One Year. Never better.

One year old.

I think it’s even harder for me to believe than it would be, because you are actually the size of the average six month old.  Literally.  I took you for your one year check up and you weigh 15 pounds 8 ounces.  I think they’d be worried if your Mama wasn’t just as small (relatively.). 

 

 

You are such a beauty.  I can’t get over the joy that floods me when I look at you and you give me that big toothy smile.  It is precious.  A blessing to me every time.

 

I can’t believe you’re one year old.

 

 

One year ago right now, I was snuggling you, in awe and unbelief that you were here and you were ours.  We seemed like strangers then, although I’ve never loved a stranger that much.  Now we know each other so well, we can read each other, I know your quirks and I’m learning your personality.  I love you all the more.

 

 

You are such a blessing to me.  A gem that stands out brilliantly even in a life so full of blessings.

You love your Mama too.  You want me anytime I am in eye sight.  (Right now you are climbing up my leg.)  In fact your grandparents and your aunties would probably appreciate it if you were a little less attached to me at the hip.  I don’t mind it though.  We go together well.  I think so anyway.

 

 

You love to be held, all the time really.  I think it’s a mixture of your snuggly personality and your survival instinct kicking in around your sister.  If I’m holding you, she can’t get you. 

She loves you, she really does.  She’s just not so gentle about it most of the time.

You are so snuggly.  If we are holding you and ask for a snuggle, you put your arms around us, squeeze as tight as you can, and grunt like your working really hard.  It’s adorable.  If I ask you “How big is Naomi?”  You throw your hands up in the air and yell, imitating my “Soooo big!”. 

 

 

You are still crawling everywhere, and if I pretend like I’m going to get you, you crawl away as fast as you can and give me the most mischievous smile.  You cruise with no hesitation, and you stand on your own pretty easily too.  I think it will still be a little while before you walk though, if only because you love to be held so much.

 

You say Mama and Dada all the time when you want us now.  You also nod and shake your head at appropriate times to tell us yes and no.  You are babbling in such a way now that I think you want to start forming words soon – but we’ll see.

 

 

You are sleeping for several hours each night in your crib now.  Bittersweet.  You’ve slept through the night in your crib a couple of times, but you usually get up once.  Your Daddy has been trying to put you back to sleep when you wake up in hopes of helping you to sleep through the night without nursing, but (dare I say) you are even more stubborn that we are!  That’s hard to do.  We had it coming – stubborn children, I mean – we’ll need to harness that for good before you get too much older.

 

 

You got your Mama’s daring streak.  Your sister is more like your daddy, cautious to try new stunts.  But you, you are going to be my emergency room child.  I can see that already.  You aren’t afraid to try most anything.  You tried your hardest to give the rock wall at the park a go – fearless.  Hopefully you’ll get your Mama’s lucky streak too and not end up with too many broken bones before you’re 18.  My daring streak dwindled significantly upon having children – so I guess I’ll just have to hold my breath and say a prayer until you have your own.

 

There is a fire in your heart, and a love for people that I can see already.  You are such a little light, even at one year old.

 

 

You are happy almost all the time.  I hardly have to work at all to get you belly laughing, and there is no better sound in the world.

 

I love you sweet baby, and I feel so blessed to be your Mama.  You have added so much to our family.  Life is so much sweeter because of you.  I pray for you every day, and thank Jesus for your little life.  Your first year has been wonderful, and I can’t wait to see what is to come.

 

Love you, love you, love you,

                       Mama

Psalm 127:1-5

“Unless the lord builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat

for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,

children a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”

 

 

Happy Father’s Day Brian, Daddy,

   Love,

       Cassandra, Mena, Alondra, Jose, Alan, Jacob, Jason, Morrel, X-man, Popcorn, Kady, GG, Zee, Jae, and Sylvie.  And Maggie.  We love you more than you know.

He’s not finished with me yet.

thank GOODNESS.

I’ve not ever really felt my flesh, myself, my soul, fighting with God’s will more than I have in our fostering experience.  I know that I conflict with what God has for me regularly (aka: sin.) but with fostering I can feel the pulling on my soul going back and forth between what I would selfishly choose, and what I know God’s will for me is.  It sometimes feels like tug-of-war. {You’d think at some point I’d realize that I’m no good at this game.}

Don’t get me wrong.  I find joy in fostering.  Every day.  I also find joy in knowing that I am where God wants me to be.  But I have absolutely had to focus my eyes on Him in order to continually want what he wants for me. (This is where you say, ‘um, duh Maggie.’ - but I think in most things in my life it has been easier to want what he wants than it is in fostering.  Not sure if any of this makes sense.  But oh well.)

Sometimes I find myself longing for our family to be only Brian, Sylvie, and I.  Sometimes I long for the ease of not having to battle out everything, not having to think about parental visits, court, and therapy.  I long to be able to wake up in the morning and just be able to take my kids to the park or the pool without having to weigh when their last visit was, how they are dealing with their emotions as of late, and whether or not I think that the whole trip will implode leaving me with two angry children who are calling me names across the parking lot while people watch and shake their heads.

I’m just being honest.

I know that right now, this is what God wants for us.  And most of the time, I love it and I am happy this is the path he has chosen for us.  I guess that sometimes I just wish it felt more normal.  But I guess that’s not the point.  God’s not much for letting us be comfortable with the way things are. 

This is why I was so hesitant to make more strict boundaries on which kids we can/cannot take placement for.  I had to be sure I was really being honest with myself.  Am I making these boundaries just to make myself feel more comfortable?  Because I’m trying to control what our family looks like instead of trusting Him?  Or am I setting these limits because I feel that it is what God would have us to do for our family?  I had to make sure I wasn’t just letting my selfishness get in the way of what God was doing.  After a lot of prayer, I feel like we’ve made some good decisions regarding boundaries.  I feel at peace about them.

I know the enemy uses my love for Sylvia to make me second guess fostering.  Is it the best thing for her?  How will it effect her childhood?  Should I be spending more time with just her?  What if….? (Not that it isn’t my job to think about these things – I just need to think about them while trusting instead of while worrying.)  All of these things come into my head instead of just trusting that He loves her more than I ever could and that His will is what is best.

 

I guess this all really comes down to Him refining me.  Ugh, I just wish it were easier!  Ha!  Lord, it appears you still have some a lot of work to do.  At least I can know He’s not given up on me!

Why Foster?

Foster Care Awareness Month

May is Foster Care Awareness Month.  I got this video off of another foster parent’s blog – she put it together with some friends of hers.  I love the video – it’s really well done, and it only serves to make me more passionate about fostering and loving these kids. (You didn’t think that was possible, did you?)  I pray that it moves hearts.

My posts the last couple of weeks have been honest.  The majority of the last two weeks have been rough.  But I don’t want to make you think for a second that this is not a blessing.  It is a blessing, and a privilege to get to be a part of these kids’ lives.  Even during the rough times, I would not hesitate to recommend fostering.  It will change your life, and will forever impact the kids you come to love.

 

 

The video lists some ways of helping other than licensing to foster, like:

• Becoming a CASA advocate.  As a CASA advocate you are assigned to kids in the system and help to advocate for them in the court system.  GREAT program.
• Becoming a respite provider in order to give foster parents needed breaks.  To be a licensed respite provider you take the same classes as a foster parent, but kids only come to stay with you for a few days at a time.  In some states you can babysit for foster parents simply by having a background check done.  To learn more, contact your local state agency.
• If you’re a Harley fan, you can join BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse).  The kids LOVE it when a bunch of bikers show up for their court hearings.  It also serves to make them feel safe if the perp is at the hearing.  This program was great – the kids on my caseload loved it.
• Donate clothes, bikes, stuffed animals, hygiene supplies, journals, schools supplies, or new toys to your local fostering agency.
• Adopt!
• Tutor a child, or sponsor a child through Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America.
• There are so many ways to help these kids!  What’s your gift?

 

{ If you have any questions about fostering, or the other programs that are listed, please let me know!  You can leave questions in the comments, or e-mail me.  I will do my best to answer or point you in the direction of someone who can!}

A Surprise Visit.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from X-man’s foster mom to see if we wanted to hang out with him!  Of Course!  I was thrilled.  I was beginning to think we may not actually get to keep in contact with him, so this was more than exciting.  We hadn’t seen him in a month, so I wasn’t sure how it would go – little ones forget more quickly (enter: knife into my heart) and get confused.

We took him to the park.  He really has already grown so much, and he’s looking older.  We played and played, and barbequed burgers for a picnic dinner. 

 

Check out that big boy hair cut – and I believe the fat lip makes him look older too.  Ha!  And that belly!  Can you believe that seven short months ago this child weighed 12 pounds?!?!  

He did seem a little confused at first, which broke my heart.  But as soon as we played a short ice-breaker – throwing grass in each other’s hair – he was his spunky self.

 

 

 

Sylvie decided she wanted to see what X’s shoe tasted like – of course.  Who could pass up all that tasty dirt?

He decided it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

 

Hello?  Who is it?

 

 

We were so excited to see our sweet boy.  I feel so blessed that we get to stay in contact with so many of our kids.  I had forgotten how difficult the first couple of visits are after a move, though.  When X-man left our house one month ago, in his mind, we were his parents.  He was excited to see us when we had been away.  He preferred us to other people.  We knew all the ways to make him laugh.  Only we could make it better when he was sad.

Yesterday when I went to pick him up, I was none of these things.  I was no longer his mamma.  He recognized me, but there was no laughing and running to the door as if to say, “Momma, finally!  You’ve come to pick me up!”  like there always was before. 

I’m happy for him that he is not still so attached.  It would be horrible for him if he was not able to let us go and adjust to his new home.  But it is heart wrenching for me.  I was his mamma.  And now I’m not.  It hurts.  But like I’ve said before, it only hurts because we loved each other well.  I do love this little boy.  I can not wait to see him again.

Project 365 – Week 7

There aren’t seven.  And they aren’t all from different days.  But I’m doing my best.

 

It Happens.

Poop that is.  On the shirt.  Blowout.  Epic.

 

Just when I was thinking that spring would never come, I looked out the window and saw these growing in the front yard.  There is joy in these flowers.

(I should mention, however, that now these flowers are covered in

6 inches of snow. hmph.)

Sylvie also loved the flowers.

 

 

Barbequing with Daddy for the first time this year!

 

Watching the sun go down over the river valley from Grandma and Grandpa’s

front porch swing.

Playing piano with Daddy.

  Bright Eyes.

Soaking up Sylvie.

So, as you know, I’ve been slightly anxious to have another child (or children.) placed with us.  However, in the last few days I’ve been so sweetly reminded to really soak up this time I have with just my Sylvie girl.  Any time has the potential to be the last hour, day, week, that she is an only child – and I am really working so hard to make sure I don’t miss a beat.  Like this morning when we woke up and she babbled for five minutes before she even opened her eyes.  Then she proceeded to charm me with her squeals, smiles, and baby kisses for half an hour before we got out of bed.  These are things we can’t do when there is more than one.  This is such a precious age, and I’m so glad that I get to share it with her one on one.

It feels a bit like being a grade-schooler trying to soak up the last few days of summer break.  Knowing it will be over soon, but not quite being able to grasp what it is you’ll be missing.  Having multiple kids is just a different kind of beautiful, but I want to remember this beautiful as well.  When our time alone is over, I want to know that I enjoyed lovin’ on my baby girl, and didn’t spend half the time pining over who would be placed with us next.

Not to mention the fact that just in the last few days – Sylvia has decided it is a good idea to take naps.  This is newsworthy.  2-3 hours every day to accomplish whatever it is I’d like to get done?  It’s incredible!  That, and the simple reminder that just a few short weeks ago I was barely able to leave the house (two children who can’t walk + errands = INSANITY.) gives me good reason to soak up the relaxation that is having one child.

 

 

 

Mommy and Sylvie on her first real walk outside! (It’s been too cold until now!)

 

Here’s a picture of the last time Sylvia went on a walk ouside…

 

 

So, change will come, but right now, me and Sylvie girl are soaking it up.

 

P.S. Probably a good time to add that our respite placement for this weekend was canceled.  ugh.  oh well.  I should remind myself, also, that no calls means there are less kids coming into care, which is fabulous.

Project 365 – Week 6

 

Mommy and Sylvie.

 

Sylvie eating her first biter biscuit with Nana.  She loved it.  I’m pretty sure my mom wasn’t thrilled that I took this picture.

 

This is what I see when I go in to get Sylvie from her naps now.  Gone are the days that she just lays there content – she’s got places to go!

  Because when you’re a baby, even plumbers crack is cute.

As promised, the monthly Chik-fila picture.  Sylvie obviously knows where it’s at.

We help run our church’s monthly homeless outreach – we held a movie night last night and this little girl, NaKayla, was attached to me at the hip.  She informed me that Sylvia was the cutest baby (I’m not one to argue.), I should wear my hair down more often, and that I needed to learn how to dance – of course, she offered to teach me.

What? A picture of Sylvia? I wouldn’t have guessed.

But this picture is special because she’s wearing the first piece of clothing that I ever handcrafted for her.  I am very excited.  I royally screwed up this dress more than once during it’s making.  If it were up to me she’d wear it every day for the rest of her life – it was that much work.

Why Foster?

I’ve been getting a lot of e-mails as of late asking me questions about fostering, the process, challenges we face, and about our personal experience. I figure that it would be easier for me to answer some of these questions openly on the blog so that if there are others with the same questions, they can read too! Enter: the weekly Why Foster?. Once a week I’ll either answer a question that I’ve received, talk about reasons that people shy away from fostering, or give you a good reason that you should foster (I’m good at this one!). So….here it goes.

Get Involved.

Reason 286:

The latest numbers show that at any given time there are approximately 510,000 children in foster care. About 51% of those kids are likely to be in foster care for more than a year. That means that at any given time, there are half of a million children experiencing the worst year of their entire lives. They feel alone, confused, sad, angry. Some of these kids will go to homeless shelters because the foster care agency cannot find an open foster home for them. Homeless shelters. For children. By themselves. Another handful of these kids will go to foster homes that don’t really care. I worked in the system, and I saw these foster home more often than not. Foster homes that are ‘in it for the money’ or have become so jaded that they cannot offer love. Homes that I would not want to live in.

One of my very favorite quotes is from a book called “Turning Stones” by Marc Parent. As a social worker in New York he says:

You hear about children falling through the cracks in the system. Let me tell you something: there is no system, there are only people – children don’t fall through cracks, they fall through fingers. The person who says “fell through the cracks in the system” is really saying that someone blew it and that the blame is going to be spread so broadly that accountability will fall to no one.

In opposition to the foster care system, I often hear people say that the government should not be responsible for foster care or for taking care of these children. And they are right. We should be responsible. You and I. And these kids, they’re falling through our fingers.

I realize this is an intense post. I’m not writing this to make anyone feel guilty. Just to open eyes to the need, and the hurt, and the reality. I also realize that not everyone is called to fostering. But I don’t say that to let you off the hook.

What an awesome opportunity to serve. What a blessing to get to be a part of these children’s lives. Don’t ask yourself if it would be comfortable. Because it won’t be. Don’t ask yourself if it would be convenient. Because it won’t be. Don’t ask yourself if it will be easy. Because it won’t be. DO ask yourself if you want to make change for the good, if you want to help kids who don’t know love, if you want to share the love you have.

Cause there’s no doubt you have love to give.

(Again, I realize that fostering is not for everyone. It is just in my soul to advocate for these kids. If you have questions about fostering, or something you would like me to talk about on the blog, please don’t hesitate to comment or to e-mail me – I’m happy to answer any questions I can! )

Faking it.

I liked this idea.
When I read blogs it does usually seem a little like the fake side of the person writing. Like it's their happy side, or their clever side, or the 'who people think I should be' side. I try to be real on this blog. I try to be open and really honest about my feelings about things, or what I am really thinking when my kids are driving me up the wall.
But we're all a little fakey sometimes. (yes, fakey is an adjective. It's just a fake one.)

So, here it goes, I'm gonna be real with ya.

• That wonderful, patient husband I've told you about? Well, yes, he is wonderful and patient. But me? Not so much. Probably I show my worst side to Mr. Popp more often than he would like. I'm grumpy, I get an attitude, I roll my eyes. God is clearly using marriage to refine me, and I just haven't quite gotten the hint. If there were one area that I wish my stubborn-ness would let a little light in on, this would be it, because I regret my grumpy side more with him than in any other area of my life.

• I am really awful about calling people. People in general, but really, I'm not even good at calling my friends. Back when the girls left, I went through a really hard time of loneliness - and even though I was lonely, I didn't call anyone. I always assume they already have something to do, I don't want to be a bother, or I feel like they'd be inconvenienced some way by my need for fellowship. But we all need fellowship, yeah? So, if I know you, and I don't call you, we should hang out.

• Speaking of when the girls left - I've had some seasons in my life where it has been seriously difficult for me to find joy. I think that in general I always try to seem happy to other people (except for Mr. Popp - see bullet number one.) - and I AM happy most of the time - but there are seasons where joy is hard. I think most people, especially women, struggle with this sometimes. And I think most of us try to hide it, which is silly. If we shared this struggle, we'd probably all find a lot more joy.

• Sometimes I don't like being a foster parent. Whew. This is a tough one. Because I want to always like it. I want to be completely selfless and never think of it as a sacrifice. (Because really, truly it is just a giant blessing.) Sometimes though, my heart gets hard, and selfish Maggie shows her ugly face, and I just wish our life was normal. Whatever that means. If it were not for God and His love, there are times I would have quit. Ugh. I hate this side of sin. Let's stop talking about this real part of me.
  

• I lose my patience with my kids sometimes. Not that this is a newsflash. I try to go with the flow most of the time, not get flustered, but sometimes the flow is just heading the wrong way. Or I am. There are days when Brian walks through the door, and I have to hand him whichever child I am holding, and I have to go sit and not be a mom for just a few minutes. I wish this weren't true. I wish I had unending patience. Parenthood is also rather refining.

Sometimes I wish we came pre-refined.
But that's kind of the point - It's why we need Jesus. I need Jesus, because sometimes I fake it. But like I said, I'll try to be real with you here, because I think the refining might be a lot easier if we were all real, so we could see that we're all broken. Let's quit faking it, I'll be real with you, you be real with me. We'll lift each other up in our broken realness.