Bella.

 

  Our newest addition, who I have settled on calling Bella, loves to play outside.  I think after being cooped up in the hospital for five days, she was going a bit stir crazy.  Every moment she is asking to go out.

  I think she spends a lot of time outside when she is at home, and so it makes her feel a little less homesick to be out there.  Her sickness also makes her get cold much easier than most, so I think the heat is a welcome reprieve from the air conditioning for her.

 

  So we’ve spent a lot of time at the park the last two days – which  doesn’t have Sylvia complaining either!

 

 

 

 

It seems like typically with kids we have had, with the honeymoon period comes a fake happiness, covering up what they are really feeling.  That hasn’t been true this time.  Bella is very sad and expresses her feelings pretty openly, which I can only think is good for her.

 

 

  I wish so badly that she could stay here.  We’ve always said that we would never ask a child to leave unless it wasn’t safe for them to be here, either for them or for other children in the home.  And really that’s the case here.  I am not capable of caring for her long term in the ways she needs while still providing everything that the other children in our home need.  I am hopeful that one of her relatives are able to take care of her where she will be comfortable and things would be familiar. 

 

 

  We went out yesterday and got a bunch of pretty new clothes for her and some flip flops, which are by far her favorite purchase.  She was excited to pick out a couple of new dresses.

  Bed time is the hardest time for her, and for now we have a toddler bed set up in our room so that she can be close to us.  Food will be a challenge.  The only things she asks for are Pepsi, Pop Tarts, and Frosted Flakes – and really mostly refuses any other food.  We got some Frosted Flakes, and I am trying to get some nutrition in her in other ways.  Feeding a suppressed immune system sugar will only hurt her little body, so we have to figure out other ways to get her the things her body needs.

 

  Please pray for her.

Between a Rock and a Ridiculously Hard Place.

 

  We had a little girl placed with us yesterday.  She’s 3, and she’s sweet, and she’s beautful, and she’s very, very sick.

 

  When intake called they told us that she was sick.  They also told us that she would have treatment at the hospital once every ten days.  They also told us that she only had treatment for another 2 months and then she was done.  They also told us she could start preschool in January.

 

  Well.  actually only one of these things they told us is correct, and that one thing is that she is sick. 

 

  We got to the hospital to pick her up and we spoke with the social worker and doctor for a few minutes.  They had already told her that she was going home with us.  We went in and met her and they started training us on how to care for her. 

  It wasn’t until the last few minutes of our meeting that they told us the reality of all this.  Things we hadn’t been told.

 

  So come to find out, she doesn’t just have treatment once every ten days.  She has to go to labs twice per week – which takes a few hours – and she has treatment every ten days – which takes several hours.  This all amounts to two to three days in the hospital every week.  Also, she has treatment for two more years, not months.

minor details.

 

  I’m not under the impression that this is our agency’s fault in any way –  I don’t think the hospital gave them the correct information, or all of the information.

 

  The problem lies in that what we thought we were saying yes to, and what we were really saying yes to are two completely different things.  I can be at the hospital one day every ten days, but with having other kids, I cannot be at the hospital two to three days per week.  I can’t expect Sylvie to sit in a waiting room for hours three days per week, I don’t have anywhere she can stay for that amount of time – and being away from the girls three out of five days won’t work.

 

  We’ve told the agency that this isn’t something we can do long term.  There are a few relatives that we’re hoping pan out in which case she could go there from our house.  Otherwise they will have to find another home for her.

 

  I hate that.  I hate this situation.  If we had only known to begin with, we would have known we weren’t a good match and we would have said no.  Now this poor baby girl who is already dealing with so, so much is going to have to move again.  I hate it.  It’s hard not to feel very frustrated.  I know that no one gave misinformation on purpose – but this is a big deal.  Let’s get it right.

 

  Please, please pray.  Pray for her health, pray for her heart, pray that one of her relatives comes through.

Yes, yes, yes, No.

  Any foster parent who’s been fostering for any time at all has had the same experience.

 

  Intake calls with a placement that seems almost too well suited for your family.  A perfect fit, as much as there can be in foster care.  You say yes.  Everything’s a go.  Bringing the kids in an hour.  Start rearranging your bedrooms.

  They call back.  Ummm…well, actually, nevermind.

Yuppers.  We got a call the other night for a two year old girl.  No siblings, mother in the area, just coming into care.  We were really excited and started to prepare our hearts to love her the best we possibly could.

Turned out they didn’t have a piece of paperwork that they needed to place with our agency.  Boo.  We were disappointed, but mostly were just praying they’d find a good, loving home for that little girl.  Not in the plans for us.

 

So we’re waiting again.  You’d think I’d get used to all this.  Not that it hasn’t gotten much easier – it’s just still not easy.  I just wish I could stop myself from getting my hopes up!

Anyone who has fostered for any time at all also knows what I’m talking about when I say I’m getting antsy.  I try so hard not to – just to be present and soak up the way things are now.  But it’s like a jolt of adrenaline through my veins each time the phone rings  ….   Is our whole life about to change?

 

But, soon enough, things will change.  Soakin’ up these two loves I’ve got here with me until they do.

Fun Weekend!

  This past weekend we had a four year old little girl for respite Friday through Sunday.  When we get short term respite placements, we do our best to spoil the heck out of them!  Not in a ‘their long term foster home is going to hate us’ kind of way.  We just want them to be absolutely sure of how much they are loved here – even for just a couple of days!

 

We had lots of fun doing art projects at a fun craft place nearby, followed by dinner at Chick-Fil-A (of course!) which got a resounding – “What?  They have a PLAYPLACE??!! This is the best place ever!”

The only thing better than crafts?  Crafts under a blacklight!

 

Sylvia was moderately jealous of sharing my snuggles.

 

Super Sylvie!

 

It never fails that any little girl placed with us (with the exception of a couple coming from sexual abuse backgrounds) absolutely soaks up the attention of a positive male role model.  I’m always amazed at the difference that Brian’s focused attention makes with them.

 

We fell in love with this little girl. So sweet.  I pray that she is loved unconditionally and thoroughly in her foster home!  Sometimes it’s so hard not to wish every respite placement could just move in!

Back in the Saddle.

  Ahhh, twists and turns, the story of our lives.

I think that some of our twists are a result of a Father who loves us enough to want to teach us to be dependent on Him.  He knows that given the opportunity, I will plan our next two years out down to the letter, even if I don’t realize I’m doing it – and he loves me enough not to let me do it.  He knows there is more beauty in full dependence on Him than there is in a carefully planned out life.

I’m also fairly certain that some of our twists are the result of our fight against dependence, our attempt to plan.  I’ve found that without a very concerted effort to listen, to wait, to follow, I end up trying to take steps that he hasn’t yet led me to, only to find myself doing a little backtracking and learning to wait patiently on God to do the leading.

 

Either way, twists and turns can be a good thing.  As long as we allow them to draw us closer to Christ instead of just into disappointment when plans shift from the blueprints our hard heads have concocted.

 

We continue to work with Samaritan Village – although as we do, it is clear that there is a great need for someone to be here working with the organization on structure and sustainability.  There is just work that needs to be done to ensure that the organization can continue to grow and serve in the long term.  Really, in order for us to be able to serve in that way, we need to be here – going to board meetings and being available for phone communication.  Things we cannot do from Africa, essentially.

So, we will continue to work with Samaritan Village from here until God shows us otherwise.  (I can almost hear the collective sigh of relief from our children’s grandparents. :) )

 

 

Other news?  This means we will be able to continue to foster right now!  I am joyful over this.  Although, God leading, I’d be happy to go to Tanzania, my heart was mourning having to leave fostering.  It is something I am so passionate about, and God has given me such a burden for.  So, praise God, we’re back in the saddle!! 

 

We actually have a respite placement coming this evening – and since accepting the respite placement have had no fewer than 4 phone calls for other children in need of placement.  (Have I mentioned we need more foster parents?)  So, here we go.

And I’m going to try to be better about blogging again.  I plan to make an effort to blog more about Samaritan Village, the fam, pictures, fostering, and this journey of refinement God’s got us on.

 

I so pray that God can be glorified in all of this.  In the twists and turns, in the refining of my heart, in whatever ways he chooses to use us.  That is my prayer.

Why Foster?

Reason #49:

Because yesterday we were called with a 6 month old baby who was purposely injured so badly that he is non-responsive, eating through a feeding tube, aware enough to feel pain, cannot move, is not tracking with his eyes, and has to wear a neck brace, hand splints, and boots.

We went to the hospital and I stood by his crib and watched him for an hour and a half.  We went knowing that we were naively hoping we could be a placement for him.  They cannot find anyone else.  After talking with the hospital social worker, the nurses, and his pediatric neurosurgeon, it was clear that with a one year old and a baby on the way it would be neither responsible or wise for us to take on his care.

And then I had to walk away, and leave him laying there, with only a prayer that they will eventually find a home for that sweet little boy.

But maybe you wouldn’t have to.  Walk away that is.

Maybe all of your kids are grown and gone.  Or,

Maybe you don’t have any kids. Or,

Maybe you or someone else in your home is a nurse or doctor who would know something about his care.  Or,

Maybe all your kids are old enough that they don’t pull on cords, or nurse, and are at school all day.

 

We had to say no.  But maybe you wouldn’t have to – and you could be all the difference.

 

The night before that we got a phone call for a little boy who is three and his sister who is five.  They don’t even have any reported behaviors.  It was an emergency, and they needed placement right then, and they were sitting in the office with the intake worker on the line.

We would have scooped up those babies in a heartbeat, but we have a respite placement right now through the end of the weekend, and we don’t have enough beds.  Let me tell you, we were racking our brains on how we could get another one in.

We just don’t have enough room right now.  But maybe you do.

Maybe you have a couple bedrooms that you use for when family is in town.  Or,

Maybe you have a room that you just use for all your extra stuff.  Or,

Maybe it would be better if all your kids didn’t have their own rooms.

 

We had to say no.  But maybe you wouldn’t have to – and you could be all the difference.

 

 

And that is ‘Why Foster?’.

Trust. More.

Brian and I have really been struggling as of late regarding placements.  Trying to determine what type (ages, behaviors, background info) of placement is a good fit right now.  Typically we’ve been open to almost any placement that they call us with.  But due to having Sylvia, our most recent experience, and some other factors playing into our lives right now we feel like it’s important for us to be very discerning at this time.

Lucky for us (since we haven’t come to any conclusions), we haven’t gotten any calls yet for children that would even be a possibility.  We’ve gotten lots of calls for kids with physical aggression, very large sibling groups, and older boys with no background info.  These, during this season of our lives, just aren’t possible.

 

Anyway.  We’ve been stressing about it.

How do you trust God while putting up stiff boundaries?  Is that really trusting at all?  But God also has given us brains to use, and the ability to determine lines between obedience and being foolish when he’s not asking us to be.

Back and forth.  Back and forth.

 

But I was thinking back to before Sylvia was born.  We had decided that we were not going to take any more placements until she arrived.  It was not out of lack of obedience or willingness – we just felt it was the best call to make, and we felt at peace with it.

Of course almost exactly one month before her grand entrance we got a phone call for a baby boy.  He was 15 months old, but was developmentally around 4 months, and he weighed a mere 12 pounds.  We knew it was crazy.  Most of the people we know thought it was crazy.  But it was undeniable that this frail little boy was exactly what God had for our family.  We prayed about it and knew that we needed to say yes.

And that was when we met our sweet X-man.

The first couple months after Sylvie was born were hard.  He was very high need, he was sick a lot, they were developmentally about 8 months apart.  And looking back, we would not trade one single moment of our time with our sweet boy.  (Okay, maybe that one moment when he crawled around the house with poop in the feet of his jammies.)  And what I wouldn’t do to get to give him another hug.  He is forever a part of my heart.

 

All that to say, that even when we had decided not to take placements for a while, God made it abundantly clear what he wanted of us.  I think Brian and I have been over analyzing it all.  We have been worried about trusting enough for the strength to take another placement – when what we really have been lacking is the trust that he will lead us in the next steps for our family.  And he will.

So we’ll keep taking phone calls, and we’ll keep praying, and I know that he will once again lead us to what he is asking of us – even if we aren’t clear on what that is.

 

This lesson God is teaching us reminds me of one of my favorite stories about Mother Teresa.  (I’ve quoted it here before, but who couldn’t use a little Mother Teresa in their day?)

 

A man felt the call of God on his life, he was sure that God had something huge planned for him. The only problem was that he wasn't sure what it was that he was supposed to do. So he figured he needed prayer. Upon meeting Mother Teresa, he asks her, "Mother Teresa, will you pray for me?" She says, "Sure, what would you like me to pray for you about?" He states, "Clarity. I want to know in no uncertain terms what God wants me to do with my life." She looks back at him and says, "No, I won't pray for you for that." Very confused and embarrassed, the man spurts out, "Well why not? I only want for my life what you have had so clearly in yours. You seem to always know exactly what God's calling you to do."
Mother Teresa looks back at him and said, "I sir, have never had clarity. What I have had is trust. So I'll pray that you learn to trust."

Where We’re At.

We are here:

• Still praying over and discussing the possibility of the boys’ siblings moving in.  Trying to consider all of the factors, which would be a whole different post.
• If we decide that we do not feel we can take their siblings, the caseworker wants to look for another home, closer to where the boys are from, that can take all four kids.
• If we cannot take their siblings, they want to move the boys before the beginning of the school year.
• If we do take their siblings, we are, in essence, adopting them. (Hence this being such a huge decision.)  Unless by some chance they quickly find an adoptive home for an older sibling set of four (unlikely) then they would be with us for a long time.  If they are with us for a long time – adoption just makes sense.
• We feel like we could do it.  We just aren’t sure it is best for all of the kids.
• Maybe I will try to write a post explaining our thinking and reasoning thus far.  But it would take forever, and I’m not sure it would make any sense to anyone but me, so we’ll see.

 

All of this brings me to tears. 

Contrary to what one may think, deciding that we will take their siblings would be the easier choice for us to make.  We don’t want the boys to have to move, we want them all to be together, we want to be able to serve them in every way possible.  It would be much, much harder for us to decide that we cannot do it – but we also want to be responsible in this decision – and in the end it may not be best.

 

Prayers for discernment and for the kids’ hearts is so appreciated.  I wish all this were easier.

I am weak. Thank goodness.

I feel like I’m in a better frame of mind today than I have been the last week or so.

Mostly because I woke up to this verse:

“Three times I pleaded with the Lord to take it (the thorn in my flesh) away from me.  But he said to me, “My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness.”  Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ’s power may rest on me.  That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties.  For when I am weak, then I am strong.”

              2 Corinthians 12:8-10

 

And also woke up to this song:

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.
We can only know
The power that He holds
When we truly see how deep our weakness goes;
His strength in us begins
Where ours comes to an end.
He hears our humble cry and proves again . . .

His strength is perfect when our strength is gone;
He’ll carry us when we can’t carry on.
Raised in His power, the weak become strong;
His strength is perfect, His strength is perfect.

 

The past couple of weeks I have been striving.  I have been trying to do this on my own.  By this, I mean being screamed at,

                      consistently, patiently disciplining,

                      dealing with ‘the system’,

                      making decisions that have eternal significance in the lives of five

                      other people,

                      emotionally taking on the burdens of two traumatized children,

                      and keeping up with the laundry. (Not really, but um, yeah.)

By striving to do it all on my own I’ve gotten myself worn thin, tired, burned out.

These last few days I finally got to a place where I was so tired, literally running on empty.  My attitude about all of this has been proof (just ask my husband). 

I’m at the point where I’ve got nothing left.

And then God gave me a gentle nudge.  He loves me enough to give me the straight talk.  He reminded me that I cannot do it.  I am not strong enough.  I am not naturally optimistic enough.  I’m not hard headed enough.  I am not enough.  But He is.

I am convinced that it is only when we reach the end of ourselves, the end of our strength, that we can truly find joy in even the hardest of circumstances.  It is only when we realize that we are not enough, that we realize who is.

And there is oh so much freedom in knowing that I am not enough.

Freedom that gives new meaning to the verse: Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you and learn from me, for I am gentle and humble in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy and my burden is light.”

It reminds me that no matter what he asks us to do (we are still working on a decision regarding the boys’ siblings) that he will supply the strength, he will supply the change in these little hearts he has trusted us with, and he does not expect us to do it alone. 

Because of this freedom I can be alright with whatever he asks us to do.  Should we decide that it is better to take the kids, I can relax fully in his strength, knowing there are not impossibilities with Him.  Should we decide that it is not prudent for us to take the kids, I can relax fully in His strength, knowing that He loves them more than we know.

 

I have reached my end.  And at my end I have found infinite strength.

 

 

Full House.

We have 5 kids in the house tonight.  Jae and Zee’s brother (6) and sister (11) are here to spend the night. 

We almost had to cancel the visit.  The boys had a terrible morning.  Screaming, yelling threats, calling names, opening and slamming doors, defiance, and throwing things.  I really didn’t want to cancel the visit, but I was beginning to think it was inevitable.

Finally, it was like something snapped, and Jae actually started trying to be civil.  Zee is a follower, and was only acting that way because of Jae – so when he started to make the turnaround so did Zee.

The visit is going really well so far.  I assumed it would – they’re all excited to see each other and we’ve only just met their siblings, so the honeymoon is on in full force.

 

They want to know whether or not we can take their siblings after the visit.

 

Right now I really feel like we need to say no.  The boys are still struggling so much with behaviors – there are days I feel like we’ve made no progress at all.  It’s possible that their siblings would move in and it would alleviate some of their stress and therefore improve morale around here.  But it’s also possible that things wouldn’t improve at all, and we’d have twice as many kids who don’t know how to express their anger.  I’m not sure we’d be very effective (or sane) if that were the case.

So anyway.  More of an update after the visit.  We’re having a good time right now – good memories.

The ‘n’ word.

As in ‘no’. 

Have I mentioned I’m no good at that word?  That I’m not sure of the last time that I willingly said that word?  (With exception to saying it to the children.  But that was a given.)  That any time I have to say that word I get this guilty knot in the pit of my stomach, and immediately change it to the much more loved, easy to say, non-confrontative, smile inducing ‘y’ word?

Well, I’m here to admit it.  I suck at saying no.  (I get it from my mom.  Even though when she reads this she might deny it.  But she sucks at saying no too.  It’s genetic.)

 

Last night Brian and I had a long conversation about the dreaded word.  And we agreed that we do, in fact, need to become more proficient at it’s use.

More specifically we talked about our boundaries and limits as foster parents.  Up until now, we have essentially taken any placement that they called us with, short of severe physical aggression.  Here are the new boundaries (still in the revision stage) and why:

 

• We won’t take any more respite placements as long as we have a long term placement.  (with VERY few exceptions to kids we’ve already done respite for.)  In this case with the boys, and any other kids we have in the future, I think that the stability of not having kids in and out will be very helpful, and that we have made a commitment to them to provide them the best environment for their healing.
• We won’t take any more emergency placements.  For two reasons.  The same as above – for stability for long term placements.  Also for stability for Sylvia and any other kids down the line – emergency placements are very disruptive and confusing, and I think that for our family that might be too much.  Also, there is the unknown.  For example is no way to know about physical aggression, which is not something we can risk with very young children in the home.
• We also feel like we need to be more selective as to what placements are good matches for our family.  I feel like the boys we have right now are a great match.  The girls we have for emergency, however are not.  I don’t feel like I can give them what they need with this many children in the home, and that is not fair to them, the other kids, or me.
• I can’t think of the others, but this is the gist.

 

The honest truth is that I feel so relieved to have discussed these boundaries.  It’s like I have permission to say no, and know that it can be a good thing!  It sounds silly, but I have found myself feeling guilty when I want to turn down a placement because it seems best for Sylvie, or when I want to turn down respite because it would be best for the other kids placed with us.  I know it’s not God giving me guilt.  Sometimes it’s like, if I don’t feel like I am completely maxed out, I don’t feel like I’m doing enough.  Like I’m giving enough.  I think it’s a mixture of symptoms I’ve picked up from broad society, church, and my own personality – and it’s no good.  It’s not godly. 

God gives me responsibilities.  He has given me my husband, Sylvia, and different children who have been with us for different amounts of time.  When he blesses me with one of these responsibilities, I need to be able to say no to other things, so that I can say yes to what he has placed in front of me.

So, changes. 

I’m not sure that this post makes a ton of sense to someone not inside my brain.  I’m not sharing just to share, or to vent, or anything else.  Mostly I’m sharing this in hopes that someone who struggles with the same ‘if I’m not losing my mind I’m not doing enough to help others’ mentality might identify, see that we’re all crazy, maybe create some boundaries of their own.  Because I’ve realized that without boundaries and limits – I’m no help to anyone!

I hope this post doesn’t discourage others from fostering.  Maybe just that it encourages honest evaluation of what God is asking.  Hope this made sense.  The end.

The Saga…

Well, we’re back up to five again.  Although I suppose I haven’t really posted since Abby and Carter left last Friday. 

We got a phone call last night at about 9:30 asking us if we could take two little girls, ages 1 and 3.  They gave us names and told us that they were Caucasian (which is more than intake can usually do!).  We asked if we could call them back, and after much deliberation and prayer, we decided to say yes.  Right now this is an emergency placement, which means they can be here for up to 72 hours.  They asked us last night if we could keep them long term, and we told them that we weren’t in a place to be able to decide that at the moment.  I’m sure they’ll ask us again on Thursday.  Praying for God’s peace one way or the other.

They got to our house at 12:15 a.m.  They were very scared and very confused.  Understandably – they had just been taken away from their parents in the middle of the night. 

We took them back to their bedroom – the one year old went to sleep almost immediately, but the three year old was very upset.  She cried and cried, she yelled for her mommy, she kicked and hit.  I sat there and comforted her the best I could.  Eventually she calmed down some and I was able to introduce myself and let her know that she is safe here and that we love her.  She perked up a little bit and asked where her pants were, then she went over and got her shoes.

“We go bye-bye and get Mommy!?”  She asked.

I explained that she’d be staying here tonight, and that her Mommy was somewhere else, but that I was sure she was missing her, and happy she was safe.  She got upset again, and I asked her if she likes to snuggle.  She perked up, “Snuggle?!”. 

So I laid down with her in her bed and snuggled her until she fell asleep sniffling. 

 

They are adorable.  And today has really gone well – but the boys have been at school all day – nothing conclusive until they are home.  As for now everything is ‘normal’ – aka: insanely chaotic.   ahhhhh.

Update. But not from the caseworker.

Our family worker came to visit this week. (Not to be confused with the kids’ caseworker, whom I have never met, have only spoken to once on the phone for approximately 4 minutes, have left numerous messages for, and who has not visited the boys since they were placed with us a month and a half ago.  ahem.  that is all.)

Maybe I should start over.  sans rant.  I promise.

Our family worker came to visit this week.  She doesn’t have a ton more info than I do.  She did offer a couple of updates though:

~Mom has made no progress.  period.  since the case started.  Chances of going home?  Somewhere between zero and nil – of course that’s what they said with    X-man too.  So I’m not going to hold my breath, but we’ll see.

~She was very happy to hear that we have found a couple methods of discipline that seem to be effective.  Hallelujah! {More on that later?}  Not to say things around here aren’t still crazy – but even baby steps feel sooo good.

~The caseworker would like to know if we would be interested in doing some pre-placement visits with the boys’ siblings (5 and 10 years old).  Their sister is having the same behavioral issues that the boys are.  Their brother has some delays in speech, but doesn’t seem to display many behaviors. 

We told her that we’d be happy to do some pre-placement visits to see how things go.  It would obviously be in the best interest of the boys to be with their siblings.  This is not to say that if the visits end in me feeling like my house is imploding, we won’t decide that it is not a good idea.  It’s a big, fat we’ll see.

So, if the caseworker ever ends up calling me (no rants.  I promised.) then we’ll be back at five kids, if only temporarily.  I should start praying now.  In fact, that’s the best idea I’ve had all day.

Why Foster?

 

Good Info to Have:

Boundaries and Limits.

 

I’ve gotten questions about how specific you can be in defining what children you are able to take into your home when you foster. Most people I’ve talked to are relieved and/or surprised to hear the answer.

It sounds awful.  What children will you take?  Which children will you have to say no to?  But realistically, you have to know your limits, and know your family.  It’s important to consider the ages and sex of your bio kids.  It’s important to consider what behaviors you think you can handle.  This is for your own good and safety, as well as for the children who will come to your home.  It isn’t good for anyone involved to get in over your head, and for the child to have to move (again) from your home.  (Although this can still happen.  Sometimes it’s hard to know what to say yes to.  Sometimes behaviors pop up after the kids are placed that aren’t safe for your family.  Disruptions are hard, but are occasionally necessary.)

 

So, how specific can you be?

I could call my worker right now and tell her that we can only take white, female, 6 year olds.  That’s how specific.  Now if I did that, I probably wouldn’t get many calls for placement, but if that’s how it needs to be, then that is fine.

Also, while you are licensing you should be asked to go through a list of behaviors that you can or cannot accept.  This is helpful in giving you an idea of what you may see.  I will say, that the behaviors that they list are exactly what they describe.  I struggle with being pretty idealistic with what I can handle – but some of the behaviors are not things I would know how to help. 

It’s also important to note that at any time I could call my worker and have our profile turned off (so that we wouldn’t get any calls), or I could change our selected age group or other identifiers.  Also, you can distinguish between whether you would like to do only short term placements, emergency placements, long term placements, or any mix of the three.  Fostering is designed to be very flexible in this way for the foster parent.

 

Brian and I take kids 12 and under.  We decided that we would hold off on taking teenagers until we stop looking like teenagers ourselves.  We also cannot take children who have severe problems with physical aggression because we have Sylvia, and we have to be safe.  We are licensed for up to four kids.  We try to stay really open minded about placements, knowing that only God can know what we can really handle, and that He is involved in every step of the way.

 

I think what is most important is knowing your own family.  What would be safe?  What wouldn’t?  Are there any behaviors that you know you would not feel comfortable with?  And of course, you can always discuss these things with your worker to get an outside perspective as well. 

 

Hope this helps!  Let me know if you have questions, I’ll try to answer, or point you in the right direction toward someone who can! 

Project 365 – Week 9

One of my favorite things about the warm weather showing it’s face.  My baby girl is even cuter in the nude!  ha!

 

Sylvia’s first experience with a pickle.  She kept making faces, but she sucked it dry.

 

Visiting Daddy at his office for lunch.  A surprise visit after coming home from Nana and Grandpa.

 

Sylvie kisses for Mommy.  Love these.

 

A fun day at the park – where else do you go with five kids??

 

5?? 5.

I should do this before the masses get out of bed.

And by ‘the masses’ I mean the five children who are now sleeping in my house.

 

I mentioned the three and four year olds who are here for the weekend.  They were dropped off last night around 7:00.  They are definitely a hand full.  The have obviously been through a lot in their short little lives and will benefit incredibly with some structure (which they are hopefully getting in their foster home.). 

Right about the time we were starting to get them into bed (a process that took approximately two and a half hours) we got a phone call for two boys who needed a placement long term, and needed it right then.  They had to be removed from their previous foster home due to allegations of abuse {enter: my soapbox speech about why we need more good foster homes.}  and had to be moved last night.

After some very, very last minute rearranging of our home, the boys were coming our way.  Unfortunately they were coming from three hours away {because, ahem, they were not able to find a foster home who could take them any closer than that}.  The worker ended up asking Brian if he could meet her half way so that she could get home before the sun came up. 

Three hours later, at 1:15 in the morning, we had five children sleeping under our roof.

I have yet to meet the boys – I was nursing Sylvie when they got here last night.  I’m sure they’ll be great.  And the younger of the two has a birthday on Monday – we’ll have to really celebrate.

 

Updates to come…I’m sure.

Nesting.

I’ve come to the conclusion that nesting has nothing to do with the hormonal woes of pregnancy.  Unless I’m pregnant.  But I’m not – not as far as I know.

But seriously, every time we get a phone call telling us that we have new children coming to stay, you should see me in all my Martha Stewart glory!  We’re talking scrubbing down the floors and walls on my hands and knees, organizing closets, changing sheets that haven’t been slept in, and running my poor husband ragged with rearranging every room in our home.  Unless my hormones are seriously in tune with the caller id saying “Intake Department” that can’t be it.  It feels a bit more like adrenaline that propels these aggressive cleaning binges.  Some people go to the gym, but that just doesn’t seem nearly as productive- in the short term anyway. 

 

We have two little ones coming tonight – just for the weekend.  And you better believe that I’m about to go cleaning crazy on this mess of a house.  Which doesn’t make a ton of sense, since adding a three and a four year old to this mix will ensure that the house will look like a tornado hit it by Sunday.  But oh well.  I must satisfy the urge.

 

My friend Katherine prescribed that it has to do with control.  Which is probably spot on.  When we get called with a placement, there’s not much that I do have control over except for the dust bunnies in the corner – so that’s where I start.  It’s therapeutic.  And while I have to trust God with everything else, I think that nesting is the outlet he gives me to exercise my apprehensions right out.

 

So, nest I will.

I’m going to go clean out the microwave.

Why Foster?

 

Get Involved/

Good Info to Have.

A Walk in Their Shoes.

 

A few months ago I completed a training to be certified as a teacher for licensing classes. (To train people to be foster parents.)  During the classes, one of the exercises that we do is an ‘imaginary journey.’  The purpose is to help the potential foster parents to start to understand the emotions that the children coming to their home may be experiencing.  I think this is a good exercise for potential foster parents, as well as a good refresher for people currently fostering.  I realize this is long.  But if you have time, read through it.

Anyway, normally I would tell you to relax and close your eyes as I read this to you, and for you to pay particular attention to the emotions you experience.  But since you have to read it – just try to imagine the journey in your mind’s eye.

 

 

All of us have a place that we call home.  A place that, hopefully, makes us feel secure, is familiar, and even though it isn’t always perfect, it is what we know.  Picture the place that you call home.  Picture the people that live in your home with you, or spend a lot of time in your home.  Maybe your spouse.  Maybe your children.  Maybe close friends or extended family.  Picture any pets that you have.  Your dog, your cat, your fish.  Perhaps there is a particular place in your home that is especially comfortable or inviting.  A place that you can relax, a place you like to snuggle up in, a place that has a lot of sentimental value.  Picture that special place.  Picture those special possessions that make your home uniquely yours.  Smell the aromas of your home – perhaps the lingering smells of your favorite foods, or a loved one’s perfume.  Listen to sounds you often hear in your home.  The ticking of a clock, the notes of music.  The sound of television.  The sound of children.  Hear the voices of the people in your home.

Now that you have your home and people and things clearly in your mind, I need to tell you who I am and what I do.  I am a person with many responsibilities and much authority.  My job is to move people.  I move people to live in new homes, to live with new people.  That is what I will be doing with your right now.  I am going to move you to a new home, to a new family.  In the new home will be new people who have been waiting for someone like you for a long time.  There are children who want to call you mom or dad.

 

How does this make you feel?

 

Now, picture me at your front door.  Knock.  Knock.  Knock.

We do not have a lot of time.  We do not have a lot of space.  So you will need to quickly pack up only a few things that you really need.  Only enough to fill a cardboard box, or a small trash bag.  Look around your home.  What will you pack?  You are only allowed to bring things, no people, children, or pets.  The new family does not have room for pets. 

 

So what are you packing?

 

Now we need to leave.  Sorry there hasn’t been more notice, but there isn’t time – it’s been decided that you have to leave.  We walk out your front door and get into my car.  If you want to, you may look back.  Picture your house, with the faces of any people who may be there looking out the window to watch you leave.  We get into the car and begin to leave, but you’re not sure where we are going.  We drive through the area around your home – this all looks familiar to you – but soon we are in a different neighborhood, town, even county, and things are not familiar anymore. 

If you look around you will see that this neighborhood is much nicer than yours.  The homes are all bigger and much more fashionable, and the cars in the driveways are much nicer than any you’ve ever ridden in.  The house where you will live is much nicer than your own.  You will have all the things in your new home that you always wanted but could not afford.

Let me tell you about the family with whom you will be living.  They are so excited to meet you and that you will be living with them.  They have been waiting for a mom or dad to come live with them for so long, and they have lots of plans for what you can do together.  I have told them all about you and they have wanted someone like you for a very long time.  Just think, there is an adult in this home that wants to call you a husband, wife, or partner.  There are children who will call you mom or dad, and they are so excited for you to be a real part of their family. 

 

How are you feeling as we near the house?

Do you have any questions about the family?  Any concerns?  Any reservations?  Yes?  Those are all very good questions.  Unfortunately, I’m so busy moving people that I don’t quite have the time to find out the answers.

 

We drive up in front of the house and pull into the driveway.  You seem tentative to get out, but it’s getting late, and we need to get inside.  We walk up to the front door and knock.  The door opens and there is a family, all smiling and very excited to meet you.  Just look at all the smiling faces. 

 

How do you feel about the people at the door?

How soon do you want to see the family and friends that you left behind?

How do you think your new family will feel about you wanting to see your old family?

How long will it take for you to feel like you fit in with this new family?  Will you ever fit in?  Feel the same way as you did with your old family?

 

 

Despite the fact that you thought you couldn’t ever fit in, or that it would take a long time, you have done so.  The family members have helped you meet your needs and attach to them.  Think about your strengths and coping skills, and using these to live successfully with this new family.  Remember that this family has helped you attach to them by helping you meet your needs.  You have learned to trust them.  It has not been easy, and it has taken time.  In fact, it has been 12 months.

I know that you wanted to see your old family and friends immediately, but I forgot to mention that the only way that could happen is if I arrange it for you.  You cannot have contact other than through me.  And I have been too busy to make arrangements.  So, you have not had a chance to see your people.  In fact, it has been a full 12 months since you came to live with this family and you have not seen your old family.

 

Despite the fact that you have not seen your old family, you have done a wonderful job fitting in.  In fact, you have done such a wonderful job, that I have good news for you.  You get to go home.  We will not have a lot of time or space, but you may pack anything you want to take back home with you.

 

How do you feel about this news?  Are you ready to go home?  Do you want to go home?  Do you want the family that you are living with to want you to go home?  Do you want the family you are living with to help you to go home?  How do you want the new family to feel when you leave?

 

There have undoubtedly been some changes in the year since you left.  What sort of changes do you think have been made?  If you have children, how old are they now?  If you have a spouse, how has that person managed without you?  If you live alone, how are your friends spending their time now?  How do your children feel about you now that you are returning home?

Will your relationships be like they were before you left?  Will there be problems adjusting back in with your old family?  Would you come to me for help with those problems?

 

In just a few minutes of imagining this journey, how are you feeling emotionally?

 

This is why we need good foster parents.  People who can consider these things.  How would the story have been different if you went to a home who was only taking you for the money?  A family who did not try to help you fit in?  A family who could not help you go back home?  It happens.  All the time.

Male Bonding.

Thing I learned in the two days that we had a pre-pubescent boy:

 

1. Boys smell.  Girls may be made of sugar and spice, yadayada, but boys? Boys are made of sweat, grime, two days of pretending that you brushed your teeth when you didn’t, and farts.  s.m.e.l.l.y.

 

2.  Boys need masculine love.  I’ve noticed this with kids of the male persuasion that we’ve been blessed with before – but I really felt like having an older male made that need even more apparent.  *Popcorn* was glued to Brian at the hip.  During meals he asked to sit next to him, he wanted to ride next to him in the car, and any time he was doing something he wanted Brian right there just in case something cool happened.  Popcorn lives with his momma, and I think he really soaked up the male bonding time.  I think I even heard a few grunts and pounding of chests.

 

3.  Popcorn’s momma has done a good job at teaching him manners.  He says please and thank you, he opens doors, he informs Brian how to treat me like a lady (Ha!), and he apologizes when he feels like he’s done something wrong.  Chalk it up to the honeymoon phase, but I think it is sweet, and I want to make sure that I teach any boys we may have these very same things.

 

4.  If you let boys watch lots of rated ‘R’ movies, Southpark, Family Guy, and listen to unending amounts of rap music – it will probably come back to bite you in your rear.  This kid needs some serious detox from all things bloody, violent, and four lettered.

 

I definitely enjoy boys.  I feel like I connect more with girls, but boys have their own list of cool.  And Brian doesn’t smell so much anymore (mostly)…so maybe they grow out of that one.

 

 

*For confidentiality reasons, I lovingly gave him the name Popcorn, because this kid had a HEAVY duty case of ADD.  He is on medication, and still something new and totally unrelated pops into his mind at the rate of about 20 ideas per minute.  I liken it to popcorn in an air popper.  Thus, his nickname.*

Obviously a Gentleman.

We’re staying busy with this young man.

This morning he got up bright and early.  Brian got up with him so that I could try to let Sylvia sleep a little longer.  He was antsy for something to do, so they took off to the store to get some breakfast goodies.

I heard the garage door when they returned, and Sylvie was waking up, so I got up and went down stairs.  I heard some whispering, and when I rounded the corner he popped out at me with a bouquet of flowers!

“I told Brian he needed to get these for you.  I told him you are a good wife, and you’re pretty.  And that he’s a lucky man.”

 

 

 

I like this kid already!