Valentines twenty-twelve.

 

  Since we’ve had kids (which has been most of our marriage.) I’ve totally sucked it up on gifts.  I always have spectacular ideas that come flooding into my mind and I get really excited…..two days before the holiday that requires said gift.

  And then I’m doing laundry and cleaning up spit up and picking nits, and I just end up doing something really lame.  Lame, like, for Christmas I printed off two pics of our girls at CVS, put them in frames, wrapped them, and voila…lame-o Christmas pictures for your office.

No forethought.

 

SO.

For valentines, I read about this really great idea of putting together 12 envelopes, one for each month of the year, each one filled with a pre-planned, super fun date.  That way we have at least one date already planned for each month, and my Mister doesn’t have to feel all the pressure to come up with some good date night idea.

 

 

I turned my date night envelope making into a craft project with the girls, and I actually got it done in time!

I’m super excited.

Some of the envelopes already have tickets in them for events that month, some of them have gift certificates, and some of them are just ideas for things we don’t do very often together.  And he gets a new surprise every month!

 

 

We celebrated valentines day last night, and so Brian already has his present.  I’m not totally ruining it by posting the entire thing on here.  That would make this a lame present, instead of a great one.

 

Anyway, I’m going to post every month when we do our fun date so that we can keep the memories of our dates this year.

 

can’t wait!

5 years.

  Five years ago right now I was at the church, putting on my dress, surrounded by my family and friends who would coach me down the aisle to marry my best friend.  (Only gently aided by half of a muscle relaxer on loan from my dad.)

 

  Five years sounds impossible – both too short and too long.

We tend to pack a lot of life into our years.  We’re good at that.  And that’s the way we like it – after all, we’re not going to run short on life to fill our years and so we might as well pack it in.  I think we average at least twice as much change, transition, and excitement as the typical couple – but if you know either of us, this makes sense.  We are absolutely live to the fullest, why not try it, hit the ground running kind of people.

 

  And I love it, this life we’ve built.

 

For our fifth anniversary, Brian surprised me by taking me to the church that we were married in.  Not ten minutes later, my mom showed up with Sylvia and Naomi (Bella was on a visit), and a photographer.

My, how life has changed in five years.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Our first five years has been full of ups, and very few downs.  Thank you Lord for this life you have given us.  Here’s to another fifty just as full of life as these five.  Love you, Bri.

 

(Photos thanks to John Gaugahn Photography.)

5,000+.

  One of the quirks of Bella’s illness is that any time that she has a fever over 100.4 degrees, she has to be to the emergency room in no more than 45 minutes time.    In my house, 100.4 hardly constitutes a fever – but I’ll leave that up to the docs.  In the case of a fever, she generally has to spend 2 days in the hospital for observation. (Which immediately leaves me asking really?  you placed her with us?  did I mention we have no experience with immune-compromised kids?) We had successfully avoided all of this so far.

 

  Our family has been slowly but surely passing around a bug that leaves it’s victims with a fever, aches, and errrrr…..diaper rash – comprendo?  We actually thought we had gotten through the storm without Bella catching it, and we were shocked to say the least.

  But, as one might guess, her little compromised immune system gave in to the germies.

 

  Friday night she wasn’t feeling well, but no sign of fever.  We did an early bedtime and crossed our fingers that it would all disappear overnight.  At 11:00 she woke me up complaining of a headache, and sure enough, she felt warm.

  We took her temp – 101.6 – and immediately called the on call nurse in her unit.  There was some debate as to whether to take her in, but in the end they decided that we should head to the ER.  A friend of ours came to the house so that we could leave Sylvia, but Brian, Naomi, Bella, and I loaded up the car and headed out.

 

  Brian wasn’t feeling good when I woke him up, but that was really the last thing on my mind (sorry, hun.).  We got to the hospital and got into a triage room as quickly as possible, because in the ER, there are approximately 5 billion different contagious diseases floating around.  Quite the irony, really.

 

  They got her in and started doing lab work.  In the meantime, Brian almost passed out in the hallway and the nurses had to see to him as much as they were seeing to Bella.  Poor guy was white as a ghost and had chills and hot flashes. 

  After 3 hours in the ER they decided to give her some really strong antibiotics via IV.  The incredible part is that we got her labs back and her levels were over 5,000!!! – which is as high as any normal immune system runs.  I am completely convinced that this is due to nutrition – but all that for another post.

  The good news is, that since her levels were so high, when we got done with the antibiotics we got to go home! 

 

  I know that makes for an anti-climactic story.  But that’s how we like them around here.  The less drama, the better, because when fostering, you can always be sure there is some more right around the corner.  We’re just praying it doesn’t involve the ER again.

 

  So, we are tired. (very. Still.)  but we are so thankful that we have three healthy girls.  (And Brian recovered too.)  Ahhhhhh – all in a (very long) day’s work.

Ringing in the New Year, Tanzanian Style.

Well, Brian is in Arusha! 
I just got an e-mail update from him about all he's doing and experiencing, and it sounds like the trip is going really well.
He's there with the founder of Samaritan Village, the president of the American board, and a few other people who also joined them on the trip.  It took a while for him to e-mail me because they are trying to get a new computer that was just donated to the Village hooked up with internet access.

Brian says:

It's almost 5pm here, and all of the people here are working hard preparing for a new year's party.  They are cooking a goat.  Yes, a goat.  That was alive this morning.   They are expecting over 400 people.  I wish I could just type and type and type, because I want to share with you how everything is going, but I don't really have time, so here is a chronological summary.

I took a ton of pictures on the way back, it took us about 1:15 to get back to the Village from the airport at Kilimanjaro.  The first thing I got to see when we arrived was the dorm, where we are staying.   It is huge!  It's built like a condo or apartment complex, with two floors, two units on each floor (left and right) with stairs to the second floor balcony in between the sides.  Each unit has three bedrooms, three baths, and a 250 sq ft living/dining/kitchen area.  The rooms are a decent size too.  The bathrooms aren't all the way finished yet, the shower is just a shower head sticking out of the wall, no pan or curtain.  Only the first floor is finished, and even then the kitchen area only has a sink right now.
I got to walk around and meet everyone shortly after that.  The kids are beautiful, and so happy and smily all the time.  I will have a lot of pictures, but I'm really really really wishing I had remember to bring our video camera!! 
From the front porch of the main building you can see Mt. Meru (MAY-roo, I got that wrong), and it is stunning. It is so beautiful here, the weather today was a little cool when I first went outside (maybe 65-70 degrees) and it warmed up to 80 this afternoon, with a cool breeze under partly cloudy skies.
Last night we went (along with some of the kids) to a Bridal send off party. (For the fiance of the father of the orphanage)  The best way to describe it is a combination of a wedding reception/rehearsal dinner/bridal shower.  It was at a banquet hall (the large back room of a place called "The Police Officers Mess Hall".   There were about 150 people there, and the party lasted from 6:30 until 11:30.  I will tell you more about it when I get back and show you the pictures, but it was really neat to get a glimpse of their culture.
We got home at midnight, and slept soundly...until 5:30am when the Swahili praise music started blaring from the chapel, and I heard Josephat preaching loudly for the morning service.  So sleeping in wasn't an option.
This morning I had pancakes (pan fried corn-flour sweet thick tortillas) and a banana fresh from the market for breakfast, then I spent some time journaling, walking around taking pictures of the place, and helping out a little with cleaning up the grounds.
This afternoon we went in to Arusha to do a little shopping; we went to a handmade craft market and I bought small gifts for you and sylvie.
Oh honey, there's so much here that I want to tell you about, so much that I can't even fit it all in this email.  But there are two things that I haven't mentioned yet that you need to know.  1) I haven't seen a single mosquito, even last night as darkness fell and I was standing in the parking lot of the police officer's mess hall.  and 2) the well water here is safe to drink!  I have been drinking it for 24 hours now and I still feel fine!
I'm feeling well, though a little tired.  I am glad to be here in this beautiful place, and I really need to learn swahili.  That phrasebook and Tanzania book were very helpful to me, as I already had the basic conversation pieces (hello, goodbye, how are you, good, fine, yes, no, please, thank you) down before I got here!
I love you, I miss you, and I have already taken 350 pictures. kiss and hugs to you and my beautiful daughter!
Love,
Brian

I can't tell you what a blessing it is to get these e-mail updates!  It is also such a blessing for him to get to go there to see Arusha, the orphanage, and to meet the people before we actually move there.  God has given me so much peace about all of this, even just through this one short e-mail.

Anyway, just wanted to share the update!  Hopefully there will be more soon, and of course lots of pictures when he gets back.  You're prayers are so appreciated!

Daddy's View: A conversation with Jae

(just after we said our good night prayers, I realized I hadn't given Jae a hug, so I went back into his room to find him gently crying)
Brian: "Jae, I forgot to ask if you wanted a hug before you went to bed, do you want a hug?"
Jae: (sniffles a bit) "Brian, I have a question, tell me if this sounds fair: At camp I met a foster kid who has been away from his mom for seven years, even though his brother still lives with his mom.  How is that fair?
Brian: "I don't know Jae"
Jae: "And now he says he gets to go back to his mother.  He's so lucky."

Jae: "Brian, I have a question: who invented foster care?"
Brian: "I don't know Jae.  It was created to keep kids safe though"
Jae: "I hate that person.   I wish it didn't exist to I could be with my mother."
Brian: "Jae, I wish foster care didn't have to exist either."
Jae: "I don't even know why I'm in foster care, it's so confusing.  Do you know why I'm here?"
Brian: "Because it wasn't safe for you to be at your house anymore, Jae."
Jae: "But I felt safe, who says it's not safe?"
Brian: "The people who's job it is to keep you safe."
Jae: "You don't even know how hard it is for me right now.
(eyes well up again)
I'm scared.  I could be adopted by somebody I don't even know.  What if I don't like them?"
Brian: "Jae, when you moved here you didn't know me and Maggie, right?"
Jae: "Yeah, but I've been here for three months now."
Brian: "But now you know us and love us and know that you are loved here.  Whoever adopts you will love you too."
Jae: "I just want to be adopted by my family."
Brian: (now I'm crying too) "Jae, I cry for you guys all the time.  I wish I could just make it go away, make it all go away and just be normal, but I can't.  All I can do is love you, and try to make you understand that God loves you, and that he has a plan for you."
Jae: "God doesn't have a plan for me."
Brian: "Yes he does Jae, he will use you for great things if you let him.

I love you  Jae.  Good night."

Psalm 127:1-5

“Unless the lord builds the house,

its builders labor in vain.

Unless the Lord watches over the city,

the watchmen stand guard in vain.

In vain you rise early and stay up late,

toiling for food to eat

for he grants sleep to those he loves.

Sons are a heritage from the Lord,

children a reward from him.

Like arrows in the hands of a warrior are sons born in one’s youth.

Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them.”

 

 

Happy Father’s Day Brian, Daddy,

   Love,

       Cassandra, Mena, Alondra, Jose, Alan, Jacob, Jason, Morrel, X-man, Popcorn, Kady, GG, Zee, Jae, and Sylvie.  And Maggie.  We love you more than you know.

Project 365 – Week 13

I wasn’t great about taking pictures this week.  Oh well.

 

Zee was student of the week, so he got to bring home Marvin the Monkey.

 

Sylvia really started pulling up on stuff the beginning of this week.  Now she’s a pro.  Nothing is safe anymore.

 

 

Sylvia also decided that she was going to completely skip baby food and go straight to solids.  Here she is modeling her guacamole fu manchu.

Daddy's View: Episode I - The reluctant one

Hey, Brian here, also known as Daddy. Maggie (and various visitors) have requested that I share the Man's perspective on fostering, so I wanted to do a series of "guest" posts. I put "guests" in quotations because, while this is technically my family's blog, it's really Maggie's. I want to start from the beginning, before Jae and Zee, before X-man, before the girls, back when my life was "normal".

At the beginning of 2008, we were living a great, normal American life. We celebrated our first anniversary a week after closing on our first home. I was really enjoying my first job, and Maggie was winning employee of the month awards at her social work job. Life was easy, and I really liked that! About a month after we moved in to our house, we traveled to Dallas with a group of young adults from our church to the Passion conference. While we were there, a pastor named Francis Chan told a story during one of his talks about a woman in East Asia who had rescued over 100 children from brothels and taken them in, fed them and found them homes. Towards the end of the story, after talking about how many lives this woman had changed, he related it to the American dream (you know, owning a house, accumulating wealth, etc.) and asked "Would you rather wake up in twenty years to your big, beautifully decorated living room, or wake up knowing you've helped change the lives of dozens of children?"

Okay. Wow.

Now we had talked even before we got married about how we would "someday" foster or adopt. But to me "someday" meant a long time away. "Someday" was after we had kids of our own and they were older. "Someday" was something other than "right now". But all signs were pointing to the fact that we were clearly being called to foster "right now" God had taken away all of our excuses (Not enough space? We had just purchased a 4 BR home. Not old enough? 1 Timothy 4:12. Not enough money? Matthew 6:25.), and the Passion conference was just the kick in the butt we needed to get it in gear.

Okay, so by now I had realized that this is something that we're supposed to do. But I still didn't want to do it. To me, it was a scary thing: I had never been a father, what if I wasn't good at it? I had never met a foster child, what if I couldn't love them? I had heard about what some of these kids go through, what if I just wasn't cut out to deal with it? And on top of all of that I really liked the life I already had. Why go out of my way to make myself uncomfortable? I was thinking about all of these things during my first day back at work after the Passion conference, trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do, and that we should just do it. But without me knowing beforehand, Maggie that same day had already signed us up for classes! Now wives, I don't recommend that you do this! Maggie knows me pretty well and figured I just needed that last nudge in the right direction.

So that's how we started the training, but what about all of those fears I had? I asked a few of my good friends to pray for my heart, that God would change my heart and prepare me for being a foster dad. And while I did begin to feel peace about it, most of my fears didn't go away before we started fostering (I'll talk more about their resolution in my next post). And I guess that's the point. We're called as believers to be obedient in whatever God has for us. And while some fears are legitimate and we're called to be discerning, I knew that fostering is what God was calling us to do, so my own misgivings shouldn't matter. If your family is feeling God's call to foster or adopt, I challenge you to be obedient: the God who gave this self-centered man a heart for foster children will be faithful to his promises!

In my next post I'll talk about some of the fears I had about being a foster dad, and how many of them disappeared when we got our first placement. Please email and let us know if there are any specific questions you would like to have answered from a Daddy perspective.

Project 365 – Week 11

The boys in action playing kickball after a picnic at the park.

 

Sylvia trying out some food.  Not a huge fan.

 

Brian giving the boys haircuts.  They thought this was pretty cool.

 

SCORE!

I picked up this ottoman during large item trash pick up day in another neighborhood!

What’s wrong with it?  There’s a tiny hole in one corner.  I think I’ll leave it this way, but it would be easy enough to recover!  I l.o.v.e. large item trash pick up day.

 

Buying honey stix at the Farmer’s Market.  The boys loved the market – as do I.

 

X-man got to come hang out with us on Saturday!  He was very into giving Sylvia high fives and hugs.  So sweet.  He is getting so big!

 

Reading with Daddy.  She’s already a bookworm like her Mommy.

Back Patting.

I got a comment a few days ago, along with an e-mail, that has been on my mind a lot.  It hit a very personal nerve, but I figured that it could only be helpful to share openly here.

Both the comment and the e-mail referred to the blog as a place for foster parents to give themselves a little proverbial back pat.  A “good job, you’re doing a great thing.”

 

This is not at all my intention.  And if it comes off that way, I am really, very sorry.

 

I am just a normal person. (Actually ‘normal’ may be a little too flattering.)  I am not special.  I am, in fact, broken and sinful.  This ‘fostering’ thing that I do, it’s in an attempt to love.  I don’t profess to be great at it – in fact most of the time I feel like I’m flying by the seat of my pants (at times straight into a brick wall.).  In fact, Brian has said many times that he hopes that people look at us and think, “Well, if the Popps can do it, ANYONE can do it!” 

The truth is, is that if it weren’t for Jesus, His grace for me, His love,

 

I wouldn’t be a foster parent at all.

 

There have been several times in this journey that if it weren’t for Christ,

 

I would have quit.  Walked away.  Stopped caring.

 

It is in my nature to be selfish.  To want my life to be about me.  If it weren’t for God, that is what I would choose.  It doesn’t feel good to say that.  To be completely honest, I wish that fostering was something that I could brag about – but it’s not.

 

The purpose of this blog is not to make myself feel good.

My hopes for this blog are that it helps to make fostering less scary for people who are considering it.  I hope to show people a need that they don’t know is there.  I hope to encourage people to step out in love.  I hope to make fostering, and the lives of these kids real.  I hope to be an advocate for these kids.  I hope to be a place where current foster parents can find fellowship and encouragement.

But mostly, I hope to glorify my creator in all of this.  I hope to make Him shine.  I hope to show others His love.  If He uses me for this, I’ll count it a blessing.

 

So there is no back patting.  There is nothing to pat our backs about.  I am doing what He has asked of me – and sometimes I pout and stomp my feet along the way.  What I’m meaning to say is this is not about me.

 

It’s about Him.

It’s about kids who need love.

It’s about being God’s hands and feet on this earth.

 

There are no backs to pat here.

Young ‘uns.

This morning while I was at the grocery store, the very sweet elderly woman at the cash register commented on how darling my little sister is.

I don’t have a little sister.

I have a daughter. (although I’m not going to argue with you over her being darling.)

 

I know, I get it.  Brian and I are young.  And I look like I’m quite a bit younger than I actually am.  But just give me the benefit of the doubt.  Please? 

When we go out to dinner, the wine glasses are automatically removed from the tables, “Coke? Lemonade?" we’re asked?  When we have children placed with us who are over the age of 2 it really throws people for a loop.  We went and got the boys registered for school last week and the art teacher came in to introduce herself.  (A very nice woman I might add.)  She asked the boys what grades they were in and who their teachers would be.  I’m filling out paperwork when I hear her ask someone if they’ll be registering at the middle school.  She asks again, and out of the corner of her eye I notice….no, there’s NO way, seriously?  She’s looking at ME.  I politely let her know that I am the boys foster mother, and while I’m not really old enough to have birthed them, I am NOT a middle schooler.

 

You should have seen it when X-man was first placed with us.  I was 9 (going on fifteen) months pregnant, carrying around a little boy on my hip who looked to be about 7 months old, and I look like I’m 15.  Add the fact that I was using WIC vouchers to buy his pediasure (before he was on any solids) and I got all kinds of nasty looks from the old women in the check out line.  Whispers.  Glares.  I could almost hear them thinking, “Teen mom, got herself pregnant again as soon as she popped out the first one, and I’M paying for her baby’s food.  Hmph.”  (Very rude old ladies.)

 

The one that took the cake was when Brian and I were leaving for our honeymoon.  Our HONEYMOON.  As we were boarding the plane Brian had his ticket scanned and boarded, but as I started to hand over my ticket, the sweet stewardess bends over to look me in the eye and in a very sugary tone asks, “Now honey, do you want someone to help you board the plane?”  no.  “Oh, well I was just checking, because normally we have someone accompany children 11 and under.”   !!!!!!!!!  11?  Ok, I can maybe understand 18.  11.  ugh.

 

They say I’ll appreciate this someday.  They say that I should soak it up now.  But really.

Maybe I’ll start wearing a shirt around that says, ‘If you don’t believe me, I’ll show you my stretch marks.’  That would get ‘em.

The Windy City.

On Thursday we left on quite the expedition.

Ten hours in the car with all three kids – road trippin’ to the grand city of Chicago.  Overall the car trip went really well, and the boys were very excited to get to see a big city.  We got to hang out with Brian’s whole family – celebrating the birth of a beautiful baby boy, and the second birthday of his big sister.

 

             Zee entertaining Sylvia in the car…

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

                                                                 Sylvia not being very entertained.

 

Boys!  That’s enough!

(Probably the most repeated phrase of the weekend.)

Zee, give me the camera.  Now.

 

Finally there to see a sweet little boy, and a red headed beauty.

 

On the metra on the way into the city.  The boys were very excited, they had never been on a train before.  Sylvia was obviously thrilled.

 

Sylvie in the city with her Aunt Jen.

 

Gettin’ some Chicago style pizza.  mmmmm…

 

 

Sylvie sitting in a tree.

(She has great balance.)

 

Walking to Millennium Park.

 

Sylvie and Uncle Daniel.

 

Weird sculpture in Millennium Park.

 

The boys in front of The Bean.

 

The birthday girl!

 

This is my father in law climbing a tree to get a ball out.  My mother in law has warned me not to let him babysit.  (just joking Grandpa Richard :) )

 

The boys (by boys I mean the little ones and the big ones.) had a lot of fun playing outside.  It was a lot of fun getting to hang out with the family and just enjoy each other’s company.  It was also fun getting to travel with the boys (they had never left the state.) and getting to introduce them to so many new things.  Fun times were had by all in the windy city.

Outnumbered.

That is, Sylvia and I are.  Three boys, and just us two girls.  After all the burping and farting that’s been going on the last two days (that apparently my 26 year old husband still thinks is funny) I feel like breaking out into a remix of ‘I Will Survive’.  Probably more like adapt, I’ll have to adapt to this new testosterone driven household.  It’s different.

{I’ll refer to the boys as Jae and Zee.  Not to be confused with JayZ the rapper.  Is he even producing music anymore?  Pitiful, I’m so not up on cool music.  Anyway.  Jae and Zee they are.}

Jae and Zee seem to be doing really pretty well given their circumstances.  Third (I think) foster home in nine months.  Third school in nine months.  Third life in nine months.  Third set of friends in nine months.  And through all of that, they seem to be adapting so well.  They get along really well, despite they have completely opposite personalities. 

Jae, 9,  is on the quiet side.  I can tell he is very sensitive.  We were enjoying a baseball game yesterday and when I was rooting for the batter to get struck out he looked at me very seriously and said, “I don’t think it’s very nice to root for him to do bad.  I think we should root for everyone.”  He’s super sweet, and the emotional impact of the transition has been more apparent with him. 

Zee, 8, is very, very not quiet.  That kid has enough energy for about 3 adults and 2 puppies.  Of course, he’s an 8 year old boy, so I would expect nothing else.  His last foster home had him tested for ADHD (these are actually the first boys we’ve EVER fostered that have not been on medication for ADHD – kinda makes you wonder – but all that for another post.) and the doctor said that he is a ‘high risk’ child for ADHD.  They were going to put him on meds.  I say we’re going to wait it out.  Kids in the system get a bad rap.  I say he has as much energy as an 8 year old boy should.  I can tell that Zee is going to test us a bit more than Jae will.  I also think that he is going to hide his emotions about all of this behind his perky personality.  All challenges we’ll work through together.

 

We’re still waiting to hear anything more about their case.  No word on visits with parents, therapy, or even about their case history – but hopefully we’ll be filled in soon. 

 

These kids are fabulous.  Albeit they’re obsessed with bodily functions, think it is totally weird that I nurse Sylvia, and are completely grossed out by girls {explaining to them that I am a girl did no good.}, I think I’ll get used to this boy thing.

A Surprise Visit.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from X-man’s foster mom to see if we wanted to hang out with him!  Of Course!  I was thrilled.  I was beginning to think we may not actually get to keep in contact with him, so this was more than exciting.  We hadn’t seen him in a month, so I wasn’t sure how it would go – little ones forget more quickly (enter: knife into my heart) and get confused.

We took him to the park.  He really has already grown so much, and he’s looking older.  We played and played, and barbequed burgers for a picnic dinner. 

 

Check out that big boy hair cut – and I believe the fat lip makes him look older too.  Ha!  And that belly!  Can you believe that seven short months ago this child weighed 12 pounds?!?!  

He did seem a little confused at first, which broke my heart.  But as soon as we played a short ice-breaker – throwing grass in each other’s hair – he was his spunky self.

 

 

 

Sylvie decided she wanted to see what X’s shoe tasted like – of course.  Who could pass up all that tasty dirt?

He decided it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

 

Hello?  Who is it?

 

 

We were so excited to see our sweet boy.  I feel so blessed that we get to stay in contact with so many of our kids.  I had forgotten how difficult the first couple of visits are after a move, though.  When X-man left our house one month ago, in his mind, we were his parents.  He was excited to see us when we had been away.  He preferred us to other people.  We knew all the ways to make him laugh.  Only we could make it better when he was sad.

Yesterday when I went to pick him up, I was none of these things.  I was no longer his mamma.  He recognized me, but there was no laughing and running to the door as if to say, “Momma, finally!  You’ve come to pick me up!”  like there always was before. 

I’m happy for him that he is not still so attached.  It would be horrible for him if he was not able to let us go and adjust to his new home.  But it is heart wrenching for me.  I was his mamma.  And now I’m not.  It hurts.  But like I’ve said before, it only hurts because we loved each other well.  I do love this little boy.  I can not wait to see him again.