Unorganized update.

 

Updating on Bella’s case would be like giving a second by second report on the goings on of a elementary school playground teeter-totter. 

Not that there have even been a lot of ups lately – actually none.  Lots and lots of downward spiral.  It feels like in the last three months the case has imploded on itself.

 

Of course, we’re rarely informed of exactly what is going on, so we’re just hanging on by the skin of our teeth while this roller coaster daily changes where we think our family will be six months from now.

 

 

We’re doing a second visit with Bella’s sister July 3-5 – (long story on why it has taken so long for a second visit.  Not worth the drama).  As long as it goes well, we are hoping that maybe she could move in before we go to Horn Creek Foster and Adoptive Family Camp – which would be super exciting and a great bonding experience as she enters our family.

I’m not sure the likelihood of that, as the caseworkers have been pretty preoccupied with Mom and Dad’s shenanigans here lately.  Also, if things continue as they are – that would definitely make 5 kids 5 and under as of January. 

 

Right now we’re trying to prepare ourselves for the possibility of adoption, while still investing ourselves in reunification efforts.  Although, I have to admit, I’m feeling pretty frustrated at this point.  I feel like we have worked really hard to support reunification in this case – and in many instances it feels like Mom and Dad are just throwing it all away.  Trying not to lose hope.

 

 

 

On a positive note:  Three weeks ago they reduced her visits from weekend overnights, to two hour supervised visits once per week.  (This is not so positive…but…)  Since they cut them back, Bella has not puked AT ALL.  Not one anxiety puke, not one food struggle puke.  Nothing.  Holy cow, I cannot explain to you how exciting that is!  The food struggle is absolutely still there, but has become easier since the decrease in visits, and she is clearly happier, more at peace, and actually able to enjoy herself.  It is such a blessing to see joy in her eyes again. 

Which has me praying that what ever direction this case is going to take, that it would just get on with it already.  She has been with us for one year as of next week, and if anything, we are in a worse place now than we were at the start – absolutely no sign of consistent progress.  I think some solid calls need to be made, that’s for sure.

 

 

  On a final sidenote – Bella started dance classes last week, and it was stinkin’ adorable.  Not that she had much interest in actually doing what the teacher said – she was a bit cautious to begin with, but I think as time goes on she’ll get into it.  4 and 5 year olds in leotards?  Too cute.

A beautiful surprise.

  But you know, how surprised can you really be?  Everyone likes to remind us that we shouldn’t really be surprised.  Touché.  It’s just not exactly what we were expecting.

 

  But we are.  Expecting, that is.  As of Wednesday, I started my 12th week of pregnancy number three.  (That means less than a week left of the first trimester – thank you Lord!!)

 

  This is not what we had planned, although I know that this little baby growing inside of me was in fact planned and is coming to us with another whole story to tell, with their own big purpose.

  If you don’t believe me that this wasn’t on my schedule – the proof lies in my due date.  January 2nd.  Ok, if there were any day of the year I would pick not to give birth?  New years.  If there were any time of the year I would not choose to give birth?  Christmas season.  Nope, God had this one up his sleeve – but we feel so blessed.

 

  I have felt very different this pregnancy than I did with either of the girls.  I have been MUCH more sick (although the nausea and exhaustion are waning!!!), feel much more hormonal, and just feel different in general.  Boy?  Maybe.  Or maybe I’m just pregnant with three children 4 and under, thereby increasing my exhaustion, exemplifying my nausea, and wearing at my hormonal lack of patience. 

Time will tell.

I’m not sure how much time.  We’re not sure if we’ll find out the sex this time.  Although I said that with Naomi.  And I caved in the ultrasound office.  Part of me says that if it is a boy, I might like some mental prep time – ya know, since we’ve got three girls with a probable fourth moving in soon.  Brian wants to find out.  I say the odds are about 60/40.  60% chance we’ll find out.  40% chance that maybe, maybe we won’t find out.

 

I am so excited that my midwife who attended Naomi’s birth is who I am seeing this time too.  We are planning for a home birth this time around and I am super excited about it.  PoppSecret #3 is on (his?)(her) their way!!

 

 

  Little, little baby,  (although you’re already 2 1/2 inches long!) I am beyond excited to meet you.  I can’t wait to kiss your little fingers and smell your scent.  Your sisters are very excited about you too.  Sylvia wants you to be a boy.  Bella wants you to be a girl.  Naomi doesn’t care (I don’t think?).  I just want you healthy and in my arms.  Things are pretty crazy out here – we’re bringing you into a house of straight chaos.  I’m sure you’ll quickly catch on and add to the craziness.

  When you get here, you might have four sisters, or you might have two – but you can be sure that you’ll be loved.  Soon I’ll start to feel you move, and we’ll start getting to know one another, long before you make your appearance.  Know that I already love you, and I will always love you.  I am already praying for you, and I cannot wait to meet you and get to know the little personality that God is forming as we speak.  I am so excited to be your Mama.

 

  Love you, love you, love you,

                                Mama

Sister visits, and other random pictures.

Last week Bella’s sister came for a pre-placement visit.  They are looking into having her move in with us, and we decided we wanted a couple trial runs first.  She is one month older than Sylvia.  There were definitely some interesting dynamics that played out over the week, but overall it went really well.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Tootaw, as we will affectionately call her (after all, that’s her nickname…) was overall a relatively easy kid – for a two year old that is.  Of course, ya know, honeymoon and all that.

 

 

 

 

They were definitely thrilled to be together.

 

 

 

Everybody dancing around in the tutus that Aunt Jill made them.  Thanks Aunt Jill!

 

 

 

Making popcorn for movie night.

 

 

We’ve definitely not made any official decisions on having a fourth child age four or under…we plan on doing another pre-placement visit before we decide.  Always big decisions…  lots to consider.  She’s super sweet though!

Weary.

 

Things have been a bit quiet here at the blog as of late.

Not so much in real life.  Which is why I’ve been so silent.  I have had about 500 things I would have liked to blog about.  But I was probably cleaning up vomit.

 

Life has bewildered me lately.  I can think of no better word than weary to describe the state of my soul two days ago.

 

For some reason, I began to let all of the ups and downs, ins and outs (of partially digested food, that is), and free-falls of Bella’s case to wear me out.  I think I began to allow them to wear me out much earlier than I would like to admit, and it all just piled up in my soul, just leaving me feeling incapable of dealing with it.

 

It was a mixture of the puke, the lice (again, and again), the increase, decrease, and sometimes cancellation of visits, the treatments and appointments for Bella’s disease,  the searing pain that I see ravaging my little girl’s heart, and all of the behaviors that go along with said pain (which have only increased.).  And the puke.  Did I already mention that?  The puke?

 

Weary.

 

I was not in a good place.  I was struggling with blaming Bella for behaviors, feelings, and vomit that were not her fault.

 

But, the Lord give rest to the weary.  (amen!)

And it came to this Mama through a wonderful, blessed little think we around here like to call R.E.S.P.I.T.E.  (sung to the tune of Respect, of course.)  Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, Bella is spending the day with another foster mom I know (Brian takes her in the morning and picks her up on his way home.).  We knew that spending the night away would be traumatic for her, so this was our compromise.  Now it’s just like she gets to go play at a friend’s house for the day.

 

Can I tell you that I feel like a whole new person today from two days ago?  I just needed a little mental reprieve.  A chance to reframe my thoughts.  A chance to relax (now you know I was wound when I say taking care of a two year old and a one year old is relaxing).  And a chance to go somewhere without fear that my backseat would be covered in vomit!  The freedom!

 

Already I am better able to love Bella, and able to remind myself just why I love her so much! 

I’ve actually gotten to spend time in prayer today and be reminded that my King is the King of redemption, unyielding love, and infinite strength!  The same God who shut the mouths of the lions and took down Goliath will not leave me alone to fight in my own strength.  He will armor my heart with love and grace.

I’ve also gotten to spend some good, not stressed out, special time with Sylvia and Naomi which has been wonderful.  wonderful.

 

I’m not usually a big respite advocate.  Mostly because I’ve seen it used in hurtful ways.  But I am seriously considering doing a day of daytime respite once every couple of weeks.  It helps me to be a better Mama.

 

That is all.  Off to actually get some cleaning done that is not the mopping of puke.