing challenges that I cannot imagine.  It just got me thinking.

 

Goodness knows that God is using these boys in my life.  Through them he is teaching me the art of patience faster than I ever really wanted to.  I’ve always prayed for God to teach me patience – momentarily forgetting the mode in which he does so – and really, although I’m sure that I will appreciate it at some point, I think in retrospect I would have asked to learn a different fruit of the spirit.

However, you’d be shocked at how quickly I can de-escalate my fuming, anger stricken, if-you-roll-your-eyes-at-me-one-more-time-I’ll-tape-your-eyelids-shut self these days.  These boys are doing wonders for my self talk.  ha!

The point being, he is absolutely refining me.  He is using these boys to help me know Him better, be who He created me to be, and realize that if I don’t want my buttons to be pushed, I should just lose the buttons {go touch-screen if you will}. 

In fact, maybe He even chuckled a little when he heard Jae utter that terrible word that starts with a ‘B’ in my direction. (That one that makes my blood turn to fire….yeah, that one.)  He says, “Oh Maggie, loosen up.  Do you know how many times you’ve said things that I could get bent out of shape over, and look here – I still love you.”

 

This quote came up on another blog I was reading today:

If Jesus gives us a task or assigns us to a difficult season, every ounce of our experience is meant for our instruction and completion if only we’ll let Him finish the work. I fear, however, that we are so attention-deficit that we settle for bearable when beauty is just around the corner.

              Beth Moore

 

So we’re stickin’ this one out guys.  Let’s see what God has in store.

 

In her blog post, Ellyn also talked about how she doesn’t think everything happens for a reason, but that God can bring amazing things from the ashes.  (Not sure I agree that everything doesn’t happen for a reason.  God allows things to happen, and uses them for His glory.  But he already knew what would happen ahead of time – so no sure where that leaves us.  My mind just exploded.)

Anyway, that led me to think about the situation that the boys are in the middle of.  Their small hearts are so full of ashes left over from the fire that ripped through their world.  They don’t even know what to do with all of their hurt.

But God is bringing beauty out of those ashes. 

I see it in small things.  Like when Zee asks me if God is listening to his prayers.  Or when Jae finally breaks down and cries with me.  Or when we have short moments when I can tell that the boys trust us, and know we love them.  Beauty.  Straight from ashes. 

God is incredible.

We are Family.

In June of 2009 our membership to our community recreation center expired.  No big thing.  At the time I was going every day anyway (this was prior to giving birth to a child.  Now…not so much:  a.they don’t take kids under 6 months old at the childcare center.  b. I’m pretty sure my stomach muscles still don’t even connect in the center.  But I’ve started back…slowly).  So during one of my trips, I stopped by the front desk to renew the membership. 

I was making small talk with the man at the desk while he clicked away on his computer, occasionally asking me a question regarding our membership renewal, and our faithful attendance to the rec center every day.  In the shuffle, he asked me how many children we would be adding to the membership.  “None right now,” I said, “but we’re foster parents, so our kid status varies.”  From the look on his face you would think I had just said that I’d be bringing my two cats in to take dips in the pool every so often, but not to worry, they’ve never pooped anywhere but the cat box.  He looked at me like I was crazy. 

He asked me to wait a minute, and turned around to whisper on the phone like I had just caused a code red.  When he came back, he told me very politely, that my foster children would not be welcome at the rec center on our family membership, and that if I ever wanted to bring one of these foster children with me, I’d have to pay the $8 they charge non-members.  I was confused.  I’m paying for a family membership, I explained.  “Yes, I’m aware,” he replied, “but your foster children,

they don’t fit our definition of “family.”

Cue livid, boiling anger rising.  Steam out of the ears.  Seeing spots kind of angry.

I kindly told him that I’d be looking for another place to exercise, and that I’d let all of my friends know not to go there in case they didn’t “fit their definition of family.”  (After cooling off I wrote a very pointed e-mail to the head of recreation for our city.  I suggested that they change their definition.  He let me know that we could attend the rec without issue, but that their definition of family suited them just fine.)

 

All that to say – this kind of thing happens a lot as foster parents.  Projects at school that are about family get a lot more difficult.  People (well-meaning people) say things that make it sound like your foster kids don’t count.  When introducing your family, people make distinctions between your foster kids and your biological kids.  Before Sylvie was born people would tell us about parenthood like we had never been parents before.  When we have our second child, I’d place bets that we get comments like, “Just watch out, two is a different ballgame.”  It’s frustrating.  I don’t fault the individual though, I think it’s our society.  Why do we define family so narrowly?  Adoptive Mama Of Two posted on this a while back, and she quoted,

"Losing ones family obliges us to find ones family. Not always the family that is our blood but the family that can become our blood." - Sean Connery in Finding Forester

 

Some people have to find their family.  Our family grows by the year unlike most.  But these kids are my kids.  And we are family.

The Rules.

{First I’d really just like to say a humongous thank you for all of the ideas and encouragement sent via comments and e-mails.  They have been so helpful, and above all they have lifted my spirit, given me hope, and helped me to keep my gaze on the eternal rather than the temporal.  Thanks so much.  It really has meant so much.}

 

Helping Jae and Zee through this transition has definitely had it’s challenges.  But not without a few laughs as well.  (I mean other than the incessant laughter about the most recent fart.)

Zee randomly makes up these ‘rules’.  Just rules of life I suppose, but some of them are pretty comical.  I thought I’d share a few of these, just in case you might be breaking some of them.

 

“That’s the rule.  You should never feed a baby too much, or it will blow.  Isn’t that the rule Maggie?”

 

“That’s just the rule, if you fart in public, you shouldn’t wave it around.  Besides, if you do that, they’ll know it was you.”

 

“I guess that’s just the rule.  Mom’s get to eat chocolate and pop.  Kids don’t.”  

{I like this rule.  Of course it was followed by lots of whining about how it’s not fair.  But as long as I have the chocolate, I can deal.}

 

“That’s the rule.  Don’t go into a public bathroom without shoes and socks.  You’ll get nasty yellow grime on your feet.  That’s from all the pee.  And it GROWS.”

 

“Maggie, what are you doing?!?  That’s the rule!  You can’t feed Sylvia outside!  Someone might see your nursers!”

 

And my favorite:

“So that’s just the rule.  God loves me and forgives me even when I yell at you.  It’s just the rule.”

{Zee has initiated several conversations about God.  I have loved so much telling him how much God loves him.  Those conversations have been the sweetest refreshment in the midst of all their anger.}

Project 365 – Week 12

 

At the zoo with all the cousins.

Zee would be the one to try to wrangle the snake.  Even if it weren’t fake.

 

Love my Nana!

 

Love this.  Especially that cute little hiney on the end.

 

All lookin’ like my Daddy.

 

Hangin’ with my cuz.

 

Two of my very favorite girls.

 

Zee helping Brian mow the grass and loving every minute of it.

A Message for Maggie

From Mena...

 From Cassandra...

From X-man...

From Abby...

From Jae and Zee...

From Sylvia...

And from 'Popcorn', Jacob, Jason, Jose, Alondra, Carter, 'A-Rod', and Alan: Happy Mother's Day Maggie!  You were our Mommy when we couldn't be with our own.  You loved us as your own even though you didn't have to.  Even though some of us won't ever remember you by name, our lives will be forever changed by the time we spent with you being our Mommy.  We love you!