Everything Case Related.

 

 

  So I haven’t kept up with things at all here lately – although not due to laziness, that’s for sure.  Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I had pictured having Vida and then getting to avoid dealing with case-related stuff while I soaked up my family of seven.

  But caseworkers kept calling.  Therapists kept scheduling.  Visits kept happening.  Lots has happened.

 

  Regarding the upcoming termination trial – I am now sure that we (everyone excepting Mom’s attorney) are all on the same page as far as what needs to happen at this trial.  The girls need permanency, and at this point if you asked Bella where she wanted to be, it would be here.  Mom has made very little progress (very.) and with us going on two years in this case we need to find an end.

 

  The Make a Wish foundation came out and visited with us (!!) and Bella made her wish.  Sometime at the end of April or the beginning of May we will all be going to Disney World to have a meal with the princesses in their castle.  We will be there for 6 nights and 7 days, during which time we will try not to lose any of our five very small children.  I can’t tell you how excited I am for this.  I was so frustrated that it took so long for Make a Wish to process Bella’s case (due to the red tape with her being in foster care), but the timing could not be more perfect because:

 

  MARCH 22 IS THE END OF CANCER TREATMENT!!!  As of March 22 we will not have any more chemo, no more lumbar punctures, no more steroids, no more administering 8-10 meds at a time, no more holding our breath while waiting for her ANC levels to come back.  No. More.  So, along with it being shortly after the termination hearing, the trip will also land very shortly after the end of treatment.  So, our meal with the princesses will be one big party – thanking God that our sweet girl is healed, that we can all move past cancer and give it the big boot out of our lives.  AMEN.

 

  Unfortunately, amid all of this good news we’ve had some ups and downs with the girls.  They have continued to have one hour supervised visits with their mom – during which she made some very irresponsible promises.  i.e. promises about them going home forever.  This is not going to happen under any reasonable circumstances, and it completely stressed Bella out.  She was completely dis-regulated most of Christmas.  After the baby came it was completely stressing me out because she wasn’t acting like herself at all.  After her mom made these promises, her food issues began to surface again.  Refusal to eat, puking a couple times a day, coming home with a full lunch box.

  Our friend who drives Bella to school even mentioned that she noticed how stressed out Bella had been, and that then the day after the visit she was completely back to normal.  The visit, I should add, that she missed because she vomited all over the transporter’s car.  I felt so. bad. for him.  He should get a raise.  The next day our friend who drives her to school asked her how her visit went and she answered triumphantly, “I didn’t have to go because I threw up!”  Children should not have to vomit to make themselves heard.  That’s all I have to say.  And they’ve continued visits.  Luckily we’ve been able to deal with the food issues some, and keep most of the puking at bay – but there is still refusal to eat anytime she knows there is a visit approaching.  This week there was no visit – and there have been absolutely no food issues.

 

    We had Tootaw’s assessment shortly before Christmas (wow, I am really behind, huh?) and it confirmed most of what we were seeing.  Essentially they said, yeah, you’re totally right, we see these things too.  To which I said, “Wheeew”.  Because otherwise I might have thought I was losing it.  At the end of the initial assessment they had a few options: Not to have any further assessment at all, to have her further assessed in one or two areas, or to have a global assessment done of all areas.  They recommended the global assessment.  We have three appointments coming up where they will assess her in our home, through play therapy at their office, and then an appointment to tell us what all she qualifies for.  At that time, whoever she qualifies to work with (occupational therapist, language therapist, etc.) will begin coming to our home to work with her.  I think they will likely also recommend that she go into the early childhood special education pre-school as of next fall.

 

  In the midst of all of this, we have switched caseworkers…..again…..which hopefully won’t be too detrimental to the termination trial.

 

  I think (?) that’s most of what’s been going on as far as the girls case goes.  How has all of this happened while simultaneously adding a new baby to the family?  That is a good question.  Some days it feels completely overwhelming when I think of all our family constantly has going on – but most days it just feels like normal.  Our normal.  Which is never really all that normal.

Weary.

 

Things have been a bit quiet here at the blog as of late.

Not so much in real life.  Which is why I’ve been so silent.  I have had about 500 things I would have liked to blog about.  But I was probably cleaning up vomit.

 

Life has bewildered me lately.  I can think of no better word than weary to describe the state of my soul two days ago.

 

For some reason, I began to let all of the ups and downs, ins and outs (of partially digested food, that is), and free-falls of Bella’s case to wear me out.  I think I began to allow them to wear me out much earlier than I would like to admit, and it all just piled up in my soul, just leaving me feeling incapable of dealing with it.

 

It was a mixture of the puke, the lice (again, and again), the increase, decrease, and sometimes cancellation of visits, the treatments and appointments for Bella’s disease,  the searing pain that I see ravaging my little girl’s heart, and all of the behaviors that go along with said pain (which have only increased.).  And the puke.  Did I already mention that?  The puke?

 

Weary.

 

I was not in a good place.  I was struggling with blaming Bella for behaviors, feelings, and vomit that were not her fault.

 

But, the Lord give rest to the weary.  (amen!)

And it came to this Mama through a wonderful, blessed little think we around here like to call R.E.S.P.I.T.E.  (sung to the tune of Respect, of course.)  Yesterday, today, and tomorrow, Bella is spending the day with another foster mom I know (Brian takes her in the morning and picks her up on his way home.).  We knew that spending the night away would be traumatic for her, so this was our compromise.  Now it’s just like she gets to go play at a friend’s house for the day.

 

Can I tell you that I feel like a whole new person today from two days ago?  I just needed a little mental reprieve.  A chance to reframe my thoughts.  A chance to relax (now you know I was wound when I say taking care of a two year old and a one year old is relaxing).  And a chance to go somewhere without fear that my backseat would be covered in vomit!  The freedom!

 

Already I am better able to love Bella, and able to remind myself just why I love her so much! 

I’ve actually gotten to spend time in prayer today and be reminded that my King is the King of redemption, unyielding love, and infinite strength!  The same God who shut the mouths of the lions and took down Goliath will not leave me alone to fight in my own strength.  He will armor my heart with love and grace.

I’ve also gotten to spend some good, not stressed out, special time with Sylvia and Naomi which has been wonderful.  wonderful.

 

I’m not usually a big respite advocate.  Mostly because I’ve seen it used in hurtful ways.  But I am seriously considering doing a day of daytime respite once every couple of weeks.  It helps me to be a better Mama.

 

That is all.  Off to actually get some cleaning done that is not the mopping of puke.

On Food.

I’ve done lots of thinking and bouncing ideas back and forth with Bella’s therapist the past couple of days.

 

I reminded myself for the 598,000,000,000th time that this is not about me controlling a situation. And then I reminded myself again. Because when you’re in one of these situations, the adult/parent/everything everyone else tells you is the right thing to do reaction is to buckle down and hold your ground.

 

Not. the. point.

 

It’s not about controlling what she eats or when she eats or if she doesn’t eat when we eat she won’t eat until morning.

All things I’ve told myself a million times, but needed to hear it again to be able to come up with viable solutions to this vomit issue.

This is about trauma, and her needing to be able to control something in her little banged up, pushed around life.  Someday therapeutic parenting will come naturally to me.  Someday.

 

So,

I watched this video by Karen Purvis. (She’s my hero.)

 

Engaging Food Battles with Connection in Mind « Empowered To Connect

 

It won’t let me actually post the video on Blogger, but it’s totally worth the watch.

 

 

I think we’ve come up with a couple of therapeutic ways of giving her control, but also helping her to be healthy, love her body, and for goodness sakes, stop puking.

 

First,

in a last ditch effort that was not actually very thought through – and over all may not be the most therapeutic thing to do, I told her that any day that she does not puke at all that she will get a treat after dinner.

Treats hold mega sway with Bella.

Today, she came in to me after lunch and said, “Hey Maggie, I ate up all my lunch and I didn’t even throw up!  Maybe I’ll get a treat today!!”

Score!

 

Second, 

my sister gave me a great thought.  I realized that never, not once, have snacks been an issue.  It always revolves around meals.  So, I’m going to try to start getting her most of her food just through snacks.  Then I don’t have to worry about if she is getting too little if she refuses a meal, and that battle can be over.

Every day I’m going to make her a “snack bucket”.  I’m going to fill it with lots of snacks that are all healthy choices.  I’ll tell her that anytime she wants a snack just to ask and she can pick anything she wants out of her snack bucket.  This gives her complete control over choosing what she wants and when she wants it.  If I frame it all as a snack, then I don’t think we’ll have the puke issues (due to food control, anyway).  If she eats 10 snacks in a day, as long as they are all healthy, I don’t care – and then when we get to dinner and she refuses to eat, I don’t have to worry about if she’s gotten her nutrition.

 

 

I’m excited about this.

I feel like it’s a good way to treat both her body, and her trauma control fears.  It requires that I completely let go of any delusions of control, which is good for me too.

 

If it works out well, all we’ll have left is the vomiting from anxiety.  One issue at a time.  I’ll keep you posted.

Vomit.

  It’s a very regular part of our life around here.

And as soon as I think that I’m over it and that it will stop bothering me, it gets to me again, grosses me out, makes me frustrated and irritated, and the smell….oh the smell.

 

Bella is a puker.

 

If she feels anxious about anything : Puke.

If she feels hungry: Puke.

If she has a meal in front of her that she doesn’t want to eat: Puke.

Doesn’t want to take her meds: Puke.

 

That’s a lot of vomit.  Usually all over my car.

 

At this point, I’m out of ideas.

What I can tell you, is that this is a control issue stemming mostly from the trauma she has endured in the past (read: yesterday, and every day previous.).

I know that most of this is subconscious, a reaction from the primitive brain, which with Bella, apparently goes something like: Flight, Fight, Freeze, or Puke!

But I also know that there are absolutely times when she wants to exhibit control, and in order to do that, she convinces herself that she NEEDS to puke, and what do you know, all of a sudden her lunch is on the table!

At home, she eats whatever she wants, whenever she wants and it is all junk food.  The only things I’ve heard her say are served at home are ramen noodles, cheetoes, pepsi, frosted flakes, and bologna. 

 

 

So, do any of you foster parents have pukers?  Please? 

 

 

I’ve tried every way I can figure to give her control over her foods while still maintaining a healthy diet for her (which is even more important due to her illness).  I always give her choices, making sure there are things that she likes, or has at least stomached before. 

But without fail, I give her a choice (thinking I’m helping with the control issue), she chooses what she wants, I put it in front of her, and she refuses to eat it.  I don’t think it’s healthy for either of us to let her change her mind four times before she’ll actually eat something.  But 99% of the time that I am firm on her eating something, she just pukes it up.

 

Rock?  Hard Place?  Anyone?

 

It’s so hard not to get frustrated.  Especially times when I know she has sat there and convinced herself that the next bite will make her puke.  I try to be compassionate, but seriously, we’ve puked three times today and can’t manage to get to a trash can or toilet. (this is a bad day.)

 

We have good days and bad days.  She’s had a yogurt voluntarily every day for the last three days, and this morning at breakfast it made her puke.  (More accurately: she made herself puke due to the yogurt.)

 

 

Ugh.  Tell me you have tips?

Deep breath, neigh, neigh, neigh.

  Bella left for her visit yesterday……again.

I haven’t gotten to post, but she was supposed to go home (like, HOME.  permanently.) on March 1 – obviously that didn’t happen.

We had heard rumors that they were thinking about pushing the date back a little, but no one had talked to us about it.  No big deal.  She only lives with us.  Why would we want to know when she’s moving anyway?

As I’m constantly reminded  -  We are just the foster parents.

So, a week before she was supposed to go home Brian called the caseworker to get an idea of what was going on.  “Oh, I thought we had this conversation.”  was how it started.

 

They’ve pushed the move back to the beginning of May-ish.

This is frustrating to me for a couple reasons.

1. She’s been having visits at home Wednesday through Sunday for three months now.  THREE MONTHS.  She comes back to our house on Sunday evening, and leaves Wednesday afternoon.  Talk about jerking her around.  I’m just confused, if she can be at home for 4 1/2 days a week for three months, why is she not home?
2. I’m sure there are things they aren’t telling me.  After all, we’re just the foster parents.  But nothing that I’ve heard sounds like a safety issue to me.  Of course, there are risk factors.  There always are.  It just doesn’t sound, to me, like there is anything worth dragging her around for.

 

I appreciate that they’re being careful.  Goodness knows we’ve seen the repercussions of sending kids home too early.  But this seems extreme.  When Bella goes home it will be on a thirty-day trial home placement, and after that they will have in home services for three months.  That’s four months of making sure things are going well, which makes me feel like another two months of back and forth is a little much.

I guess mostly I just see how much this is all effecting her.  When all is said and done (assuming they don’t extend it again.) she will have had SIX months of visits Wednesday through Sunday.  I want it to be over for her.  Of the last six days she’s been with us, she’s thrown up four of them over anxiety and stress.  This is not healthy for her.

The good news though, is that Tuesday and Wednesday of this week, Bella didn’t throw up!  I’ve tried different relaxation techniques to help her overcome the anxiety and keep her lunch.  This week we did deep breathing, in through our noses, and then when we let it out we made animal noises.  I know it sounds silly, but she thinks it’s hilarious and it distracts her from her anxiety.  Although it probably raises the anxiety level of people who are driving next to me and see the crazy lady in the next car taking deep breaths and neighing.  Whatevs.

 

In through your nose, now neigh, neigh, neigh.

Up-Chuck and first world problems.

Whoowhee.  We’ve had an interesting couple of days around here.  Faintly reminiscent of the adventure we had with X-man after Sylvie was born.

 

We are having some construction work done on our house right now – so the girls and I have done our best to just steer clear and utilize every free kid friendly destination around. 

Yesterday we had successfully avoided our house from 8:30 in the morning until 3:00 in the afternoon, and we were spent.  We went home to brave the banging and clanking, sequestered to Bella’s room to stay out of the way. 

 

Of course we never quite made it so far as Bella’s room.

 

We pulled in the driveway and the girls unbuckled.  From the backseat I hear Bella say, “Maggie, my belly doesn’t feel good.”

I’ll take a moment here to say that this happens very frequently.  Anything that could possibly provoke a little anxiety in her, ends up with her lunch on the floor.  I think a lot of it is just the chronic stress she’s been under for months paired with her illness. 

I turned around in my seat to talk her through it – Take deep breaths, lets talk about what you’re nervous about, let’s make. it. to. the. bathroom.  But it was too late, moments later she is in between the captains chairs in back regurgitating her entire lunch

all.   over.  the.  van.

 

I took a deep breath – but not too deep, because we all know that smell, and worked to get the girls out of the care amid the grossness.

We got out, got coats off (dropped them on the ground outside the car) and got inside.  I had Bella go straight to the bathroom and take all her pukey clothes off for a bath.  I got the other two girls situated and got to the bathroom, pulled out the faucet to run a bath, and …  nothing.

The water was off.

 

So now I have a car full of puke, a daughter covered in puke, a house full of construction workers, NO WATER, and, oh yeah, no washer and dryer.

Where to go from here?

 

I wiped her down the best I could with wet wipes.  Thank goodness, we have some good friends who live down the street, so we headed over there for a bath.

I couldn’t leave the girls in the house while I cleaned out the van.  My house is full of construction workers who don’t  even speak English.  So, Brian ended up driving home and watching the girls while I scraped puke out of the crevices of my van. 

We hadn’t cleaned out the car since our road trip, so we had puke on no less than three coats, a baby carrier, six books, a blanket, a wipes container, two pairs of shoes, two of the car seats, the carpet, and the front console. 

It was epic.

 

Now we just have two huge trashbags of stuff waiting to be cleaned when we have a washer and drier again.  This timeline is TBD.  Our van is being professionally cleaned right now – because NO amount of resolve was going to get that smell out.

 

Count it all joy.

Count it all joy.

Count it all joy.