Why Foster?

Good Info To Have:

Money Issues

 

I feel like this is the infamous topic of fostering.  Cause you know that we’re all just doin’ it for the dough that we are undoubtedly rolling in, right?  (right…or….not.)

To be honest, there are people who ‘do it for the money’.  During my time as a caseworker, I worked with foster parents that did.  I’m still clueless as to how they made that work.  But anyway….

 

• When you are a licensed home and you have children placed with you, the state sends you a monthly reimbursement check.  The amount varies depending on the state you live in, and they will likely be skidish to share much specific info on the topic, as they are trying to avoid said foster parents ‘doing it for the money.’ 
• Also, while a child is in state custody, they are on Medicaid.  It isn’t an option for them not to be.  So healthcare is taken care of (except it is next to impossible to find good care for kids on Medicaid – infuriating – but all that for another post.). 
• Also good info to have: if you and your significant other both work, the state also pays for childcare.  You are somewhat limited in what daycares you can use, but there are usually a few to choose from.
• Finally, most states also have a very minimal clothing allowance that they send out approximately every six months to help with clothes for the kids.  And some states have an additional ‘diaper allowance’ that they give families with children under the age of two.

 

I would say that this is a non-issue.  I wouldn’t even post on it…except that, there have been times when Brian and I would not have been able to foster, or not been able to give our foster kids the experiences that we have, had it not been for the help offered by the state.  For example, last month when we went to Horn Creek and did lots of extra fun stuff with the kids, or birthday months, etc.

What I mean to say is it isn’t wrong to need your reimbursement check when fostering.  If it were, then only rich people could foster.  The money is there so that people who have a heart for fostering and for these kids can afford to do it.

So, long story short, don’t let money be a reason you don’t foster until you’ve talked with your agency! 

 

{ I’m posting on this topic because there are a lot of people who probably assume they can’t afford to foster, when really they’d be really great foster parents!  I’m posting at the risk that I’ll get some nasty comment regarding money in foster care – but please realize that money is not, has not, and never will be a central issue for us in fostering.  It is something that has to be considered, though, in the decision to foster.  And to be perfectly honest, if we didn’t have a heart for it, and if we didn’t love these kids like crazy, then you couldn’t pay me enough money to do this!  Ha! 

So.  The disclaimer has been made.  Please be nice.}

The ‘n’ word.

As in ‘no’. 

Have I mentioned I’m no good at that word?  That I’m not sure of the last time that I willingly said that word?  (With exception to saying it to the children.  But that was a given.)  That any time I have to say that word I get this guilty knot in the pit of my stomach, and immediately change it to the much more loved, easy to say, non-confrontative, smile inducing ‘y’ word?

Well, I’m here to admit it.  I suck at saying no.  (I get it from my mom.  Even though when she reads this she might deny it.  But she sucks at saying no too.  It’s genetic.)

 

Last night Brian and I had a long conversation about the dreaded word.  And we agreed that we do, in fact, need to become more proficient at it’s use.

More specifically we talked about our boundaries and limits as foster parents.  Up until now, we have essentially taken any placement that they called us with, short of severe physical aggression.  Here are the new boundaries (still in the revision stage) and why:

 

• We won’t take any more respite placements as long as we have a long term placement.  (with VERY few exceptions to kids we’ve already done respite for.)  In this case with the boys, and any other kids we have in the future, I think that the stability of not having kids in and out will be very helpful, and that we have made a commitment to them to provide them the best environment for their healing.
• We won’t take any more emergency placements.  For two reasons.  The same as above – for stability for long term placements.  Also for stability for Sylvia and any other kids down the line – emergency placements are very disruptive and confusing, and I think that for our family that might be too much.  Also, there is the unknown.  For example is no way to know about physical aggression, which is not something we can risk with very young children in the home.
• We also feel like we need to be more selective as to what placements are good matches for our family.  I feel like the boys we have right now are a great match.  The girls we have for emergency, however are not.  I don’t feel like I can give them what they need with this many children in the home, and that is not fair to them, the other kids, or me.
• I can’t think of the others, but this is the gist.

 

The honest truth is that I feel so relieved to have discussed these boundaries.  It’s like I have permission to say no, and know that it can be a good thing!  It sounds silly, but I have found myself feeling guilty when I want to turn down a placement because it seems best for Sylvie, or when I want to turn down respite because it would be best for the other kids placed with us.  I know it’s not God giving me guilt.  Sometimes it’s like, if I don’t feel like I am completely maxed out, I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.  Like I’m giving enough.  I think it’s a mixture of symptoms I’ve picked up from broad society, church, and my own personality – and it’s no good.  It’s not godly. 

God gives me responsibilities.  He has given me my husband, Sylvia, and different children who have been with us for different amounts of time.  When he blesses me with one of these responsibilities, I need to be able to say no to other things, so that I can say yes to what he has placed in front of me.

So, changes. 

I’m not sure that this post makes a ton of sense to someone not inside my brain.  I’m not sharing just to share, or to vent, or anything else.  Mostly I’m sharing this in hopes that someone who struggles with the same ‘if I’m not losing my mind I’m not doing enough to help others’ mentality might identify, see that we’re all crazy, maybe create some boundaries of their own.  Because I’ve realized that without boundaries and limits – I’m no help to anyone!

I hope this post doesn’t discourage others from fostering.  Maybe just that it encourages honest evaluation of what God is asking.  Hope this made sense.  The end.

Why Foster?

Good Info To Have

Space.

 

  I think that a lot of people (who have never been to our house) hear that we have five kids at a time and assume we live in some mansion.  But that’s not the case.  Although, when we do have five kids running around, sometimes I wish we did.

  There are some really pretty specific space guidelines for fostering that outline how many kids your house can hold.  {I’m sure these vary some from state to state – so check with your local agency!}  Where we live, this is the breakdown:

•    Minimum of 75 square feet to count a room as a bedroom.
•    After that, it is 90 square feet for two in a bedroom, 135 square feet for three,   etc.
•    Basically 45 square feet per child.

 

   Also:

•    - Every bedroom used for fostering has to have separate storage space (dresser and or closet) for each child in the room.  (As long as the kids have space to put their stuff, you’re good.)
• Children six and older can only stay in the same room as children of the same sex, regardless of sibling status.
• Only children over six can stay in the top bunk of bunk beds.

 

Brian and I live in a three bedroom house, that also has a small office (no closet).  Recently, in order to make more space, we moved our room into the small office room.  It’s tight, but we don’t spend a lot of time in our room – what’s the old adage?  Less is more?  Something like that.

One of the bedrooms is very small – that’s Sylvie’s room.

The room that is supposed to be the master bedroom is where the boys currently stay, and if their siblings move in, is also where their brother would stay.

The third bedroom is large enough for two children, and has a set of bunk beds in it.

I’m pretty sure the way we have it now, we could take four foster kids regardless of age and sex. 

 

So, we don’t live in a mansion.  We just like to be close.  And if you have any inkling at all that you’d like to foster, I bet if you take a close look at your floor plan, you might just be able to figure out the space predicament!

 

{If you have any questions, please let me know!  I’ll do my best to answer them, or point you in the direction of someone who can.  You can leave questions in the question box in the right of the blog, in the comments, or you can e-mail me!  You should foster, you’d be great at it.}

An Open Book.

Well, probably not really.

But…thanks to Adoptive Mamma Of Two, I found this great service called formspring.  On the right there is a box where you can type in any questions that you have, and it sends them to me.  I’ll answer the best I can or point you in the direction of someone who can!  You can ask anonymously, or with an ID.  It’s possible I might use some of the questions for Why Foster? blog posts, but I’ll always ask you first!  (You can still just use my e-mail if you’d like.)

 

So, send your fostering/adoption through foster care questions my way, and hopefully this makes it easier for you to ask questions with less hassle!

Why Foster?

Foster Care Awareness Month

May is Foster Care Awareness Month.  I got this video off of another foster parent’s blog – she put it together with some friends of hers.  I love the video – it’s really well done, and it only serves to make me more passionate about fostering and loving these kids. (You didn’t think that was possible, did you?)  I pray that it moves hearts.

My posts the last couple of weeks have been honest.  The majority of the last two weeks have been rough.  But I don’t want to make you think for a second that this is not a blessing.  It is a blessing, and a privilege to get to be a part of these kids’ lives.  Even during the rough times, I would not hesitate to recommend fostering.  It will change your life, and will forever impact the kids you come to love.

 

 

The video lists some ways of helping other than licensing to foster, like:

• Becoming a CASA advocate.  As a CASA advocate you are assigned to kids in the system and help to advocate for them in the court system.  GREAT program.
• Becoming a respite provider in order to give foster parents needed breaks.  To be a licensed respite provider you take the same classes as a foster parent, but kids only come to stay with you for a few days at a time.  In some states you can babysit for foster parents simply by having a background check done.  To learn more, contact your local state agency.
• If you’re a Harley fan, you can join BACA (Bikers Against Child Abuse).  The kids LOVE it when a bunch of bikers show up for their court hearings.  It also serves to make them feel safe if the perp is at the hearing.  This program was great – the kids on my caseload loved it.
• Donate clothes, bikes, stuffed animals, hygiene supplies, journals, schools supplies, or new toys to your local fostering agency.
• Adopt!
• Tutor a child, or sponsor a child through Big Brothers/Big Sisters of America.
• There are so many ways to help these kids!  What’s your gift?

 

{ If you have any questions about fostering, or the other programs that are listed, please let me know!  You can leave questions in the comments, or e-mail me.  I will do my best to answer or point you in the direction of someone who can!}

Daddy's View: Episode I - The reluctant one

Hey, Brian here, also known as Daddy. Maggie (and various visitors) have requested that I share the Man's perspective on fostering, so I wanted to do a series of "guest" posts. I put "guests" in quotations because, while this is technically my family's blog, it's really Maggie's. I want to start from the beginning, before Jae and Zee, before X-man, before the girls, back when my life was "normal".

At the beginning of 2008, we were living a great, normal American life. We celebrated our first anniversary a week after closing on our first home. I was really enjoying my first job, and Maggie was winning employee of the month awards at her social work job. Life was easy, and I really liked that! About a month after we moved in to our house, we traveled to Dallas with a group of young adults from our church to the Passion conference. While we were there, a pastor named Francis Chan told a story during one of his talks about a woman in East Asia who had rescued over 100 children from brothels and taken them in, fed them and found them homes. Towards the end of the story, after talking about how many lives this woman had changed, he related it to the American dream (you know, owning a house, accumulating wealth, etc.) and asked "Would you rather wake up in twenty years to your big, beautifully decorated living room, or wake up knowing you've helped change the lives of dozens of children?"

Okay. Wow.

Now we had talked even before we got married about how we would "someday" foster or adopt. But to me "someday" meant a long time away. "Someday" was after we had kids of our own and they were older. "Someday" was something other than "right now". But all signs were pointing to the fact that we were clearly being called to foster "right now" God had taken away all of our excuses (Not enough space? We had just purchased a 4 BR home. Not old enough? 1 Timothy 4:12. Not enough money? Matthew 6:25.), and the Passion conference was just the kick in the butt we needed to get it in gear.

Okay, so by now I had realized that this is something that we're supposed to do. But I still didn't want to do it. To me, it was a scary thing: I had never been a father, what if I wasn't good at it? I had never met a foster child, what if I couldn't love them? I had heard about what some of these kids go through, what if I just wasn't cut out to deal with it? And on top of all of that I really liked the life I already had. Why go out of my way to make myself uncomfortable? I was thinking about all of these things during my first day back at work after the Passion conference, trying to convince myself that this was the right thing to do, and that we should just do it. But without me knowing beforehand, Maggie that same day had already signed us up for classes! Now wives, I don't recommend that you do this! Maggie knows me pretty well and figured I just needed that last nudge in the right direction.

So that's how we started the training, but what about all of those fears I had? I asked a few of my good friends to pray for my heart, that God would change my heart and prepare me for being a foster dad. And while I did begin to feel peace about it, most of my fears didn't go away before we started fostering (I'll talk more about their resolution in my next post). And I guess that's the point. We're called as believers to be obedient in whatever God has for us. And while some fears are legitimate and we're called to be discerning, I knew that fostering is what God was calling us to do, so my own misgivings shouldn't matter. If your family is feeling God's call to foster or adopt, I challenge you to be obedient: the God who gave this self-centered man a heart for foster children will be faithful to his promises!

In my next post I'll talk about some of the fears I had about being a foster dad, and how many of them disappeared when we got our first placement. Please email and let us know if there are any specific questions you would like to have answered from a Daddy perspective.

Why Foster?

 

Good Info to Have:

Boundaries and Limits.

 

I’ve gotten questions about how specific you can be in defining what children you are able to take into your home when you foster. Most people I’ve talked to are relieved and/or surprised to hear the answer.

It sounds awful.  What children will you take?  Which children will you have to say no to?  But realistically, you have to know your limits, and know your family.  It’s important to consider the ages and sex of your bio kids.  It’s important to consider what behaviors you think you can handle.  This is for your own good and safety, as well as for the children who will come to your home.  It isn’t good for anyone involved to get in over your head, and for the child to have to move (again) from your home.  (Although this can still happen.  Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say yes to.  Sometimes behaviors pop up after the kids are placed that aren’t safe for your family.  Disruptions are hard, but are occasionally necessary.)

 

So, how specific can you be?

I could call my worker right now and tell her that we can only take white, female, 6 year olds.  That’s how specific.  Now if I did that, I probably wouldn’t get many calls for placement, but if that’s how it needs to be, then that is fine.

Also, while you are licensing you should be asked to go through a list of behaviors that you can or cannot accept.  This is helpful in giving you an idea of what you may see.  I will say, that the behaviors that they list are exactly what they describe.  I struggle with being pretty idealistic with what I can handle – but some of the behaviors are not things I would know how to help. 

It’s also important to note that at any time I could call my worker and have our profile turned off (so that we wouldn’t get any calls), or I could change our selected age group or other identifiers.  Also, you can distinguish between whether you would like to do only short term placements, emergency placements, long term placements, or any mix of the three.  Fostering is designed to be very flexible in this way for the foster parent.

 

Brian and I take kids 12 and under.  We decided that we would hold off on taking teenagers until we stop looking like teenagers ourselves.  We also cannot take children who have severe problems with physical aggression because we have Sylvia, and we have to be safe.  We are licensed for up to four kids.  We try to stay really open minded about placements, knowing that only God can know what we can really handle, and that He is involved in every step of the way.

 

I think what is most important is knowing your own family.  What would be safe?  What wouldn’t?  Are there any behaviors that you know you would not feel comfortable with?  And of course, you can always discuss these things with your worker to get an outside perspective as well. 

 

Hope this helps!  Let me know if you have questions, I’ll try to answer, or point you in the right direction toward someone who can! 

Why Foster?

Get Involved:

Reason #935.

There are approximately 143 million orphans around the world.

About 500,000 orphans live in the United States.

Of those in foster care, 150,000 children are waiting to be adopted into a loving home.

There are over 300,000 churches in the United States.

 

If {one} family in every two churches adopted a child from foster care – there would be no more waiting children.  Only waiting families.

 

There are over {fifty} verses in the bible that refer to orphans.  We are directed to do something meaningful, tangible to impact the lives of these children.  God doesn’t ask us if we want to.  He doesn’t ask us if they’ll fit, or if our bank accounts are full. (He is the provider, after all.)  He doesn’t ask us if we have time.  He doesn’t ask us if we feel equipped.  He doesn’t ask us if it will be inconvenient.

 

He tells us.

“Religion that I accept as pure and faultless is this:  to look after orphans and widows in their need and to keep yourself from being polluted by the world.”

                                                                                            -God.

 

That just. doesn’t. sound. like a request.

It sounds like God telling us what matters to Him, and telling us to make Him what matters.

 

 

{If you have any questions about fostering, the process, how it works, the kids, how to help outside of actually being a foster parent, or adoption through foster care – please let me know!   I’ll help as much as I can or point you in the right direction.  You can leave questions in the comments or e-mail me!}

Why Foster?

 

Get Involved/

Good Info to Have.

A Walk in Their Shoes.

 

A few months ago I completed a training to be certified as a teacher for licensing classes. (To train people to be foster parents.)  During the classes, one of the exercises that we do is an ‘imaginary journey.’  The purpose is to help the potential foster parents to start to understand the emotions that the children coming to their home may be experiencing.  I think this is a good exercise for potential foster parents, as well as a good refresher for people currently fostering.  I realize this is long.  But if you have time, read through it.

Anyway, normally I would tell you to relax and close your eyes as I read this to you, and for you to pay particular attention to the emotions you experience.  But since you have to read it – just try to imagine the journey in your mind’s eye.

 

 

All of us have a place that we call home.  A place that, hopefully, makes us feel secure, is familiar, and even though it isn’t always perfect, it is what we know.  Picture the place that you call home.  Picture the people that live in your home with you, or spend a lot of time in your home.  Maybe your spouse.  Maybe your children.  Maybe close friends or extended family.  Picture any pets that you have.  Your dog, your cat, your fish.  Perhaps there is a particular place in your home that is especially comfortable or inviting.  A place that you can relax, a place you like to snuggle up in, a place that has a lot of sentimental value.  Picture that special place.  Picture those special possessions that make your home uniquely yours.  Smell the aromas of your home – perhaps the lingering smells of your favorite foods, or a loved one’s perfume.  Listen to sounds you often hear in your home.  The ticking of a clock, the notes of music.  The sound of television.  The sound of children.  Hear the voices of the people in your home.

Now that you have your home and people and things clearly in your mind, I need to tell you who I am and what I do.  I am a person with many responsibilities and much authority.  My job is to move people.  I move people to live in new homes, to live with new people.  That is what I will be doing with your right now.  I am going to move you to a new home, to a new family.  In the new home will be new people who have been waiting for someone like you for a long time.  There are children who want to call you mom or dad.

 

How does this make you feel?

 

Now, picture me at your front door.  Knock.  Knock.  Knock.

We do not have a lot of time.  We do not have a lot of space.  So you will need to quickly pack up only a few things that you really need.  Only enough to fill a cardboard box, or a small trash bag.  Look around your home.  What will you pack?  You are only allowed to bring things, no people, children, or pets.  The new family does not have room for pets. 

 

So what are you packing?

 

Now we need to leave.  Sorry there hasn’t been more notice, but there isn’t time – it’s been decided that you have to leave.  We walk out your front door and get into my car.  If you want to, you may look back.  Picture your house, with the faces of any people who may be there looking out the window to watch you leave.  We get into the car and begin to leave, but you’re not sure where we are going.  We drive through the area around your home – this all looks familiar to you – but soon we are in a different neighborhood, town, even county, and things are not familiar anymore. 

If you look around you will see that this neighborhood is much nicer than yours.  The homes are all bigger and much more fashionable, and the cars in the driveways are much nicer than any you’ve ever ridden in.  The house where you will live is much nicer than your own.  You will have all the things in your new home that you always wanted but could not afford.

Let me tell you about the family with whom you will be living.  They are so excited to meet you and that you will be living with them.  They have been waiting for a mom or dad to come live with them for so long, and they have lots of plans for what you can do together.  I have told them all about you and they have wanted someone like you for a very long time.  Just think, there is an adult in this home that wants to call you a husband, wife, or partner.  There are children who will call you mom or dad, and they are so excited for you to be a real part of their family. 

 

How are you feeling as we near the house?

Do you have any questions about the family?  Any concerns?  Any reservations?  Yes?  Those are all very good questions.  Unfortunately, I’m so busy moving people that I don’t quite have the time to find out the answers.

 

We drive up in front of the house and pull into the driveway.  You seem tentative to get out, but it’s getting late, and we need to get inside.  We walk up to the front door and knock.  The door opens and there is a family, all smiling and very excited to meet you.  Just look at all the smiling faces. 

 

How do you feel about the people at the door?

How soon do you want to see the family and friends that you left behind?

How do you think your new family will feel about you wanting to see your old family?

How long will it take for you to feel like you fit in with this new family?  Will you ever fit in?  Feel the same way as you did with your old family?

 

 

Despite the fact that you thought you couldn’t ever fit in, or that it would take a long time, you have done so.  The family members have helped you meet your needs and attach to them.  Think about your strengths and coping skills, and using these to live successfully with this new family.  Remember that this family has helped you attach to them by helping you meet your needs.  You have learned to trust them.  It has not been easy, and it has taken time.  In fact, it has been 12 months.

I know that you wanted to see your old family and friends immediately, but I forgot to mention that the only way that could happen is if I arrange it for you.  You cannot have contact other than through me.  And I have been too busy to make arrangements.  So, you have not had a chance to see your people.  In fact, it has been a full 12 months since you came to live with this family and you have not seen your old family.

 

Despite the fact that you have not seen your old family, you have done a wonderful job fitting in.  In fact, you have done such a wonderful job, that I have good news for you.  You get to go home.  We will not have a lot of time or space, but you may pack anything you want to take back home with you.

 

How do you feel about this news?  Are you ready to go home?  Do you want to go home?  Do you want the family that you are living with to want you to go home?  Do you want the family you are living with to help you to go home?  How do you want the new family to feel when you leave?

 

There have undoubtedly been some changes in the year since you left.  What sort of changes do you think have been made?  If you have children, how old are they now?  If you have a spouse, how has that person managed without you?  If you live alone, how are your friends spending their time now?  How do your children feel about you now that you are returning home?

Will your relationships be like they were before you left?  Will there be problems adjusting back in with your old family?  Would you come to me for help with those problems?

 

In just a few minutes of imagining this journey, how are you feeling emotionally?

 

This is why we need good foster parents.  People who can consider these things.  How would the story have been different if you went to a home who was only taking you for the money?  A family who did not try to help you fit in?  A family who could not help you go back home?  It happens.  All the time.

Why Foster?

Good Info to Have:

The Licensing Interview Process

I have gotten LOTS of e-mails and questions about the licensing process – more specifically about the interview/homestudy process.  Let me begin with:

 

Take a deep breath.  It’s not as scary as you would think.  They know that no one is perfect (or normal for that matter) and when they come to your home they are not going to notice your baseboards, the film on the inside of your microwave, the boogers your son wiped under the edge of the table, or even that huge pile of laundry you’re afraid they may drown in.

 

questions, questions.

When you are filling out your profile, homestudy, whatever-they-call-it-in-your-state thingy – really just be honest.  Unless you admit to something that would endanger a child, they’re not going to freak out.  They might ask you questions about a few answers that they are not clear on – but when your palms get sweaty, just remind yourself that they are just doing their job.  On our profile it asked what each of us does when we get angry.  Brian really rarely gets upset.  However, he answered that when he does, that he throws things (yeah, how’s that for a pc answer on a fostering profile?).  Our worker questioned us on it, and I (while elbowing him for writing that – who writes that????) explained that what he meant was that when he gets mad while he’s watching sports – really the only time he gets mad- he throws his hat on the floor out of frustration. 

So even if you write something totally dumb on your profile – it’s probably going to be ok.

 

holy roller.

I’ve also been asked whether or not to be forthcoming about religious affiliations.  Brian and I were honest about our faith, and the role it had in us becoming foster parents.  As long as you are willing to be accepting of older children’s decisions on religion (that, or not take children with different beliefs) then it’s generally not an issue.  So just be honest.

 

spring cleaning.

Most of my good friends will tell you that I go on a cleaning rampage when it comes time for us to re-license.  But it is definitely because I’m a neat-freak under stress, and definitely not because they expect your house to sparkle.  In fact, if you have kids, they might be a little more skeptical if they walk in and your house looks like no one actually lives in it – your house is supposed to be messy when you have kids, and they know that.

 

red tape.

When it comes to licensing regulations, just make sure you’ve read through them, and that you’ve completed as much as you know to.  You can always call your agency to ask questions.  The regs are something that they are actually pretty sticky about.  We’ve not been through a licensing/relicensing where we weren’t cited for something.  But they will tell you what is wrong, and you have time to fix it.  For initial licensing, it will speed up the process if you have everything taken care of though.

 

mental health or past abuse.

I’ve gotten a lot of questions regarding how the agency will react to former mental health diagnoses, or abuse that a potential foster parent was subject to earlier in life.  These things do not automatically disqualify you to be a foster parent!  It is important to be honest about them, and they will most likely ask you a couple of non-intrusive questions about it.  They just want to make sure that these things have been processed and handled in such a way that they will not interfere with your ability to parent the children who come into care.

 

 

 

I know there are other questions people had – but I’m having a hard time remembering them all!  If you have questions about the licensing process, just leave it in the comments, or e-mail me and I’ll be happy to help in any way I can!