Last night after you fell asleep I was laying there looking at you, and I was thinking about what a miracle you are and how much I love you.
This breaks my heart. But I also think you have the cutest cry ever.
I’ve decided that I don’t think you’ll ever understand how much I love you. Even after you become a Mommy, I don’t think you can fathom it – it’s just that much. I will discipline you and try to teach you. I will try to offer grace and to show you what love is. Sometimes you will think I am being mean, unreasonable, you won’t understand why I don’t just let you do whatever you want, you’ll swear I just don’t understand you, you will forget that I’ve been there. I will do it all out of love for you, in hopes that someday you will understand. I wish you could understand now, but I know it’s a process. Sometimes I wish that I could just make all of your decisions for you, but I know you have to learn. I love you more than you know, and I hope that in the end, that is the conclusion you come to.
After all of these thoughts flooded through my head, I realized that much of it is probably what God wishes for me – in fact I could probably go back to that paragraph and read it as a letter from Him.
Maybe that’s part of God’s plan in being a Mommy. To give us just a glimpse of how He feels for us, how much He loves us, His heart for us. And if this is just a glimpse, it is true that I will never be able to fathom the true immensity of His love. I am grateful for this glimpse. For this opportunity to experience love for someone that outweighs all else.
You are the happiest baby. I said that about your sister too – but I’m pretty sure you’re even happier than her. You are always smiling and giggling and you look at me like I am the best thing you’ve ever laid eyes on. It melts me. The only time you fuss is if you’re really hungry, but even that is rare.
You love your sisters, but I think you have a proper fear of them. When you hear Sylvia’s voice coming closer you get a little bit of a concerned look on your face and look at me for reassurance. “You’re going to save me, right mom?” Sylvia loves you, she’s just lacking in self control – soon you’ll be the same way and then I think you’ll both just perpetually have black eyes or something.
I left you with someone else for the first time this week. That first time is always difficult, a little like I can’t catch my breath. You did pretty well – but you missed your Mommy – and to be honest, I’m alright with that.
You roll like crazy now. You also laugh like crazy, and I’m afraid that you took after me and are terribly ticklish. You’ll love that until your about 20. You’re laid back right now – a very easy baby – but you are very, very squirmy, which makes me think that you might be just as active as your sister. This leaves Mommy feeling a little nervous.
At your 2 month appointment you were 10lbs. 6oz. – small, to be expected. And I can’t wait to see what you are at your 4 month appointment!
Your cousins are crazy about you.
I love you. You are awesome, and beautiful, and (given that smile) in a few short years you will be able to talk your Daddy into anything. Be kind with that.
Love you, love you, love you,