Popps….postponed.

 

Well, last week, on Thursday to be exact, Bella and Tootaw were supposed to become Popps.  Way back in May at the TPR trial, the judge set a hearing for December 5th stating that should give the agency plenty of time to complete the adoption.  (Especially since TPR had already been handled and they didn’t have to do a best interest staffing.)

But, here we are.

Not only did we not get to finalize the adoption last week, but the agency has not even started our homestudy.  We’re on our third set of caseworkers since July.  In July, the state switched the agency that is carrying the girls case and we’ve been less than impressed and frankly pretty underwhelmed at their competency.

Needless to say, I’m frustrated.  Annoyed.  If I knew who I could be calling (who seemed to care or have any control over the situation), I’d be on the phone.

 

…This is nothing that any of you who have fostered or fostered to adopt don’t understand.  The reality of working as part of a system that is utterly broken.

 

 

BUT…

Someday soon it will be official.

Someday soon we will walk out of a court building holding hands and imagining our forever future together.

Someday soon.  Just postponed.

 

As Bella said to me the other night,

“Mommy, I wonder what it will feel like when we really are here forever?”

I don’t have to wonder long sweet girl.  It will be one of the very best days of my life.

Everything Case Related.

 

 

  So I haven’t kept up with things at all here lately – although not due to laziness, that’s for sure.  Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I had pictured having Vida and then getting to avoid dealing with case-related stuff while I soaked up my family of seven.

  But caseworkers kept calling.  Therapists kept scheduling.  Visits kept happening.  Lots has happened.

 

  Regarding the upcoming termination trial – I am now sure that we (everyone excepting Mom’s attorney) are all on the same page as far as what needs to happen at this trial.  The girls need permanency, and at this point if you asked Bella where she wanted to be, it would be here.  Mom has made very little progress (very.) and with us going on two years in this case we need to find an end.

 

  The Make a Wish foundation came out and visited with us (!!) and Bella made her wish.  Sometime at the end of April or the beginning of May we will all be going to Disney World to have a meal with the princesses in their castle.  We will be there for 6 nights and 7 days, during which time we will try not to lose any of our five very small children.  I can’t tell you how excited I am for this.  I was so frustrated that it took so long for Make a Wish to process Bella’s case (due to the red tape with her being in foster care), but the timing could not be more perfect because:

 

  MARCH 22 IS THE END OF CANCER TREATMENT!!!  As of March 22 we will not have any more chemo, no more lumbar punctures, no more steroids, no more administering 8-10 meds at a time, no more holding our breath while waiting for her ANC levels to come back.  No. More.  So, along with it being shortly after the termination hearing, the trip will also land very shortly after the end of treatment.  So, our meal with the princesses will be one big party – thanking God that our sweet girl is healed, that we can all move past cancer and give it the big boot out of our lives.  AMEN.

 

  Unfortunately, amid all of this good news we’ve had some ups and downs with the girls.  They have continued to have one hour supervised visits with their mom – during which she made some very irresponsible promises.  i.e. promises about them going home forever.  This is not going to happen under any reasonable circumstances, and it completely stressed Bella out.  She was completely dis-regulated most of Christmas.  After the baby came it was completely stressing me out because she wasn’t acting like herself at all.  After her mom made these promises, her food issues began to surface again.  Refusal to eat, puking a couple times a day, coming home with a full lunch box.

  Our friend who drives Bella to school even mentioned that she noticed how stressed out Bella had been, and that then the day after the visit she was completely back to normal.  The visit, I should add, that she missed because she vomited all over the transporter’s car.  I felt so. bad. for him.  He should get a raise.  The next day our friend who drives her to school asked her how her visit went and she answered triumphantly, “I didn’t have to go because I threw up!”  Children should not have to vomit to make themselves heard.  That’s all I have to say.  And they’ve continued visits.  Luckily we’ve been able to deal with the food issues some, and keep most of the puking at bay – but there is still refusal to eat anytime she knows there is a visit approaching.  This week there was no visit – and there have been absolutely no food issues.

 

    We had Tootaw’s assessment shortly before Christmas (wow, I am really behind, huh?) and it confirmed most of what we were seeing.  Essentially they said, yeah, you’re totally right, we see these things too.  To which I said, “Wheeew”.  Because otherwise I might have thought I was losing it.  At the end of the initial assessment they had a few options: Not to have any further assessment at all, to have her further assessed in one or two areas, or to have a global assessment done of all areas.  They recommended the global assessment.  We have three appointments coming up where they will assess her in our home, through play therapy at their office, and then an appointment to tell us what all she qualifies for.  At that time, whoever she qualifies to work with (occupational therapist, language therapist, etc.) will begin coming to our home to work with her.  I think they will likely also recommend that she go into the early childhood special education pre-school as of next fall.

 

  In the midst of all of this, we have switched caseworkers…..again…..which hopefully won’t be too detrimental to the termination trial.

 

  I think (?) that’s most of what’s been going on as far as the girls case goes.  How has all of this happened while simultaneously adding a new baby to the family?  That is a good question.  Some days it feels completely overwhelming when I think of all our family constantly has going on – but most days it just feels like normal.  Our normal.  Which is never really all that normal.

And it continues.

  I’ve been a little quiet since the hearing last week and all that has happened since then.  Thank you to all who e-mailed, texted, called, and prayed.  I think I just needed a little time to frame my mind around all of it and be sure that I was at least within throwing distance of the right attitude before I talked about it much.

 

  I feel like we all (everyone on the case plan team) went into the hearing rather confident of what would happen.  The caseworker had already changed the case plan goal to adoption at the previous case plan meeting, an adoption worker was assigned, etc. 

  At this point, seven years into my experience in child welfare, I am convinced that if there is something that the court can do to throw you for a loop and/or neglect very important issues brought up in court reports, they will.

 

  Basically what happened was this:

The county attorney still had not filed the motion for severance.  This is why court was postponed for four weeks at the previous hearing.  All so that this attorney could file one piece of paperwork.

  Because the motion had not been filed, they could not legally set a hearing for termination of parental rights.  So this time, I guess to make sure they gave Mr. county attorney plenty of time to file his paperwork, they set the hearing out until January 13th. 

  In the meantime, the court ordered that the girls continue to have weekly visits with Mom and that her ‘progress’ be tracked.  This makes so much sense, since just in the last four weeks that she’s been in the picture, after being MIA for over 6 months, she has missed a visit, failed to be at Bella’s hospital appointment, and did not bring dinner for the girls at the visit that she did show up to.

 

  I wish that Bella and Tootaw would be able to go home.  I prayed for it incessantly for the first 12 months of the case.  We did everything we could to support mom and dad toward reunification.  I will forever mourn the hurt that the girls will experience for the rest of their lives due to not being able to be with their birth parents.

  But it is clearly not going to happen.  So at this point we are only picking scabs on two little girls’ devastated hearts.

 

 

Since resuming visits, Bella has started throwing up again and we are seeing the first traces of the same food issues that we had previously.  Tootaw completely regresses in potty training after every visit, and by the time we make any progress it is time for another visit.  They are so confused.

 

 

With that said, I am at a place where I am at peace with where God has us.  This is not His first intention for the girls.  This is a result of brokenness and sin and hurt.  But He will not leave them here alone.  He will use all of this – His scope reaches infinitely farther than mine.

And I know He will heal them in time.  I see it in Bella’s giggle, in how she is choosing to call us Mommy and Daddy now, in her gorgeous hair (which is now down past her shoulders!).  I see it in Tootaw’s attachment to Brian’s daddy love, in her smile and innocence, and in the easy way she has become a part of our family.  He will heal them.  He is healing them.  And no postponed court hearing is going to get in the way of that.

Bossing our hearts.

As we come up on the girls hearing this Thursday, and with all that has popped up in the case in the last three weeks, I find myself struggling with so many emotions.  In the up and down and back and forth it is so easy for me, in my mind, to exchange emotion for truth, and lies for what I know to be true.

 

I have had to constantly center myself with what I know is true.

With what I have been promised.

With the love that has been lavished on me.

 

I feel angry at Bella and Tootaw’s Mom for the continued trauma, the seeming lack of judgment for the girls’ good.  And while I think that unjust things that hurt His children make God angry too, I have to remind myself,

Better a patient man than a warrior, a man who controls his temper than one who takes a city.  [Proverbs 16:32]

and to

Get rid of all bitterness, rage and anger, brawling and slander, along with every from of malice.  Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you.  [Ephesians 4:31-32]

 

 

I feel afraid of what will happen at the hearing on Thursday.  That they will extend this hell for my children instead of allowing us to heal.  But then I remember,

Have I not commanded you?  Be strong and courageous.  Do not be terrified; do not be discouraged, for the Lord your God will be with you wherever you go.       [Joshua 1:9]

For I am the Lord, your God, who takes hold of your right hand and says to you, Do not fear; I will help you.  [Isaiah 41:13]

 

 

I question why my girls have to go through this.  Why it has to hurt before it gets better.  But He reminds me,

The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save.  He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with his love, he will rejoice over you with singing.     [Zephaniah 3:17]

And so we know and rely on the love God has for us.  God is love.  Whoever lives in love lives in God, and God in him.  [1 John 4:16]

 

 

I think, what good could come from this?  Why not just restore this now?  Why not just redeem what is broken here?  And lovingly, but firmly, He rebukes,

Where were you when I laid the earth’s foundation?  Tell me, if you understand.  Who marked off it's dimensions?  Surely you know!  Who stretched a measuring line across it?  On what were its footings set, or who laid its cornerstone while the morning stars sang together and all the angels shouted for joy?  …Have you journeyed to the springs of the sea or walked in the recesses of the deep?  Have the gates of death been shown to you?  Have you seen the gates of the shadow of death?  Have you comprehended the vast expanses of the earth?  Tell me, if you know all this.  [Job 38:4-6, 16-18]

 

And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose.  [Romans 8:28]

 

 

 

 

So, we will go into Thursday trusting – bossing our hearts and our emotions that are so unreliable.  Knowing that He loves us, and that He has a very different, infinitely more wise, perspective on all that is happening.  I will be praying that they set a hearing for TPR, but will rest in knowing that whatever happens, He will use it all for His glory, which is our good.

Even Hope in the Ashes.

We finally just got a call from the caseworker regarding yesterday’s hearing.

 

The conversation started like this:

Caseworker: Well, I have to call and tell you this, but you aren’t going to like it.

 

If that’s not a stellar set up, then I don’t know what is.

Essentially, this is what happened -

 

I guess in our state, the state has to file a “motion to sever parental rights” before the goal can officially be changed to adoption, or a TPR hearing can be set.  (Different than the state I worked in.)

This motion was not filed prior to the hearing yesterday.  I’m really trying not to feel frustrated (read: irate) about this, because I don’t even know who to be upset at.  I’m not certain who’s responsibility it was to file it.

 

So the state is going to file the motion sometime in the next two weeks, with a new hearing set for October 18th.  Prior to the hearing they will have a conference to determine whether or not enough “progress” has been made to keep them from setting a TPR hearing.  (How could that be possible?  What, so, in the next three weeks we’re going to obtain housing, clean UA’s, a job, therapy, etc.?  I can’t imagine what “enough” is at this point.)  If they can’t find valid progress, on October 18th they will set it out for a TPR hearing.

 

But here’s the kicker.  The judge, in all his wisdom, after reading the court report at the start of the hearing, ordered that between now and October 18th that the girls have visits with Mom.

Really?

Did you miss that part about Bella throwing up 4 times a week while having visits?

And also did you miss that she has a potentially terminal illness that could be effected by that kind of stress on her body?

And that part that talked about how since visits have stopped completely that the girls’ health, behavior, stress and anxiety levels, and food issues have all vastly improved?  What about that?

And I can’t figure out what in the world makes anyone think that Mom is going to be stable and actually stick around for long enough to accomplish anything.  Did we forget that she just showed up out of nowhere after going missing for 6 months?

 

I know what this sounds like – and I am not that foster parent.  Brian and I bent over backward for the better part of this case to support reunification – we were Mom and Dad’s biggest advocates, strongest cheerleaders.

 

But now you’re going to go and screw with my girls – further traumatize them – when it’s clear this case is going nowhere?

 

It’s not a good idea to piss a Mama off like that.

 

 

 

Ugh.

So for now, I will do the only thing that I can do, and that is to take it to Jesus.  I know that in the end, he can work out all things for the good of those that love Him – and I am trusting, that eventually, in time, He will do the same here.

I will pray for my girls.

I will pray for the case.

I will continue to pray for their parents.  For redemption in their lives and healing for their brokenness – just not while they are simultaneously further traumatizing their children.  My children.

Lord, bring beauty from these ashes.  Be glorified.  Show us how to love well when it is so difficult to forgive and let go.  You are here even when it all seems so broken – remind me of my brokenness so that I can love instead of judge, and forgive instead of harbor anger.

You are the loving redeemer.  Redeem this, Lord.  Redeem this.

Uphill from here.

I got a call from the caseworker yesterday letting us know that they were back from court.  The judge ruled that Mom’s home is not appropriate for the kids.  Dad’s homestudy wasn’t approved either.  The case goal will be changed to adoption as soon as the judge has the official paperwork on the failed homestudy for dad – probably early next week.

 

I guess in the grand scheme of things this is a good thing – the boys will be safe and taken care of.  It’s just difficult sometimes to see all of that through their broken hearts.  With all of our previous placements, I’ve always felt relief at the thought of the kids not returning home to the abuse or neglect, or whatever plagued the family.  I’ll get there with the boys too, we just have a lot of hurt to work through first.  It will be nice to be at a point where they are through all of the transitions and we can just start focusing on the healing.

 

One of the questions that I received recently asked if we are open to adoption with Jae and Zee.  There are a lot of unknowns right now that will have to be considered before we can make a decision like that….

• The boys have two other siblings – a girl who is just slightly older than Jae, and a boy who is 5.  We’ve not even met their siblings yet, and they will keep the four of them together for adoption.  (Thank goodness!)
• The boys’ siblings are coming here to visit the weekend of the 10th for an overnight stay.  At that point we’ll be able to see the kids interacting together, family dynamics, etc.  We’ll also be able to get a better feel for behaviors exhibited by the other two.  We’ll have a few overnight visits before we even consider having the other two kids move in with us.
• If they move in, we have to assess how things are going/where we see things going down the road.  Brian and I would still like to have more children (as in birth more children) and we have to be sure we still feel like that would still be a possibility.
• Also, we are still assessing any safety concerns with the boys.  Since camp, there haven’t been any more threats toward Sylvia – only toward Brian.  So far, so good.

 

I could go on.  As you could imagine, it will be a very big, very life changing, very prayed over decision.  …So much to think about.  Right now I’m having trouble thinking past 4:00 today when the boys will return home with their hearts crushed, full of hurt and anger.

A Shelter to Weather the Storm.

Last night was a very rough night. (How many blog posts could I start with that sentence? Ha!)  But really, probably one of the top five worst nights since the boys came to us – almost three months ago – how is that possible?  We were having a wonderful evening, and had just gotten home from practicing their baseball skills at the park.  It was like a buzzer sounded in our house signaling the boys to completely lose it.

One minute we were having lots of fun, and the next minute there was yelling, there was name calling, there were toys being thrown from one end of the house to the other, there were doors slamming, there was screaming, and there was  more disrespect than any one person should endure in one evening.

And really, I would do it all over again.  Because afterward,

Jae talked to me.  Like really talked.

 

He told me how he’s feeling really stressed.  He told me that he just gets mad so quickly, and he doesn’t know how to change it.  He told me the things he’s worried about.  He told me that he’s upset because his birthday next week will be the first one without his mom.  He expressed to me that he doesn’t think that it is ok for him to cry.  He told me how much he misses his mom – how he misses watching t.v. with her, and helping her with the dishes.  He told me how much he misses his other two siblings.  He said sometimes it just feels like he explodes.  He told me the things that he’s sad about should their case go to adoption.  He told me how he’s been praying that he will go home.  He cried.

I listened.  I tried to empathize.  I cried.  I prayed.  I comforted.

It felt so good to actually get to talk to Jae.  Not to his anger, or to the wall he has put up between himself and the world, but actually to him.  We talked about how it feels better to get to talk to someone about all the feelings instead of keeping them inside.

I know that this is not the end of his anger – but it is a beginning.  I can’t help but feel like this is progress, that maybe some very small part of him is beginning to trust me.  There will be lots more hard days, but I pray that with every hard day there is a rainbow like last night – a promise of redemption.

 

Everything in me knows that last night was a result of prayers for his little heart.  Thank you so much for the e-mails letting me know that so many of you are praying for them.  It is making a difference.

 

Today there is a court hearing for the case.  It is likely that today, this afternoon, Mom will be ruled inappropriate for placement, their goal will be changed to adoption, a very strong anchor will be cut from these boys’ lives.  My heart is so broken today – I hurt for these boys deep in my heart. Please pray for them.

Today is likely the worst day of their lives.

Pray for their hearts.  Pray for Brian and I to have wisdom, empathy, and love strong enough to help them through.  I know their hearts will break, but please pray that they are mendable.  Pray that they’ll know our love, that they’ll know God’s love, and that it can be a shelter and a comfort to them.

 

It don't have a job
Don't pay your bills
Won't buy you a home
In Beverly Hills
Won't fix your life
In five easy steps
Ain't the law of the land
Or the government
But it's all you need..

Love, will, hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm
And I'll, be, my brothers keeper
So the whole world will know
That we're not alone
It's waiting for you
Knockin' at your door.
In the moment of truth
When your heart hits the floor.
When you're on your knees then...

Love, will, hold us together
Make us a shelter
to weather the storm
And I'll, be, my brothers keeper
So the whole world will know
That we're not alone.

Please Pray.

Please pray for X-man.  Please. Please. Pray.

His current foster mom got a phone call today telling her to have all of their stuff ready, he and his brothers are being picked up this afternoon and going home permanently.

 

I can’t even explain how I’m feeling.

He came to us at 15 months weighing 12 pounds.  She almost killed him.  His brothers, at 4 and 5 were not even verbal.  No colors.  No numbers.  No alphabet. 

 

She almost killed him.

 

Not to mention they are going from one hour supervised visits once a week to going home?!?!?!?  This is asinine.  Not only is it insane, but it’s not even fair to his mom – they are setting her up for failure.  Going from never taking care of any children, to taking care of three high needs kids by herself? 

GIVE ME A BREAK.  CAN THE SYSTEM REALLY BE THIS SCREWED UP?

 

All I can figure is that the caseworker must have royally screwed up in court representing the evidence.  Because there is no excuse for this.

She almost killed him.

 

It should have been an open and shut case.  It was BAD.  Really, really BAD.

 

I don’t even know what to say.  And should probably stop anyway before I regret my ranting.  Please pray for them.  Please.  All I can see in my mind is his thin, sick little body the night they dropped him off.  He didn’t even know how to cry.

 

Please pray.  It’s my sweet boy.  I know that God knows this situation through and through, and he loves that boy more than I ever could.  But it is so hard to trust.

Update on the X-man...

I promised X-man's new foster mom that I wouldn't call her every other day to check and see how he's doing - and I've kept my promise.  Now I just stalk her on facebook to make sure she hasn't posted new pictures or status' with him in it!  Ha!  H, if you read this, I still promise I won't call everyday - BUT today might be one of those not-everyday calls.  I'm so itching to hear that sweet boy's voice.
Anyway, I have talked to his foster mom a couple of times though, and X-man is doing fabulously.  His brothers are over the top excited to have him living with them, and the transition seems like it was a pretty smooth one. 
Our worker talked to Brian this week, and....drum roll please....
     charges have been filed!
We've been waiting for criminal charges to be filed on both of his parents since he came to us in September - and finally it's done.  There is a court hearing at the end of the month addressing the charges, and starting then there will most likely be a no contact order.  If the charges go through both mom and dad will end up in jail.  (assuming we know where dad is by then - as of now he's MIA.)
I just wanted to let you all know - I know I'm excited, relieved, what emotion is appropriate when someone is going to jail?  Anyway, I feel at peace about this.  Hopefully the boys can finally put their past behind them.

Good Lovin'

I got a phone call yesterday afternoon letting me know that the court has ordered for X-man to move. I was expecting this - what I wasn't expecting was the IMMEDIATELY that followed up that order. When I asked what immediately meant, my worker, in the nicest possible way let me know that they wanted him moved yesterday evening. My mind really started working, "That's not fair! Brian won't even be able to say goodbye! He's supposed to go out of town with us this weekend! I can't even get his stuff packed up by then! This is not ok!"
After a lot of tears and some superman-strength pulling of strings by our worker, she still said we only had until today (friday) in the afternoon. But then she called a little later and said we could keep him until Sunday evening, so he could go out of town with us. Praise God!
I've been mentally preparing myself for his move - but I was not prepared to say goodbye in under 24 hours.

I will miss him so, so much. This is the worst part of being a foster parent. Saying goodbye. I think no matter how many kids we say goodbye to, it will always hurt. But that is good. It means we loved each other well. Good lovin' makes it hard to say goodbye. I really just have to keep in mind the blessing that it has been for him to be a part of our family for this time. Even with the hurt, I would not trade it for anything. God placed him in our arms for a reason, and he is moving on for a reason. I just pray he remembers our love.

Because we love that sweet boy so much.

More of an update soon. Please pray for his little heart during this transition.

Court.

X-man's court hearing is today. If you could send a prayer up, I'd really appreciate it. And so would he, he just doesn't know it yet.
Mom canceled her visit this week - which was quite possibly the last time she would have ever seen X. I understand that there is snow on the ground. I understand the weather is not optimal. But it could be that she just canceled her last visit ever. You could have broken both my legs and I would have been there. But I digress.

Goals of court today: (as I see it)

-get charges pressed on mom and dad
-discuss X moving in with his brothers
-finish the trial

Chances of these happening....approaching nil, but like I said - if you could send a prayer up.