What we miss.

  I’ve found that it’s a pretty universal feeling for most foster parents with forever children.  You get the call for a new kiddo (or kiddos.) and you say yes.  You feel excited, but then it starts.

The panic.

  What if this means that I won’t have as much time with my forever kids?  What if they miss out on something because my attention is divided?

  What if I miss this?  This precious time.  This precious age.  Memories.  What if it all dissolves in the chaos?  I talked about this feeling a little bit here. 

 

 

  I’m not sure we’ll ever take a placement without having a little bit of this feeling.  But the longer we foster, the more I think it’s just a little silly.  A little off focus.  A little fear driven – and I don’t want fear to lead.

 

  When I look back over the last eight months that Bella has been with us, the last thing that comes to mind are the memories I may have missed out on by her joining our family.

 

  It’s true, I’ve probably had a little less one on one time with Sylvia. 

But I’ve gotten to watch a beautiful sisterhood develop between three girls that otherwise would have never been.  Sylvia and Naomi will always, in their hearts, have a sister in Bella.  And Bella will always have a home here.

 

 

 

The memories we have built these last eight months have been different than they would have been, to be sure.  They may have been more calm.  Maybe we would have had more time to go on outings.  I could have kept my house a heck of a lot cleaner.

 

 

  But I wouldn’t have gotten to watch my beautiful girls playing dress up, going grocery shopping, camping, to the movies, or whatever adventure they choose next.

  I wouldn’t have gotten to watch them build forts with the pillow cushions or “read” each other books.  I would have never been invited to a tea party hosted by two of the prettiest princesses I know.

  Sylvia would not be building memories of pretend play, craft making, and snow ball fights with a sister who will always be a part of who she becomes.

 

To think that I would have somehow been better able to ‘soak up’ this time, this age, this season, without Bella here is something silly my mind has tricked me into. 

 

These memories are beautiful.

 

  They are no less special, no less precious, no less ingrained in my mind as the season of life when I watched my children grow.

  If anything they are more.  Full of even more life.  Full of even more joy.  Full of even more…..memories.

They are different memories, but they are not lesser memories.

  These memories, as different as they may be compared to ‘normal life’, are a blessing, there is no doubt.  A blessing to me.  A blessing to Sylvie and Naomi.  And, I pray, a blessing to Bella.

 

 

  What we miss is not found here.  What we miss is life, when we say no.  When we decide that ‘normal’ must be the best way.  Just look at what we miss.

 

  It is only a reminder to me, that serving Jesus, following Him, is always best.  For us.  For our children.  For our hearts.  Thank you Lord for not allowing me to convince myself that life would be less because of what you call us to.

Valentines twenty-twelve.

 

  Since we’ve had kids (which has been most of our marriage.) I’ve totally sucked it up on gifts.  I always have spectacular ideas that come flooding into my mind and I get really excited…..two days before the holiday that requires said gift.

  And then I’m doing laundry and cleaning up spit up and picking nits, and I just end up doing something really lame.  Lame, like, for Christmas I printed off two pics of our girls at CVS, put them in frames, wrapped them, and voila…lame-o Christmas pictures for your office.

No forethought.

 

SO.

For valentines, I read about this really great idea of putting together 12 envelopes, one for each month of the year, each one filled with a pre-planned, super fun date.  That way we have at least one date already planned for each month, and my Mister doesn’t have to feel all the pressure to come up with some good date night idea.

 

 

I turned my date night envelope making into a craft project with the girls, and I actually got it done in time!

I’m super excited.

Some of the envelopes already have tickets in them for events that month, some of them have gift certificates, and some of them are just ideas for things we don’t do very often together.  And he gets a new surprise every month!

 

 

We celebrated valentines day last night, and so Brian already has his present.  I’m not totally ruining it by posting the entire thing on here.  That would make this a lame present, instead of a great one.

 

Anyway, I’m going to post every month when we do our fun date so that we can keep the memories of our dates this year.

 

can’t wait!

uuhh. Thoughts.

 

Well, things are pretty good around here.

 

For the rest of the month Bella has visits Wednesdays through Sundays.  That’s right, she’s only at our house full time Mondays and Tuesdays.  It’s kind of weird.

I miss her.

And somehow I’m not sure that this gradual letting go is going to make the final goodbye any easier.  Not for my heart.

 

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We thought that Bella came back from her visit this week sans parasites. 

Until last night, when we found more nits.

They had her checked at the health department before she came back, and they gave her the ok, but apparently the health department can’t find nits. 

 

Not sure where to go from here.  It doesn’t even seem to cross the caseworker’s mind what a pain is to be sending them back and forth.  I believe I’m gonna have to put my foot down shortly.

 

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We went this weekend to visit Brian’s brother and his family.  They have a brand new baby girl (eeek!) who was so soft and snuggly I almost wanted to get pregnant again right now.  Actually, I wouldn’t cross it off the list of possibilities.  (no.  this is not an announcement.)

 

We managed to get through the entire weekend with a grand total of about two pictures.  How did we do that??  Also, can’t find the camera.  Wow.  We are on top of it.

 

Here are the two pictures that made it through the weekend on my phone.

 

Helping uncle Daniel carry Genevieve out to the car.  It takes lots of helpers.

 

Big hugs.  I think they like each other.

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Less than a month until (supposedly) Bella leaves.

There will be a post on this.

My heart does not like it.

 

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If you have e-mailed me or otherwise contacted me with questions and such – PLEASE know that I am making an effort to get back to you, and that I am not just ignoring you!  I have no excuse except that I have been using all my free time to sew (clothes for the girls!  newly found love of quilting!  so many projects!).  I love to sew.

Sew, I will be getting back to you.  Promise.  (did you catch that?) (I’m a dork.)

 

I think that’s all the random thoughts today.

Hopefully I’ll get to a better post tomorrow.  You know, with actual paragraphs.  And punctuation.  We’ll see.

over sharing.

I’ve had lots I’ve wanted to post.

 

But when you kids come back to you from Mom and Dad’s bearing little gifts like

 

 

     

THIS

 

…you get a little preoccupied. 

 

  This is the second little gift that we’ve gotten from Ms. Bella (this is definitely the better of the two.).  Lice are not a huge deal, but are definitely enough to rain on a otherwise happy go lucky day.

 

  So we’ve been treating, and picking, and washing, and washing, and washing….

and washing.

lots of laundry.  did I mention that?

Luckily I’m a natural picker.  I’ve probably mentioned that before.  I actually don’t mind when my kids get cradle cap, because like I said, I’m a picker.  So we’ve been doing a lot of nit-picking.

 

 

The kicker is, she got it at home on her last visit.  They all sleep in the same bed.  She is going back home for another visit in approximately 30 minutes, where, in all likelihood, she will just pick it up again and bring it back.  Then we’ll treat it, and three days later she’ll go back.

Well.  You get the idea.

We’re trying to get her visit extended so that they can just completely get rid of it at their house so we aren’t swapping parasites back and forth.  I love Bella and all, but I don’t need her parasites.

 

Good news?  No sign of it on Sylvie, Naomi, or Brian and I.  So far so good.

 

Excuse me, I just heard the dryer stop.  Time for another load.

A listening heart.

As parents, we really try our best not to parent behaviors, but to parent hearts.  No matter the background of a child, their behaviors spill out of their little hearts that are broken, trying to navigate through this life.  Life in a world that is as broken as their hearts, broken but not beyond repair.  Broken in selfishness, broken in greed, broken in anger.  The first signs that this is not our home, this is not where we belong.

 

When our kids are struggling to share, or to be kind, or to be loving, we talk to them about what their hearts are saying.

A selfish heart says ‘mine, mine, mine’ but a generous heart says ‘here, you have a turn.’     You get the idea.

 

At night we pray with them before bed – we pray about how our day went, give thanks for our blessings, and pray for our friends.

 

The last couple days have been hard.  Pull-my-hair out frustrating.  Behaviors from the back and forth of visits are in hyperdrive.

 

As I started to pray with Bella last night, I didn’t even know where to start, what to say.  I was physically and emotionally exhausted.  So I just started out really honest.

“God, some days we have a lot of trouble listening.  We just don’t have listening hearts.”

 

As the words came out of my mouth, mostly intended for the kind of day that Bella had just had, my prayer hit my heart.

 

I had a lot of trouble listening.  I didn’t have a listening heart.

All I could hear all day was our struggles, when God was speaking to me something completely different.

 

This tantrum, this is your opportunity to love her.  Go.  Love her.  Do it well.

Your little two year old that is so stubbornly (frustratingly) strong willed?  She will do great things someday because she doesn’t. give. up.

The mess that you see when you look at your house?  There is beauty in it.  It is the sign of a day full of life.  It is the beauty of having my children under your roof.

If I’ve told you once, I’ve told you a thousand times (he chuckles), slow. down.

But I didn’t hear these things in the moment, because I was focused on how my children just weren’t listening.

The irony.

Some days I think God just shakes his head at me.  Out of love, of course.

 

For all the times I pray that my children would have listening hearts, I pray the same for myself.

9 Months.

  I love this age.  We see more of your personality every day.  It’s like every day you are on a mission to show me you are your own person with your own quirks and loves and needs.  I am loving getting to know you.

 

  I think I see, emerging out of you, a heart that is tender and so willing to make someone else’s day.  At just the right moments you look at me and smile your big, open mouth smile, as if to say – Mama, I know we drive you crazy sometimes, but I am so worth it!  You love to snuggle, and even though you are a very busy girl, you always have time to give me a little baby love.  You get so excited when your Daddy or I pick you up, and as soon as you get in our arms you squeeze us as tight as your little arms will let you.  The best kind of hug, I’m very sure.

 

 

  You are crawling all over the place, and very quickly.  Sometimes you try to chase your sisters around, and they play along.  It’s one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen.  Hands down.  You pull up on anything that seems even vaguely sturdy enough, and you’ve started cruising around a bit too.

  You’ve learned to climb the stairs.  Without my permission, I might add.  I didn’t know you had conquered this little trick, so I put you downstairs with some toys while I was helping your sisters brush their teeth upstairs.  I walked around the corner to come check on you, and there you were at the top of the stairs. 

It’s not nice to give your Mommy heart palpitations like that.

 

 

  You’re still sleeping with us.  Still.  I know for the last two months I’ve said we were going to transition you to your crib – but, well, maybe this month.  You don’t make it easy.  Last night we took you to bed with us, and for thirty minutes you laughed at absolutely anything we did.  It was absolutely the best part of my day.  So who wants to put you in a crib with fun like that??

  You’ve decided ‘to heck’ with that baby food stuff.  You’re slowly munching on more solid foods – but mostly your still nursing.  You got your first tooth this month, which turned into your first four teeth.  Two on top, and (barely) two on bottom.

 

 

  You’re still teeny tiny.  Like your mama through and through.  I love your itty   bitty-ness.  You’ve got drama down pat.  Essentially if Sylvia comes near you, and I’m not holding you, you start throwing a fit.  I have to say, that is some intelligent drama.  You’re only trying to survive, I know.

  You are very intensely focused on discovering every little thing you can, and you study things like you are going to be given a test on the inner workings of every toy we own.  You are soaking things up, learning, and exploring every moment.

 

 

  You are an absolute joy.  You have a huge grin on your face almost constantly.  We are so blessed by your presence.  I love you more and more and more.  I am so happy to call you my little baby (even though soon you won’t be so little.) – what a blessing you are.

 

  Love you, Love you, Love you,

                                   Mama

 

Behavior Modification.

  We started some short term in-home therapy with Bella today.  I requested it because the transitions back and forth from 3-4 days with Mom and Dad to 3-4 days with us has seriously been kicking her four year old butt – along with ours in the process.  So mostly I wanted a therapist who could come in and decompress with her – someone, besides us, who can talk to her about everything that is going on.

  So her therapist came.  She is very nice, very to the point, and easy to talk to.  I’m just not sure that our mindsets and parenting theories are necessarily in sync.  We talked about what we’ve been seeing in between visits, the ridiculousness that is bed time, and we went over background info.

 

  Essentially what I heard was this:

 

• Stop worrying so much over the emotional impact of the way you parent her.
• Her behaviors are primarily attention seeking.
• You are not being strict enough.

 

  I told her that at bedtime, sometimes we go on two hours of her crying for her Mommy, needing her back rubbed, talking through what her parents are probably doing, and talking about how much longer it is until her next visit.  I told her this in an effort to explain the deep emotional impact that the transitions back and forth are having on her.

  I was told that this bedtime routine is simply her trying to get attention, and that she’s figured out that if she cries that I will stay in there (some nights, this is true, I will admit that.).  I need to do our bedtime routine, leave, ignore her cries, and in three days it will stop.

 

A.K.A. : Behavior Modification.

 

But seriously, she’s four.  She’s away from her family.  She is going back and forth between completely different environments, expectations, and structures.  What I hear from that advice is : Ignore that she is hurting in ways she doesn’t understand, and then she’ll stop telling you.

This is not a solution. 

I honestly don’t think it’s possible for a four year old to go through that, and then have behaviors that are not derived from the pain of their circumstance.  Sure, some of her behaviors are attention seeking : because she needs attention.

What happened to fulfilling the cycle of need?

 

  I know there are probably a lot of people this therapist sees that just want the behaviors to stop.  Sometimes, in the thick of it, that’s what I want too.

  But really what I want is to know how I can best love her and support her emotionally through the behaviors.

 

  I guess I’m just disappointed.  I’ve tried really hard to develop our parenting practices in therapeutic ways, and it makes me bristle to hear advice from a therapist that does not take into account the hurt that her little heart is carrying.

  I also know that therapeutic parenting is often in pretty strong discord with many accepted parenting techniques.  But I’m not here to get pats on the back for turning my traumatized children’s behavior around over night – I’m here to comfort the hurt that causes it.

 

  So where do we go when our therapists are telling us that we should just treat the behaviors as if these children have had everything they ever needed and more?  I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t wait  to get to    This Conference. 

Because there is a reason that foster and adoptive parents struggle with behaviors more than other parents, and it’s not because we’re all incapable of being consistent.

 

(P.S. If you need book or video resources on therapeutic parenting and you’re at a loss, please e-mail me – I am happy to send you some!  It will make you feel less crazy, and help you understand where all this behavior is coming from!)