He’s not finished with me yet.

thank GOODNESS.

I’ve not ever really felt my flesh, myself, my soul, fighting with God’s will more than I have in our fostering experience.  I know that I conflict with what God has for me regularly (aka: sin.) but with fostering I can feel the pulling on my soul going back and forth between what I would selfishly choose, and what I know God’s will for me is.  It sometimes feels like tug-of-war. {You’d think at some point I’d realize that I’m no good at this game.}

Don’t get me wrong.  I find joy in fostering.  Every day.  I also find joy in knowing that I am where God wants me to be.  But I have absolutely had to focus my eyes on Him in order to continually want what he wants for me. (This is where you say, ‘um, duh Maggie.’ - but I think in most things in my life it has been easier to want what he wants than it is in fostering.  Not sure if any of this makes sense.  But oh well.)

Sometimes I find myself longing for our family to be only Brian, Sylvie, and I.  Sometimes I long for the ease of not having to battle out everything, not having to think about parental visits, court, and therapy.  I long to be able to wake up in the morning and just be able to take my kids to the park or the pool without having to weigh when their last visit was, how they are dealing with their emotions as of late, and whether or not I think that the whole trip will implode leaving me with two angry children who are calling me names across the parking lot while people watch and shake their heads.

I’m just being honest.

I know that right now, this is what God wants for us.  And most of the time, I love it and I am happy this is the path he has chosen for us.  I guess that sometimes I just wish it felt more normal.  But I guess that’s not the point.  God’s not much for letting us be comfortable with the way things are. 

This is why I was so hesitant to make more strict boundaries on which kids we can/cannot take placement for.  I had to be sure I was really being honest with myself.  Am I making these boundaries just to make myself feel more comfortable?  Because I’m trying to control what our family looks like instead of trusting Him?  Or am I setting these limits because I feel that it is what God would have us to do for our family?  I had to make sure I wasn’t just letting my selfishness get in the way of what God was doing.  After a lot of prayer, I feel like we’ve made some good decisions regarding boundaries.  I feel at peace about them.

I know the enemy uses my love for Sylvia to make me second guess fostering.  Is it the best thing for her?  How will it effect her childhood?  Should I be spending more time with just her?  What if….? (Not that it isn’t my job to think about these things – I just need to think about them while trusting instead of while worrying.)  All of these things come into my head instead of just trusting that He loves her more than I ever could and that His will is what is best.

 

I guess this all really comes down to Him refining me.  Ugh, I just wish it were easier!  Ha!  Lord, it appears you still have some a lot of work to do.  At least I can know He’s not given up on me!