Nesting.

I’ve come to the conclusion that nesting has nothing to do with the hormonal woes of pregnancy.  Unless I’m pregnant.  But I’m not – not as far as I know.

But seriously, every time we get a phone call telling us that we have new children coming to stay, you should see me in all my Martha Stewart glory!  We’re talking scrubbing down the floors and walls on my hands and knees, organizing closets, changing sheets that haven’t been slept in, and running my poor husband ragged with rearranging every room in our home.  Unless my hormones are seriously in tune with the caller id saying “Intake Department” that can’t be it.  It feels a bit more like adrenaline that propels these aggressive cleaning binges.  Some people go to the gym, but that just doesn’t seem nearly as productive- in the short term anyway. 

 

We have two little ones coming tonight – just for the weekend.  And you better believe that I’m about to go cleaning crazy on this mess of a house.  Which doesn’t make a ton of sense, since adding a three and a four year old to this mix will ensure that the house will look like a tornado hit it by Sunday.  But oh well.  I must satisfy the urge.

 

My friend Katherine prescribed that it has to do with control.  Which is probably spot on.  When we get called with a placement, there’s not much that I do have control over except for the dust bunnies in the corner – so that’s where I start.  It’s therapeutic.  And while I have to trust God with everything else, I think that nesting is the outlet he gives me to exercise my apprehensions right out.

 

So, nest I will.

I’m going to go clean out the microwave.

Why Foster?

 

Get Involved/

Good Info to Have.

A Walk in Their Shoes.

 

A few months ago I completed a training to be certified as a teacher for licensing classes. (To train people to be foster parents.)  During the classes, one of the exercises that we do is an ‘imaginary journey.’  The purpose is to help the potential foster parents to start to understand the emotions that the children coming to their home may be experiencing.  I think this is a good exercise for potential foster parents, as well as a good refresher for people currently fostering.  I realize this is long.  But if you have time, read through it.

Anyway, normally I would tell you to relax and close your eyes as I read this to you, and for you to pay particular attention to the emotions you experience.  But since you have to read it – just try to imagine the journey in your mind’s eye.

 

 

All of us have a place that we call home.  A place that, hopefully, makes us feel secure, is familiar, and even though it isn’t always perfect, it is what we know.  Picture the place that you call home.  Picture the people that live in your home with you, or spend a lot of time in your home.  Maybe your spouse.  Maybe your children.  Maybe close friends or extended family.  Picture any pets that you have.  Your dog, your cat, your fish.  Perhaps there is a particular place in your home that is especially comfortable or inviting.  A place that you can relax, a place you like to snuggle up in, a place that has a lot of sentimental value.  Picture that special place.  Picture those special possessions that make your home uniquely yours.  Smell the aromas of your home – perhaps the lingering smells of your favorite foods, or a loved one’s perfume.  Listen to sounds you often hear in your home.  The ticking of a clock, the notes of music.  The sound of television.  The sound of children.  Hear the voices of the people in your home.

Now that you have your home and people and things clearly in your mind, I need to tell you who I am and what I do.  I am a person with many responsibilities and much authority.  My job is to move people.  I move people to live in new homes, to live with new people.  That is what I will be doing with your right now.  I am going to move you to a new home, to a new family.  In the new home will be new people who have been waiting for someone like you for a long time.  There are children who want to call you mom or dad.

 

How does this make you feel?

 

Now, picture me at your front door.  Knock.  Knock.  Knock.

We do not have a lot of time.  We do not have a lot of space.  So you will need to quickly pack up only a few things that you really need.  Only enough to fill a cardboard box, or a small trash bag.  Look around your home.  What will you pack?  You are only allowed to bring things, no people, children, or pets.  The new family does not have room for pets. 

 

So what are you packing?

 

Now we need to leave.  Sorry there hasn’t been more notice, but there isn’t time – it’s been decided that you have to leave.  We walk out your front door and get into my car.  If you want to, you may look back.  Picture your house, with the faces of any people who may be there looking out the window to watch you leave.  We get into the car and begin to leave, but you’re not sure where we are going.  We drive through the area around your home – this all looks familiar to you – but soon we are in a different neighborhood, town, even county, and things are not familiar anymore. 

If you look around you will see that this neighborhood is much nicer than yours.  The homes are all bigger and much more fashionable, and the cars in the driveways are much nicer than any you’ve ever ridden in.  The house where you will live is much nicer than your own.  You will have all the things in your new home that you always wanted but could not afford.

Let me tell you about the family with whom you will be living.  They are so excited to meet you and that you will be living with them.  They have been waiting for a mom or dad to come live with them for so long, and they have lots of plans for what you can do together.  I have told them all about you and they have wanted someone like you for a very long time.  Just think, there is an adult in this home that wants to call you a husband, wife, or partner.  There are children who will call you mom or dad, and they are so excited for you to be a real part of their family. 

 

How are you feeling as we near the house?

Do you have any questions about the family?  Any concerns?  Any reservations?  Yes?  Those are all very good questions.  Unfortunately, I’m so busy moving people that I don’t quite have the time to find out the answers.

 

We drive up in front of the house and pull into the driveway.  You seem tentative to get out, but it’s getting late, and we need to get inside.  We walk up to the front door and knock.  The door opens and there is a family, all smiling and very excited to meet you.  Just look at all the smiling faces. 

 

How do you feel about the people at the door?

How soon do you want to see the family and friends that you left behind?

How do you think your new family will feel about you wanting to see your old family?

How long will it take for you to feel like you fit in with this new family?  Will you ever fit in?  Feel the same way as you did with your old family?

 

 

Despite the fact that you thought you couldn’t ever fit in, or that it would take a long time, you have done so.  The family members have helped you meet your needs and attach to them.  Think about your strengths and coping skills, and using these to live successfully with this new family.  Remember that this family has helped you attach to them by helping you meet your needs.  You have learned to trust them.  It has not been easy, and it has taken time.  In fact, it has been 12 months.

I know that you wanted to see your old family and friends immediately, but I forgot to mention that the only way that could happen is if I arrange it for you.  You cannot have contact other than through me.  And I have been too busy to make arrangements.  So, you have not had a chance to see your people.  In fact, it has been a full 12 months since you came to live with this family and you have not seen your old family.

 

Despite the fact that you have not seen your old family, you have done a wonderful job fitting in.  In fact, you have done such a wonderful job, that I have good news for you.  You get to go home.  We will not have a lot of time or space, but you may pack anything you want to take back home with you.

 

How do you feel about this news?  Are you ready to go home?  Do you want to go home?  Do you want the family that you are living with to want you to go home?  Do you want the family you are living with to help you to go home?  How do you want the new family to feel when you leave?

 

There have undoubtedly been some changes in the year since you left.  What sort of changes do you think have been made?  If you have children, how old are they now?  If you have a spouse, how has that person managed without you?  If you live alone, how are your friends spending their time now?  How do your children feel about you now that you are returning home?

Will your relationships be like they were before you left?  Will there be problems adjusting back in with your old family?  Would you come to me for help with those problems?

 

In just a few minutes of imagining this journey, how are you feeling emotionally?

 

This is why we need good foster parents.  People who can consider these things.  How would the story have been different if you went to a home who was only taking you for the money?  A family who did not try to help you fit in?  A family who could not help you go back home?  It happens.  All the time.

Easter.

More pictures.  She has got to be the most documented child on the planet - but I suppose we'll be glad when she's no longer our baby and turns into our little girl.  Oh, and Sylvia said to tell Aunt Jennifer thank you for the pretty Easter dress!

Me and Aunt Shelly.

 

Love my Grandpa.

So. Much. Joy.

Six Months.

Oh goodness.  How are you six months old?  I know they say it goes fast, but really?  Six months?  You're just getting so big.  You are more fun every day and you are learning so fast!  You are such a happy baby all the time and are constantly letting out big squeals of delight.
It's warm enough for us to go on walks now, and you squeal and laugh the whole time.  Spring is clearly your favorite season (although you haven't tried out summer yet, you'll like that too.).
You're sitting up on your own and playing with toys.  You grab at anything in reach and it all goes straight into your mouth.  You get up onto your hands and your knees and rock back and forth - it won't be long until you're crawling, and I think I'll be in trouble then!  You are one active child - always, always moving, looking for what you can get into next.
I don't want to sound conceted or anything...but you sure love your mommy.  You prefer me now to other people and you even reach for me when you want me.  It melts my heart.  You babble like crazy.  You're as loud as you are active, but I think you got that from both sides!  You talk and talk (no mamama yet.  just dadada and gagaga).   Speaking of dada, you are looking more like him all the time.  When you smile you look just like him.  And you laugh at all your own jokes too.
Soon you'll be crawling.  Right now you roll all over the place and you've figured out how to move backwards.  It just blows my mind, Sylvie.  I can't believe the way you grow.  But you bring me more joy every day, and I cannot wait to watch you grow up.
You are just so full of joy.  If there is one way to discribe you it is happy.  joyful.  exuberant.  The only time you aren't happy is when you are hungry.  You bring me more joy than anything else in this world, and I am so happy to be your mama.  I thank God for you every day.  I pray for the woman you will become, for the struggles you will face, for the man that will someday be your husband, and for you to know Jesus.  I love you so much it hurts, Sylvie - but God loves you more.  And I pray you grow to know His love.  Mine will not always be perfect, but His never fails.  I love you sweet babe.  You're growing a little quickly for my liking, but I will take you any way I can, and I will love you always.

      Love you, love you, love you,
                                               Mama

Project 365 - Week 9

Sylvie has an impressive core. She can hold a plank much longer than I can. She's also scooting now, not long until she'll be crawling!

  Mmmm....Spring.

What is this a picture of?  That would be Brian's first gray hair.  (There were several actually.)  This is when I get to revel in the fact that for 5 months of the year,  I'm two years younger.  ha!

This is the look that I affectionately call 'taste testing the world'.  Apparently it's pretty tasty, because she spends a good portion of the day with her tongue hanging out.

Why Foster?

Good Info to Have:

The Licensing Interview Process

I have gotten LOTS of e-mails and questions about the licensing process – more specifically about the interview/homestudy process.  Let me begin with:

 

Take a deep breath.  It’s not as scary as you would think.  They know that no one is perfect (or normal for that matter) and when they come to your home they are not going to notice your baseboards, the film on the inside of your microwave, the boogers your son wiped under the edge of the table, or even that huge pile of laundry you’re afraid they may drown in.

 

questions, questions.

When you are filling out your profile, homestudy, whatever-they-call-it-in-your-state thingy – really just be honest.  Unless you admit to something that would endanger a child, they’re not going to freak out.  They might ask you questions about a few answers that they are not clear on – but when your palms get sweaty, just remind yourself that they are just doing their job.  On our profile it asked what each of us does when we get angry.  Brian really rarely gets upset.  However, he answered that when he does, that he throws things (yeah, how’s that for a pc answer on a fostering profile?).  Our worker questioned us on it, and I (while elbowing him for writing that – who writes that????) explained that what he meant was that when he gets mad while he’s watching sports – really the only time he gets mad- he throws his hat on the floor out of frustration. 

So even if you write something totally dumb on your profile – it’s probably going to be ok.

 

holy roller.

I’ve also been asked whether or not to be forthcoming about religious affiliations.  Brian and I were honest about our faith, and the role it had in us becoming foster parents.  As long as you are willing to be accepting of older children’s decisions on religion (that, or not take children with different beliefs) then it’s generally not an issue.  So just be honest.

 

spring cleaning.

Most of my good friends will tell you that I go on a cleaning rampage when it comes time for us to re-license.  But it is definitely because I’m a neat-freak under stress, and definitely not because they expect your house to sparkle.  In fact, if you have kids, they might be a little more skeptical if they walk in and your house looks like no one actually lives in it – your house is supposed to be messy when you have kids, and they know that.

 

red tape.

When it comes to licensing regulations, just make sure you’ve read through them, and that you’ve completed as much as you know to.  You can always call your agency to ask questions.  The regs are something that they are actually pretty sticky about.  We’ve not been through a licensing/relicensing where we weren’t cited for something.  But they will tell you what is wrong, and you have time to fix it.  For initial licensing, it will speed up the process if you have everything taken care of though.

 

mental health or past abuse.

I’ve gotten a lot of questions regarding how the agency will react to former mental health diagnoses, or abuse that a potential foster parent was subject to earlier in life.  These things do not automatically disqualify you to be a foster parent!  It is important to be honest about them, and they will most likely ask you a couple of non-intrusive questions about it.  They just want to make sure that these things have been processed and handled in such a way that they will not interfere with your ability to parent the children who come into care.

 

 

 

I know there are other questions people had – but I’m having a hard time remembering them all!  If you have questions about the licensing process, just leave it in the comments, or e-mail me and I’ll be happy to help in any way I can!

A Surprise Visit.

Yesterday afternoon I got a call from X-man’s foster mom to see if we wanted to hang out with him!  Of Course!  I was thrilled.  I was beginning to think we may not actually get to keep in contact with him, so this was more than exciting.  We hadn’t seen him in a month, so I wasn’t sure how it would go – little ones forget more quickly (enter: knife into my heart) and get confused.

We took him to the park.  He really has already grown so much, and he’s looking older.  We played and played, and barbequed burgers for a picnic dinner. 

 

Check out that big boy hair cut – and I believe the fat lip makes him look older too.  Ha!  And that belly!  Can you believe that seven short months ago this child weighed 12 pounds?!?!  

He did seem a little confused at first, which broke my heart.  But as soon as we played a short ice-breaker – throwing grass in each other’s hair – he was his spunky self.

 

 

 

Sylvie decided she wanted to see what X’s shoe tasted like – of course.  Who could pass up all that tasty dirt?

He decided it didn’t seem like a bad idea.

 

Hello?  Who is it?

 

 

We were so excited to see our sweet boy.  I feel so blessed that we get to stay in contact with so many of our kids.  I had forgotten how difficult the first couple of visits are after a move, though.  When X-man left our house one month ago, in his mind, we were his parents.  He was excited to see us when we had been away.  He preferred us to other people.  We knew all the ways to make him laugh.  Only we could make it better when he was sad.

Yesterday when I went to pick him up, I was none of these things.  I was no longer his mamma.  He recognized me, but there was no laughing and running to the door as if to say, “Momma, finally!  You’ve come to pick me up!”  like there always was before. 

I’m happy for him that he is not still so attached.  It would be horrible for him if he was not able to let us go and adjust to his new home.  But it is heart wrenching for me.  I was his mamma.  And now I’m not.  It hurts.  But like I’ve said before, it only hurts because we loved each other well.  I do love this little boy.  I can not wait to see him again.