Popps….postponed.

 

Well, last week, on Thursday to be exact, Bella and Tootaw were supposed to become Popps.  Way back in May at the TPR trial, the judge set a hearing for December 5th stating that should give the agency plenty of time to complete the adoption.  (Especially since TPR had already been handled and they didn’t have to do a best interest staffing.)

But, here we are.

Not only did we not get to finalize the adoption last week, but the agency has not even started our homestudy.  We’re on our third set of caseworkers since July.  In July, the state switched the agency that is carrying the girls case and we’ve been less than impressed and frankly pretty underwhelmed at their competency.

Needless to say, I’m frustrated.  Annoyed.  If I knew who I could be calling (who seemed to care or have any control over the situation), I’d be on the phone.

 

…This is nothing that any of you who have fostered or fostered to adopt don’t understand.  The reality of working as part of a system that is utterly broken.

 

 

BUT…

Someday soon it will be official.

Someday soon we will walk out of a court building holding hands and imagining our forever future together.

Someday soon.  Just postponed.

 

As Bella said to me the other night,

“Mommy, I wonder what it will feel like when we really are here forever?”

I don’t have to wonder long sweet girl.  It will be one of the very best days of my life.

Hope in something bigger.

We found out that a couple of relatives have come forward for the kids.  We knew this was a possibility, but frankly, it just didn’t seem likely.

 

We are disappointed to say the least.  Frustrated.  Hurting, to be honest.  We have spent every free moment for the last month picturing life with six kids.  Figuring out room arrangements.  Test driving vehicles.  Figuring out vacation plans for the summer.  Preparing our hearts to have six children.

 

Of course, we are praying for and ultimately hoping for whatever is in the best interest of the kids.

 

Initially, it was hard not to be angry.  Still, that would be the easy response.  Why would God present this opportunity only for it to fall through?  Why can’t something just work out?  What does this mean?  What next?

 

But I was reading this morning and was reminded that God does not dangle good things in front of us just to criticize us for wanting it, and then to take it away as some kind of discipline.  This was not in any way, just a tease.

I choose to trust in knowing that he never tells us ‘no’ out of spite or malice, He tells me no only in love, for my best interest, and for His glory.  He tells me ‘no’ because He knows me better than any other, and only He knows what is truly best for me.  He tells me ‘no’ because he has something else in mind that I am too short-sighted to see.

 

I also rest in knowing that I don’t have to figure out ‘what this means’.  Because, quite simply, it just means that he is saying, “not right now, not this, something else.”

I follow Him through disappointment because He is the only one who knows what is on the other side.

 

I am also aware that it is our hearts and our obedience that God wants, not an outcome and not ‘success’.  Whatever I view as the ‘end’ is skewed unless it is simply following Jesus faithfully.  HE is the end.  And he asks me to follow Him through a journey, not to a destination.

 

It is still possible that the kids end up with us if the relatives don’t pan out (like the last three didn’t).  I don’t know, we’ll see.  I pray that whatever is in their best interest is what happens, whether that includes us or not.

 

More learning.  More refining.

I will wait on Him. 

I will find peace in His will.