I said I’d be honest on here. And honestly,
We’re not sure what to do.
Zee really seems to be making progress in our home. I feel like our parenting is effective to some degree, he seems to be settling in, it seems like, for him, this is a good place to be.
Jae on the other hand… He is just very angry. And rightfully so, I’d be angry too. Being angry is a normal response in this situation. However, he also doesn’t know what to do with his anger. He does alright for a couple of days and then he just explodes. When he gets angry it’s really as if he loses control. He throws things, he kicks and hits the wall, he screams, and more recently, he makes threats.
The last time he had a really big explosion was right before Horn Creek. He was fine one moment, then Brian corrected him about something and told him that he needed to spend a few minutes in his room thinking about it – and he lost it. And the issue at hand is:
He made a couple of threats toward Sylvia.
He’s made threats toward Brian and I, and really that’s not a serious issue. I’m a big girl, I can read body language, I know de-escalation techniques, etc. But Sylvia’s safety is really where we are forced to draw the line. God has given me responsibility for her safety and her well being.
So the questions start.
Will he act out on his threats?
Do we assume he will? Can we assume he won’t?
Where do we draw the line?
Is this his behavior coming to a head? Or will it get worse?
Are we almost over some ambiguous hump?
Do we decide not to react? Not to make any harsh calls, until…
Until something does happen? No, no, that is not ok.
But it feels like to disrupt because of threats is premature. It feels like we are giving up on them. Because it’s likely that nothing would ever happen.
But is there a chance?
I am certain that it is best for the boys for them to stay here. I am not certain that it is the best thing to do.
So here we are.
The boys are at an overnight camp this week, and we are taking it as an opportunity to pray a lot about this situation. We will follow where God takes us – right now we are just so unclear.
I pray for clarity. I pray for trust. I pray for Jae’s heart. I pray for our discernment.
I plan on discussing this more with our caseworker and their therapist. I’d also like to see how things are after we get back into a routine after camp. At this moment, we are taking some time, I don’t know how much, to assess the situation and really feel like we are doing what needs to be done.
If you could pray for Jae, and for our discernment, we would so appreciate it. This is one of the things I hate about fostering. Every decision has such weight. Every decision is a big deal. None of them are easy. None of them are clear cut.
Oh Maggie Popp! I feel for you. You mentioned a therapist... is there any chance he could get more help? And, do you feel he's old enough to hear how that makes you guys feel? That you can tell him how much you want him and you want to help him feel better and that you're scared his threats may cause disruption of your family. Perhaps that would give him too much power.
ReplyDeleteI certianly don't have any answers, but will being praying for all of you!
Oh Maggie Popp! I feel for you. You mentioned a therapist... is there any chance he could get more help? And, do you feel he's old enough to hear how that makes you guys feel? That you can tell him how much you want him and you want to help him feel better and that you're scared his threats may cause disruption of your family. Perhaps that would give him too much power.
ReplyDeleteI certianly don't have any answers, but will being praying for all of you!
I suppose this is quite obvious but...have you made it clear to him that threats to the baby will NOT be tolerated (and that consequences will be severe)? And have you developed more serious consequences than just time out for such threats - like losing all his stickers, or taking away some priveledge he really values..
ReplyDeleteIt would be sad to see them go, but this behavior really isn't ok, and you can't really say "don't threaten the baby or you'll have to leave"..
Amy has it right. And I am sure you do too. But he needs VERY SEVERE consequences for this. Not the same when he threatens you, but so that he knows that a line was crossed - not the ones he crosses everyday - but one that CANNOT and WILL NOT be tolerated. It sounds harsh, but he will learn.
ReplyDeleteI don't think you have to say "don't threaten or you will have to leave..." But I think it would be in to all of your benifits just to be honest. I would be very frank with him. I would sit him down an tell him what you told us... God has given you this baby to keep safe, to hold, and to nurture. And you cannot allow people in the house if they threaten that safety. I know that's hard though.
Best of luck.
Your family will be in my prayers. This is not an easy road and I know the boys have benefited so much from the time they have spent with you. I hope this break gives you some clarity and you can feel peaceful with whatever you decide to do.
ReplyDeleteOh, Maggie...I am so sorry. SO sorry. I have absolutely no advice...just a promise that I will be on my knees for your family (all of you) all week. ALL WEEK.
ReplyDelete((HUGS))
Oh, I'm sorry it's come to this, but I understand. As we continue to sit with an empty spot that could be filled by a foster child, I know it's because our criteria is so selective. But I just can't change it, the safety of my children come first. That is the first responsibility - it has to be. You are Silvie's protector, what the boys did not have. Don't be ashamed for acting in that role.
ReplyDeleteThat said - I think he's pushing this button because it gets a reaction. That's what they do, escalate and change tactics until they find one that works. Obviously this threat with Silvie effects you, which is what he wants. I don't necessarily think it's about Silvie - it's about how much he hurts, he wants you to understand how much he hurts by hurting you. The anger is a cover for the real feelings.(That last sentence is an almost direct quote from Christine at welcometomybrain.net)
God will help you make the right decision.
ok, there are a few things I have to suggest
ReplyDelete- have you read Beyond Consequences by Heather Forbes, if not I would really suggest that you do, it made me look at my children in a whole different way.
- I doubt he is going to follow thorugh on the threats, he ahs learned some where along the the line that it works and that it gets a reaction, if you stop reacting he will stop threatening, giving him a consquence is reacting and he will continue. Clavin used to threatedn to hurt me he also used to threatedn to do other things like hurt the animals or burn down the house. The day that he said he would burn the house down I offered to get him some matches as soon as I was done what I was doing, he just stared at me and then I talked about how I would happily let him burn down the house as soon as we got all the people out and they were safe, nothing else mattered becasue it was just stuff but people could not be replaced. He was speechless, we have similar conversations whenever he threatedns anything at all and I must say there are a lot less threats now and when he does make them you can see that he regrets it, it is a old pattern and sometimes he falls back to it but quickly tries to fix it.
Good Luck
Thanks all for your suggestions!
ReplyDeleteWe have made it very clear to Jae that threats are not ok. He is disciplined for making threats.
The problem though, is that the actual threats are not the issue. (Kind of like Jen said) If we harshly discipline it, I am sure it will end the threats, but harsh discipline will not change his heart, which is where the danger lies. Does that make sense?
J - Thanks for the advice! I will definitely look into the book. I've considered not reacting at all to the threats, and I'm sure that is what I would do if they weren't against another person. If it was my house, my belongings, even me, then I would test to see if he was going to follow through. But I can't do that when the threat is toward another child, on the off chance that he would follow through. The risks are too high.