‘Tis the Season.

 

 

  It happens every year, so I’m not sure why I let it surprise me.

The stores start playing Christmas music.

We put up our Christmas tree.

Lights are on the houses all around us (but not ours, because seriously, where do people find the time!?!).

And it’s like a cue is given, it’s like a switch is flipped, and our sweet girls and their broken hearts start to bleed again.  With the music, with the lights, with the tree, and with the traditions, it’s like their scabs are peeled back, exposing the hurt again.

So every year, as we usher in the holidays, we also usher in dis-regulation and regression.

 

Every Christmas is hard for our girls.  They are clearly confused by their feelings and revert back to an instant fear response.

BUT, I can also see growth each year.  As they look to us with increasing confidence for their comfort, and as our trust and love grows stronger – their hurt does not diminish, but now we can be their safe place.  We are praising God for growth.

This year we see the regression.

But this year we also see trust.  We see the girls looking forward with excitement to our family Christmas.  Their family Christmas.

It will always be hard. We are not their first family, we are not their only family, but it is clear in the joy in their eyes, that we are their family.

With that in mind, I am looking forward to this Christmas season.  Dis-regulation and all.

always there.

 

My kids love listening to Adele.  That’s normal for four year olds, right?

The other day, Bella asked me to put on Adele 21.

“Mommy, can you play that song, the remembering song?  The first one?”

Not at all sure what she was talking about, I put the cd in.  I put the cd in and started playing the first track.

“Mommy, this song is like adoption, isn’t it.  I think this song is about adoption.”

The song started, and I was caught off guard.  Immediately tears welled in my eyes.  The kind of hurt sprung in my heart that is so strong your not sure how to hold it in.  The kind of hurt that feels like your heart is about to explode with the rising of confusing pain.  How do I process this feeling in time to turn it around and help my daughter process what must feel even worse – her every day grief.

 

When will I see you again?
You left with no goodbye,
Not a single word was said,
No final kiss to seal any sins,
I had no idea of the state we were in,
I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Please remember me once more,
When was the last time you thought of me?
Or have you completely erased me from your memory?
I often think about where I went wrong,
The more I do, the less I know,
But I know I have a fickle heart and a bitterness,
And a wandering eye, and a heaviness in my head,
But don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,
Gave you the space so you could breathe,
I kept my distance so you would be free,
And hoped that you'd find the missing piece,
To bring you back to me,
Why don't you remember?
Don't you remember?
The reason you loved me before,
Baby, please remember me once more,

When will I see you again?

 

Adoption is beautiful, and Jesus orchestrates families through it.  But let’s not forget that every adoption begins with loss.  That our children have a grief so deep that as an adult it feels impossible even for me to carry.  There is no adoption without loss.  Let’s meet our children where they are, where they are coming from.  Let’s meet them in their loss, and if we need to, lets dwell there for a bit.

Around.

 

 

It’s been a while since I’ve been around here.

I think I just needed a break.  Mostly, I think I just needed to step away long enough as to give myself permission for this not to be a priority.  I was letting it stress me out when I couldn’t stay updated on everything, or when I couldn’t answer every e-mail that came in – so, I’m back-ish, but maybe not as consistently.

I do wholeheartedly appreciate the comments and the e-mails making sure that everything was alright and saying you were still checking just in case.  It really did bless my heart.

So, a very abbreviated update of what is going on around the Popp house:

 

adoption.

  We are working forward on the adoption.  At least that’s what they are telling us.  We had two caseworkers in a row that didn’t do a single. thing. on the adoption while they were on the case.  Essentially we are still at square one, when we were supposed to be finalizing in December.  I’m irked.  Two and a half years.  That’s how long my babies have been in the system.  Let’s get it together DCFS.  Once the adoption is completed there will be no shortage of ‘constructive criticism’ directed toward the agency in charge.  State, consider yourself warned.

 

homeschooling.

  I started homeschooling this year.  I can’t homeschool Bella yet, because in our state you cannot homeschool children that are in the state’s custody.  The plan is for her to start staying home after the adoption.  So, right now I’m doing preschool with Tootaw and Sylvia, with a very eager Naomi at their heels and a very curious Vi pulling everything out of every drawer she can find while we work.  It’s busy, but it is so fun. 

 

extra services.

  Tootaw still has the early childhood special ed teachers coming to the house twice a week – but after coming out to our house for seven months they have basically concluded that they aren’t doing anything that we aren’t already doing at home.  So, I think they’ll be ending services soon – which is actually a little bit of a relief. 
  Homeschooling seems to be the route for Tootaw for sure – we have seen SO MUCH progress just in the last three months.  SO MUCH.  She’s doing great, and as I continue to learn more and more how to cater to her sensory needs it will be even better.  Praise Jesus.  Progress we weren’t sure we’d ever see.

 

empowered to connect.

  This summer we were trained to be Empowered to Connect trainers.  We didn’t waste any time, and we’re actually already finishing up our first class.  It has been such a blessing to share this curriculum.  We can’t wait to see where God takes it, and how he is going to use us in this amazing ministry.
  Brian and I are also co-developing a foster and adoption care ministry at our church.  Still in the grass roots stages – but so excited for where it’s headed!

 

kiddos.

  They’re all getting so big.  Now I can say we have five kids ages 6 and under, which gets a lot fewer crazy faces than five ages 5 and under.  Of course, we’re always anticipating DCFS calling us with the girls’ baby sister.  I think about her all the time.

Vi.  So big.

 

Sylvie at her fourth birthday breakfast.

 

Naomi, very quick to remind you that she is two and a half.

 

…I can’t wait to get to share pictures of Tootaw and Bella.  Soon.  So soon.

 

Until next time.

SPD, FAS, and more!

 

Well, I’m still working on a post from Disney.  That’s a lot of pixelating.

In the mean time, I’m not sure I ever posted an update on Tootaw’s assessment and services.

In her assessment with the school district, they essentially decided that she had global delays.  They decided to send the early childhood special education teacher out to our house twice a week.   Initially I thought, wow, they see the same things that I do and we’re actually getting services!

After two months of them coming out I’m thinking, wow, I hope I can get out of this in the fall!

Mostly they’re doing some interactive play with her – but it’s nothing that we don’t already do at home on a regular basis.  I’m not seeing the benefit.  I think that in general, they’re a little off target on what the real issues are.

After a lot more research, most of what Tootaw displays looks like sensory processing disorder.  I don’t know if it is just straight up sensory processing, if it is the fetal alcohol syndrome displaying that way, or both, but either way, we address it in the same way. 

We also have cognitive hurdles to jump and a lot of retention issues still, which I can only assume is part of the FAS.

I think we’re going to go forward with getting an assessment done by a child development team at the university hospital close by.  They have a specialized team that I think will be more helpful in possibly getting some occupational therapy that is better aimed at the issues at hand.  The only thing that makes me a little nervous about this route, is that it’s possible it will require a diagnosis for services. 

There is not a question in my mind that she has sensory processing disorder.  We’ve been told as much by three different professionals that she has FAS (without a formal diagnosis).  I’m just not sure I want a formal diagnosis.  What if we can overcome most of this and she can move forward without ever remembering?  What if we can get to a point where it doesn’t matter that she or anyone else knows about these issues?  If we can, I don’t want a diagnosis following her forever, or her feeling like a diagnosis is at all who she is.

So, we’ll see.  If I think they’re going to have to do a formal diagnosis, I may back off.  Or maybe not. 

Through a training that we’re in the middle of (more on that later), we have learned a lot about sensory processing disorder, and I actually feel pretty empowered to work with it at home.  But, I’d feel better if I had someone outside of us deciphering if she’s making progress.

Speaking of progress, though, she has made quite a bit.  We’ve seen lots of changes, even in cognition, in just the last few months.  That gives us so much hope.

I think that when it comes to schooling, we’ll have some difficulty.  I’ve actually decided to homeschool (more on that later too.), and this is one of the big reasons.  I can go at her pace, repeat things as needed, and she can be upside down while I’m teaching her if she wants to be.  I think otherwise school would just frustrate her, and I don’t want that. 

Anyway, that’s a very short and somewhat jumbled summation of what is going on in that arena.  I know that there were a few of you who were interested in the route we were taking for getting her needs addressed because you see some of the same needs in your kids, so I wanted to do an update. 

We’ll just keep at it. 

One strand at a time.

 

 

Two years ago today we got a phone call.

There was a little girl, three years old, very sick, and in need of a home.  God softened our hearts.

“Can you take her?” 

“Of course.”

A thread passed through the loom and was pressed in tight as to never come unraveled.  A thread of a different color.  A thread of unknown origin.  A thread of anxious preparation, unknown challenge.  What would it look like in our tapestry?

We went and picked her up at the hospital, so sad, so scared.

We didn’t think that she could stay.  Not what we had planned for, not what we had been told.  What if it wasn’t good for our family?  But God made a way, he provided, and she stayed.

Another thread passed through the loom and was pressed in tight.  A thread of trust, a thread of faith, a thread of change.

 

We went through treatment after treatment.  ER trips.  Scary illness.  Improved blood counts. Healing.  Healing.

We went through visits.  Up and down.  Back and forth.  Trauma after trauma.

We went through vomit.  Refusal to eat.  Eating challenges and, well, not eating challenges.

Painful bedtimes.  Trauma tantrums.  Disregulation.  Hating us.  Loving us.  Confusion.

Whump.  Whump.  Whump.  Thread after thread pressed tight into the weaving.  Different colors. Some light, some dark.  Some thick and hard to weave in.  Some silky and soft.

 

Finally trust.  Finally attachment.  Finally smiles.  Finally food.

Joined by her sister. 

Threads of sparkling beauty added to The Artist’s creation.

Final goodbyes.  Painful last experiences.  Ties damaged, but hopefully not broken.

Threads woven with blistered fingers.

 

What was it that The Artist was doing?  As we watched one thread woven through at a time we couldn’t tell.  Sometimes it seemed like things would turn out ugly. 

Sometimes our ideas of what our tapestry would look like were stretched. 

Sometimes we couldn’t see past the thread being woven to remember who was weaving.

 

But now.  Now looking back.  Look at the beauty.  Look how they all fit together.  A story told to be retold, revealing the beauty that The Artist had in mind.  It is gorgeous.  Not without it’s pulls in the thread.  Not without sweat and tears staining the weaving.  But all for the glory of the Artist.

Faith that He knew what he was doing.  That he had a plan for how all the threads would look together.  Looking back over the last two years I wouldn’t change a single thing. 

 

And look now.

 

 

It’s beautiful.

And we’re not done yet.

Thank you Jesus for weaving things in that we would have never considered.

 

I love you Bella.  My Bella.  My daughter.  Forever.  Happy two years.

Daddy-Daughter Dates.

 

 

  My hubby takes our girls out on dates regularly.  He does one date night per week, and we rotate between the girls.  They LOVE IT.  We did father’s day presents where the girls had to answer questions about their Daddy.  Three quarters of the questions were answered with, “Going on dates.”.

What’s your favorite thing about your daddy?

Going on Dates.

What’s Daddy’s favorite thing to do with you?

Go on Dates.

If you could do anything with your Daddy, what would it be?

Go on a date to…

  They build lots of special memories while he’s winning their hearts.  Meanwhile they are learning how guys should treat them, show them respect, and love them.

 

  The day of their date, Brian calls them in the afternoon to ask them to go on a date with them.  And he always tells them to ask my permission – just in case the answer is no. ;)  As soon as they hear that someone is on the phone for one of them, they all get excited.  “You get to go on a date tonight!  Daddy’s on the phone!”  It’s adorable.

  Anyway, I wanted to post some pictures of date nights recently so that we can keep them in the memory bank. 

Naomi just turned two in April.  Two is the magic age where you get to start going on dates, so she recently had her first.

Out to dinner.

And to the pool.

She was very proud that she got to go on a date.  She kept telling me, “I go on date with Daddy!  We go pool!”

 

Sylvia’s most recent date was a picnic at the park and going on a flower walk.

 

 

 

 

 

 

And ice cream…

 

Bella’s most recent was going to a ceramics studio and getting to paint her own piggy bank and then going to dinner with Daddy. 

 

 

 

  Tootaw’s up next and I’ll post her pictures then.

 

I love my husband.  They love their Daddy.

6 Months.

 

Vida-Loo.

You are loved.  Obsessively.  Rarely do you have a moment when you aren’t being smothered in love and attention. 

The life of a fifth child in a house full of mommies.

 

 

Sometimes I wonder what all this overstimulation is doing to your little brain.  But you seem happy enough – I think you’ll survive.  I think.

 

This month has brought all kinds of change for you.  All of a sudden you’ve figured out that you can move.  If there is something you want, you roll to it.  If you can’t roll to it, you squirm to it.  And, as the most recent development, if you can’t squirm to it, you army crawl to it. 

First time in the swing!  Sharing with your sister of course.

Five and a half months and you learned to army crawl.  It’s like you have four sisters to keep up with or something.  You also get up on your elbows and knees and rock, so I don’t think it will be any time at all until you are legit crawling.  Let’s repeat this together, ‘stationary is good. stationary is good.  stationary is good.’.

 

You’ve also started babbling this month!  It’s adorable.  No bias.  Much to your Daddy’s chagrin, your first babble was not ‘Dadadada’ like it was with your sisters.  It’s an unintelligible ‘Lablablabla’.  Definitely not Mama, but it’s not Dada either. Ha!

One morning when I went in to get you, this is what I found.  I think they love you.

 

You still do your awesome giggle.  Anytime you get remotely excited about anything you start to chuckle.  Huuuhhuuuhhhuuuhh.  I love it.  You’re a happy girl.

 

Essentially, as long as you are being held, you are happy.  You’ll do a few minutes in your exersaucer every once in a while.  But mostly you just like to be with Mommy, always facing out so you can see what’s going on.  Maybe you’ve just figured out that it’s a safer vantage point than on the floor with your sisters – but if your being held you’re happy. 

 

You love your sisters.  You giggle at them at the drop of a hat, and (most of the time) you love it when they hold you or make some silly attempt at entertaining you.  They love you too.  So much.  They are constantly singing to you, kissing you, hugging you, begging to hold you, and bringing you toys.  If you are upset, there is immediately at least one little mama there to try to make it better.  This morning when Naomi woke up, she crawled in bed with us and said, “Oh, I love you Vi-Vi.  Sissy’s here.”, and gave you about 200 kisses.  It’s adorable.  Sylvia is always singing to you and entertaining you with silly dances and sounds.  You think she’s hilarious.  She loves that you think she’s hilarious.  It works out well.  Tootaw is so sensitive to your needs.  She’s always telling me what you want when you’re upset.  Bella loves to hold you.  She looks out for you too, and is quick to reprimand anyone who isn’t treating you like a princess.

Oh, there’s that too.  This month we found out that Bella and Tootaw will be your sisters forever.  They were there the day you were born, and they’ll be there for your first birthday and every birthday after.  You can’t talk, but I know you’re rejoicing.

 

Bella snuggled up reading to you.

 

I’ve not given you any food yet.  I think we’ll wait a little bit.  Although, holy cow, you’ve gotten grabby.  I can hardly hold you when I’m eating because you pull anything off the table you can.  I think you may start exploring food all on your own by stealing mine.  Like last night when you stuck your hand in your sisters ice-cream cone and then put it in your mouth.  You approved.

 

You’ve gotten a little picky about who is holding you.  Right now you mostly like Mama and Daddy, which is just fine with me.  Daddy and I are learning a lot about attachment right now, and I’m just fine with you being securely attached to us.  I wouldn’t want it any other way.  I’ll hold you all you want.  We tried to leave you with our friends for the first time so that Daddy and I could go on a date, and we ended up picking you up about an hour into the date because you weren’t as gung-ho about the plan as we were.  That’s ok,  we’ll have plenty of time to go on dates without you.  For now we’ll just soak up that you want to be with us.

 

 

We’ve started putting you in your crib at the beginning of the night and bringing you in with us when you wake up.  You usually make it until about 1:00…which is almost too long for me.  I love snuggling you, so don’t get too used to that crib!  …mostly kidding, I don’t think you aim to stay in your crib all night for a while yet.

 

 

 

Your smile is contagious, as is your laugh.  I can honestly say that you bring joy to each and every member of our family.  We are so thankful that God gave you to us.  Anyone who might think that a fifth+ child might get less love and attention has never seen the adoration that you get.  We love you little lady.  So. So. Much.

 

Love you, love you, love you,

Mama