Three Years.

 

  I’ve not blogged in a bit.  Thank you for all of the kind e-mails checking to make sure that we’re all alright and that the adoption is progressing.  We’ve been buried-under-busy since moving in January, but I’d like to get back to posting.

 

  I’ve wanted to start blogging again for a while, but today I felt like I had the proper motivation.  Our sweet Bella has been with us for three years now.  Three years. 

 

Bella,

  I cannot remember life without you.  Although I can remember the day you came to us down to the smallest details – the nausea in my stomach on the way to the hospital, the fear and despair written over every inch of your cancer ravaged little body, the panic that set in when I realized that your illness was much more than the intake worker had implied, the sadness that overtook your being as you realized you were going home with us, strangers.
 
  Yes.  I remember it all.  How is it that I can remember it so well, but simultaneously I cannot remember life without you?  I think it is grace – God had begun to prepare my heart for you before you came – I think I cannot remember life without you because you were there in my heart long before I ever knew it.

 

  We’ve been through the ringer these last three years, eh?  The darkest night of your soul.  Your agony.  Cancer.  Food issues.  Sleep issues.  Rage.  More cancer.  Then pinpricks of light – when I think you began to feel like even though it had been completely taken apart, the puzzle of your life was beginning to come back together – in a different way.
  We are not in the light just yet.  There is still pain, fear, challenges.  But now we work through them together instead of them dividing us.

 

  You, Bella, are my daughter.  I love you.

I am not your first Mama.  I will never, ever be your only Mama.  But God has knitted us together in a way that only adoption can produce – in a way you can only experience by watching God heal brokenness and create family from nothing.

 

  Soon you will be seven.  Before we know it you will be 16.  In the blink of an eye your Daddy will be walking you down the aisle.  And I feel so blessed to get to experience it all with you.

 

  Right now you and your sisters are singing your own rendition of “Let It Go” and we are getting ready to eat dinner which will assuredly be a chaotic, loud, and incredibly messy event.  Yes, event.  I will cherish each minute of it – when you are so helpful with your sisters, when you complain because I put veggies in the sauce, and when your eyes light up because your Daddy decides to make cookies with you tonight. 

  I praise God for you, little one. 

 

Love you, love you, love you,

                    Mama

Popps….postponed.

 

Well, last week, on Thursday to be exact, Bella and Tootaw were supposed to become Popps.  Way back in May at the TPR trial, the judge set a hearing for December 5th stating that should give the agency plenty of time to complete the adoption.  (Especially since TPR had already been handled and they didn’t have to do a best interest staffing.)

But, here we are.

Not only did we not get to finalize the adoption last week, but the agency has not even started our homestudy.  We’re on our third set of caseworkers since July.  In July, the state switched the agency that is carrying the girls case and we’ve been less than impressed and frankly pretty underwhelmed at their competency.

Needless to say, I’m frustrated.  Annoyed.  If I knew who I could be calling (who seemed to care or have any control over the situation), I’d be on the phone.

 

…This is nothing that any of you who have fostered or fostered to adopt don’t understand.  The reality of working as part of a system that is utterly broken.

 

 

BUT…

Someday soon it will be official.

Someday soon we will walk out of a court building holding hands and imagining our forever future together.

Someday soon.  Just postponed.

 

As Bella said to me the other night,

“Mommy, I wonder what it will feel like when we really are here forever?”

I don’t have to wonder long sweet girl.  It will be one of the very best days of my life.

‘Tis the Season.

 

 

  It happens every year, so I’m not sure why I let it surprise me.

The stores start playing Christmas music.

We put up our Christmas tree.

Lights are on the houses all around us (but not ours, because seriously, where do people find the time!?!).

And it’s like a cue is given, it’s like a switch is flipped, and our sweet girls and their broken hearts start to bleed again.  With the music, with the lights, with the tree, and with the traditions, it’s like their scabs are peeled back, exposing the hurt again.

So every year, as we usher in the holidays, we also usher in dis-regulation and regression.

 

Every Christmas is hard for our girls.  They are clearly confused by their feelings and revert back to an instant fear response.

BUT, I can also see growth each year.  As they look to us with increasing confidence for their comfort, and as our trust and love grows stronger – their hurt does not diminish, but now we can be their safe place.  We are praising God for growth.

This year we see the regression.

But this year we also see trust.  We see the girls looking forward with excitement to our family Christmas.  Their family Christmas.

It will always be hard. We are not their first family, we are not their only family, but it is clear in the joy in their eyes, that we are their family.

With that in mind, I am looking forward to this Christmas season.  Dis-regulation and all.

always there.

 

My kids love listening to Adele.  That’s normal for four year olds, right?

The other day, Bella asked me to put on Adele 21.

“Mommy, can you play that song, the remembering song?  The first one?”

Not at all sure what she was talking about, I put the cd in.  I put the cd in and started playing the first track.

“Mommy, this song is like adoption, isn’t it.  I think this song is about adoption.”

The song started, and I was caught off guard.  Immediately tears welled in my eyes.  The kind of hurt sprung in my heart that is so strong your not sure how to hold it in.  The kind of hurt that feels like your heart is about to explode with the rising of confusing pain.  How do I process this feeling in time to turn it around and help my daughter process what must feel even worse – her every day grief.

 

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any sins,
I had no idea of the state we were in,
I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,
But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

 

Adoption is beautiful, and Jesus orchestrates families through it.  But let’s not forget that every adoption begins with loss.  That our children have a grief so deep that as an adult it feels impossible even for me to carry.  There is no adoption without loss.  Let’s meet our children where they are, where they are coming from.  Let’s meet them in their loss, and if we need to, lets dwell there for a bit.

Around.

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve been around here.

I think I just needed a break.  Mostly, I think I just needed to step away long enough as to give myself permission for this not to be a priority.  I was letting it stress me out when I couldn’t stay updated on everything, or when I couldn’t answer every e-mail that came in – so, I’m back-ish, but maybe not as consistently.

I do wholeheartedly appreciate the comments and the e-mails making sure that everything was alright and saying you were still checking just in case.  It really did bless my heart.

So, a very abbreviated update of what is going on around the Popp house:

 

adoption.

  We are working forward on the adoption.  At least that’s what they are telling us.  We had two caseworkers in a row that didn’t do a single. thing. on the adoption while they were on the case.  Essentially we are still at square one, when we were supposed to be finalizing in December.  I’m irked.  Two and a half years.  That’s how long my babies have been in the system.  Let’s get it together DCFS.  Once the adoption is completed there will be no shortage of ‘constructive criticism’ directed toward the agency in charge.  State, consider yourself warned.

 

homeschooling.

  I started homeschooling this year.  I can’t homeschool Bella yet, because in our state you cannot homeschool children that are in the state’s custody.  The plan is for her to start staying home after the adoption.  So, right now I’m doing preschool with Tootaw and Sylvia, with a very eager Naomi at their heels and a very curious Vi pulling everything out of every drawer she can find while we work.  It’s busy, but it is so fun. 

 

extra services.

  Tootaw still has the early childhood special ed teachers coming to the house twice a week – but after coming out to our house for seven months they have basically concluded that they aren’t doing anything that we aren’t already doing at home.  So, I think they’ll be ending services soon – which is actually a little bit of a relief. 
  Homeschooling seems to be the route for Tootaw for sure – we have seen SO MUCH progress just in the last three months.  SO MUCH.  She’s doing great, and as I continue to learn more and more how to cater to her sensory needs it will be even better.  Praise Jesus.  Progress we weren’t sure we’d ever see.

 

empowered to connect.

  This summer we were trained to be Empowered to Connect trainers.  We didn’t waste any time, and we’re actually already finishing up our first class.  It has been such a blessing to share this curriculum.  We can’t wait to see where God takes it, and how he is going to use us in this amazing ministry.
  Brian and I are also co-developing a foster and adoption care ministry at our church.  Still in the grass roots stages – but so excited for where it’s headed!

 

kiddos.

  They’re all getting so big.  Now I can say we have five kids ages 6 and under, which gets a lot fewer crazy faces than five ages 5 and under.  Of course, we’re always anticipating DCFS calling us with the girls’ baby sister.  I think about her all the time.

Vi.  So big.

 

Sylvie at her fourth birthday breakfast.

 

Naomi, very quick to remind you that she is two and a half.

 

…I can’t wait to get to share pictures of Tootaw and Bella.  Soon.  So soon.

 

Until next time.

One strand at a time.

 

 

Two years ago today we got a phone call.

There was a little girl, three years old, very sick, and in need of a home.  God softened our hearts.

“Can you take her?” 

“Of course.”

A thread passed through the loom and was pressed in tight as to never come unraveled.  A thread of a different color.  A thread of unknown origin.  A thread of anxious preparation, unknown challenge.  What would it look like in our tapestry?

We went and picked her up at the hospital, so sad, so scared.

We didn’t think that she could stay.  Not what we had planned for, not what we had been told.  What if it wasn’t good for our family?  But God made a way, he provided, and she stayed.

Another thread passed through the loom and was pressed in tight.  A thread of trust, a thread of faith, a thread of change.

 

We went through treatment after treatment.  ER trips.  Scary illness.  Improved blood counts. Healing.  Healing.

We went through visits.  Up and down.  Back and forth.  Trauma after trauma.

We went through vomit.  Refusal to eat.  Eating challenges and, well, not eating challenges.

Painful bedtimes.  Trauma tantrums.  Disregulation.  Hating us.  Loving us.  Confusion.

Whump.  Whump.  Whump.  Thread after thread pressed tight into the weaving.  Different colors. Some light, some dark.  Some thick and hard to weave in.  Some silky and soft.

 

Finally trust.  Finally attachment.  Finally smiles.  Finally food.

Joined by her sister. 

Threads of sparkling beauty added to The Artist’s creation.

Final goodbyes.  Painful last experiences.  Ties damaged, but hopefully not broken.

Threads woven with blistered fingers.

 

What was it that The Artist was doing?  As we watched one thread woven through at a time we couldn’t tell.  Sometimes it seemed like things would turn out ugly. 

Sometimes our ideas of what our tapestry would look like were stretched. 

Sometimes we couldn’t see past the thread being woven to remember who was weaving.

 

But now.  Now looking back.  Look at the beauty.  Look how they all fit together.  A story told to be retold, revealing the beauty that The Artist had in mind.  It is gorgeous.  Not without it’s pulls in the thread.  Not without sweat and tears staining the weaving.  But all for the glory of the Artist.

Faith that He knew what he was doing.  That he had a plan for how all the threads would look together.  Looking back over the last two years I wouldn’t change a single thing. 

 

And look now.

 

 

It’s beautiful.

And we’re not done yet.

Thank you Jesus for weaving things in that we would have never considered.

 

I love you Bella.  My Bella.  My daughter.  Forever.  Happy two years.

Goodbye and forever.

 

Last Wednesday the girls had their ‘goodbye visit’ with their mother.  Ever since the hearing we’ve been debating how to go about all of this.  Do we prepare them ahead of time?  Do we wait until after the visit so that we can be the comforters vs. the bearers of bad news?  How do we talk about something so traumatic?

Well, it turned out we didn’t have much say in the matter, because they called us Tuesday night to let us know the visit was on Wednesday.  Well then.  So much for preparation. 

Brian took the girls to the visit (an hour and a half away) so that one of us could be there for them afterward.  Also, I had recently e-mailed their birth mom a bunch of pictures from Disney and never heard back, so I wanted him to ask and make sure I had the right e-mail. 

 

The visit actually went relatively well.  Mom didn’t even discuss it being the final visit, but did give the girls some pictures of the family before leaving.  I have a lot of respect for her ability to not make it an emotional blood bath – because, really?  I can’t even imagine.  The only thing that could have gone better is if Mom would have taken some time to verbally give the girls permission for us to be their family, for them to love us and move on.  But, having been in this field for a while, none of us were really expecting that.

 

When they got home from the visit, we went ahead with bedtime.  Bella was clearly contemplative and a little quiet.  Then she asked it,

“Was that my very last visit with my Mom ever?”

I’ve been thinking about, praying about, preparing for this conversation for so long, and still it was like a punch in the gut.

“Yes sweetheart.  Yes, it was.”

Knowing that if at any point it is appropriate for the girls to have contact with their mom that we would be all for it – it was difficult not to want to comfort her with that.  But, from what we’ve learned (purvis, purvis, purvis) it is better to be straightforward and not give hope for what might not happen, at the risk of implanting a hope in a child that they could hang on to for years without any resolution.

She went on to ask all the questions.  Why?  How long is forever?  What is adoption?  Will I ever see them again?  Are they dead? 

Tootaw doesn’t understand what is happening at all.  Not at all.

Lots and lots of questions.  Lots of tears.  Some obvious relief for having some concrete answers.  Some relief that she does not have to say goodbye to us.  Lots of heartbreak. 

 

Since then we’ve seen a huge resurgence of trauma behaviors.  Trauma tantrums with hitting, kicking, spitting, biting.  The difference between a year and a half ago and now is that she trusts us, so with lots of help from Empowered to Connect, we are able to work through it.  We are able to provide comfort.  We can love her through it and connect through the pain.

But jeez, what I wouldn’t give to not have to go through all this trauma again.  We had worked through so much.  So. Much.  And now here we go again.  But this time around we are investing in forever. 

Forever. 

Thank you Lord.

 

Prayers for the hearts of our sweet girls are coveted.  Healing will come.  It will.

Bittersweet.

 

 

Today was the conclusion of the termination of parental rights trial for Bella and Tootaw.  All so very bittersweet.  I was anxious going into it.  I don’t think I was anxious as much about the outcome (it was fairly obvious what was going to happen) as I was about having to sit in the court room again with their parents and listen all day to all the things they screwed up. 

If you find it impossible to have compassion for birth parents in a situation like this – if you just can’t connect with them and empathize – go to a termination trial.

They are just people.
Thrown into the pool of life in the deep end, head first.
Usually with no support system.
Usually having grown up without role models.

A life most of us cannot even relate to.

So, I was not looking forward to sitting in the court room with them all day while they were trampled in all the muck they have left in their wake the last two years.

 

We got there and made small talk with their parents.  We’ve worked hard to develop and maintain a relationship with them and regardless of the outcome today, I wanted them to know that we still aren’t against them we are just for the best interest of the girls.

It took them a long time before they even started telling people they could come in the courtroom – attorneys in and out, lots of hushed talking.

Finally, the state’s attorney asked me to come into the courtroom.  Mom and Dad were considering relinquishing their rights and wanted to know if there was any way we would maintain contact.  Brian and I had already had conversations about this, I had discussed it with the girls therapist, and we knew that if possible, we did want to maintain contact to some degree.  Both their therapist and Brian and I agreed that initially it would be better to maintain contact through e-mail or P.O. Box.  We were hoping for an open adoption to some degree and to maintain as many ties to their past as possible.  Both for the sake of the girls and their family.

 

I left the courtroom to find their parents crying in the hallway.  The caseworker had just let them know that we were willing to maintain contact and Dad leaned forward and said thank you.  I wasn’t sure what I was going to say, but I walked over. 

We had a conversation about their fears.  I promised that the girls would never forget them and would always know that they love them.  My heart was breaking for them.  It was excruciating to be a part of.

I am thankful that this is how it all happened if it had to.  I felt assured through our conversations today that their Mom and Dad knew that we weren’t against them,  that they trust us to care for their girls, and that we love the girls and will forever.  We were able to offer support in such an awful time.  I felt like it was the fruit of working so hard to maintain a relationship.  Now, in the midst of such pain, they knew they could trust us, they knew we would not give up, they knew that all we wanted was what is best for the girls.  And in the midst of all that, it laid a foundation for continued contact.

 

It was excruciating to watch.
We hurt because they hurt.
We hurt because of the loss that this day signified for our girls.
So much brokenness.

 

All this will take a lot of processing.  I’m sure that I will post more on it as it all settles.  I wish it could just be a celebration, and celebrate we will when we get to our adoption day – but for now it is bittersweet.  So much hurt that is so visceral right now.

The sweet in all of this?  Right now I am looking at my girls.  My girls who will be my daughters forever.  My sweet babies that I will love and cuddle.  I will watch them graduate.  I will watch them walk down the aisle.  I will watch them pursue their dreams.  I will watch them heal and grow and flourish.

 

And, I guess, that’s the end.

Make a Wish!

 

  We’ve had quite a bit happen on the Make a Wish Foundation front!  I’ve not gotten to update much, but we have some girls around here getting very excited.

 

  Back in November the ‘wish granters’ came out and talked to Bella about what her wish was.  She wished to eat with the princesses in their castle.  After we talked about specifics for a while (dates we’d be able to go, more specifically what she wanted to eat and where…) the left our house saying, “We’ll get started on making it happen!”  It was like magic!  Like we had rubbed a magic lamp or had a fairy godmother or something!

  We’ve been in contact with them ever since, e-mailing back and forth about what the girls would enjoy and more specifics on our trip.

 

  So…

We are officially going on a trip to Disney World May 5th through the 11th!  They have arranged our flights, our accommodations, food, and rental car.  We just go, and enjoy the magic.  Really.  While we are there, we will have a meal with the princesses.

It is so surreal because we have done none of the planning.  I don’t think it will seem real until we are getting off of the plane in Florida!

While we are there we get to stay at Give Kids the World Village – which looks to have enough fun stuff to do to keep us busy the whole trip all on its own!

 

 

Not only that, but they are having a ‘going away’ treat for the girls before the trip and are sending us to a little girl salon for them to have their nails painted and hair done.  (Ha!)  This is something I would have never ever done outside of someone else completely setting it up for us – but I’m sure the girls will love it!

I can’t wait.

I can’t wait to see their eyes light up.

I can’t wait to watch them marvel at the magic of Disney World.

I can’t wait to watch Bella experience something that she never would have otherwise.

 

 

And who is more deserving of a trip like this than our sweet five year old, who in her life has already conquered cancer and lived through foster care? 

 

Can’t.  Wait.

 

Pictures.  There will be lots and lots of pictures.

Can’t give up.

 

 

  Tomorrow is a big day. 

We’ve had a lot of those lately.  Bella had her last chemo appointment on Monday, and will officially be off all chemo meds as of the 22nd!  Very.  Very.  Exciting.

  But tomorrow is even bigger.

  Tomorrow we will go to court and listen to everyone on the case testify.  We will see the good and the bad, and we will listen as a judge determines whether or not to terminate the parental rights of Bella and Tootaw’s mom and dad.

  When I think about it, I feel like vomiting. 

I know in my mind what, at this point, is best for the girls.  I know they need closure.  I know they need to be able to heal.  I know that they need their childhoods released from the anxiety of being in foster care.  But no matter what happens tomorrow, there is pain, there is loss, there is brokenness.  It is possible, and likely, that we will go to the court hearing tomorrow and sit with the mother and father of our sweet girls – and that when we leave they will no longer have any of the rights associated with being parents. 

  They won’t get to decide what their kids have for dinner.

  They won’t get to watch Bella graduate from Kindergarten.

  He won’t walk them down the isle. 

  She won’t sing them to sleep.

  There is hurt.  There is pain.  There is loss.  Loss that is at the start of every adoption.  Loss that will never be erased.  I hurt so much for our girls and for the pain they will have to work through.  For the loss that will follow them through life no matter how well we love them.

 

  We took their mom out to lunch with us on Monday to give her some more time with the girls.  It’s so easy to detach ourselves from the situation and to talk ad nauseum about all the things they aren’t doing, all the times they let them down, how there is no way it could ever work.

  But when I am with her, when I identify with her as a person, as a mother, as a person broken and in need of a savior -

I want so badly for it to work.

  I want it to get better.  I want to paint smiles on all of their faces and mend their broken hearts.  I want to fix the brokenness that this world has to offer and for goodness sake, see us all as we will be on the other side of this life.

  I think of how I have been changed by unrelenting love.  None of us is perfect, none of us get it all right, we are all broken, and we all mess up.  I think of how my heart has been redeemed by a savior that loves me no matter what – an unlikely redemption, a heart changed forever.

And I just can’t let myself give up.

  I can’t give up on her.  Not until the judge has declared it final.  Even if, and probably when, her rights are terminated tomorrow, I won’t give up.  I will still pray for her heart to find it’s way out of the brokenness and wreckage that it is in.  Out of the hard places that life has taken her.  Out of difficult circumstances that poor choices have left her in.

  I hope we will be able to maintain contact to some degree at least.  Because I can’t give it up.

 

  Simultaneously I am so looking forward to it being over.  I am looking forward to working toward healing with the girls without anything to take us backwards.  I can’t wait to finally work toward being a true and legal forever family that nothing can erase.  I’m looking forward to the redemption that adoption implicitly brings.  To kiss the girls goodnight knowing that I will kiss them goodnight every night until they are grown, and that then I will worry about them every day until I die.

 

If you could be praying for tomorrow, I would so appreciate it.  That whatever is truly in the best interest of the girls is what happens and that we would trust no matter what happens.  And also that we are able to figure out some way to maintain contact with their parents if rights are terminated.  Pray.  pray.  pray.

Everything Case Related.

 

 

  So I haven’t kept up with things at all here lately – although not due to laziness, that’s for sure.  Somewhere in the recesses of my mind I had pictured having Vida and then getting to avoid dealing with case-related stuff while I soaked up my family of seven.

  But caseworkers kept calling.  Therapists kept scheduling.  Visits kept happening.  Lots has happened.

 

  Regarding the upcoming termination trial – I am now sure that we (everyone excepting Mom’s attorney) are all on the same page as far as what needs to happen at this trial.  The girls need permanency, and at this point if you asked Bella where she wanted to be, it would be here.  Mom has made very little progress (very.) and with us going on two years in this case we need to find an end.

 

  The Make a Wish foundation came out and visited with us (!!) and Bella made her wish.  Sometime at the end of April or the beginning of May we will all be going to Disney World to have a meal with the princesses in their castle.  We will be there for 6 nights and 7 days, during which time we will try not to lose any of our five very small children.  I can’t tell you how excited I am for this.  I was so frustrated that it took so long for Make a Wish to process Bella’s case (due to the red tape with her being in foster care), but the timing could not be more perfect because:

 

  MARCH 22 IS THE END OF CANCER TREATMENT!!!  As of March 22 we will not have any more chemo, no more lumbar punctures, no more steroids, no more administering 8-10 meds at a time, no more holding our breath while waiting for her ANC levels to come back.  No. More.  So, along with it being shortly after the termination hearing, the trip will also land very shortly after the end of treatment.  So, our meal with the princesses will be one big party – thanking God that our sweet girl is healed, that we can all move past cancer and give it the big boot out of our lives.  AMEN.

 

  Unfortunately, amid all of this good news we’ve had some ups and downs with the girls.  They have continued to have one hour supervised visits with their mom – during which she made some very irresponsible promises.  i.e. promises about them going home forever.  This is not going to happen under any reasonable circumstances, and it completely stressed Bella out.  She was completely dis-regulated most of Christmas.  After the baby came it was completely stressing me out because she wasn’t acting like herself at all.  After her mom made these promises, her food issues began to surface again.  Refusal to eat, puking a couple times a day, coming home with a full lunch box.

  Our friend who drives Bella to school even mentioned that she noticed how stressed out Bella had been, and that then the day after the visit she was completely back to normal.  The visit, I should add, that she missed because she vomited all over the transporter’s car.  I felt so. bad. for him.  He should get a raise.  The next day our friend who drives her to school asked her how her visit went and she answered triumphantly, “I didn’t have to go because I threw up!”  Children should not have to vomit to make themselves heard.  That’s all I have to say.  And they’ve continued visits.  Luckily we’ve been able to deal with the food issues some, and keep most of the puking at bay – but there is still refusal to eat anytime she knows there is a visit approaching.  This week there was no visit – and there have been absolutely no food issues.

 

    We had Tootaw’s assessment shortly before Christmas (wow, I am really behind, huh?) and it confirmed most of what we were seeing.  Essentially they said, yeah, you’re totally right, we see these things too.  To which I said, “Wheeew”.  Because otherwise I might have thought I was losing it.  At the end of the initial assessment they had a few options: Not to have any further assessment at all, to have her further assessed in one or two areas, or to have a global assessment done of all areas.  They recommended the global assessment.  We have three appointments coming up where they will assess her in our home, through play therapy at their office, and then an appointment to tell us what all she qualifies for.  At that time, whoever she qualifies to work with (occupational therapist, language therapist, etc.) will begin coming to our home to work with her.  I think they will likely also recommend that she go into the early childhood special education pre-school as of next fall.

 

  In the midst of all of this, we have switched caseworkers…..again…..which hopefully won’t be too detrimental to the termination trial.

 

  I think (?) that’s most of what’s been going on as far as the girls case goes.  How has all of this happened while simultaneously adding a new baby to the family?  That is a good question.  Some days it feels completely overwhelming when I think of all our family constantly has going on – but most days it just feels like normal.  Our normal.  Which is never really all that normal.

Christmas!

 

 

  The girls were so excited for Christmas to be here.  Sylvia was convinced that as soon as it snowed that it would be Christmas – of course, it snowed 4 days before Christmas….so she just thought that it was Christmas over and over again!  Bella counted down the days, and they were so excited Christmas Eve!

 

They looked so pretty!

 

 

 

Me, ridiculously pregnant.  Nope, no baby yet.  Just getting bigger by the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

This is the castle that Brian built for the girls for Christmas.  They are thrilled to say the least.  We try not to go over the top for Christmas, and we try our best to make most of our gifts hand made.  You would have never known the difference between our girls getting this, or them finding some expensive video game console under the tree – and this takes so much imagination!

The spend about 3/4 of their time in there now.  We’ve been working all week on decorating it, and it is definitely coming along…

 

 

 

 

 

 

Christmas afternoon we worked together to make cupcakes to celebrate Jesus’ birthday, the reason that we celebrate Christmas at all.  We are still feeling out what Christmas should look like for our family, but every year we get closer, and I love this tradition.  We make cupcakes, decorate them, and while we eat them we read the story of the birth of Christ out of the Jesus Storybook Bible.  The girls love it, and it centers our celebration.

 

 

 

 

 

We had a wonderful Christmas. Celebrating with children is absolutely the best way to do it.  Their excitement, imagination, and joy is palpable.  It was also so nice to get to celebrate with Bella and Tootaw this year, with no big visit in the middle.  I love our family.

 

 

“Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away
I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
And I always will
Greater love has not a man
Than the one who gives his life to prove
That he would do anything
And that's what I'm going to do for you.”

Christmas Prep.

 

I have gotten ridiculously behind on posting, partly because we had work done in our basement and then it flooded and fried our computer.  But we got a new computer out of the deal!  We’ve had a lot of fun this Christmas – sorry to post all of our pre-Christmas pics at once, but I have to get them up!

 

Making salt dough ornaments for our Christmas Tree and for presents!  First we made the dough, cut them out, and cooked them, but the painting was the girls’ favorite part!

 

 

 

 

 

It was always my family’s tradition to go cut down our Christmas Tree every year.  We took the girls this year and they loved it!

 

 

 

 

The girls all ran behind Brian yelling, “Look at Daddy, he’s so strong!”  It was adorable.

 

Hayride!

 

 

 

 

 

 

Who wants to put the star on the tree when you could honk Daddy’s nose instead?

 

 

 

 

We do an advent study called Truth in the Tinsel that includes lots of crafts.  This is the night we made crowns for the coming King.

 

 

 

Rudolph sandwiches with Nana!

 

Waking up to the first snow of the year.  Unfortunately it cancelled Bella’s pajama day and holiday party at school!  But they were very excited.

 

 

And last, but not least, cookie making and decorating!

 

 

 

 

 

We had a lot of fun preparing for Christmas this year!!