On Food.

I’ve done lots of thinking and bouncing ideas back and forth with Bella’s therapist the past couple of days.

 

I reminded myself for the 598,000,000,000th time that this is not about me controlling a situation. And then I reminded myself again. Because when you’re in one of these situations, the adult/parent/everything everyone else tells you is the right thing to do reaction is to buckle down and hold your ground.

 

Not. the. point.

 

It’s not about controlling what she eats or when she eats or if she doesn’t eat when we eat she won’t eat until morning.

All things I’ve told myself a million times, but needed to hear it again to be able to come up with viable solutions to this vomit issue.

This is about trauma, and her needing to be able to control something in her little banged up, pushed around life.  Someday therapeutic parenting will come naturally to me.  Someday.

 

So,

I watched this video by Karen Purvis. (She’s my hero.)

 

Engaging Food Battles with Connection in Mind « Empowered To Connect

 

It won’t let me actually post the video on Blogger, but it’s totally worth the watch.

 

 

I think we’ve come up with a couple of therapeutic ways of giving her control, but also helping her to be healthy, love her body, and for goodness sakes, stop puking.

 

First,

in a last ditch effort that was not actually very thought through – and over all may not be the most therapeutic thing to do, I told her that any day that she does not puke at all that she will get a treat after dinner.

Treats hold mega sway with Bella.

Today, she came in to me after lunch and said, “Hey Maggie, I ate up all my lunch and I didn’t even throw up!  Maybe I’ll get a treat today!!”

Score!

 

Second, 

my sister gave me a great thought.  I realized that never, not once, have snacks been an issue.  It always revolves around meals.  So, I’m going to try to start getting her most of her food just through snacks.  Then I don’t have to worry about if she is getting too little if she refuses a meal, and that battle can be over.

Every day I’m going to make her a “snack bucket”.  I’m going to fill it with lots of snacks that are all healthy choices.  I’ll tell her that anytime she wants a snack just to ask and she can pick anything she wants out of her snack bucket.  This gives her complete control over choosing what she wants and when she wants it.  If I frame it all as a snack, then I don’t think we’ll have the puke issues (due to food control, anyway).  If she eats 10 snacks in a day, as long as they are all healthy, I don’t care – and then when we get to dinner and she refuses to eat, I don’t have to worry about if she’s gotten her nutrition.

 

 

I’m excited about this.

I feel like it’s a good way to treat both her body, and her trauma control fears.  It requires that I completely let go of any delusions of control, which is good for me too.

 

If it works out well, all we’ll have left is the vomiting from anxiety.  One issue at a time.  I’ll keep you posted.

The part where Karyn Purvis is my hero.

 

  So we went to the Empowered to Connect conference last weekend – and apart from the 9 hours there and the 9 hours back, it was wonderful.  Wonderful.

 

  The girls (all three) hung out with Brian’s sister Jennifer while we were at the conference.  I was sure we were going to totally stress her out and ruin her weekend, but the girls did great and had a really good time.  In fact, on the way home Sylvia insisted that we turn around to go back to Aunt Jennifwews, and the following morning woke up crying for her.  I’d say that Aunt Jennifwew is well loved.

 

  We also got to hang out with friends who we met at Horn Creek last year during foster and adoptive family camp.  It was great to see them (how did we not take any pictures???) and to catch up. (We’re both going back this year.  It’s great too.  Check it out.)

  It was also wonderful to, for a whole weekend, be surrounded by other foster and adoptive parents who understand the experience.  Brian and I don’t really have a community of foster or adoptive parents here at all (which we are always hoping to change!) and so it was great to be with a lot of other people with the same heart.

 

Anyway, on to the conference.

 

  If you are a foster parent or an adoptive parent, and you’ve never heard Karyn Purvis speak – do anything in your power short of sell your home to do so.  She is incredible. She is so full of wisdom, not afraid to tell it like it is, and is funny to boot.

  Actually if you are even considering adopting, I would really, very highly, I’ll pay for you to go, recommend that you attend one of these conferences first.  She is very straight forward, not to scare you off (although she might), but so that you go into this huge decision with your eyes open, armed and ready with the tools you will need.   Go.  Really.  Go.

 

  They covered so many things.  Sensory Processing Disorder.  Brain Development.  Neurochemistry.  Fear.  Co-Regulation.  Straight forward ideas to put into practice.

  One of the things that I love about The Connected Child, and the conference, is that they give a very thorough background on why our children behave the way they do.  It’s so important to understand where these behaviors are coming from to really be able to understand why you should parent them a specific way.

  They also had a couple of adoptive mothers share their stories which is always moving, and gives so much hope. 

 

  I have a list of books that were recommended throughout the conference that I thought I’d share.  I haven’t read any of these, but I assume they’re good stuff.

Wounded Children, Healing Homes  by Jayne E. Schooler

Anatomy of the Soul  by Curt Thompson

I Love You Rituals by Becky Bailey

Parenting from the Inside Out  by Daniel Siegel

Attaching in Adoption by Deborah Gray (She has several on attachment)

Parenting is Your Highest Calling and 8 other Myths that Trap us in Worry and Guilt  

             by Leslie Leyland Fields

 

  It’ll take me a while to get through these, but looking forward to them for sure.

 

I just want all foster and adoptive parents to have this information.  Typical parenting strategies are not for these broken little hearts that join our families.  Brian and I have decided to go back to the conference every year, just for a refresher.

Road trip!

 

  We leave tomorrow for the Empowered to Connect Conference in Dallas!  I’m excited, as I’ve been looking forward to it for some time.  Karyn Purvis is the main speaker.  We had planned on going to a similar conference in October when I was struck with the Virus from the Bowels of Hades, and we had to cancel. 

 

Equipping you to bring hope and healing
to adopted and foster children.

 

  At the last minute yesterday they decided to cancel Bella’s visit for this weekend.  The back and forth was not working for getting rid of the lice issue (not sure if Mom and Dad weren’t giving it the good college try, or if they just didn’t understand how aggressively you have to treat it.)  They decided it would be best for her to be with us for the weekend so that we can get rid of it all the way (and hopefully not get it back with the next visit.)

  All that to say, Bella is going with us!  I’m glad we had a trip planned to distract her from missing her visit, but I think it will be a hard several days.

 

  The 10 hour car ride?  You could pray for that.

 

I just can’t wait to be in community with other people with the same heart, and to be poured into with wisdom and challenge to parent these kiddos well.  (Also, it’s warmer in Dallas.  WhooHooo!)

 

  Hopefully when it’s all over I’ll have some resources to share!  If you’re going, let me know, I’d love to meet you!

Behavior Modification.

  We started some short term in-home therapy with Bella today.  I requested it because the transitions back and forth from 3-4 days with Mom and Dad to 3-4 days with us has seriously been kicking her four year old butt – along with ours in the process.  So mostly I wanted a therapist who could come in and decompress with her – someone, besides us, who can talk to her about everything that is going on.

  So her therapist came.  She is very nice, very to the point, and easy to talk to.  I’m just not sure that our mindsets and parenting theories are necessarily in sync.  We talked about what we’ve been seeing in between visits, the ridiculousness that is bed time, and we went over background info.

 

  Essentially what I heard was this:

 

• Stop worrying so much over the emotional impact of the way you parent her.
• Her behaviors are primarily attention seeking.
• You are not being strict enough.

 

  I told her that at bedtime, sometimes we go on two hours of her crying for her Mommy, needing her back rubbed, talking through what her parents are probably doing, and talking about how much longer it is until her next visit.  I told her this in an effort to explain the deep emotional impact that the transitions back and forth are having on her.

  I was told that this bedtime routine is simply her trying to get attention, and that she’s figured out that if she cries that I will stay in there (some nights, this is true, I will admit that.).  I need to do our bedtime routine, leave, ignore her cries, and in three days it will stop.

 

A.K.A. : Behavior Modification.

 

But seriously, she’s four.  She’s away from her family.  She is going back and forth between completely different environments, expectations, and structures.  What I hear from that advice is : Ignore that she is hurting in ways she doesn’t understand, and then she’ll stop telling you.

This is not a solution. 

I honestly don’t think it’s possible for a four year old to go through that, and then have behaviors that are not derived from the pain of their circumstance.  Sure, some of her behaviors are attention seeking : because she needs attention.

What happened to fulfilling the cycle of need?

 

  I know there are probably a lot of people this therapist sees that just want the behaviors to stop.  Sometimes, in the thick of it, that’s what I want too.

  But really what I want is to know how I can best love her and support her emotionally through the behaviors.

 

  I guess I’m just disappointed.  I’ve tried really hard to develop our parenting practices in therapeutic ways, and it makes me bristle to hear advice from a therapist that does not take into account the hurt that her little heart is carrying.

  I also know that therapeutic parenting is often in pretty strong discord with many accepted parenting techniques.  But I’m not here to get pats on the back for turning my traumatized children’s behavior around over night – I’m here to comfort the hurt that causes it.

 

  So where do we go when our therapists are telling us that we should just treat the behaviors as if these children have had everything they ever needed and more?  I don’t know, but I do know that I can’t wait  to get to    This Conference. 

Because there is a reason that foster and adoptive parents struggle with behaviors more than other parents, and it’s not because we’re all incapable of being consistent.

 

(P.S. If you need book or video resources on therapeutic parenting and you’re at a loss, please e-mail me – I am happy to send you some!  It will make you feel less crazy, and help you understand where all this behavior is coming from!)

Yes Man.

Brian and I have been working to amp up on our therapeutic, attachment parenting skills.  It’s something we’ve always educated ourselves on, but feel like we need to spend more time on.  I get lazy in between placements and then always feel like kicking myself when we have a new child with us because I feel like I have to do so much review. 

 

I’m re-reading this gem, and just got the newest Daniel Hughes book in the mail (Thanks Jen!).

 

The struggle to get into the right frame of mind to parent these children well is intense.  I’ve been trying really hard lately to give lots and lots of ‘yeses’.  When I’m trying to give a yes when a no would be so much easier, I have to stop and realize that the reason it is so hard to give that yes is because I am being lazy.  (Can we say – refinement?)

  These are the times that I have to get goofy with my kids to get myself where I need to be – sometimes I just start singing ‘yes’, which actually makes me happy to say it – and the kids love it too.

 

The real trick (beyond finding the time to educate myself betweendiapersandfeedingandwhiiiiinnnniiinnnggg) is being able to slow myself down enough in each moment to really consciously respond in the way they need me to.  To always be reminding myself of the compassion needed (not necessarily sympathy – compassion) in my every look, tone, and technique. 

And to remember that I cannot do this.  I don’t have it in me.  Really.  I don’t.  I need someone much bigger and more patient and loving and compassionate.  Without Him, I run out of all of these things by approximately 8:30.  (a.m.) – that’s pitiful.  But, that is exactly what I am without Him.

 

 

  So.  This has been sufficiently boring.  But this is where I am.

Christ asks us to do everything that we do with excellence.  So I will keep educating myself and keep being intentional in the way I parent my kids, both my kids who have experienced trauma, and those who haven’t.

 

 

If you’re reading this and thinking, what is she talking about?? 

Non Foster Parents:  Parenting kids from trauma is a whole new ballgame in the parenting arena.  It requires parenting differently and even more intentionally (not that parenting other children does not take intentionality, this just takes intentionality on steroids.)

Foster parents:  If you feel lost in the world of parenting kids from trauma, please don’t hesitate to e-mail me, and I would love to hook you up with some great resources.  It’s a lot of work – but makes your life, and your children’s lives so much less fractured!