As Clear as Mud.

I said I’d be honest on here.  And honestly,

We’re not sure what to do.

Zee really seems to be making progress in our home. I feel like our parenting is effective to some degree, he seems to be settling in, it seems like, for him, this is a good place to be.

Jae on the other hand…  He is just very angry.  And rightfully so, I’d be angry too.  Being angry is a normal response in this situation.  However, he also doesn’t know what to do with his anger.  He does alright for a couple of days and then he just explodes.  When he gets angry it’s really as if he loses control.  He throws things, he kicks and hits the wall, he screams, and more recently, he makes threats.

The last time he had a really big explosion was right before Horn Creek.  He was fine one moment, then Brian corrected him about something and told him that he needed to spend a few minutes in his room thinking about it – and he lost it.  And the issue at hand is:

He made a couple of threats toward Sylvia.

He’s made threats toward Brian and I, and really that’s not a serious issue.  I’m a big girl, I can read body language, I know de-escalation techniques, etc.  But Sylvia’s safety is really where we are forced to draw the line.  God has given me responsibility for her safety and her well being. 

So the questions start.

Will he act out on his threats?

Do we assume he will?  Can we assume he won’t?

Where do we draw the line?

Is this his behavior coming to a head?  Or will it get worse?

Are we almost over some ambiguous hump?

Do we decide not to react?  Not to make any harsh calls, until…

Until something does happen?  No, no, that is not ok.

But it feels like to disrupt because of threats is premature.  It feels like we are giving up on them.  Because it’s likely that nothing would ever happen.

But is there a chance?

I am certain that it is best for the boys for them to stay here.  I am not certain that it is the best thing to do.

So here we are.

 

The boys are at an overnight camp this week, and we are taking it as an opportunity to pray a lot about this situation.  We will follow where God takes us – right now we are just so unclear.

I pray for clarity.  I pray for trust.  I pray for Jae’s heart.  I pray for our discernment.

I plan on discussing this more with our caseworker and their therapist.  I’d also like to see how things are after we get back into a routine after camp.  At this moment, we are taking some time, I don’t know how much, to assess the situation and really feel like we are doing what needs to be done. 

If you could pray for Jae, and for our discernment, we would so appreciate it.  This is one of the things I hate about fostering.  Every decision has such weight.  Every decision is a big deal. None of them are easy. None of them are clear cut. 

 

Colorado

Well, we just got back from Horn Creek.  It was great – I’m not really even sure where to start…

The first 24 hours were rough for the boys.  They ended up having to spend a significant amount of time in the cabin as a consequence for their behavior.  We went out to dinner after we arrived, and they did all they could to make sure they made a scene.  I was afraid that night was a preview of our week to come…but overall they did pretty well for the rest of the week.  We had a few bumps, but nothing major.

There was so much for us to do together, and in the down time we didn’t have to worry about who the kids were running around with, so we just got to let them run and play.  They made a pretty substantial fort against a boulder, explored the woods surrounding the cabin, and made lots of friends.

So much fun, I’ll probably have to do it in two posts.

 

This is the part where I have to close my eyes and hold my breath until my husband regains his sanity.

 

Zee spending some extended time in the cabin after making some ‘bad decisions’.  At least he’s happy!

 

One night they hang a log from the ceiling, two people straddle it without touching the floor, and you have a pillow fight until someone falls off – great fun!

One day we went into Colorado Springs and went to Whit’s End.  And Adventures in Odyssey fans out there?

 

mmmm….Sylvie loves her some ice cream.

 

We also went to Garden of the Gods – gorgeous.

The boys did some climbing.

Sylvie did some climbing of her own…

 

One morning we had a pancake breakfast, but you have to catch your pancakes as they’re flipped off the griddle – Sylvia obviously was not a fan of this idea.

 

Bowling at the rec center… Jae has an…interesting form.

 

Western night!

Both the boys developed severe crushes on a couple of the teenage girls…

Sylvie even developed a little crush of her own…

Psalm 127:1-5

“Unless the lord builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat

for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,

children a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”

 

 

Happy Father’s Day Brian, Daddy,

   Love,

       Cassandra, Mena, Alondra, Jose, Alan, Jacob, Jason, Morrel, X-man, Popcorn, Kady, GG, Zee, Jae, and Sylvie.  And Maggie.  We love you more than you know.

Project 365 – Week 18

I missed a week.  Which makes me sad.  We were in Colorado, and why would I spend a bunch of time posting pictures when I could be out on the side of a mountain soaking up God’s b-e-a-utiful creation?  So, I’d say it’s justified.

 

Driving in the mountains on our way to camp.

 

Exploring camp with my Daddy.

 

This picture really captures Zee so well…spidering up the side of a rock with a wild look in his eyes.

 

Me and my Grandpa!

 

How cute is this little man?

(If anyone from SRS does read this blog – it’s IBC Rootbeer.  No worries.)

 

Napping on my Mommy during a hike through the forests of Colorado.  Does it get better than this?

 

The whole fam.

 

 

More to come on our trip to Colorado….

We are here.

And it is spectacular.
The kids are having a great time.
With the exception of the first 24 hours, the boys behavior has been decent.
All of our meals are served.  And I don't have to do any dishes.
Hikes.  Waterslides.  Horseback Riding.

Ahhhh.

Catching up on all this mess.

Oh man.  Summer is definitely here, and with all three of these crazies running around all the time, getting posts up is like planting flowers in the middle of a hurricane.  I am, however, loving summer time.  I love actually having time to do fun things with the boys, going to the pool, not being constrained by a school schedule, and getting to see the boys experience all kinds of new things.

Zee is really doing so well.  We still have issues on occasion, but overall he generally gets about 2 out of 4 marbles a day – which is huge!  He is very open about his emotions, which I think is helping him to deal with and get through his situation pretty well.

Of course then at their last visit, their caseworker (who I’m beginning to think is a genius.  A regular Einstein.)  talked to them about the next court hearing.  I’m not sure exactly what she said, but they came home saying, “On the 28th, we are either going home with our mom, going home with our dad, or we are being adopted by someone.”  Now, obviously none of these things will be happening on the 28th.  So we’ve had lots of conversations about what the court does, and that it is likely that nothing will happen on the 28th.  So the boys have taken sides, Jae wants to go with mom, Zee wants to go with dad.  But pretty frequently Zee will say thing like, “Maggie, when you adopt us, will our last name be Popp?” or “Brian, when you adopt us, will Nana and Grandpa be our real grandparents?”

Talk about ripping your heart out.  Adoption isn’t even on our radar screen yet – we’ll just have to see.  So we also have lots of conversations about how we don’t know what will happen yet, but that we’ll find out together.  And of course that we love them no matter what happens.

Speaking of ripping your heart out, Zee came home yesterday from Vacation Bible School and told us that he’s pretty sure a girl there has just stolen his heart. 

Awwwwww.

It went something like this:

Zee:  There’s this girl, at VBS, and I’m pretty sure I like her.

Me: (Holding back all of my awwww’s and motherly grins.)  Oh really?  What’s her name?

Zee:  Well…..I’m not really sure.

Me: I see.  Well, how do you know you like her?

Zee:  Well, she’s really nice.  She let me wrap her like a mommy. (aka mummy – Egyptian themed VBS)  And she’s cute.

Me: Well what does she look like?

Zee: She has brown hair, and it’s pretty long.  It’s really pretty.

 

Awwwwwww.

I just keep pumping him with the ‘girls are trouble’ routine.  He’s only 8.  No girlfriends yet.

 

Jae is having a lot more trouble.  He’ll do fine for a while, and then he just. explodes.  It is a fury in his eyes, and he loses control.  He screams and throws and hits things and makes threats.  All we can do is send him to his room until he cools off, and then try to talk to him about it.  I’ve had some intense conversations with his therapist about it, because he just makes me a little nervous around Sylvia sometimes.  Right now he just doesn’t have the capability to feel very much but anger.  My heart hurts for his.

Of course, last night we were on our way home from Brian’s softball game and he randomly says:

“Look how beautiful the city looks at night.”  And points out his car window.

I could have cried.  I mean, this kid has himself and his heart sealed up with super glue, and then out of nowhere he is commenting on how beautiful the Days Inn looks against the night sky. 

 

Anyway, this has turned into a ridiculously long post.  If I posted more often I’d keep them shorter.  We’ll see what I can do.

Now I have to go finish packing all five of us for our seven day vacation in the mountains in Colorado!  Jae, you’ve not seen beautiful yet, you just wait.

So Perfect.

Introducing:  Desmond McKean!!

My new nephew born June 8, 2010

 

So perfect!  Makes me want to go for baby number two!